Jan:

Did you ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf? Ofcourse you did.

Somehow, someway, I am afraid that you'll be back here in 24 hours asking abotu some "insight" into what your WH SAID...and looking for ways to continue this way of life.

I understand and don't necessarily blame you...IT IS ALL YOU KNOW.

You are without a doubt only "functional" when you are living in dysfunction with your Husband. I know this is your 4th attempt at recovery...but I really have a very very hard time belieiving that the previous 15 out of 19 years (or whatever the number is) were "blissful".

I think you are no doubt fed up....FOR TONIGHT.....but I think sadly you may need to hit "rock" bottom yourself before you stop the INSANITY.

You wanted "insight" I am giving you some.

When you STOP making decisions based on what your WH has SAID then maybe I will take you a bit seriously.

Yeah, this may be "harsh".but you asked for insight...not "marriage" advice.

You NO DOUBT would/will get a completely different response from others who may believe that your WH actions are based on an "addiction" to the OW.....maybe ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)....you should realize that...there are others who don't believe in the concept of "co-dependency" (for which you are undoubtedly a practioner of) and will actually argue FOR that in a marriage.....I am not saying that is "right" or "wrong"...just stating what has been said.

You say you are not here to "save your marriage"...but only less than 5 days ago, you were in counseling were you not? Was this decision of being "done" with the marriage a culmination of things or just the latest reaction (yet again) to something that the Wayward SAID or DID?

Be honest with yourself here.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem - for the first time in a long time I am being honest with myself.

Jan

Sorry to see he's written another email, Jan. There's a saying among enlisted folks in the military that goes something like, "same s**t, different day." In some ways, I think that describes your husband and his emails.

I compared this latest missive with the earlier one and I read the same things in both. It seems to me he is turning into the consummate self-centered individual. He wants no responsibilities to you at and doesn't want anything from you either. Much less does he want to hear about your needs, ideas, and aspirations. I don’t know how he's doing with the children right now, but I’ll bet he’s agreeable to providing financial support but he’ll be increasingly unwilling to be there emotionally for them. Maybe not. I hope he’ll stay focused in that area, but I wouldn't bet on it.

For you, I’m glad to see you getting stronger all the time. You may have been a little “co-dependent” for a time but, if so, you’re coming out of that nicely. Lemon has a good point, in that you need to stop reacting to every new communication from your straying husband. Don’t try to read something into each new half-smile, a kind word here and there, the odd phrase in an email. The hidden meaning isn't there. Your husband knows you very well and he knows what words to use to push your buttons. It’s working. Every time he sends you one of these emails, you want to respond and make things better. "It ain’t gonna happen," to quote Grandma. (Grandma sometimes got in a mood to kick a** and take names. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Jan, for right now, there IS no making things better with this man. It isn’t going to happen. You know what? You should not call him and try to discuss the latest email. It does no good to debate things with him because logic is an alien concept to him right now. He’s set in his new world that has no uncomfortable responsibilities to distract him and he’s enjoying the heck out of it.

The condition may be temporary. Let’s hope so, but while he’s still able to jerk on your strings every so often, he’s not going to get better. Being able to do that confirms him in his delusions.

Jan, if you’re going to do Plan B, and I accept your decision to implement it, read up on it and go dark. Don’t even read those emails except to determine if they’re about the children or a commitment to come home and work on the marriage a thousand percent.

Emails on other subjects are only going to be hurtful and you’re in Plan B to protect yourself and your children. I know, you have to communicate some to coordinate visitation with the children, but you can be very brisk and businesslike in those communications. Until he’s ready to work on the relationship, he should be on the outside looking in. When he sees what he’s given up, then (and only then) he’ll have the motivation to turn himself around. Hang tough, lady. We’re rooting for ya.

Plan B -

I need to read up on this and get one drafted. The problem is - my WH nows all about Plan B. He read SAA last time around. And he even disdainfully said - why bother - I don't fit into Dr. Harley's model - I am unique. And Plan B would never work fo rme - it's not about the OW - I am leaving because this is what I want. This is what I need to be happy.


But i'll check it out. I am doing better. I have days that are wonderful - like nothing is wrong in my world. And then I have days like today where the world just crashes in. But now I am home, my kids are finishing homework and I can relax. WH was here checking on DD who was home with a fever. He stayed in the living room and did not leave with anything. He has been slowly taking things out. He has usually emailed me or text messaged me when he has removed something. It is only his things but it tears me apart to find familiar objects missing.

Really Wierd Day -

Had an appt. to see attorney this morning {Thurs}. Whan WH returned from business trip on Wed. I told him I was seeing an attorney. He had said he was gong to see one - wanted to get some preliminary info. So I responded by making an appt with the one I had chosen.

I was upset when he came over to pick up DD for school, told him I was not looking forward to the appt, wished I didn't have to go through with it. He asked why I was pushing to go, he was only going to gather some info, and I already seemed to know more than he did.

SO he left and I took the boys to school. He called my cell and I answered and we began talking. I got extremely upset. And he wanted to know where I was so he could come pick me up and take me home - didn't want me driving. He did and we talked for about an hour at home. My appt. was for 10:30. So at 9:40 I said I should take him back to his car, and I needed to be on my way. He started talking, and I started listening. I mentioned a few times that i needed to go, he then said - I know I am going to make you late. And yet - he didn't want to let me go. He kept talking, and then finally it was too late - and I missed it (I called and rescheduled it) but still - wierd.

We ended up talking for three hours - and i listened, he listened. And it was strange.

He called again last night, although then he started asking me about my plans for the weekend since I had asked him to take the kids all weekend. I just really needed a break. But I had been tempted to get away for a little while (read my other post - about temptation! for more info). And he got upset with me.

It's just all wierd.

U r meeting the WS' need. Now why should he inconvience himself and change t/being a good H when he can get you to do stuff for him as a WS? Feel used?!?!?

L.

Hi Jan,

You seem to be taking Lem's comments in stride, so I'm going to be honest with you too... 2x4 - incomming!


Not a single thing about this is wierd. It was 100% predictable. He played you like a fiddle. Nothing changed. I cant believe you actually fell for it. He's getting his jollys off on you, and he wants to keep you hanging. And he did. You must get something from this drama or you would not continue to subject yourself to such disrespect. Dont you find the timing hugely suspicious? Nothing he said could not have waited a few hours.

You have got to get a big picture plan of your life in your head and stay focused. You'll be so damaged after this man is through with you that you'll spend the next decade getting your head straight or you'll end up with another bad choice. It pains me to see you in this situation that is so avoidable. Please take care of yourself!!! - Dru

Another 2X4....

As long as he doesn't choose to contact you, you start doing a little better, feeling a little stronger. But as soon as he decides to contact you again, you fall apart, he has to come rescue you and he plays his games. He shows himself, once again, that you are putty in his hands. He can get you to have a meltdown, miss appointments that you need to keep in order to have just a bit of control over your life, do as he pleases with your emotions and your actions. You are a puppet, he pulls the strings.

You won't make any progress at all, until you call the shots in your life and stop reacting to every little thing he does or says. You completely reinforced to him that you are weak and he can do anything he wants with you.

You have to see this and do something about it or you'll never get past it.