Well, I guess Christmas sucks at your house.

But I think you are doing the right thing. She will either get on board with the marriage or she won't.

But what have you done? All I see here is that you are saying the same stuff you have said for a year, except now you have disarmed while being fired upon. You surrendered for absolutely no reason.

Did you give her the snooping stuff to appease her or because you are finished? Because even if your W does quit her job, which she won't do, you know you can't trust her. She is untrustworthy. Why would you give up the only protection you have against her?

Because she convinced you that catching her cheating is a "lovebuster?" Have you lost your mind, GT?

To some extent I understand why you gave up the spy equipment. I'm sure it was very hard to do. You are right in that you have to trust her BUT do you? If not, giving up the spy equipment will only drive you crazy wondering.

ss, maybe you can help me understand why he would turn his spying equipment over to an untrustworthy person, because I don't get it. I don't believe for a minute he is finished and neither does he.

GTO:

Well, most of us have been in your shoes. Yes they WS do lie to protect their "feelgood" relationship. You must make a decision to forgive her and win her back but you have a long hard painful battle ahead of you. It is not as easy as you might think. She may be connected to the new guy at your expense. That is the tough part.

Your love for her must be so strong that you will endure anything to save it. If it is, you will need to be smart and fight hard to save it.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

toosoon

I just caught up. Been reading...been silent.

But tonight...I can speak freely...say it's the chard most likely.

But here goes.

why on earth would you turn over your ammo to the enemy of the marriage? That would be the WS!

She is a WS! And if you believe they were talking about some other girl and some poor other chap you were wrong!

However, the best piece of spy equipment is the SPY FOR HIRE! YES...THE PI. That evidence cannot be refuted! See it for yourself. Have a secondary party intervene! If you want the truth...and no doubt, get one.

Go ahead. Giving up your spy gear does NOT show WW anything.

Imho, it seems like she's come down hard on YOU and she is demanding something...like YOU TO QUIT SPYING ON HER OR SHE'S OUT...

Why else would somebody give up their gear?

Get the answers. Hire a pro.

While it may hurt, the truth can also set you free.

Wishing you peace tonight my brother. Sorry for your pain.

I honestly don't know how to respond to TooSoonToBeComfortable. I love my wife, but this has been a long battle that my wife has simple taken advantage of me and my willingness to put up with her bull$#!+!!!

Melody, I am finished with being a doormat. That may very well mean divorce. I have not backed down. It's up to my wife now. I re-signed the papers Thursday and asked the attorney to file them. They will be filed on Tuesday morning. I'm not happy about this, but I have resolved that I am not in a marriage that I want to be in or that is heading in a direction that will lead to recovery and happiness.

If I want to snoop again, I can easily buy a new recorder. The point is, I don't want to be in a marriage where I need to do that. I gave them up, because I am saying that I am done with the marriage as it is. The only way to go on, is a change in her attitude and behavior. I don't expect either, so I guess I will begin the new year with a new life.

Grove a Merry Christmas to you & yours.
I hope your WW will become on board and realise what she is doing.

Many have you know, me amongst them. Will say a prayer or two for you.

AW

justpeachy I've used a PI before and talked to them about spying in the work place. NO CAN DO. They won't go near a school. Plus there is no way to get into a school to find out. I've done as much as they can do. I've been outside the building when my wife leaves, and so far this year, they have never left at the same time. They know that I might be waiting, so they make sure that they are never seen leaving together.

I've given up. It is up to my wife now to make this work. I've done all I can and will do.

I'm praying for a miracle, but I don't expect one.

No real change. Christmas was ok, but I kind of ruined part of it by bringing up my concerns about her having contact with the OM. She still denies it. It doesn't look like she is willing to admit to anything.

Of course I fear that maybe I'm just crazy and that she might be right and that it's my fault we can't recover from her affair (ie I won't let it die). I know I'm not crazy and I know that it's not my fault, but it's very hard to end a marriage on circumstantial evidence.

Well, my friend, in order to back DOWN, you have to BACK UP to the plate and you have yet to do this. You just surrendered and are making the same idle threats you made before and she knows it. You are only threatening divorce, not because you are done, but in - yet another - attempt to manipulate her. It hasn't worked the last 10 times you tried it and it won't work this time. She knows she has you by the short and curlies and you will shut up if she says shut up.



But you ARE in a marriage like that, even if she did magically change her attitude tomorrow. Are you sure you didn't give them up in order to appease her again? She has a history of making you feel guilty for catching her and then she uses it as ammunition against you. She has succeeded in doing this once again because she has you conned into thinking you "lovebusted" her by catching her.

Honestly, GT. This is painful to watch because you have become the poster boy for insanity: you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. It won't work. It didn't work last month or the month before and it won't work now. Your W knows your threats are meaningless and is very skilled in making you the bad guy when you catch her!


We will see, won't we?

Melody,

While I am having a lot of doubt, I have not backed down from my decision to go through with the divorce. I hate, it makes me ill to think of it, but I do not see any other alternative, other than putting blinders on and allowing my wife to do whatever she feels like doing.

Of course I want and hope she will change. I honestly thought the fact that it was Christmas might melt some of the ice off of her heart, I was wrong. Yes she makes me feel guilty, yes I hate the thought that my marriage is all but over, but I won't allow those feelings to change what I feel has to be done.

The marriage as it is, is over. Yes I'm trying to get her to see the light before we sign the papers, but after a year of this mess, I no longer expect anything from her. I'm just praying for a miracle. It is Christmas after all. . .

Thanks Melody, I understand that you have my best interest at heart with your comments. I'm just using this board as a way to express my concerns and fears. If I didn't post on here, I would either be in the looney bin or pretending that my wife is still a committed wife and driving myself insane.

I know she's lying, I hate that she is doing it, and truthfully I just don't understand how someone could lie like that. That fact that she is willing to say that I am crazy and need help, is almost evil. I can't imagine trying to make someone believe that they are mentally ill. This has definitely taken it's toll on me mentally, but I'm not yet ready to be committed. (maybe tomorrow!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Merry Christmas and God bless!

GTO

WS's do lie while they are in their fog state. Under normal circumstances your WW probably didn't lie. Help her break the affair and get her back to normalcy and you then have a chance to rebuild. You have to love her at all costs because divorcing is probably easier than saving the marriage and rebuilding it. You choosing to love her and then forgiving her is a choice you must make. Do not let your pride get in the way because pride will not allow you to make the choice to forgive and go forward. Good luck.

TS