Take your pick, just do it. If you can remain calm, do it in person. I went over to OW's house while she was home, knocked on the door, and asked to speak to her husband. I asked him if he had a couple of minutes to step outside. Then I calmly told him what was going on. I told him I wanted to save my marriage, and would like his help.

Jaysmom,

((what if this man thinks i am looney? have i done any good then? ))

You should not worry or stress what the other people think of you. You will do what ever it takes to save the M. You will have to live with yourself the rest of your life and not the other people, so in saying that don't mind what the other people think about you or your actions. You want to know that you have done everything possible to save the marriage so that you don't look back at your life and say I SHOULD HAVE. The person that might think you are a looney might thank you later for saving his marriage.

My WW is still very upset about the exposure to her family. She text me today: BS F...k you! and I never want to see you again. I answered : Thank you but I thing that WW would change her mind to see me again so that we can work on a better marriage. So expect lots and lots of anger. ( It is frightening to think that WW is a small beautiful, loving, caring person but can turn absolutely EVIL).

I might rather send the OWH a letter ( short to the point), If you go face to face you might sound vindictive because OWH will most likely not believe you and you desperation might be interpreted as been vindictive. With a letter he can take time and let it sink in and will most probably contact you when ready.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=2#2744183

Van,

If you value your marriage, I think you have everything to gain. It's surely worth whatever risk you perceive.

You Betcha we do.



Do So! This will add a tremendous amount of pressure on the OW. Possibly even enough to end the A right then and there. Don't count on that happening but that IS one of the possibilities in exposing this.

I am a big fan of BIG exposure. The reason is very simple. A's thrive in darkness / deceipt / dishonesty. Exposure shines a light on that darkness and shows everyone, even the WS's the deceipt and lies of their actions.

What I mean by big exposure is this: Expose to everyone you know as quickely as you can (Your folks, his folks, friends, your family, his family, your workplace, his workplace, etc...). This maximizes the effect of the exposure and sends the WS's realing for cover. DO NOT expose peacemeal. This will give the WS's a chance to "spin" and do "damage control" before you get to the next "round" of exposure. Again, BIG exposure has the maximum effect.

Will the WS be angry with you for this? No. They will be FURIEOUS!. Be prepared for that! They will spew bile and venom that you never thought them capable of. They will scream the big D at you.

While they are ranting at you remember this. Your M can survive WS's temporary anger. It WILL NOT survive an ongoing A. It is necessary to kill the A before you can rebuild your M.



Here's a tip about WS's: They lie, alot. They know what they are doing is wrong and will lie, cheat, etc... whatever then need to do to avoid facing the truth.

I'll warn you of another technique that WS's use: It's called revisionist history. The essence of this is to take any fond family memory, twist it to make it look like they are the victim or YOUR callousness and spit it back at you. You will be amazed / appaled at their "creativity".



Don't Dangle, EXPOSE. The longer you wait to do this the longer her has to prepare his "spin". Don't give them the chance to do damage control.



He woun't stop the affair until the pain of continuing the affair exceeds the pleasure he is getting out of it. Exposure will make it very painful to continue the affair.



He's trying to avoid taking any responsibility for the mess that he and OW have made. You cannot force him to do anything. You have to wait for him to be ready to reconsile the M. Unfortunately, sometimes it's a long wait.



Don't Be! First order of business: Kill the A. Use whatever methods are available to you. BIG exposure is one of your best weapons.



We call this cake eating. He wants the security / title of being a "family man" and still wants to have his "extra" fun with OW. He will continue this behavior indefinately until he is forced to choose one way or another.



Again he does not want to face up to what he has done! He will do anything that he can to avoid this. He is trying to browbeat your into silence / compliance. Do not allow him to do this to you! Set a boundry and do not let him treat you this was. I have seen many cases where the WS used this technique to silence the BS.



Yes!



You just said it all right there. What have you gained? WS has still moved out of the home and is still in the A. You are station keeping right now. You need to move forward. EXPOSE, you have little to loose right now and everything to gain. Kill the A. THEN you can start rebuilding the M.

Stay Strong.

okay guys...i am going today to expose...scared to death...i suppose that is normal.

don't have anything but august phone records...(h got secret phone, i found out #, but then he had it changed again..) and when i called to find out who she was on Dday she lied and gave me what i think is her maiden name..middle initial matched what she gave anyway.

question to anyone...i know he will be angry....although...he says there isn't anything going on wonder what he will use as his reason for his uncontrollable anger all of a sudden...anyway ? how long will he be horribly angry? and to those who have recovered after A's does this bring WH's out of the fog? what brings them back to BS?

Jaysmom I don't think you will regret it. You may immediately feel a rush of relief at having taken the bull by the horns. Some here have said that upon exposing they felt as if they were immediately wrapped in God's arms. Be aware though there are no guarantees. Some hard-headed participants continue their affair after exposing. Depends in part on how much control OWH has over OW. Remember that the battle belongs to God; we can only be true to what we are called to do, the outcome is in his hands.

I wish I knew how long your WH will be angry; every person is different. As long as it takes for him. Could be two weeks, or a month, or more. Doesn't matter, really. If exposure is the only way to bring about NC then you need to expose.

In my case exposure was needed to stop contact. After NC WW came out of the fog in less than a month. The A was short, which may have shortened the withdrawal period a bit. OTOH my WW is unusually strong-willed. After a month of Plan Aing and soaking up her anger and withdrawal from me, I showed her a bit of the same. After that we started on the path to healing.

Good luck. Exposing is hard medicine for both of you, but it is a good way to get on the road to healing.

Only the end of the affair will bring him out of the fog. But exposure will help to end the affair.

He'll be angry for a couple of days.

jaysmom, what it does it ruin the affair so it eventually brings them out of the fog. Sometimes it will end the affair immediately, other times it hastens its death.

As far as exposing to everyone else, I would call them up and tell them about the affair and that you have proof. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage and ask for their support. It is not good enough that they have heard rumors that your H has denied. They must know the facts in order to be a help to you.


And if your H says there is "nothing going on" then he should have nothing to worry about from the OWH." However, you all know better so his denials only make him look silly.

Tell him this while you smile sweetly: "sorry you are so angry, dear, but I will do what it takes to save our marriage. Hope you feel better tomorrow." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE, ACT GUILTY, OR LET HIM BAIT YOU INTO A FIGHT. Just keep saying over and over again: "sorry you feel so badly, dear." SMILE

If you allow him to manipulate you into feeling guilty, he will use that guilt as ammunition against you. So don't go there.

jaysmom, how did it go? What can I do to help you today? Thinking of you and wishing you the very best..

Oh my gosh guys...

i did it...I just wrote to my good friend Mrs. Stowaway on Plan A...if you want to read it about the details.

You guys were right...what a relief. OWH is sooo so nice. A very good christian man.

H wasn't angry when he found out either...and again...details in other thread.

He came home and sat there...still in denial....but very ashamed acting. I was really shocked...i expected him not to speak to me for a while. He just acted like everything should be okay...wanted to play a game with our son and not talk about anything. Even asked me on the phone...do you need anything from walmart...i believe he is completely mental.

Today he went to his BF work to talk to him...(his BF is my BFH) he called her told her H came by and that even with all that he still maintains...he is finished.

Last night he took my "contract" of conditions if he wants to come home, read over it, and kept it. Asked me for SAA book...and said he would think about speaking to our pastor. He followed me around. I aked him to get out several times...but he wouldn't. He just was defensive at times....but very shameful...

My ? is...i know...i shouldn't expect overnight...broken down on his knees...but i expected anger and now i am confused...if he is done with me...why doesn't he tell me...why does he make it look to me like he wants to come home...but tells a different story to BF.

Is it pride? and what do i do next...how do i handle him...avoiding what needs to be talked about...he comes down (staying right next door at his moms) everyday...and just acts like we are best buddies. I can't handle that...i can't pretend this didn't happen.

suggestions...what do i do now...i need him to be broken...i need him to miss and want me.....if he is done...why hasn't he done anything about it? Help...jaysmom

Here is the link to jaysmom's post about her exposure: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2896026

jaysmom, I am so very proud of you for boldly attacking this affair. You have likely killed this affair and now have a chance at saving your marriage.

What I would suggest for now is that you don't chase your H or do anything further to push him away. Let him know that you love him and are willing to forgive him. He will be in withdrawal frm the OW for the next few weeks, so he will need a soft place to land. You need to be that SOFT PLACE.

I would strongly suggest that you stay in touch with the OWH and compare notes to ensure this affair is over. He can be a great ally.

Great job! You have done the best thing to save your marriage AND the OW's.

Now just give it some time. Try to relax a little. It takes a couple of days for everything to sink in.

But you can have the peace of knowing that you did your very best for your marriage and family.

jaysmom, aren't you glad now that you did this? Most folks are always very glad and relieved once they do it.

well guys it has been almost 1 week since exposure. In that time i have tried not to talk to my H or be around him much. i have some questions...i hope someone will help me with.

Okay first of all...my H is next door at his moms. the whole weekend i kept myself and our 3 year old busy. they turned my cell phone off (which H knew they were going to due to bill $1000, the home phone has been off-long story) anyway...he couldn't call 50 times a day like he had been. He has never gotten angry at me...(to me i should say since exposing) but only defensive. anyway...he sends his mother over early sat. and sunday morning to "check on us" he is worried. she said he was very concerned.

both evenings he came to our house, turned the lights on and waited for us to come home. I didn't get in until late and he had already gone back to his moms. then sunday i had to face him....when i do...it's what did you do? where have you been? without seeming tooo concerned. He still has not come clean to me. He still is in denial, somewhat...he said there is NC between the 2 (also talked to OWH and he said he believes NC...i think he is a pushover) I am not sure i believe they are in NC.

He keeps coming down to our house wanting to just "hang Out" but doesn't want to discuss anything. He denied telling his BF he said he was thru with me...saying he never told anyone that...that he hasn't talked about us to anyone...

I don't understand...what is he trying to do? He isn't angry...but acts ashamed when i mention anything...he won't talk about us....at all...not ending our M or fixing, but he wants to come and hang with us and act like we are best friends...

this is driving me crazy! any suggestions on what i should do? NC will be hard as we are living next door and have a 3 year old.

Need advice....

Plan A is where you need to be right now. Why are you attempting NC with him?

You can be showing him what a great wife you can be.

Sounds to me like he needs another nudge. Melody gave you the exposure list above. Have you exposed to everyone on that list?

believer...just a little more info..

my H left me in August..because i caught him talking to OW on cell phone. the day i found out i called ...she lied to me about last name (gave maiden)...she claimed they were only friends...but my H left me and our 3 year old because of it.

anyway...been in Plan A since Sept./exposed to everyone then that he left because of OW...but i didn't know who she was. Only in the last 3 weeks did i find out for sure and find OWH...etc. my H has known that i knew he left for OW...and he continued and continues to deny that she exists...even on D-day....he has never made mention, even with phone records...even though i called OW that day in front of him....

so since i exposed i have exposed him yet again to the above list with the facts of who, what, when and where....his mother is basically still letting him continue the denial...and he doesn't have contact with anyone else really...

anyway...so should i still continue in Plan A? He just recently started on ADs (my H suffers from severe depression and hasn't been on meds until my urging recently...that is what led to A...i am sure of it) Should i wait a while for ADs to kick in? any other suggestions?

jaysmom, I think you should stay in Plan A a while longer as he withdraws from the OW. Try to discuss the problem with him. You don't need to ask him if he had an affair, just tell him you know and that pretending like you don't know what you both know is true will not help anything.

But, you should make sure he understands that you will forgive him if he ends his affair.

If he doesn't want to work on the marriage, then there isn't much you can

I vote for Plan A. He must feel unsafe telling you. He may feel that you would ask him to leave. Or maybe he just lies like they all do.

Anyway, with exposure done, and him on anti-D's I would give it a shot.

Its been 2 weeks since i exposed and i need some help guys. i keep up with Mrs. Stowaway every day in Plan A, but i am having a rough day today and need advice.

found out yesterday that H and OW still in contact...which i expected. I feel like the exposure failed. I called OWH yesterday and although he is nice he basically asked me not to contact him anymore...that they were fine...my H and OW not in contact blah...blah.

He was very nice and kind...i told him about the info i had, basically he is sticking his head in the sand.

she obviously doesn't want to lose her H and my H comes to see us daily. I need boundaries...i need suggestions. help.

He still has not confessed to anything...He is still seeing her...and she has her H snowed.

He will not end our M. He wants to keep me...and OW, even though he knows...she isn't planning on leaving her H.

what is in it for my H? he sacrificed (sort of) his family for her...but she hasn't for him.

any advice?