Hi SM - these babies sure do wake us up early don't they?? I love my mornings with her, though!!!

I would like very much to keep in touch with you. It is a daunting task on MB though - having to jump from post to post.

I am sorry that the divorce process has even started for you. I read your thread from the beginning and I was routing for you guys the whole way...

I am routing for my and my husband as well, but there are times I get so mad I say I never want him - that piece of sh*t, liar, jerk, in my life.

Having an amazing child with an idiot of a man is not help either because it would be so much easier to just move on, but we have this cutie pie of a baby that will forever bond he and I together - not sure I really want to see him all the darn time.

Anyway - I am totally babbling right now - not enough coffee yet!!!
Have a great New Years - hope to hear from you soon!!!
Alison

Okay, woke up this morning with ton on my mind. H says he feels marriage has a 50/50 shot at working out. He has he says he has a lot of anger and that is why he is going to counseling (if he really is, I don't know).

I feel like if he did want to "save" the marriage that he should consiously be prooving that to me. I have made changes in myself in order to save the marriage. Good changes for me.

Am allowed to say any of this to him?? I am just feeling at my wits end.

He says that if our relationship was on the level it should be then I would not have a problem with his friendship with the OW. I don't disagree with that, but I am threatened by it, and he won't do anything about it. Does he even care??

I feel when we talk he is sometimes quite sincere, but other times he is so shamefully insincere that I want to smack him (not literally - ok literally, but I wouldn't).

I feel like I am getting so many mixed signals. How do I tell what is real and what is not? I married this man for a reason and he married me for a reason. We have built an amzaing life together and could have a great future.

I know that I can meet his EN, but I am concerned that he can't do that for me because he is so selfish. He has always been selfish, but not at this level.


OOOHHH --- aaarrggg - HELP. I am totally confused. Totally wrapped around his finger, and at my wits end!!!

Now that is just silliness, Alison. Of course you should have a problem with his mistress. Only an insane person would not have a problem with an adulterous affair. And only a completely uncommitted, uncaring spouse would allow his marriage to disinegrate over a mere "friendship." An adulterous affair IS a threat to your marriage, as you can see. Your H has moved out for one reason and one reason only: to carry on his affair unimpeded.

People that want to work on a marriage do not leave. That makes no sense, how can you work on a marriage if you are gone? People leave when they don't want to work on a marriage.

You should not pretend as if you believe his nonsense. Let him know that you know he is having an affair with the OW and that it is destroying your marriage.

Most importantly, Alison, is exposure. Exposure is the single most effective weapon you have against this affair. We have cases on this forum where it caused the end of the afffair THAT DAY. In other cases, it hastened the end of the affair.

That is because affairs can only survive in secrecy and once exposed, it takes all the fun away. It is ruinous to affairs when the affairees are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others.

So, get to exposing. Start with the OWH, and then move down a list that contains his family, your family, close friends, and his Human Resource department. Try to also inform the OW's parents if you can find them. Don't forewarn your H you are going to do this, just do it and do it all in the same day if you can. Doing it all at once strikes the maximum blow to the affair.

Here is an excellent overview of Plan A that might be helpful: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2858269

Shamefully dishonest is more like it. I would suggest that you pay his WORDS no mind and look at his actions for the truth. His words are meaningless right now and will stay that way until his affair is busted up.

So he is here right now with DD. And this sucks I am depressed and have already cried and whined and told him that I want to be his best friend again.

I am so annoyed with my self right now. I am sure he thinks I am the weakest woman in the world. I got upset that he didn't want me to run errands with him (I did have to go to all the same places). I just assume he wanted to get out of the house so he could talk to OW. So I said, you know what - I need to get out of the house. You watch the baby and I will get all the crap...

What in the world am I doing. I am totally obsessed with talking about it and he said very kindly, I don't want to do this. I just want to soend some time with you guys.

I hate this - I hate him - I hate her!!!! Most of all I hate her though - H is my territory and she is tresspassing!!!!!

I am so so so terrified of exposing to the OWH. I may get up the nerve though. Should I ever confront the OW. And seriously should I really contact HR??? He could lose his job which would devestate our finances...

What what what in the world do I do... Terrified!!! And very lonely!!!

Alison, if you want to fight this affair, you must calm down and develop a strategy. You have to get a grip on your emotions. Yes, exposure is scary, but so is the inevitable divorce if you don't do everything in your power to bust up this affair. Remember, there is nothing wrong with exposure, but there is something very wrong with having an affair. If you help him hide his dirty secret, you do it at your own expense.

Allison,
Take a deep breath. Now, take another one.

Ok, ow as Melody said, you need to make a plan. If you want the affair to stop, it is up to you. He is not breaking it off, is he?

From everything on the site and listening to others, you must expose.

Decide right now who all you are going to expose to. Then do it. Do not delay. Do not give him warning. Just Do it.

It is not going to make him happy. It is doubtful that he'll run directly back to you and fall on his knees in gratefullness.

If you let the secret continue, the affair will continue. That is not what you want, is it?

Be brave. Do you have a good friend who will be with you to make the calls?

You can do this Allison.

What if I am still not positive about the affair. I do feel betrayed and he knows that and he has admitted to betraying my trust, but what does that mean??

The OW's marriage is already ruined, so I am not really so eager to call OWH because they are already separated - from what my H tell me...

When we were in Mexico in a drunken stooper I did say to OWH that i thought they were F*cking... I also called my H a dead beat dad & husband and I also said that she the "OW" wasn't his only other woman. Of course I remember none of this - way too much Tequila!!! So he says he is soooo angry with me for that and that he want to get over this anger so we can move on with our marriage.

I am dying inside

From what your H told you? Alison, you need to call the man and find out the TRUTH. He may have information that you need. The OWH can be a valuable ally in helping you team up and bust up this affair. Nor does it matter if they are "seperated," that changes nothing. Seperated still means married.


It means he is having an affair. You know it, he knows it. If you are REALLY uncertain [which I doubt] go stake out his apartment tonight or hire a P.I. to follow him.

I will try to get up my courage to do this. To call OWH, but really feel it will hurt us more than help us. Do I have anything to lose??? I am not sure I know the answer to that question. Have I already lost him?? Will this push him closer to her? I know that some of my actions during our Mexico vacation did push him closer, but I felt the chemistry when we were there, so this probably started a while back...

The problem is - I do not have my emotions in control. I look at him and I melt. He was a good husband, he is a great dad.

It seems as if he is not fased by it. Sometimes he says he has a lot on his mind and it genuinely seems as if he does. Maybe he is reconsidering his stupidity?? Again - being Naive???

OH - how can i have to confidence to expose if I don't even trust myself enough to believe he is having an A??? His parents know, my parents, people at his work who will be on his business trip know I am uncomfortable with their friendship. Should I call these people and tell them what I think. But thats just it - it is only what I think... HELP!!! Can't make up my mind!!!

If you are not sure, then stake out his apartment tonight and take a picture. Or hire a P.I.

You can only bust up this affair by getting the truth out there, so get to work!

Calling the OWH will help your situation by recruiting another set of eyes who can help you bust up the affair. It will make your H mad, but your job now is not to appease your H, but to bust up the affair so you can save your marriage.

Okay - I will do it on Tuesday. Can you help me figure out what to say. Will you be here on Tuesday?? I am scared. sooo scared. I think my husband may never talk to me again. Oh well. still his loss...

Allison,
You have some of the best people advising you. I loved Mr. Wonderings advice, and Melody is always known for cutting to the chase and showing you what needs to be done.

The only thing I will offer is that the natural tendency of the bs is to become clingy, needy, and the tendency to proclaim their love and commitment to the ws.

All this behavior, (which comes naturaly in these circumstances) is counterproductive.

Step away from your emotions now.

You are in a battle for your marriage.

Emotions only make things worse.

You can choose how you are going to react.

Plan with Melody or some of the other experienced members.

Get a grip on your fear. Fear clouds the mind. You need a clear mind to do battle.

You have a clear set purpose now.

To save your marriage.

Your power lies in remaining in control of your feelings.

Regardless of whether your marriage survives or not, your worth is NOT BASED ON YOUR WS's Rejection or view of you.

You are a loveable, capable, human being.

Marriage does not complete you.

Your worth is based on your principles and character, not by others perception of you.

I will be rooting for you, Allison.


Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

ok, Alison, lets talk about your plan. Exactly what do you have in mind? What you should say is that your H is having an affair with XYZ and has left you and the newly born baby. You are trying to save your marriage and would appreciate their support and influence in doing so.

To his employer, I would suggest sending an email to Human Resources or visiting in person and informing them of the affair and its impact on your current marital status. Ask them what they intend to do about it. Let them know you EXPECT them to do something about this.

When you call the OWH, tell him what you know about the affair and ask if you can work as a team to save your marriages. Tell him what you are trying to do via Marriage Builders. At the very least get as much info as possible from him about the affair.

Do NOT tell your H you intend on doing this. He will find out afterwards.

Make a list of all the key targets for exposure and I can help you put them in a priority list and develop talking points.

DO NOT forewarn your H you are going to do this,ok.

Thanks for the excellent post, kdsheartbreak. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here is the 180 thing; which I have read here is to be used after Plan A and Plan B have failed??? I don't know - makes sense to me that the 180 things are a guideline for behavior in Plan A... I believe these are from divorcebusting.com
[color:"purple"] The 180 Approach

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from their family members to convince them they are making a big mistake
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[/color]

Good luck with the Exposure on Tuesday - you are doing the right thing, and MelodyLane is the expert to walk you thru it!

MSA

Ok, so listen to this. He is asleep right now in our bed and I am just stewing and really angry right now. Had to get the heck out of there because of my anger. I really feel like my head is going to explode.

I truly think I am going to just simply lay it all out on the line for him tomorrow. I hear everyone and I love what you are saying, but I don't know if this is my best course of action right now.

He is telling me he needs to get over his anger at my blow up in Mexico, well, he is going to feel the wrath of my anger tomorrow.

He is using me right now because he was supposed to take DD to his place this weekend, but we decided to have some wine and driving wasn't smart after that so he stayed. I am thinking he did this so he wouldn't have to wake up with her on the middle of the night. He has yet to do this in her 9 months of life. So he will have a very rude awakening when he finally takes her for the weekend.

You guys, I am RULED by my emotions and I cannot control them - ever!!! Seriously - ever. I am screaming on the inside right now and it is taking all of my poser not to wake him up and kick him to the curb.

He is just so darn rational about it all. That's what kills me. I asked him what he would do if he thought I was having an affair and had evidence to support his feelings and I still told him no I wasn;t having an affair. he said he would just have to take my word for it. come on - what loving husband with a DD would allow such a thing to happen??

I am not going to allow myself to be treated this way any longer. I have had it and he is going to know...

So - he came down because he didn't know where I was and I told him very calmly how I was feeling about everything. How I truly fell betrayed and hurt. And that this "A" is killing me and us. He still denied it and got angry about it. He had the nerve to ask if I looked at his cell phone. That made me mad because I told him I wouldn't do that, but what if I had - would I have found something that would have made me angry??? I asked him that and he said no, so why would it even matter??

Is my wanting him to love me so horrible?? Is my wanting him to get rid of his anger an unreasonable request? I understand that that can take time, but darn, at least try to make the effort to say I want to resolve this.

I asked him why he said 50/50 shot at reconcyling and why it just wouldn't work out at all. he said that it wouldn't work out if he couldn't get rid of his anger. Well, I feel like being angry is a choise. I am choosing to get rid of my anger and to try to trust again. Why can't he??

He got very defensive and angry. I am so confused right now. I love this moron so darn much, but I don't understnad what he is doing or what is going on in his head.

Well, Alison, how's all that working for you?



Why would you not do that?

Because I told him that I was going to try to trust him day by day, little by little. And that If I did truly trust him that I wouldn't feel the need to do it. and truthfully I didn't feel like I needed to see the phone until he said something about it...

Good Morning and Happy New Year. so far mines a b*tch!!

And why in the world would you trust an untrustworthy person? Wouldn't that be a little bit insane?