MM,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So glad you came along today. Haven't heard from you in awhile.

First, I'm going to read-up on POJA again on this site.

Then, I'm going to do exactly as you suggested.

And you want to know something? Doing this will be really good for me because it's one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. I didn't have a lot of role models for this type of communication in my life. My mom is more the passive-aggressive type. So, as you say...


This won't be easy for me. But then again, change rarely is. Simple, but not easy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again. I'll keep you posted.

--SC

Do you see, SC? This whole process is about learning, about changing perspectives (right, JL??), about making the changes in ourselves that are needed. Look what you wrote:


You are becoming a better person, SC. You are conquering your past demons. Really, think about this...you have probably learned more about yourself post-DDay than you have in the last 5 years. Right?

No matter who you are married to, you need to do this. Even at work, at church, with friends...you need these type of communication skills. This is a life skill, one that will go a long way in anything you do.

Same goes for your husband. He doesnt want to do those things, right? Well, why? He doesnt know yet. But he will find it out by conquering the "whys," he will become a better person and life becomes a little easier. Less conflict.

This is what life is about. We will never be perfect, but we get better. That is what marriage is about. It isnt about having the perfect marriage, whatever that is. It is about having one person in this life that has invested themselves in our betterment. That is interested in our flawed selves, and willing to help us work thru those things...even if they take a lifetime. Sure, there are other parts (the trips, the awesome moments....okay, and the sex!!). But there is the flip side, where we have one person that knows us...really knows us.

I have found most people are scared of that. That if a person really knew us, that they would reject us. So we hide parts of ourselves in order to save face.

But with our spouse, it should be the one person where everything is known about us...where nothing is unexposed. Not our physical selves. Not our emotions or fears. Not our silly wants. Not even our flaws. And the funny thing about it is even with all of that stuff, that person STILL wants to be with us!!

As you have heard here before, you did about as bad as you could to your husband...and he STILL wants to be with you!! Why? Remember, I said that the answer is in the "Whys." He is still with you because he knows you, flaws and all. And even with all of the flaws, he still wants you.

And isnt THAT really what we are all looking for, even right from the beginning? Isnt that really the definition of the "perfect" marriage?

In His arms.

One more thing off what I said here, SC.

If adultery is bad and the betrayal one of the worse things a person can ever feel, does that tell you what you are worth to your husband?

Think about that for a sec. The huge emotional withdrawal that you made when he found out...and it was still not enough to make him want you out of his life.

When weighing the affair and other bad issues with you, he weighed them againts the good issues...the things he loved about you. And his conclusion was that the good outweighed the bad. That means that to at least one man on this planet, you are worth a heck of a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

Just Learning told me recently that he knows that my wife must be one heck of a woman. Now, JL has never met or talked to my wife. So why did he say that he knows? He told me he knows because he knows what I went thru, he was there and heard what pain and anger I went thru...and I still didnt kick her to the curb. I still valued her enough to risk everything to bring her home.

You see, the value with something is based on what someone is willing to pay for that thing. With Christians, we know our worth to God because He had His Son die for us. That makes us extremely valuable!!

Now, look at your husband (I think you already have...so maybe I am just restating the obvious!). We can tell that you are one heck of a woman because of what this one man is willing to "pay" in order to be with you. Both the good and the bad. And considering what we know about affairs and the damage they cause (the bad), you must have a lot of "good" that outweighs that.

You are extremely valuable to Mr. Cookie. So, dont sell him short on what he might do. He may just surprise you because you are worth so much to him.

In His arms.

SC:

Sorry I didn't post on here earlier. I was going to post this afternoon but MM came to the rescue with very good advice. A couple of points that I wanted to add. We must all remember in the early recovery that both parties to the M contributed to events and actions that made the environment ripe for an A. Starting into recovery, the intitial focus almost has to be on acceptance of the WS by the BS and repentence by the WS. This happened several weeks ago for both of you. As hard as that part was especially for you to finally tell him the truth and as amazing as his reaction was even though he was clearly suffering, that is just the first step in the recovery process. As was suggested in our early posts, you both have worked through understanding the others EN'S and for a short time, you probably thought this was just going to be too easy. Well, remember my first post to you when I told you that recovery was a rollar coaster with many bumps in the road? I think you just experienced a bridge collapse. Thats the bad news. The good news is that either both of you can swim or the other will throw you a life jacket.

I can relate to your sitch in so many ways. My FWW;s A was similar to yours and for some of the same reasons. How I handled the D-Day was very similar to Mr. SC. Initially, we made a lot of progress quickly and thought that this was easy......KABOOM, got side swiped by a Monster truck. Although we were committed to doing all the things needed in a MB based recovery process, there were still the issues that existed before the A. What were the things that bothered my wife so seriously that she made the wrong choice to seek those needs being met by someone else? I, like your husband was a conflict avoider, especially with neighbors. She took this personality characteristric as a weekness, I was also highly stressed running my own business. She was a SAHM and had been struggling all day with little interaction with adults. When I came home, I wanted to veg. She wanted to go out and dance. Niether of us understood why the other was the way they were but it started to build resentment between us that would ultimately allow the A to happen.

Post D-Day we did all the right things initially. Undivided attention, few LB's, etc. The last thing we got to was the POJA. What a powerful tool to be used in making a marital couple exceed the abilities of either of them alone. Remember in Jerry McGuire <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> when Tom Cruise says "You complete me" I really think that is the essence of a happily recovered marriage. When we marry, according to Dr. Phil, it we can find someone who has 80% of what each partner wants even if the other 20% has some deal busters, if the marriaed couple grows together, they will find a way to merge the other 20%. As MM so elequently said, POJA is the means to that end.

Just a couple of examples. My wife is just like you, always willing to do anything for anyone. This used to bug the crap out of me because I didn't have any say in it. With POJA, we have agreed that we are better people by helping out others in need. So if something comes up that concides with something we already have planned like time together for Undivided Attention, we know discuss if our time could be rearranged to accomodate helping our fried. If we both agree, we do it and we do it together. If we don't have anything going on my wife will just let me know that the evening is tied up and if I need to work late or whatever, no problem. Instead of these events becoming a cause of conflict (pre-A) we have found ways to practice our marriage building skills in all kinds of situations.

Another issue pre-A was that I wanted to have more involvement in the farm as a hobby but my FWW liked to go dancing or shopping. After POJA, we decided that I would be able to run a few cows and would need a horse to check them. Rather than this activity taking up all my extra time, we decided that if we got her a horse and she could ride occassionally with me that she would have a rec activity that we both enjoyed and since the cost of maintaining the horses was covered by profits on the cattle operation, we found a way to have free dates. This has worked out wonderfully for both of us. Pre-A this would not be considered

The point to this is that you do need to address the issues that caused conflict prior to the A regardless of how many times they were discussed prior. Every day into recovery is a new day, hopefully with more communicaiton and less disrepectful judgements from both of you. As you practice these tenets consistently the two of you will become more 1 and the potential for both of you acting in unison will yeild results far in excess of what either of you could contribute individually.

I might suggest this way to approach your husband about the things that are bothering you in this way. Mr. SC, I am really working hard to try and put meaning in my life while we are recovery our marriage. I feel like that I have an opportunity to make up for my past mistakes by helping others whenever I can. It would mean a lot to me if we could work together in this regard because not only would it allow us to have quality time together but also will help you feel better about yourself in the process. I have always had respect for those who can help others without expecting something in return and I just feel like this could be a huge turn on for me that might result in some serious SF. Just a thought on one approach.

MM, as usual is right on target with his posts. I for one thank that too often some of the Bs ON THIS BOARD really do think that the WS should be punished to eternatity. This is counterproductive for rebuilding the M. At some point, the focus has to shift away from what has already happened and how to make what will happen in the future the best for all parties involved and move in that direction.

MM, JL, NT,
Just enough time here for a very quick "thank you" post. You are all wonderful teachers and mentors. I am so greatful that you take the time to write such thoughtful, insightful, detailed posts. You always give me a lot to think about. Now I just need to follow through with some action. As I said, I'll keep you posted.
--SC

SC,

Good that is all we ask. That you consider what we say and then develop your own plan of action.

God Bless,

JL

True, she does not have a life of penance to do, but if someone has 20 affairs, they are entitled to NOTHING <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />