I sent this letter last night to him - hoping to explain why I need to go no contact for awhile - he said I didn't explain it yesterday - so I thought one more try. He is always telling me to talk about me - my feelings, my understandings. Stop talking about we, or asking him but to tell him about Me where I am, etc. So I tried to do that.


Bill - please don't be angry with me for contacting you. Since I obviously did a poor job this morning I thought I would try to explain - be more thorough.

After our meeting last night I came home and tried to sleep. I tossed and turned rethinking everything I said, you said and then your hurt. I knew at that point that I had to do something to stop the sometimes senseless hurting we are doing to each other. This is not helping either one of us - It is pushing us farther and farther away from each other. And it's bringing the pain home to the kids. They don't like to see me cry. They wish you were home. And I HAVE to get my head on straighter for their sakes right now. They don't understand. Derek still thinks you are coming home, Scott wishes it - and actually made up a story tonight saying that you had said once we go to marriage counseling and get help that you'll be able to come home. When I asked him about it again - he admitted that you hadn't said it - he just wanted me to feel better.

Dr. *** recommended no contact and now I see why. We are destroying our marriage with every look and every word. Tearing each other apart. I feel more and more that you are attempting to hurt and inflict pain upon me - I don't understand why. Your yelling - and yes you have been yelling, your belittling, your taunting about Gadsden, your hurtful words are destroying my spirit - the part of me that still loves deeply and cares for many people. I can't let you do that - I HAVE TO HOLD ONTO THAT!

My suggestion was this - no contact until we see Dr. ******. We can do that - it will give us some much needed emotional and physical rest. And allow me to decide what I really want - because I am a part of this. This is not just Bill's marriage, it's BILL AND JAN'S. You have been calling all the shots for the last month - well I get to decide to. And honestly - I will not give up hope yet. But I will find a way to live my life joyfully and happily while working through the issues. That is my hope with Dr. ******. I have said it before - let's give her the opportunity to help us work through those things that are tearing us apart - and if when we get done we have a better understanding of each other and finally can communicate, then we decide what to do next. But no lawyers, no papers, no more talk of divorce. No more talk about "we", "marriage", or promises kept or broken. No more selfish demands, or angry judgments - lets just treat each other with care and respect for awhile.

But no contact - please let me have some emotional peace - I beg you, any more pushing and I will end up in a very bad place. Just let me figure out one day at a time, how to get up, clean my house, etc. Please stop railroading me - you are pushing me into despair and darkness. Your letter from today was hard, hurtful and unnecessary - except that perhaps you really did want to hurt me some more. Please take some time and look at yourself - why must you destroy the love I still hold for you. Or is it me you are trying to destroy.

I love you, I forgive you, and I hope that someday you will understand me -
Jan

Jan,

Stop apologizing to him. You are playing into his hands that way. Don't ask him to do anything. Just go dark and take care of yourself. It's no wonder you are an emotional mess after trying to deal with this guy for years. I've never seen such a self-absorbed jerk in my life. I'm sorry to badmouth your H, but he is a total a$$. You need some time away from him, because he is obviously trying to manipulate you and my guess is that he is TRYING to force you into a nervous breakdown or get you to committ suicide or something. He is dangerous to your well-being if you take him seriously at all.

He obviously doesn't care anything about you or what happens to you. He's trying to push you over the edge. Something isn't right with this guy. Protect yourself. If I were you, I'd be talking to a lawyer ASAP about LS. Keep your eyes open. If you don't react to your H's attempts at manipulating you into a breakdown, he'll probably kick it up a notch. When you asked him for NC, he sent that moronic letter and your collapse is just what he wanted. It's time you started thinking on your own and that you take your H's power away over you. Your H is bad news.

I think that Jan is under her H's EMOTIONAL CONTROL and us just TELLING her to STOP is not going to work..

She does need to stay away from him..go dark..but she is SOOO weak that she is finding it difficult to do..

Jan is reaching out to us..BUT...

JAN ARE YOU LISTENING?

We suggested that you FOCUS ON YOURSELF...

DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING THAT HE HAS TO SAY..IN PERSON..OR IN HIS LETTERS....

When I recommended PLAN A, I'm referring to the aspects of the PLAN that call for you creating BOUNDARIES and LIMITS for yourself..WORKING ON YOURSELF..not for MB, per se but for GAINING SELF-RESPECT....

For whatever reason, talking to your H now is like talking to a BRICK WALL..

Jan, we want to help you here if you will let us...

Oh Jan. I am so sorry your WH is such an a**. Ditto what Cherished said.

It is so odd. Your situation and mine are so similar. My husband has said much of the same. I am also in school full time and work full time at a hospital.

I am so sorry you are hurting. I am glad you are going to do for yourself. I am trying to do that too. Take Care.

OK everyone - I am alright. I got up, took m,y kids to daycare, went grocery shopping, and now I am home to put away Christmas decorations and start getting my home organized. It needs it badly.

For what ever reason - my WH is who he is. Never saw this side of him before - maybe I brought it in him. Or maybe his EA just got the best of him. But he's not the same man I loved. And I say loved - because I can't love the man he is right now. I don't know him and in reality - he gets a 10 on my jerk-0-meter!

So I ran into him at the coffee shop this morning - I was a little shocked - he smiled at me - said sorry to interrupt your morning - turned and left. I got in my care and drove away - I will be fine. Today the hurt is easier to deal with - I am sure it's not gone. But the reality is - this isn't my fault - I want more, better, happier than I've had.

Thank you for all your support - I am listening and right now - you are the only ones that listen to me!

Jan- he's manipulating you. YOU ARE A GAME TO HIM. Who else but his devoted wife will feed his ego?Your continued presence in his life after his selfishness has only validated his self importance. When you cut that off from him, he's going to get a picture of the real him, the real world, and will realize what he does have to lose.

After reading this man's sermons, I know its going to a long, long time for him 'to get it.'

Your plan B letter was not done very well. It was FILLED with disrespectful judgements and lovebusters. I really, really wish you would allow us to help you by listening. I know you are on automatic pilot right now and you are honestly *trying*, but you are running on emotion and not making more helpful choices.

NO MORE CONTACT WITH YOUR WH. NONE. Don't say "Oh, I messed up that plan B letter, I think I will send another!"

There is absolutely no way you can expect to set up boundaries for your husband when you are unable to set them up for yourself. You need to REFOCUS-- on getting stronger for YOURSELF. Because eve if your WH had a miracle vision and came home right this minute, you would be a huge mess and absolutely NO HELP to your marriage.

Heal yourself and you will absolutely guarantee a better future.

"Sorry to interrupt your morning..." Cute. He plays the martyr very well too huh?

Look, Jan. The guy is so self-centered, there’s no sense in talking to him right now. Maybe he’s been that way all along, as you say, or maybe it’s something new but it doesn’t matter right now. No, you didn’t bring it on. I have a feeling he’s wanted to retire from the cold, cruel world called reality for a while. He’s too entrenched in it for it to be something of recent invention.

Every time you apologize to him for something--anything--you’re only feeding his ego and reinforcing his belief in this crazy world he’s building around himself. Quit doing that. I know you have the urge to communicate, to get through to him. You’ve got this feeling a certain phrase…if only you can find it…will make your feelings come alive in his mind, but it isn’t going to happen. You see that this morning in the way he interpreted your latest letter. Is there a way he could have skewed your words any FURTHER into the twilight zone? At the moment, he’s living a fantasy where everything he says is witty and intensely profound. There's no way he's going to see it's all drivel.

You can’t react to what he says, Jan. There’s nothing of substance to reply to. He’s busy setting up his fantasy world right now. It’ll collapse soon enough but, until it does, there’s no one home behind those eyes.

Here’s what I think. Go dark. Figure out whether you’re in Plan A or Plan B and work on it. Personally, I think you’re in Plan B. I don’t know how you can Plan A someone who’s delusional, but it’s for you to decide. Center yourself in your world and, for a time, accept that you are living just for you and the kids. When you have these urges to “get through” to him, run around the block until you’re dizzy, read a Tom Clancy book with lots of concrete action, do some heavy housework (note to self: living room needs vacuuming today), call your sister and talk about anything under the sun save your husband, roughhouse with the kids…do anything EXCEPT write him another letter, call him, or contact him in any way, okay?

I still suggest you contact an attorney…if for nothing else do it “just in case.” Money, spousal support, child support--none of these mean much in hubby’s fantasy world but a judge pounding a gavel on a sounding block can punch a hole in the biggest bubble, and fast too. Protect yourself and your kids. That’s all there is for right now.

Best wishes to you, lady.

TOM CLANCY!! He's my favorite author!!

Longhorn and Mojo -

I am truly doing better this morning - really. I will have no more contact with him or from him. Believe me - I don't want this man - not the man he is currently. I wish I could introduce you to the one I knew - because he was a sensitive, caring, respectful, loving man and father. He was my best friend, my first and last thought everyday. He can be so gentle and compassionate, and whitty, and fun.

But this man - I don't know him. And if that is truly who he is now - I don't want him in my life right now - he will hold me down.

Thanks - now I think I'll go find one of my favorite TOM CLANCY books and read!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tom Clancy and Louis L'Amour are my favorite authors, simply because both are natural story tellers.

Excuse me, I have to go vacuum the livingroom now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Vacuum away - don't suppose you know anyone who could vacuum my WHOLE house?

Jan,

It does sound like you're getting stronger. Just remember this when you are tempted to cave in and talk with your H... He obviously knows you very well and he knows how you'll react when he plays mind games with you. He wrote you that email, called you at work asking you to read it there, knowing exactly what would happen. He set you up. He had to want to publicly humiliate you and have you break down at work. Why? If he just wants to go on with his life and become a brilliant writer, why would he be trying to destroy you?

You can't let him do that to you--for yourself or for your kids. Try to step back and analyze his actions as objectively as you can. And from the way that he's acting, my guess is that when you truly do back away from him and you don't respond to his ploys to derail you, he'll go nuts. Be prepared for all kinds of crazy behavior from him when he tries to push you around and press your buttons and he gets no response.

I don't think you need to write a Plan B letter yet. You have to thoroughly understand what Plan B means first and you are so shell-shocked, it's going to take some time to absorb the MB concepts and to be in a place where it's clear to you what action you need to take. I think your problem right now, is that your H has placed in you in a horrible position and you are reacting without taking the time to think things through. I don't think it's a good idea to write a Plan B letter and then break Plan B. You need to be ready to stick with it when you do it.

The first thing you need to do is to protect yourself and your kids financially. Your H has shown in the past that he is irresponsible financially and very selfish in spending money on himself to the detriment of your family. Now that he's so completely self-centered, the last thing on his mind will probably be child support. If he's a funeral director, he's making plenty of money, so make sure that your kids are taken care of.

The most important thing is that you have to start believing in yourself and become strong and sure of yourself. You've got to rebuild what your H has been allowed to destroy. You can do it, but it's going to be hard. And you can't do it with your H constantly undermining you.

Lay low, and take care of yourself and your kids. As shakey as you have been, you seem very resilient and you're already finding that you're stronger than you thought. Your strength will build as you set boundaries and stick with them. You'll feel proud of yourself and you'll take away the power that your H is holding over you.

Spoke with OW - last night

DOn't know what I wanted to call her, just wanted to close the loop I guess. I ahve spoken to her on and off many times and she has always been consitent with me. Yesterday she told me a few things

1. Her DH demanded NC between WH and her. She has complied saying that the last contact she had was before Christmas. And she has no idea who he was talking to on Christmas morning. ANd when I asked WH then - he told me it was none of my business.

2. Her DH bought her a beautiful pearl necklace for Christmas - she actually got choked up when she told me - he's never done something so personal or expensive.

3. She apologized for the phone call she made when we were in our therapy appt.

4. She also told me that nothing happenend between WH and her when he came for his visit 2 weeks before Christmas. Even though WH has been letting me think that something did happen "It's none of your business what happened and I will not feel any remorse, guilt, nor will I ever apologize".
She told me that he told her about my questions and his response and she was furious because it implied that something did happenend. She did not like being placed in that situation - as a tool to hurt me.

5. She is deeply disappointed in him - becasue he is treating me so horribly. She no longer wants to be a part of his life.

6. She has always ascertained that her relationship with him has been a deep friendship - she never intended to leave her DH, or family, and certainly did not ant to be in the middle of our marriage. She clearly stated that she no longer wants to be apart of his life. And certainly not as a support person for him as he dumps on me.

7. She has told him on several different occasions that I am an incredible woman for loving him this much and putting up with him for 20 years.

8. We agreed that no more contact was needed and I won't be calling her again - ever.

SO there are people who will think I am a fool to believe anything she says. But you don't know her - she talked me out of committing suicide 2 years ago, she has supported me through ******, and I have found her to always be honest. I go with my gut on this one.

She is remorseful that her friendship with him has contributed to our marital collapse.

Thanks Grownup - very good words that hit home for me. I am stronger today! Something changed in me - and I know I will be OK.

Well - he's gone -

I mean really gone. Couldn't take the four walls of his apartment. Mom doesn't know where he went but he is emotionally and physically exhasted she said. He needed a break - so he went away for a few days.

I am ANGRY - he took off - didn't tell me, didn't tell the kids. How do I explain to my sons that the weekend they had planned to spend at Daddy's isn't going to happen? I have the three of them all weekend now -

What about me - I am exhausted. I am sick to death about our finances - since he's been spending up a storm on his little affair. I have to pay a bunch of bills and I don't know where the money is coming from. I have the whole house to clean, laundry to do, Christmas decorations to take down, three kids who want there daddy to come home. I NEED A BREAK!!! But no - he runs off and leaves me holding the bag.

ANd when I tried to call him to check on what time he was picking up the kids tomorrow he didn't answer. Instead he checked his voice mail and called his mother. Asked her to tell me that he was unreachable this weekend and he had "forgotten" about taking the kids.

I am so ready for an attorney now -

Isn't he probably with the OW?

The pattern feels familiar to me...

Actually no - when I asked mom if he went to see her in TN she said no, I am sure not.

She just said that after the emotional last few days he just had to get away.

Is Mom his Mom?

How can she know for sure?

Yes - it is his mom. She said he drove did not fly.

I also know that if he showed up in TN OW DH would not be happy.

Do you know where the OW is right this minute?

She could have told her H some sort of lie.

actually I do not know - and if I call her DH I break a promise I made to their family to let them go in peace.