Hurting -

Hi there - Just wanted to thank you for your post the other day. I really have been "letting go" lately. It feels much better that way.

Peachy - I like that "man-strual cramps"!!

Hurting - Again, the WH has to blame somebody and it looks like us BS's are the easiest to do that with.

I hope you get the day shift!!

Kim

Hurting - releasing your anger on him is probably exactly what he wants you to do. I know it is hard to keep it all inside.......

Just let it go. Like you told me the other day. Give that anger to God. He will take care of it for you. Release it to Him.

God will deal with your WH.

Stay in Plan B.

Kim

No need for you to blast him...he is doing that himself!!

He is finally feeling the consequences of what HE wanted. Hang on hurting he is a slow learner...gosh, fantasy life isn't all it was cracked up to be!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

oklahoma

i think once in a while we just get fed up with being blamed for everything that's come from thier choices and being told that we're the bad guys.....it builds up and then it spills over....

i like to think that this is the "safe" place to get rid of some of the feelings instead of venting them at my H....which would do lots of harm and no good so what's the point?

right now i'd like to let my H know how i feel about him choosing to walk away from the dogs entirely since he can't have one all the time....but what's it going to accomplish?

it won't change what they do, what they think, or how they feel

hmmmm.....what they do, what they think, how they feel matters to us but they don't feel this way in return....maybe that's what love's all about and why when they are in the fog...they don't "feel, like they love us"

and i agree...sounds like he's just anrgy at the situation and blaming you....same old, same old thing

its going to be really hard not to blast him one.... I am so fed up with all of the blaming and harsh words.

I just want to say damn it your the one who filed this divorce not me.... Did you not think you'd have to pay something? Did you truly think you could walk away scott free? I mean geezzz any moron would know that....

Yeah Confused he is a slow learner alright, so slow we will probably be divorced before he gets it..... One thing for sure fantasy land isn't all that great or I don't think he would be ranting so.... Seems to me if it was that great he wouldn't be arguing anything he would give me what I need and deserve just to rid himself of me....

The man is cracking up I tell ya..... No one in their right mind would carry on like this everytime someone talks to him..... What an alien......

Deep Breaths are in order....He's Right on schedule with the anger....as ugly as it is and difficult to endure, it's exactly where he should be right now!!!

Stay out of his way and let him spin like a top.....

Don't believe ANYTHING he says as truth as to how he really feels or what he really wants...He wants it all to disappear but doesn't have a clue as to how to make that happen...at some point you may have to map that out for him but definately not yet....

Explain to DS that his Dad's life is a bit out of control right now and he is lashing out at the wrong people and he can't make responsible choices, that's what "addiction" does to people. We still love him and are concerned for him and hope he can find his way out of his nightmare....but it's ok not to be involved with it.


Hang tight....DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!!

NO, do not blast him...right now he is grasping at straws, trying to find ANY excuse to blame you for his misery...don't give him any other excuse.

You need to set some rules for your life...

It is WAAAaaay overdue that you are hearing about these rantings from relatives, well-meaners, kids, etc... Let everyone know you don't want to hear anything more about WH, it is hurting your heart too much...only pass along info that is essential, but not the tired old rantings any longer. Suggest to everyone if he does start his rants, to hang up, walk away, not listen...and DEFINITELY don't tell you. You are fighting like the dickens to protect that love you still have, but every story you hear about takes a little of that love away...soon you'll have nothing left...and what if he turns around then, you want some love left to begin reconciliation...

Shugah and Still,

Thank you for responding. You both are right, I know he is spinning out of control. It just makes me so mad he is so mean to everyone. One good thing is he is not ranting to the kids only my MIL and whoever else will listen.

I have told my MIL not to listen to it. My SIL does hang up on him so now I don't think he rants to her much anymore she does not tell me anything which is good. MIL says she is going to start hanging up because she can't take it anymore.

So let me ask you all this , what comes after this anger stage he is in? It is so pathetic and hurting everyone. especially DS because WH just blows him off and does not spend any time with him.

I'm just waiting for the big crash, I hope it comes soon we are all getting so tired of this.....

But not to worry I won't contact him, I will keep my thoughts and the letter I wrote all to myself. But I do know one day it will all come out at him.....

Thanks ,

Hurting

What comes after the anger stage?

Imagine if he has no one else to rant to, who he takes it out on????

He could saty like this forever, doing harm to his sleep, health, R with people around him, and R with OW.

He is going down the drain...it depends on how low he can go before he is humbled and remorseful...

"How low can you go?...How low can you go?..." as the song goes...

I can only speak for what happened in my case...

I saw anger for 2 years while separated...after the D, it was obvious that the A was in it's final death throes (which is apparant in your case), so this combined with the fact that WxH was also broke and homeless made him angrier, the state was breathing down his back for child support....I walked away from him many times at school events, etc....within a couple of months, the anger turned more to a depression type stage, lots of anxiety, remarks about suicide, he didn't know what to do....

At this point I decided to offer some help. Connected him with a family member of his who helped out, offered him financial help, band-aid type stuff...(although I did have him sign an agreement that spelled out re-payment and he had to stain my house!)....at this point I was certain that his search for employment was sincere, he was keeping me informed of his every call, application, etc...and I helped him out with his resume. He visited our family counselor a couple of times and within a short period of time he seemed more hopeful....and as STILLHERE mentioned, "humble and remorseful". I got several down on his knees, tearful apologies for EVERYTHING....

Now some may say that I was too involved with his recovery. Perhaps. It was certainly dangerous ground....But I was sensing that it was the right time to step in, be a lighthouse...and sort of Plan A again. It had been a long 2 years and I was far healthier than he was at this point! Which is why it is so important to get to that place for yourself!!

There were a few setbacks, final contacts with OW(that did not go well), however, we were not really talking relationship for us at this point...but I was clear about how it made me feel and how it was stalling his recovery.

Slowly we began spending time together...meeting for lunch, he came over and cooked for us, and then when our oldest S, whom he was staying with, decided to give up his apt., I offered him a room at the house. I was honest with the kids about it. Why he was there and how we weren't sure what would happen next.

Things just fell together from there. For the first couple of months he was certain he did not want a relationship with me. I learned to back off with the guidance of my counselor. A lot of what he was going through was probably withdrawal and healing in general. He was just not relationship ready.

Almost as soon as I backed off from wanting a relationship, I began to notice a change. And before long he asked if I would like to be "boyfriend & girlfriend". My friends still refer to him as my boyfriend...although we still refer to each other as husband and wife....and now 6 mos. later we are certain that we are in recovery....he is happy and thankful to be home...

Every situation is different in some ways and alike in many others....

So my advice to you....let the man bottom out...you continue to live your life and get healthy....if and when the time comes to show him a path home, you'll know.

See Mortarman's post to carenmc....about needing to help the WS with a plan to come back....they are lost and so not always capable of making a plan....at this point you know more about Infidelity, recovery, etc....you are the educated one....

I think you are doing great...hang in there!

Sugah!

a wonderful post

thank you so much

Here , Here...

I agree with Pep a wonderful post and thank you so much .....



Hurting

Great news ... Next week is my last for night shift. I will be moving to days.... I am so excited, now I can be home at night with DS... Plus I will work more hours during the day. So the paychecks will be better...

Things are looking up ..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Excellent post, Shugah! Thanks!

Hurting, Congratulations on the day shift!! It's good that you will be at home with your son at night. Teenagers STILL need their mothers!

As for your WH's temper tantrums, I'm thinking it's because OW is riding his butt about money...because it takes away from what he can spend on her! He is getting angry and frustrated so he's taking it out on you. It's only a matter of time before he gets tired of her complaining about you getting alimony and sees that her main interest is in his paycheck.

Hang tight and just wait.

Just wanted to drop in to say: STAY STRONG..

I will be gone for a few days...

Try not to be tempted by those EVIL FORCES (your WH and the OW) encouraging you to join them in their drama..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lady,

Thanks for chiming in here, I believe you may be right. I have the feeling OW is behind a lot of this anger. Plus him still trying to convince himself he is right. I am glad to be going to days, just one more week and dS will have me home at night.... He is looking forward to it as well....

Mimi,

Not to worry my friend I am staying out of their way.... I have said nothing and don;t ask questions to anyone... Oh by the way DD got out of jail today, I believe this really made her do some thinking. She gave me a goal list she made while in there. I was really impressed. Plus she made a home contract for herself to start doing more here at home.

And yo uwould be proud of me because she said her dad has called her like 10 times today. All I said was thats nice , I asked no questions, she could tell I didn't want to know anything becaue I walked away... Anyhow you have a nice few days away.

Hurting

P.S.

To all of you who keep telling me to hang in there I appreciate it..... I still haven;t given up, even though he seems to have..... I'm hanging best I can ......

Ok so this morning is not a good morning already. After so many days of feeling good and not freaking out over this I woke up from a dream and feel like crap.

Guess I knew it was to good to be true that the bad days were over.

I guess its just gong to be one of the days the tears will flow and the question of why all this happened will have to be dealt with.

Tomorrow will be a better day.....

(((hurting))), it is early in the day, still plenty of time to have a good day.

Thanks Jean , I know your right. I just hate waking up like this....

I do have some plans today, DS and I are going to get haircuts after school.... I am going for a new look, gonna chop off the long locks and go for something easy and sexy.... WH always like my hair long but now its time to what I want with it..... Heck he don't see me anyway so it really does not matter....

I figure with the huge weight loss and a new haircut I will be a new woman ..... lol

Hurting