Holly, the web site you are referring to is www.Vaughan-Vaughan.com. It's a really good site. It is especially good for people whose spouses were unfaithful. Check it out.<P>Sid

After lurking for the past few days, I found it necessary to comment on this thread. I must say its a keeper. <P>It started out as a very depressing thread; "self-flagellating" as D&C put it. My eyes were filled with tears as I read what several ladies are going through. That kissing stuff is true. I wondered if this is what my wife feels sometimes. Uggh. <P>Just Learning your post was wonderful. Ten months ago, my marriage was in shambles. My wife and I didn't have any type of physical relationship (sex, hugs, kisses). We were no where near being friends. When she dumped on me; I remember looking at her and saying to myself "my God, I don't even know this woman anymore". After wallowing in self pity for a few months, I decided to try and win my wife back while she was deeply involved with her OM. <P>I was met with severe rejection at all corners. Instead of trying to be her husband, I tried to be her friend. And as Just Learning stated, I did that by giving abundantly and unconditionally. <P>I won't go into the long details and I still have a long way to go but let me say this: By giving unconditionally over a long period of time one BIG thing happened to me - I fell head over heals in love with my wife again. It wasn't her giving anything to me, it was me giving to her. She is still heavy in witdrawal and she certainly doesn't share those feelings with me yet, but I believe when she starts giving on her own, those feelings will come. <P>I wasn't in love with my wife when I started this (if I had been, I don't think I would be here today). The most difficult thing for me right now is having such an intense love and desire for my wife while she does not share that feeling. <P>I don't know if "giving abundantly and unconditionally" will work for everyone, but I do know it's worth trying. <P>SHA

This is my first post here. As odd as this may seem, I've drawn some comfort from the posts on this thread. It's a relief to know that withdrawal feelings are so...common. It makes them seem more manageable somehow. <P>Currently, I often find myself vacillating between despair (when I feel little or no passion) and hope (when I feel even slight desire to be with my husband). Maybe this is a sign of recovery?<BR> <BR>I've had several thoughts as I've read these posts. First of all, I remembered reading in Harley's book, How to Survive an Affair, about the need to spend time (hours each day?) doing an activity with your spouse which includes sex, recreational companionship, conversation, and affection. When I begin to despair, it's helpful for me to question whether or not I have done this. <P>Also I think of our need to think of our spouse in a romantic light again. Eros is so blind. I think I need to dwell more blindly on my spouses strong points and make him the hero of my fantasies again. This is almost impossible when I feel resentment toward him. <P>Also, it just isn't FAIR to compare husband/wife with OP. We must learn to separate the experiences/relationships in our minds, knowing that the love/passion for one was no 'better' than it was for the other...does this make sense? <P>The pain of withdrawal tells us that our passion was greater, more mature, or whatever for the OP. Eventually this train of thought makes us view our marriage as some sort of a mistake. That's a lie, and if we keep dwelling on it along with our passion for the OP, we are much more vulnerable to temptation. <P>Heck, if we spend as much time with our spouse as Harley recommends, we won't have time to dwell on OP.<P>Keep pressing on.<P><P>------------------<BR>