Thanks cinderella...I've been trying to figure that on out with no luck obviously! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

FOO = family of origin
FOC = family of choice

I guess you can figure out the difference

Anyway, I hung up on my mother last night. I guess I really need to apologize for that. Hard eating crow when you have been disrespectful to someone who has devalued you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Don't think of it as rejection. You don't respect this FOO, so why would you feel rejected by them? Consider them as you would someone you just met. Treat them with common courtesy if you need to maintain a relationship with them, but don't expect anything from them because they've proven that they are not capable. You can maintain a surface relationship with them if you wish, but if it continues to harm you - why would you do that?

I gave up that "rejection" thought long ago. My sister is the golden child - even married a priest, so I have no chance to rise above her - so I don't try. I am amused by the dysfunction in that family though.

Still thinking of you Cinderella.

What Newly is saying is so true, but yet so hard.

I can not fathom what you are living.
But, I need to learn to treat my x [and his mother] in this way, plain common courtesy. It's a very hard thing to do.
To treat them as such with no expectation in return.

Good advice Newly!
Karona

I can spout it, but I cannot yet live it, especially with X.
Cin, in your case it is totally different and you are still processing the hurt, anger, blame, and most likely guilt that you couldn't protect your DD. I still have guilt that this is the father I gave to my wonderful children, and guilt over the emotional trauma that they will need to recover from.

So Cin, what is really going on with you that makes you feel worst, and can you discuss this with a counselor or someone else (I mean qualified, rather than us). I can't imagine being in your sitch, and yet I've feared for my kids in a similar sitch.

But, your on track Newly.

Excellent advice to Cinderella, again!

Karona

[color:"blue"]I think you should be mad, but not at yourself. One of the issues that stems from such a FOO is the inability to get angry when appropriate. We are conditioned not to feel anger so that the abusive parent can continue with the abuse and the abused child is kept in it's place.

My family is very similar. My mother still is with my father who not only abused his daughters but then continued on to even worse abuse on his grandaughters. She waited for him to get out of jail.

She was (probably) abused herself - I know my grandfather who also did inappropriate things and said inappropriate things to me when I was a teen. I know that she thinks that men are men and that is the way they are when it comes to sex and women. She probably feels sorry for him and excuses his behavior because he was a child of abuse from his alcoholic father. She thinks that no one would ever treat her as well as he does because he does a lot to spoil her. She thinks that living in an area that is an adult retirement area will keep him from finding more victims. An attempt to control what is probably uncontrollable.

The victims and the abusers will justify their actions any way that they can in order to feel better. Once you understand this it becomes predictable that both will defend, deny, and devalue anything that is uncomfortable for them to accept.

Not that this will make you feel any less angry, but it might help you to understand the root of all the lies and deceptions.

V. [/color]

I've had some processing to do since Tuesday. I talked to my mom on the phone and she said something that surprised me. She said my sister and her husband know what their son did was wrong. That surprised me. They actually said something like that to her? Where did that come from? Oh well, I guess that should feel that way, Right?!

She is my mom and she is 80 and she lives only about 6 miles from me. That night, as I try to do a couple of times a week, I went by to see her - for just a while. And for the first time in a while she seemed to ask how my daughter really is. I could sense that there was more real interest in the question than when she has asked lately.

Who knows what anyone meant.

But I finally told her that I did feel angry and betrayed - and I did it without yelling.

Who knows what the future holds? I'm not holding my breath to see what happens. I'm gonna go on loving BOTH my children and being there for them.

And, if my family comes around, fine. If they don't, fine.

So, what do I do with their Christmas presents? I know mom will enjoy hers. My sister might put theirs in the trash can if she got them now. My idea is to box them up and take them to mom's. And send my sister a note that they are there so that, if and when, they want them, they can get them but they are not required to do so. That I expect nothing in return. I did this because I do love them (loving them and liking their choices are different) and wanted to do so. And, if the gifts are still there next Christmas, they are there next Christmas. Que sera sera.

Beyond that, there is a more practical question. My entire biological family, other than my children, consists of my 80 year old depressed mother and my freaked-out sister. I need an emergency contact person in the event of some drastic crisis. I have no 'best friend' on whom I would lay the responsibility. I have no one, really, to list. I have no contact with any of my cousins or my only uncle. NO ONE. My BF lives a couple of hours away by air - nearly 20 hrs away by car.

[color:"purple"]WHAT DO I DO?[/color]

C~
I hope your mom is coming around and re-thinking this situation. It appears she may be. I'm so happy to read that she finally asked how her granddaughter is doing.

Any one other than family in this case would be best to talk to. Family takes sides ya know.
I would say here, but, in a time of crisis, the board can be distant at times. [I don't believe intentionally, its a timing issue]
I do feel your pain.

K

I think you seriously need to get out on the world and develop more relationships. Is there a support group in your area - either for divorced people or for family of abuse survivors? Perhaps a church would be a safe place for you now.

I have no family in my area, but am lucky to have friends to list as emergency contacts.

I'm glad to hear of the conversation with your mom.

I have a church home where I think they think I'm a fairly integral member. I have some friends there but no one I would ask to assume that sort of responsibility.

Only support group I ever tried for divorced people was not for me. There are very few divorced people at my church.

I need to look into an abuse survivors group. Really do. But that would be halfway across town and that gets complicated between dinner, work, children, homework for them, etc.

Heavens, look at all those excuses.

I do need to get a better life.