Hi,

I have been kind of doing a plan A for about 3 months, even before I had found MB books and MB site. Confronting my W and arguing about what she was doing was not working. I have known in my heart for about a year that something was wrong but I never suspected an A.

I have been working on my problems in our marriage and trying not to confront my WW with anything about the A.

But every couple of weeks I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut.

How do you guys stay focused on avoiding LB's? How do you deal with the pain? How do you not get mad?

My WW still denies everything so there has not been a NC letter. I am trying to talk her into MC.

She is loving and caring if I do not confront, but she continues to see the OM, and it is breaking my heart.

JustBryan

Your wife is having an A (EA or PA). Your first task is to accept reality for what it is...and then do something about it!

Investigate so you can confirm the A. Don't rely on her words. She will lie to you ‘til kingdom comes. Get the proof and then expose to OMW, if any, and her parents. What happens after that will determine whether you should expose some more.

This task should keep you busy for a couple of days.

BTW, going to MC while she is still having the A is truly a waste of time and money. Thus, you first task in Plan A besides trying to meet her needs is to bust up the A.

Best

You are not doing Plan A

Plan A is being the BEST husband you can be ... and that INCLUDES having difficult and truthful and tactful conversations with your wife about her continuing infidelity choices.

Have you exposed the affair to friends and family?

Read this

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2858269

How is she seeing the OM??? At work claiming its just a friendship?

Yes. They meet at work. Usually she says its just some guy at work. Once she said he is just a friend.

Well, I have tried to have the tough discussions. These do not go well. She refuses to talk about it at all and then will not talk to me for several days.

Its a PA and probably was a EA for months before. I have been investigating, but every time I bring something up to her, she denies it and then change their behaviour.

So by talking to her about what I know I am actually helping them to become better at hiding this.

Pepperband, thanks for the link.

I have been doing most of the "carrot" stuff. And that was kind of my original question, how do people who are doing or have done this stay motivated?

I have done some of the stick. Maybe not enough or maybe not enough all at once.

I have talked to her parents, they were not completely suprised because her brother had seen them together.

After talking to SH and his first question was "what does his wife think about this", he convinced me to call the OMW on the telephone. I have done that, but nothing seems to have come of that yet.

UVA,

I know MC is probably a waste of time while the A is going on but I don't know what else to do. I was hoping that a third party, trained in these kind of things, could perhaps soften her heart and help her to realize what she is doing.

She does not listen to me. I have told her that marriage means one man, one women. I have told her I can see how we got here and I am ready to work on the mistakes I have made in the marriage.

I have told her the affair must end, and then we need to work on re-building the marriage and we need to get help because the issues that brought us to this place still have to be addressed in the marriage.

What did you tell the OMW and what was her response? Does your W know you exposed to her? Did you expose to your W's family?

Hi MelodyLane,

I called the OMW on the telephone and told her in general terms what I knew about the A. She was very upset. I suppose we talked for about 15 minutes. She asked me several questions about dates and times and I got the impression she was putting things together in her mind.

I felt very uncomfortable doing this so I did not ask her about any information on "her side".

I gave the OMW my work number if she wanted to further discuss, she has not contacted me.

I did not tell my wife I exposed to the OMW. SH said I would find out within a matter of hours. Well, its been 3 weeks now and my wife has not said a thing.

I have exposed to my wifes family. They believe me, I think mostly because their son had seem my WW and OM together.

Hi Pepperband,

"You are not doing Plan A" that is what SH said to me too. I think its the part about exposing the affair and getting it out into the open right?

Well, I have disclosed to OMW, 3 weeks ago. Nothing has seemed to have happened.

I have disclosed to my W's parents, I asked them not to say anything because in Plan A I thought I was not supposed to make my wife unhappy.

And the latest news is that my W has agreed to MC after Christmas but the one condition I have to meet is to not discuss the supposed affair with her, our families, or our friends.

I am thinking I am being "managed" here. But SH said we need to get into counseling and that if she agrees I should do nothing to undermine that.

Bryan, could it be that your W knows but doesn't want to allude that she knows because it would be an admission of contact? Could it be that the OMW did not tell her H?

Either way, I would tell your W NOW that OMW has been notified of the affair. She needs to know she has been exposed.

I would let her know it's been exposed.

Exposure doesn't work if it doesn't create pressure and a spotlight on the behavior of those involved in the affair.

Expect her to blow a gasket or two and swear that she'll never trust you - blah, blah, blah, fog, fog, fog.

Sounds to me like she wants go get out of this with everyone thinking she's flawless. That won't contribute to the brokenness she's going to need to put down the ego, submit to marital vows, and uncover the root causes of her deplorable behavior.

Just MHO.

MelodyLane,

I am thinking my W knows I exposed to OMW but she can't say because that would admit contact.

She has agreed to counseling, but only if I stop talking about the A. So not sure I want to tell W I have disclosed to OMW at this point, she would probably say the MC is off.

It seems like such a waiting game, and they have all the information. I just get bits and pieces - enough to know they are still meeting, but never enough to truly know what is on their minds and what they may be planning.

And when we spent good family time together with our two children on the weekends, after that I get pretty sad, and then may confront her and want to know why is she still seeing the OM. What is she doing and what are they planning?

[color:"blue"] Why are you so afraid of her that you are willing to live a lie? [/color]

Pepperband,

I don't think I am afraid of her, she has not threatened to do anything. Her strategy I think is to just keep denying everything, and maybe try to keep the OM and me happy? I sometimes wonder if they are planning to divorce and then get married? And that they are not ready yet and therefore want to keep the situation at the respect homes stable?

Its like she is living two parallel lives. The one at home with me, the children, and our families, and the one at work with the OM. She does not seem to "miss" the OM when they are apart, like over Thanksgiving we had a wonderful time.

I was hoping that MC might do something even though the A is still occuring. So for the time being at least I am not talking about the A with her so she will go to counseling.

But yes, its very much a lie. Even if she does love me she is with another man, another man she must love to be doing this. I don't approve, and I don't like it, and I think its a very unstable situation for us to be in.

Seems like I have two options, let it play out, trying to be the best husband I can, or separate. I am viewing the counseling as the next step of letting the situation play out.

Let me repeat: going to MC while the A is alive and well is truly a waste of time.

I see that you wife feel that she can manipulate you and get you to go her way or no way whenever it suits her purpose. Thus, I think of the first things you need to do is to grow a bigger Backbone. You are going to have to be a little tougher than you have been so far.

Call WW’s parents and tell them to talk to you WW to see if they can help you save your M. It is pointless to expose to a party and not having your WW know about it. The whole point of exposure is to put pressure on the WS. How can your WW feel pressure if she does not know that others know of her sleazy A? It is therefore imperative that WW’s parents talk to her about her sleazy A and that you tell your WW, as Mel suggested, that you told OMW. If you keep this in the dark from your WW, you are enabling the A and thereby doing a disservice to your M.

UVA,

Thanks for the post. You are correct, it does tend to be my W's way or no way on many of the issues in our marriage. Even when the A ends that is something I think we have to fix.

I have trying to be tougher. Exposing to the OMW was pretty hard. If the counseling does not appear to be going anywhere I do plan to tell my wife's parents that its time for them to say something.

Perhaps I am fooling myself that MC is going to do anything at this point. But since she has agreed I just wanted to give it a try.