We spoke with the children today...Told them that we are having some problems and that we would be living apart for awhile. It had nothing to do with them and that we both loved them very much. That they would still be going to the same school and that they would spend one week with their mom and then one week with me. They seemed to take it fairly well but who knows what's going on in thier heads right now. It really sucks to have them in the middle of this whole situation.

Before we told them, we all had gone out to breakfast. The conversation focused on the kids and some small talk. The WW did ask me if I could help her pay the child care bill this week. I told her that we had agreed that she would cover her weeks and I would cover mine. She said she knew but was wondering if I could help her "this time". I told her I wouldn't know until I sat down and looked over all the bills. She just said nevermind at that point.

Question? What is the right thing to do at this point as far as finances? I make a lot more than her and there is no way she will make it financially on her pay alone.
After speaking with a lawyer he said I have no legal obligation to pay her anything until papers (divorce or separation) are filed and support judgements are made.
Is it wrong to let her flounder financially (again it was her choices that put us here)or should I be assisting? I don't want to make it easy for her but at the same time I don't want her to come back for the wrong reasons. Or does it not matter why she comes back if it will give us the opportunity for R?

Opinions or experience in this area would be appreciated,

DaVinci2

Davinci, it is a good idea to NOT help her financially. It is important that she face the consequences of her bad choices.

To help her would be financing the affair, which is not in yours or the childrens best interest. You should give her no money at all. If she wants to live like a single woman, then she should be allowed to do so. And a single woman does not have a H around to tide them over when they can't support themselves.

Melodylane took the words right out of my mouth.
I have read many post and that is what you want to do is make her face her consequences. This just answerd my own question I posted about ten minutes ago. They want the single life, then let her live it in every means.

Davinci, what is the status between the OM and OMW? Are they going to try and salvage their marriage? Are you staying in touch with the OMW and working together to kill the affair?

I'm not sure about the OMW. She was in denial when I told her, so I gave her the numbers of my WW's sister, her sister's boyfriend and my WW's stepdad. They confirmed she called them all and they told her about the A. Not sure what her H is telling her...maybe that they didn't have sex they were just really close or something.

Today I noticed on my caller id that the OMW had called me on Wed when I was at work so I called her today. She said she forgot what she wanted to talk to me about. I asked her if she was doing OK and she said she was. I told her that if she needed anything to call me. She said thanks, Talk to you soon, and that was it.

If I was just informed about the A by the other BS, I know I would be calling and asking for everything they knew. So she might not believe it. Not sure if I should press the subject with her or just leave it alone and see if she calls back.

Well, it sounds like you have done everything you can do. As long as she knows you are now seperated and your WW is free to pursue her H, that is all you can do. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her. You did the right thing and can't really do anything more.

We all react differently. I know that the OMW in our case knows about the A, but she's never contacted either myself or my FWW to discuss it. And when I tried to initiate contact some time ago (at that point I wanted to find out if the version of the A she heard from the OM matched the version I was getting from my FWW), she asked me not to contact her again and I've respected her request.



You've done all that you need to do - you've informed her of the A. What she does from this point is up to her.

DaVinci,

If she has a hard time financially having the kids you should possibly offer to have them with you in her week. Do not offer WW any money.
The plus side of this is that it might help in custody decisions later on. It might also help in making her miss her former life.
The minus side is that it does give WW more time to live her single life.

You already know my views on “amicable” divorce/separations from another forum!

Happy New Year everyone and thanks for the continued support!

I changed all the locks on the doors yesterday. I figured why should the WW have access to my house when I don't have access to hers. Haven't told her yet. Maybe I'll just let her be surprised if she stops by for something.

I went to a Nsmall NYE Party last night with some friends. Had a good time but couldn't help wishing my WW was there to enjoy it with me. Did have quite a surprise when a woman at the party started coming on to me. Nothing serious but she was definately interested. We talked for quite awhile and she had actually just gotten a D because her husband was cheating on her. She found out when her WH accidentally had his OW's gym membership card he was paying for sent to his home.
What a strange world we live in? Why is it so hard for people to be and stay committed to each other? Anyways it was flattering to have the interest and nice to have someone to talk to but it didn't go any farther than that. I don't need any more complications in my life right now.

I picked up the kids today and contact with the WW was short and to the point. She did call me about an hour later to tell me that one of our mutual friends was pregnant. She then called a while later, asked me what the kids were doing and to tell them that she loved them.
Also, yesterday when I told her I had things to do in the afternoon, she had called me later asking what I did.

I'm not sure what to think about this behavior. Is this typical? Does it mean anything, or am I just over-analyzing things?

Gotta go for now...taking the kids to the park.

DaVinci

Just keep Plan A'ing away. But my WH never called to ask about anything. He used to leave me long letters about how he loved me, blah, blah, blah, but they were more along the lines of justifying his behavior. He was NEVER interested in the day to day stuff. So I think it is probably promising.

Just want to point out that I know you are getting advice on NC and 180 as well as Plan A (seen posts on another site).

These three methods vary and it is not a good idea to mix them together. In my view a good Plan A with the support and under the guidance of the people here on MB would be the best way to start.

I know you are probably right Bigger. It's just very difficult and confusing right now. Here's my latest move...good, bad?

Well today the WW called and said she might stop by and pick something up at the house tomorrow. I thought this was a good opportunity to tell her I changed the locks, so I did. I also told her that if she need to get anything else from the house to just give me a call. She was a little miffed about it asking me to just take her off the mortgage too. I told her you know I can't just do that. She said she didn't understand why I did that because she has been telling me every time she goes to the house and she's not trying to take anything we haven't agreed to. I told her that it was a matter of trust. She said fine and wanted to end the conversation. I continued by telling her that her actions in the past and well as the present leave me without any trust. I told her right now I have to assume the worst...that she is continuing contact and the affair with the OM, and that she is just stringing me along. She asked how she was just stringing me along... I told her by pretending that nothing has happened, by refusing to discuss anything at all, acting like we can just be good friends and move on with our lives. I continued and told her until she can come to me and tell me that it's over with her and the OM and have absolutely no contact with him, Be willing to be completely honest from this point forward, and be genuinely willing to work on this marriage, that we really didn't have a starting point for gaining the trust back or for reconciliation. I told her that it seems you want to take the easy way out and she asked for an explanation. I explained that it's much easier to avoid any discussion and that it would take courage and dedication to work on this M. As usual she tried to quickly end the conversation by making up a lame excuse. I told her that she always does this and it's getting very tiring. She asked...Well, you obviously didn't like what I told you before, what is it that you want to hear? (If you've been following my post you know she has been bouncing around from I'm done to I need more time to think,)I told her that I really didn't know what I wanted her to say but in a perfect would what I would like to hear is the conditions I stated earlier. She said that she wasn't going to repeat what I just said because that is what I wanted to hear. I asked her if she could just honestly tell me if she was seriously considering things. She said that she was (with a sarcastic tone in her voice).

I know I probably took 2 steps forward and one step back but this "limbo thing" is for the birds. I just hate not knowing she's thinking...I would rather have a firm it's over, let's file the papers or yes I'm willing to work on things. It's so difficult not moving in any direction at all, but I'll back off again now. I just felt it was important to get her thinking about the conditions it would take for R and blow off a little steam also.

DaVinci

I don’t think painting a clear picture of what is required for reconciliation nor a clear picture of the consequences of divorce could be are love busters.

However, you must make sure that reconciliation offers warmth and something good to come back to. No matter how self-assured and secure she sounds you can take it to the bank that she has her doubts and second thoughts. That is when you want coming back to you to be a tempting option.

I take the view that this is war. In a war winning every skirmish is not as important as winning battles. Winning battles is less important than winning the war itself. If she decides to reconcile you want he borders you set clear but they can not be “degrading” or humiliating for her. NC with OM is not degrading. But a “small” issue like having her acknowledge her actions are wrong can wait for a better time.

Have you contacted OMW recently? You should try to confirm if OM and WW are still seeing each other.

Bigger,

When i think about my marriage for the last couple of years I think I was alredy doing Plan A about 80% of the time mixed in with 20% accusations and resentment for her inconsiderate actions. (Not answering her cell, going out with the OM, his wife and children and our children on a regular basis; movies, lunch, church! I didn't go with them most of the time because I thought something might be going on and I don't really like them anyways.

I think Plan A is exactly want she wants, only indefinately. She wants no confrontation, no repercussions for her actions, and doesn't want to discuss anything at all. She acts like she just wants to throw the whole thing in a closet, shut the door and pretend everything is fine.

As far as the OMW...from an earlier post on 12/31...
"Today I noticed on my caller id that the OMW had called me on Wed when I was at work so I called her today. She said she forgot what she wanted to talk to me about. I asked her if she was doing OK and she said she was. I told her that if she needed anything to call me. She said thanks, Talk to you soon, and that was it."

It's also very difficult for me to determine if there is still contact with the OM since she moved out. So essentially I have absolutely no feedback at all and I think that's the worst part.

DaVinci,

Read Dazesandconfused thread and you will see that Plan A is usually carried on longer than most would feel possible. And this is recommended by people with tremendous experience. However you can also find a number of Plan B threads here. Maybe one of the veterans could offer you some advice...

I have read Dazedandconfused thread and there seems to be conflicting advice there also, although most favor the Plan A.

I know I've been flip-flopping around with some plan A and some plan B. It just seems whatever I try nothing feels like the right thing to do. (Maybe because I am not very patient right now and I am looking for results too soon)

During the last year or so (when I only assumed she might be having an A or getting close to one) I tried to meet her needs the best I knew how at the time but she was shut off from me emotionally. She would not sit by me when watching TV, say I love you unless i said it first, would not initiate sex, would not be very conversational although she was with her friends, etc

I tried to be very supportive because my WW was depressed much of the time. I would ask if I could help with dinner, I would help do laundry and dishes, help the kids with homework, send her flowers from time to time. On our 10th anniversary (last year) I made her a scrapbook with pictures of our wedding, the kids growing up, family events and vacations, etc. The theme of the book was "Family is Everything". I always asked her what I could do to make her feel better or asked her what was wrong. Her answer was always "There's nothing you can do because I don't know why I'm feeling this way" I suggested she see a doctor for depression but she never did.

Was this not Plan A I was doing for a long time without realizing it?

Is is still worth pursuing a Plan A at this point? Will it have a different affect since the A has been been exposed?

For the last 2 days we haven't talked at all...just passed the phone to the kids. In the middle of writing this she called to talk to the kids and when she was done I initiated a conversation by asking her how work was going? She was pretty receptive and we talked for about 5 minutes or so. It was very pleasent and actually felt pretty good. Should I keep this up? What should I expect to measure progress, if that's even possible at this point. I don't want to cross the line from Plan A to doormat that's being taken advantage of...

Any opinions or experience will be appreciated.

DaVinci2

The last 2 days I've been doing the mostly plan B. Polite but minimal contact...only related to the kids. She hasn't been open to letting me meet any EN's. She is living right next to her Mom's house so she has been with her quite a bit. She was a little pissy yesterday when she called me 4 times and I didn't answer my cell. (I felt like asking her how it feels, but I resisted). I have also resisted calling her sister (who exposed the A to me) and asking for info, such as if the WW is still in contact with the OM or if she heard anything about the OM and the OMW. Still tempting but I think it would get right back to the WW that I was looking for info. (IE: not moving on)

So for now I'm just keeping busy and trying not to think about things too much.

DaVinci2.

MB is always slow on weekends. I’ve sometimes wondered whether we work on our relationships in our time and others in work time...

I would really appreciate if someone chimed in with suggestions. At the moment you seem to be doing a 180 semi Plan B thingy. I think it might be too early and you should still be in some form of Plan A. How to implement Plan A when living separately I a not sure.

The problem with the 180 and Plan B is that if you have not built up recent good “memories” for the WW to remember then the chances are she will be glad for your indifference. Definitely don’t want that.

Have you exposed the affair? What does your MIL say about it?

I am still throwing in a little plan A when possible, but it's difficult. As I have explained we are separated and the conversations are few (mostly child related or some small talk) I see no open doorway at the moment to meet any of her EN's. When I am on the phone I am polite and cheerful with her but thats about it right now.

Last night I was discussing how our son has been treating his sister poorly. She suggested we have lunch Sunday (today) when we have the kids change households for her week and talk to the kids about this. I accepted. Before we met I decided that the kids and I would attend ckurch (it had been a long time) (my WW used to go with the OM and his family and I never attended with them) Anyways I gat dressed up nice and the kids and I had a nice time. We then met her for lunch. She was surprised that I went to church and asked who I went with. Told her just me and the kids. You could tell the wheels were spinning a little in her head. I think it might have showed her that I am ready to move on and not sit and sulk about the situation.(and also that I still "clean up" pretty good!)

Anyways we had a pleasant lunch...lots of smiling on my part and asking her about her work and family. We both did some laughing. NO, I did NOT bring up our relationship, the OM, or any other LB's. She didn't either.

I hope like ****** she really is thinking about things. I guess time will tell. In the mean time I guess I will continue this modified approach. It's the only way I know how to approach the situation right now.

To answer your other ?s...A has been exposed, OMW was in a denial state but she had her suspicions also. I think she really knows in her heart but doesn't want to believe it. (sounds familiar) I have a feeling she'll be watching her WH closely though. I have no way of confirming contact or NC with the OM at this point but I think it is at best over or at least on pause since the exposure.

MIL was trying to talk sense into her daughter for awhile. However the MIL is a former WW that was having an A since she was not "in love" with her former H so her M ended in D. I'm not sure if she is coaching my WW to call it quits since she's not happy (like she did) or if she would suggest that we should try and work things out.

I think lunch is OK. Just make sure she knows you do not condone her lifestyle.

Would talking to your MIL do any good?

Has your WW gone ahead and filed?