AGG,



He withdrew--yes. Although if you remember, I was also pressuring him very much and you guys were all over me to stop it...stop calling, stop emailing...stop everything because as you said, I was causing him to run for the hills. Once I backed off that last week, that's when he started calling me more. (But I do want to work through how he changed from not knowing if he wanted to stay, to tossing out an idea of marriage within that three weeks.)

Cruel? I don't see that. Some LB's--yeah. He was hurt and surprised and angry and I think somewhat feeling rejected. It also all came down right toward the end of when he had to have that very important paper turned in for his doctoral program, and he was stressed to the max over that at the same time. And then there were the holidays, and three straight weekends of kids and holiday gatherings for him. The timing has been very poor for everything. That doesn't make it right to LB or say spiteful things, and I am aware that he can be stubborn and a bit selfish at times. But it was a major shakeup in the middle of some other major things, and I've tried to weigh all that together when I look at how he reacted.


Indeed I did. Again, way too much stress all at once, and no I don't handle it well sometimes. It sort of depends on the type of stress. Job stress, kid stress, and actually financial stress (to a degree) I handle without that kind of breakdown. The loss of someone I love, giving up something I very much desired (sex with him) and having to break my news to R, all at the same time that my daughter split to Salt Lake City. And then going through the whole spiritual reassessment, alone, through the holidays, which for me are just a very touchy, tense time of year that I don't particularly enjoy anyway--very bad timing. It was a lot to handle, with zero support outside of you guys.

For the record, I've only broken down like this four other times since 2000 and three of the four were very major occurrances (9/11/01, my ex's affair and walking out, and the PG scare last summer). The only things that do it are serious health crises, spiritual crises (only happened one other time), and being faced with the possible loss of someone I love from my life.

Other things may stress me, may make me irritable, may even make me worry for a while and analyze until I finally come up with a solution or they pass. But nothing in my life has caused me to stress out to the degree that the above things do. Those are obviously the areas where I need to have more faith.

One other thing to note. It does seem as I've gotten older that I tend to become anxious (or at least suffer the physical symptoms) more quickly than I did when I was younger. I haven't been able to put my finger on that, whether hormone fluctuations affect me more now, or whether I'm not in as good of physical shape. Of course I think the stressors have come on more as I've aged, too...my dad's failing health and trying to figure out how to help mom if something happens to him because they're broke, her gambling issues, my daughter's continued failure at school and things in life, and then my marriage breakup. While it's nothing more than many other people deal with, it hasn't been super easy either. And things have felt so right with "R" up to the point of the sex issues, that when faced with the loss of this relationship and knowing it was something that I had triggered by my decision and that it was causing someone I love to be in pain by default, it hit me hard.

LL

I guess you chose not to read the quotes that I posted from you, to you. There were quite a few things "that didn't feel right" apart from the sex issue, at least that is what your own words have shown....... Are we re-writing a little history here....?

I tell you what, if after reading through your own words, that I posted earlier, you believe that those thoughts and feeling are good and from God then by all means snatch him up. As I've said for the last I don't know how long, ((LL)) you need to get healthy before you get into a relationship, I personally, don't think you are there yet and I don't think it is something you can rush unless you're in a hurry to marry your next X. Talk to your counsellor, I'm very confident she'll tell you that it will take time, maybe 9 months, a year, maybe more... Listen..

LL, I didn't mean to imply that a full-works proposal comes with guarantees. But, it goes a little ways toward allieviating doubts about pressured marriages.

The whole marriage-commitment idea is still very scary to me, so every time I put myself in your place, I think "RUN!" But that's just me. Good luck.

Lost Husband you have a really good insight .... And really you put it all out there for everyone to see... I wondered if it was just me confused... I sometimes think she is telling herself what she wants to hear... though I don't doubt that she cares for him or he cares for her.. I just think...Everthing is rushed and not for the right reasons... Off track here from lordslady - how did you finally turn yourself around.. I mean I look at me and I have been well lost for awhile - not sure what direction to go into to make myself happy... Though I unlike lordslady - know that while a man may be a quick fix it isn't going to truly help me - I need to find the happy in me - probably why I am stuck....

I haven't read all the posts, but just from reading this last page, I have a question for you.

Why are you afraid of being single?

How can you expect a man to respect you if you don't even respect yourself? ie: you want to wait for marriage for sex, yet you continually give in to them in this area.

If they can not respect your no on this matter NOW while your only dating, they won't respect it later. If the man is not willing to wait, then he's NOT the man for YOU!! Plain and simple.

It really sounds like you are looking for someone to 'complete' you, well darlin, nobody can complete you. It takes two complete or whole people to make a relationship work. So, if you are looking for someone to make you a whole person, it's a bill no man could fill.

You really do need to take the time getting used to being single and being comfortable single before you get into a relationship, or you'll continually find men who do not respect you, because you will continually disrespect yourself and allow them to disrepect you.

Ya know, in reading one of your last posts here, makes me wonder if you believe having a man in your life will solve all your problems.

I have learned that when someone is so afraid of losing a relationship--it tells me they are making the other people gods or idols in their life. Is that really want you want? a man playing god in your life??

Thank you..... Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on ones perspective, that insight came at a high personal price to me. Thus, I do wish to share it with others so that they don't have to travel the roads I did.


I don't know if that's a good thing or not, I do have to watch myself. There are a few posters on the boards that I can truly relate to from my experience with my life or the life of someone very close to be. For example, LL and another poster on the D/D board have very similar characteristics to what my mom had after her divorce. LL also has many characteristics that I can relate to personally.


I think to a degree we all do that. We put a tape of our life out there and only watch the parts we want to watch refusing to play it all the way through and see the painful parts. ((LL)) What bothers me here is that all those quotes I put up from you were basically in the last month, yet in watching your tape they weren't mentioned. The proposal or whatever you wish to call it did not change a single one of those thoughts or feelings, rather it diverted attention from them so you don't have to deal with them, but they are still there. Some of them were EXTREME red flags and you can stuff them for a while but they will come out again, only the next time they come out they may be the things that trip you in marriage and either lead to misery, adultery, or divorce.


AMEN!


I'll address that in a separate thread......

Looking through this thread, it seem to me that it's looping around obsesively.

It begins with LL's thoughts and wishes for a relationship at all costs, continues with someone injecting reality into her situation, next comes LL again with the same things she said in the first place, and then someone old or someone new comes in and tries again to inject reality. Over and over again.

This isn't a discussion, it's a dance.

LostHusband gave you YOUR OWN quotes, LL. Have you done as he challenged? Have you printed them out and read them? I suggested something similiar pages ago, and I know you don't know me and didn't expect to be taken that seriously. But you know him, right? He's been around for a long time and knows you. He genuinely seems to care about you. Look at the work he put into that response.

Please, LL, for once, STOP. Just stop and look at this thing. Look at what it's doing to you.

And get real, as Dr. Phil might say. You seem to be mired in fantasy. This proposal was not real, but the life of ****** you'll have if you press the issue and marry this guy will be.

Really... the more we talk, the more you argue and defend the situation... making excuses and changing the situation into something different.

I wonder if you should really just take some time and read through all this stuff, pray, and think. And then just check in with us briefly.

I hope your counseling appt went well.

(((((((LL)))))))

LL, nice try to rewrite what really happened into a simple case of "he withdrew, I backed off, he became all lovey dovey".

If this example is not a poster child of you seeing everything through rose colored glasses, I don't know what is.

The simple facts, shown in black and white in this thread, are that you hurt hium, he hurt you, you two did not communicate with any semblance of maturity, and now you think that getting married will help things. I doubt it. Of course, I also doubt that he really has marriage on his mind, I think what he sees is sex in the foreseeable future, which apparently (according to you) drains all the blood away from his brain <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Pretty scary.

AGG

LL, I'm sending huge hugs to you. I imagine therapy was a bit of a trial, too. Therapy is never fun. It's such hard work. I personally hate therapy and only fear of depression gets me in the door. LOL.

I believe you'll make a good decision in the end. R hasn't actually proposed, and until he does, it's really hard to know exactly what you'd say. Hopefully, lots of time will go by before that happens.

I've never been sure what "work on yourself" means. It's clear if you have a plan to change your behavior, but usually people don't even know what they want to change or should change.

One thing I do know, we have to know who we are at our very core. Not who we'd like to be, although that's important, not who we show others, though that's good to know too, but our essential selves. Armed with that knowledge, we'll know what's essential for our lives, and have a guess at what our business on earth is. Armed with that further knowledge, we gain ballast in our life. Ballast is the weight used in ships to keep them upright, and make it easier to keep them on course.

My guess is the people who have been replying to you are worried and alarmed because your course seems to be wavering all over. When the wind changes, instead of adjusting your sails to stay the course, you appear to be changing course and keeping your sails in place.

Once again hugs.

Hi Greengables! Nice to see you again!

I thought I'd highlight this, because I always HEARD this from others, but was never really clear on what it meant:

Quote

I've never been sure what "work on yourself" means. It's clear if you have a plan to change your behavior, but usually people don't even know what they want to change or should change.

What I learned after my separation is that I was ALL I had. I didn't have a man to repair my car or move furniture. I didn't have a man who would run out to the store for me or give me advice on electronics. I really had to re-learn all the things for which I relied on my Husband for almost 10 years.

After about 1.5 years on my own, I realized that I was able to live alone and be happy! I could do everything myself and I had many friends that would help me in a pinch. I didn't need a husband to keep my company and I didn't need anyone to prop me up when life became hard. I had to rely on my own brain.

When I re-married, I was perfectly happy being on my own, alone. I married out of love, not necessity. I didn't need a man for ANYTHING...even sex took a back seat to my new-found independence. I felt invincible and I WAS! Even now, I support myself AND my Husband, which makes me feel even more powerful than I did before....

I guess what I wish LL would learn is how to be happy and IN CONTROL of her life. Sure she works and pays her mortgage, but she doesn't know how to handle her daughter and she's so hung up on this man, that she's a mess when he doesn't phone her regularly. That's not what a healthy woman should aspire to be.

I would love to see LL involved in outside activities even if they ARE focused on families and couples because a person who is happy within herself doesn't get annoyed by families and loving couples. That should provide her with strength, not weakness. I'd like to see LL working towards a positive relationship with her difficult daughter and I'd really like to see LL work on her relationship with God.

It would be wonderful to see her completely self-actualized before she entered into another relationship. Maybe that's what 'working on yourself' means--self-actualization.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It appears that you, GG and aeri, know very well what 'work on yourself' means... i.e. that's, in short, what I mean...

Ah, but how do you go about finding out who you are? I like aeri's plan of outside activities and being on your own. I think this was especially important to me because I felt I had given up so much during my marriage. (Just for the record, B. doesn't believe I made a lot of sacrifices. He believes he did.)

Doing things my way for a change was wonderful. I've learned to do a lot on my own. For example, a light switch went bad, and I replaced it! A small victory, but a valuable one. I love that I can paint and saw and plant and more. The guys at the corner hardware store are my trusted advisors.

I've learned I'm quirky, but essentially old-fashioned, even though I'd much rather be thoroughly modern. I learned this the hard way, by acting modern and being miserable.

I think keeping a journal helps. Either here or at home. For me, being able to step outside myself was helpful. I looked at myself sometimes as a character in a book. What could I have done differently to get a different outcome? What were my motivations? How did the situation warrant my reaction? What are my strengths and what are my flaws? Are those really my flaws or am I missing some?

What is really important to me? With Aeri, I came down on Independence. I never want to feel my home is a cage again.

Finally, I work really hard to surrender myself to God's plan. This is hard because often I don't like God's plan. Often, I want my plan instead. It's also hard because even my whole life, I'll only see an infitesimally small part of God's Plan. I'm but a stitch in his tapestry. So, mostly I'm working blind and going on faith.

LL, I hope you check in. I think your journey is a little different from mine, but not entirely.

GG.. You remind me of a song by Helen Reddy. LOL

It's great to see you again. There is something to be said for being able to do things on your own.

LL...Work on yourself, be the best you can be...Thats you singlular..not plural. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. Accomplish that and everything will fall into place

I have been avoiding writing, but have read everything up to this point (yes, LH, I did read my comments that you posted...read them before therapy...didn't get them printed...and wasn't ignoring you. I just didn't respond to anyone last night. And I think the other two comments you couldn't find about the sex issues related to his sharing with me that he does masturbate on pretty much a daily basis if he's not in a relationship with someone, and that yes, he's made jokes about me being with another woman--nothing about involving him. It does make me wonder in a sense, because I don't know what normal guys think about. I'm well aware of the comment that it's a lot of mens' fantasies to see two women together. He well knows it's not reality and he's since shared with me that it was a fantasy-only thing, which still doesn't make it completely right. But what I didn't share initially was that what brought it up was somehow when we were discussing weird dreams we've had and analyzing them, and I shared that I've had a couple rather bizarre ones involving women, though I do not lean that direction. He took off and ran with it. So I'm not minimizing this, and I have concerns that he his so sexually oriented that it may blind him to other things, or that it does show a questionable lack of self-control that needs growth. That's probably the biggest "is he a believer" question I have, though I realize that there are believers who struggle with sex issues. My mother has accused me of looking for perfection when I'm not perfect.)

And AGG, no neither of us handled that situation very well. I did hurt him by doing what I did, when I did, and how I did it. And he got confused and scared and hurt and he slowed things WAY DOWN while he did his thinking. It wasn't handled all that maturely. The only plus is that we did maintain contact the entire time, even though some of it wasn't the most friendly. He made a concerted effort to call me regularly if I didn't call him. We just didn't have a lot to say. We kept the lines of communication open, but we weren't necessarily the most mature adults out there. I could see our combined stubbornness and desire to have our own way be something we need to work through.

Not responding to you all individually at this point, but just will give some general info and thoughts.

Today has been a very anxious day. I have so much input from people that I really don't know which way to turn. Therapy was rough. We accomplished little, because she immediately gave her opinion that 9 months (the time R and I will have been together if we were to marry at the end of March) isn't long enough to know each other and that if he's the one, we can continue dating for another year or two and he should still be there. She said to marry so soon with an 85% divorce rate for 2nd marriages sends up all sorts of red flags, and that she's concerned about us being on the same spiritual path, but if I'm determined to do it, it is a must that we seek some kind of premarital counseling. She wasn't saying "don't date him" or even "don't marry him". But she was saying "slow it down", and I'm not sure either he or I are willing to consider that. So going foward, she has decided it's best not to focus on the relationship, but to focus on me and my issues of anxiety and insecurity. I fully agree.

She also hammered on me about "don't you want to know God's will"? Yes, I do...I think...but a big part of me wants to believe that it is that R is the right person for me because I have prayed for 6 weeks for a miracle (basically that he would consider giving up his 2 year clause and marrying me earlier) and that's exactly what happened. So I felt it was of God. Then all you guys write, and I start second-guessing everything and I feel like if I don't bolt and run, I'm doomed or something. But my heart doesn't want to bolt and run. It wants to believe in hope.

Okay, so then "R" and I had our nightly conversation. At the very end I got down to one of my big questions:

"R, I need to know your reasons for making this decision. I need to know that you are not doing it out of some kind of pressure or feeling that you have to, because that is bad and the last thing we need is for you to end up resenting me in a year."

His response was that the three week period we were apart was a crossroads of sorts for him. He realized that he really needed to decide where this relationship with me was going, instead of just plodding along in it. And what he came up with in our time apart is that he very much missed me, and he realized that I am the person who is right for him, that again as he said it "the shoe fits". He went on to say that he's been single for almost 6 years now, he's had the opportunity to do a lot of dating, and while he realizes that it is very easy to find women to date, it is much, much harder to find the right one, and that's what he is confident he's found with me. And so he decided that if I am the right one, it's time he figures out how to deal with the logistic and other issues and just make it happen.

So fast forward to today. I spent 2 hours on the phone with my pastor, someone who has known me for almost 5 years, and who has been there through my issues with my ex and my daughter, and my divorce, among other things.

His take is slightly different, though probably left me feeling more guilt than anyone else because we were talking and he said, "Wait, I'm getting a little nudging from God. So would you say that what you and "R" do when you're together alone would be considered heavy petting?" Uh, yeah, probably...though the clothes stay on. Well, obviously that is still not exactly "purity" so he is concerned about my sinning, so then I fell back into that "if you continue to deliberately sin" fear. We talked some more, and still didn't really come to much of a conclusion other than you have to do what you're strong enough to do, and maybe we weren't strong enough to go "cold turkey" but that as I focus on God, I need to strive to live more as he'd have me live. Well, that complicates the next 12 weeks at a minimum, and frankly complicates my life in general, because it's very hard to imagine myself not being able to even hug or kiss someone I love for fear that it makes the hormones rage too much.

He doesn't feel that I need to just dump "R". He actually sees some good in what has happened, and believes that it's progress on "R's" part from his intial stance. He also isn't so much troubled with the 3-week decision making session, where he went into it not knowing if he even wanted to continue, and came out nearly proposing marriage. He said he could see how that could happen, with a lot of thought and prayer and God working. (And yes, I know "R" did some praying because he mentioned a couple times wishing God's voice would come booming through and give him the correct answer.)

But my pastor is more troubled with both "R" and my spiritual maturity. He wants to make sure we aren't just making horizontal decisions so that we can be with each other, but also making vertical decisions to put God first in our lives, because without God in the center of a marriage, it's outcome can be very dark and bleak.

So his suggestion was that "R" is not asking me to elope with him next week. We have 12 weeks to figure this out. He doesn't know what the answer is, but he also thinks it is a must that we seek Christian premarital counseling, either from a therapist or from a pastor...at least 2-3 sessions...before we even contemplate marriage, and that if "R" out-and-out refuses to do this, that it should be a warning from God that he and I are not right for each other. He did say not to expect him to heap roses on me when I first suggest it, and that he may require time to mull it over. But if he just says "NO WAY", then that would be concern that not only is he not willing to listen to God's direction, but that if he's not willing to work on setting us on a firm foundation beforehand, how does he expect that we will survive the first time we hit a major issue in our marriage.

He also agrees with all of you that I am a very anxious, insecure person, and that it is a must that I continue to work on that.

But being that anxious, insecure person, here I am after feeling like God just answered my prayers of the last 6 weeks now thinking, "There's no way this guy is going to agree to premarital counseling, and that's my answer from God." I truly fear he'll refuse because he's such a private person, and I'm not ready to let a man go who has put his heart out and all but proposed to me.

I shared with my pastor my struggle that I feel like the only way I can prove to God that he's Lord of my life is to totally let "R" go and have nothing, but yet I am wired to want to share my life with a man, especially one I love. I don't know what's right. He doesn't feel it's a sin to want to be with someone. He just stresses that God has to be first, and that our goal needs to be to grow as Christians.

So how do I bring up nicely to him that we need to do the counseling together? It doesn't have to be with my pastor; in fact I think it would make the most sense to find a totally neutral party who knows neither of us. But I know how guys are with any type of counseling.

I'm just still so much of a pessimist that all I can see is that somehow this is just going to end with incredible pain because God probabably is saying to me, "let him go".

Lastly, about being self-sufficient. Yes, it is a liberating thing to be able to do your own stuff. I can fix my own disposal, I totally tore apart my washing machine clear down to the motor and put in a new part, I can wire light switches, telephone jacks, and electronic thermostats. I can mow my lawn and snowblow, I can paint, I can saw and drill things, and I can get on ladders and hang Christmas lights on outdoor trees. I can deal on cars, houses, and other business transactions. I also now know how to take my car in and get it fixed. I do NOT change tires. But most of these things I was doing on my own when I was married, because my ex's responsibilites were to take care of the cars and mow the lawn. All else fell under me. So from that respect, I am very self-sufficient. I don't need someone to take care of all these issues. But what I desire is a partner to share my life with. That's what I wanted with "R".

LL

“”””Today has been a very anxious day. I have so much input from people that I really don't know which way to turn.”””

Really…… I don’t recall anyone advising you to jump in and marry him. As a matter of fact I think all the people here and you therapist are all pretty much on the same page, the only person not on that page is you. All of our and your therapist’s advice has said you ain’t ready for marriage. So what’s the question on which way to turn?

“””if he's the one, we can continue dating for another year or two and he should still be there.”””

AMEN……… I second that motion…..

“””she's concerned about us being on the same spiritual path”””

AMEN…… I second that motion….

“””and I'm not sure either he or I are willing to consider that.”””

OK…. A whole board full of people so to slow it down… Your professionally trained therapist says slow it down but you’re not willing to consider it? Are you that anxious to join the ranks of the 85%..... Heck, I’m a wagering man, I’m willing to bet that if y’all marry in March that within two years y’all will have either cheated, be divorced, or be miserable.

“””So going foward, she has decided it's best not to focus on the relationship, but to focus on me and my issues of anxiety and insecurity. I fully agree.”””

In other words, you’re being so closed minded in this area that she gave up… I can relate…

”””So would you say that what you and "R" do when you're together alone would be considered heavy petting?" Uh, yeah, probably...though the clothes stay on. Well, obviously that is still not exactly "purity" so he is concerned about my sinning, so then I fell back into that "if you continue to deliberately sin" fear.”””

Amen… Preach on Mr. Preacher man…..

“””Well, that complicates the next 12 weeks at a minimum”””

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind, it doesn’t matter that everyone on the planet thinks it’s a bad idea…. Get ‘Er Done so y’all can DO IT….

“””But my pastor is more troubled with both "R" and my spiritual maturity.”””


He’s not the only one…

“””if "R" out-and-out refuses to do this, that it should be a warning from God that he and I are not right for each other.”””

Yes it should, but you can ignore that too….

“””He also agrees with all of you that I am a very anxious, insecure person, and that it is a must that I continue to work on that.”””

I like this preacher….

”””So how do I bring up nicely to him that we need to do the counseling together?”””

You say, I was talking with my pastor about all this and he recommended premarital counceling, will you go with me. My pastor has time open starting next week.

“””It doesn't have to be with my pastor; in fact I think it would make the most sense to find a totally neutral party who knows neither of us. But I know how guys are with any type of counseling.”””

No that makes absolutely no sense. It makes sense to do it with someone who knows you and your struggles and your personality so you can’t BS them. If he agrees, do it with your pastor.

PS….. You still never answered, What about all the red flags you posted, which I kindly reposted for you? Do those red flags get any weight or are they tossed aside so you can jump in the sack…..?

I truly hope you can sense my frustration. I've excercised patience and that obviously ain't working, so I hope this will atleast open your eyes a little......

And yes, every word I typed was typed with love....

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers....

PS..PS... LISTEN to these people... Your Therapist, your Pastor, your friends hear.... We're all screaming WHOA!!!!! LISTEN.........

LL, I'm a little lost here. I know we have different belief systems, so I want to be careful. I just don't get all this God sending a message through R's decision to go to premaritial counseling or not. After all, R has free will. If R refuses to go to counseling, R is sending a message for sure. And even if R goes to counseling, it doesn't mean God wants you to get married now.

When we pray for things to happen, when we want people or actions, or incidents badly, we have a tendency to ascribe those same wants and desires to God. I really want to move to Albuquerque, so I pray to God a lot. Suddenly, I see a giant billboard for Southwest Airlines direct flights to Albuquerque. Ah ha! God wants me to move to Albuquerque. Never mind uprooting my children, moving them thousands of miles from family adn friends, having no job there and leaving a bunch of unresolved issues at home. God wants me to go.

God does? Oh,really. I want me to. And perhaps someone else had a little hand. I for one really believe in an active evil force, a force that is most effect when masquerading as something good. There's a reason why his name was once Lucifer.

I'm not saying this to confuse you more, LL. I'm just pointing out how hard it is to really open youself up to the Divine Will when you're so strong willed yourself, when you want something so badly as you want R.

What would happen if you waited until September to marry? Would the extra time help clarify God's will?

[color:"blue"] Lost Husband [/color]
I think LL is choosing to ignore your "red flags" post just like she's choosing to ignore all the other warnings and concerns that everyone here has posted for the last couple of months. I personally want to thank you (and several others) for the time, care, and thoughtfulness you put into each post; your words echo my thoughts much better than I could ever write them.

Avondale I agree I think lordslady is choosing the quick fix to a much deeper problem that will never be fixed until she recognizes that the changes have to be within her - and within her relationship with her daughter and her son - first and foremost before any relationship with a man... But this entire post gives me alot to think about so whether she chooses to take the advice I have found it all very helpful in someways to my own life...and I thank everyone for trying to help her - but in return really helping all of us....

Yes, he did non-grudgingly agree to premarital counseling if we decide to marry. And he also reminded me that he hasn't agreed to marry me yet. It has been tossed out on the table.

And yes, he said while the feelings are there, he does feel pressured to make this decision and really would have liked to have longer. And I asked him if we just date until summer and see how it went. He said no, he can't take the extreme temptation and frustration for that long.

So you can all gloat.

I am still at home trying to get myself ready for work because unfortunately my heart did not stop nor did I stop breathing during the night as I had hoped I might.

I've not emailed him nor talked to him since that conversation last evening. It would seem I have my answer. Once again, I prayed and prayed for something, once again it looked very promising, and once again things have blown up.

Story of my life. Why pray? In fact I had a brief moment last night where I wondered if God is even out there.

LL