If she does it anyway then you may have to file immediately so you should have your lawyer picked out and ready. In the alternative, you play nice and get "visitation" and bring them back home and make her file to get them back.

Mr. W

That is also a reason to tape your interactions with your WW as you confront this issue head on. It is not beyond a desparate wayward wife to trump up abuse charges to conjure up a way to take the kids with her.

A friend of mine had his wife beat herself up and call the cops. Luckily she was wigged out on prescription pills he could show the cops and he had marks all over him from her but his hands and knuckles were clean. They bought his story and committed her. I am sure there are other stories that didn't work out this way. BE CAREFUL.

Mr. W

The FIRST thing you need to do is to decide up front what your goals are.

Do you want to end your marriage with her?

Or do you want to attempt to reconcile?

You can begin planning for both possibilities, but there quickly reaches a point where you have to change your tactics based on your goals. And personally I think you're already at that point now.

You have sufficient evidence for exposure...IF YOU WANT TO WORK ON RECONCILIATION. What you have is undeniable, and it sounds as though there is very little your wife can do to refute it or try to make it seem like something else.

But...if your goal is divorce, then you're going to have to take a different tack.

This site is about rebuilding the marriage. I don't have any good advice for you on the divorce route...never been there myself, though I've heard the view isn't very good.

My advice to you is predominately based on reconciliation. If that is your goal, then you need to finish planning accordingly. MB outlines some pretty good methods for rebuilding your marriage. This information, coupled with your own knowledge of your situation, your wife, etc... is what you need to make your 'battle plan'. And every good battle plan is three-tiered. You make your initial plan...then review your plan and create countermeasures against your enemy based on their likely responses to your plan...and then go back and do it one more time based on how they're going to respond to YOUR changes in the plan.

Like playing chess or shooting pool...make this move, but plan 3-5 moves ahead.

But...as I said at the beginning...it's time for you to CHOOSE what you want your future to look like.

lostherlove68
A couple of quick thoughts. Could it be that OM views their R as "complicated" BECAUSE HE HASN'T SEPERATED FROM HIS W?
We've seen this to be the case sooooo many times on these boards.. That would be a real lightbulb moment for your WW don't you think? That's why exposure to OMW is frequently so important. She may no nothing about what OM is doing and living daily with him!
Also, be prepared after exposure to hear the one line that all WW say after exposure(My favorite BTW)"I WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN". Let that statement sink in for a while, geeesh.
All Blessings,
Jerry

She cannot take them...but I advise that YOU had better have a plan if she leaves. A plan for the kids and how YOU will take care of them. The infidel is an addict and may leave, as my wife did, without the kids. They need their fix. But they will come back later on for what they think they deserve.

So, prepare for her to try to walk away with the kids. You DO NOT allow that! Contact an attorney and prepare to file for temporary custody if she does. That is your kids' home and she cannot remove them from it without an agreement. She is free to leave, they are not. But again, get yoru attorney prepared...and on your battle plan.

Protect the kids first. Even over and above trying to save the marriage. Before you expose, have your plan ready for taking care of the kids and your legal plan. So, when she tries to take off...you are well prepared to battle that.

On exposure...

You have been given good advice. Sure they will TRY to band together to fight this "attack" on their little love affair (blech!!). But the light of day will only make it worse. expose to everyone that has relevence in their life. Let those people know that you do love your wife and want to save the marriage...for you, your wife and especially for your two small children.

Your wife may not leave, but want to go and see OM when she can. Once you expose, then you dont allow that. How? Well, because a few times, when you know she is going to see him, you show up. Nothing worse to kill the libido of a guy to know that a jilted husband is outside the door. Let your wife know that you will know everytime they hook up, and will be recording and documenting their activities. Dont tell her HOW you will do that. Just say that her illegal and immoral behavior will not be condoned.

It wil ltake awhile and she will be angry. But all is not lost. Look at P47d's thread. Just today, hsi wife finally broke. She had just moved out. She had been angry and so sure she wanted it over with. One axiom that you will need to learn here is that WSs have NO CLUE about what they are doing or what they want!!

Good luck!. Get the PI stuff for court (you dont need it for exposure...you have enough evidence for that). Then expose. Have your battle plans ready.

This isnt the beginning of the end of this mess. But exposure is the end of the beginning.

In His arms.

Good morning,
I didn't get any good intel from my recorder being in the house yesterday so I don't know when WW next plans to meet OM. I can guess though. WWs time of the month just started so I wonder if that will stop her from going to see OM. Anybody have any insights on this? Maybe she'll take him baked goods or something. Friends I trust at work told me I should get temporary custody papers done by atty. before I tell WW what I know. Any thoughts on this? Also, a friend gave me some Xanax in case I get even more nuts. Anybody know what this does? I haven't taken anything like this ever and hardly ever take any kind of medication.
68

I had these thoughts and wrote them in my last post. Check it out.

In His arms.

Thanks MM,
I think that's the way I'll go. I also like what you've written about faith and Jesus on other threads. Without Him this would be unbearable.
68

Mortarman,
Here's here's a first draft of my plan. I'm seeing an atty. tomorrow to get him primed to file temp. custody order in case WW tries to bolt with kids in tow. Thursday should be a visit the OM day for WW so I'll borrow a friend's car and stake our his house (the love-nest I presume ). A buddy reverse tracked his cell phone # to get an address. After I have pictures of her car at OMs house with a time stamp, that pretty much nixes plausible deniability for her.
D-Day plan: Probably do it this weekend. Friday night if all goes well. That gives me some time to start arranging child care if she leaves without them. I will tell her I know what she's been up to with OM and give her enough specifics to prove I know but not reveal my sources. Then I will tell her I love her and want to repair the damage done to our marriage for myself, WW and our children. If WW agrees to break it off with OM immediately and forever, I won't expose to anyone else now. My parents and sister already know most of the ugly stuff. Maybe I shouldn't have told them but I was going nuts. She'll guess they know anyway once she knows I do. If she tells me to go pound sand and runs off to be with OM I'll fully expose to her parents and brother first. Next on the list is OMs wife. Then OMs mom and dad. After that I might call OM and tell him I want to fix my marriage and does he want things to get really complicated. His kiddos and custody issues with his STBXW may rattle his cage. If WW is still defiant after all this and refuses to quit seeing OM, I will contact good friends from church and social organizations she is involved with. WW is something of a respected community leader around here. I don't want to poison her life but it is really her atrocious life choices that have led to this.
MM, Mr.&Mrs. W., Owl, JL, and anyone else please vet this plan and make any suggestions for improvements. I really appreciate the advice I have been getting here.
68

The good friends at church and other organizations sounds a bit vindictive. A good friend or two from solid marriages that may offer support and encouragement to her to stay in the marriage may be effective but not everybody. Only those that can help. Don't tell teachers or anyone not involved. You may reach out for sympathy but that is not going to help you.

Rest of plan sounds good.

Mr. W

Mr. W,
Thanks for the correction. Right now I'm feeling super vindictive! I know it won't help though. Maybe I shouldn't listen to any more affair details. Need the intel, though.
68

bump

I've been advised strongly to wait until after I've talked to atty. AND the PI before I reveal any knowledge of A to WW. The reasoning was that the stuff PI gathers is admissible in court and my private snooping is not. If I reveal to WW that I know things she may change her patterns and make it more difficult/expensive for the PI in the event things go toward a D (she files). I don't have PI lined up yet. Nobody seems to want the case. Personal feelings are for wanting to get the A out on the table so WW can react one way or the other. Right now she gets to keep seeing OM unmolested by me. Any thoughts?
68

You are correct! I got what I needed out of the PI before I exposed. But you need to get this PI working ASAP! The longer you take, the longer this will continue.

As Mr. W stated, be careful in your exposure. Family is okay. Friends directly related to the situation or who may help is okay. Your pastor is okay, as it will be him that will begin to enforce church discipline on your wife.

But telling EVERYONE is not okay. The point is to shed light on the affair and to have people that will help apply pressure on it. Just telling eveyone doesnt lead to that.

The rest of your plan is good. But you need to get moving.

In His arms.

In His arms.

Get the attorney at the same time you are seeking a P.I. and see what your attorney says about admissability. I don't necessarily agree that all your private snooping is inadmissable. Also, even if it is inadmissable per se your wife can not LIE at the deposition and say she never had an affair or sex with OM...your private recordings would be admissable to refute her perjured testimony, whether in court or at the depositions.

Mr. Wondering

Aphelion has an interesting post in Graycloud's thread on "violence." You might find it informative if you haven't already seen it, Lost.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2907709

In Virginia, it is inadmissable. But, yo uare right. It is admissable to refute perjury.

In His arms.

After work this evening I borrowed a car and drove by OMs supposed address. Paydirt! The car they refer to was in his driveway. Little house with three SUVS in the drive. Probably three chucked out husbands splitting expenses and having a place to bring girlfriends. I lined up a PI. I'm meeting her tomorrow to discuss specifics and give her a retainer. She thinks this coming Tues. will be a good day to bust WW because she'll be going nuts from being in the house with me on the weekend, plus she has both kids all day Monday for MLK day. She'll be primed for some quality OM time. Got the recorder out of her car. Pretty garbled mess. She had the windows down. She picked up OM somewhere and went shopping with him. They discussed colors for a comforter for his bed. She's been bugging him to buy a new one. Welcome to my world.
I got an atty. today. He's the one who put me in touch with the PI. The atty says once PI is done I can talk to WW. If she bolt with kids he will file temporary custody for me. If WW refuses to stop seeing OM and stays in the house, atty says he can sue OM for alienation of marital affection. Essentially demanding the guy to pay me for all the sex he's been getting from my wife! I like this a lot. It's funny and might rattle OMs cage if he's financially strapped. Maybe WW won't look so hot to him anymore and he'll bail. I continue to plan and plot. All advice from this board is greatly appreciated. Xanax rules! And I don't take drugs.
68

Update:
I met with PI this morning. She has all the information I have gathered on A and OM and will set up surveillance at OMs house. She's also going to call around to figure out his work schedule. She says that it shouldn't take long too get video of her car at his house. Might even get public display of affection if she goes somewhere with OM. That is supposed to carry a lot of weight with judges. PI says she can bug the OM for me if necessary. Knock on his door and let him know he's been under surveillance for his illicit affair with a married woman and is being sued for alienation of affection. What do you folks think of this idea if WW refuses to break it off with OM? I'm not nearly there yet, this is hypothetical at this point. I'm also interested in what exactly I should say to WW on D-day.
68

Hi, Lost, I’m glad to see you're being proactive about this. Things never get better if they're ignored. They only fester and get more toxic.

I'm curious about the PI's statement about suing for alienation of affection because most states do not have that provision in the statutes anymore. Please run that by your attorney before you make any plans with it. I don’t know where you live or I’d check it myself. The information is online and I’ve located it before with a simple Google search.

As to what you do if your WW refuses to break it off with the OM…that’s an intensely personal decision. If you decide you have enough love left for your wife to work hard on a Plan A…perhaps a Plan B if that doesn’t work…then you have our support and the experts out here will help you through each step.

Sometimes, though, those plans won’t work. In these instances, I think what you need to do first is to protect your children from the whole mess. I’ve been sitting here trying to add to that, but I can’t find anything that actually would add any meaning. My thoughts are with you. Good luck.