So the cell phone bills and the text message are not enough? I have to get a picture or voice recording to get them??

You don't ask a LIAR what she is up to!! You find out the goods on your own and then you TELL HER you know what she is up to.

What do you think a liar is going to say?? Do you really think she is going to bust herself just because you ask? OF COURSE SHE'S NOT!! That would jeopardize her affair. Much easier to kick you under the bus as a lunatic than admit the truth.

Alison, YOU told me yourself that was not enough. You told me you weren't sure.

I feel it is not enough for him to admit it. It is enough for ME to believe it. Also everyone I have told feels the same way about the cell phone bills and the text message.

I want proof for myself so I can get some closer and really stir things up for these selfish idiots... I know very vengeful, but I am pis*ed. I want him to pay for his selfishness, I really do.

How about getting enough goods to STOP the affair and save your marriage? Do you want to do that? If you approach with this with an attitude of vengefulness, that will not help your marriage.

Does the OWH know about the cell phone bill and the text message? You really should call him and let him know this and see what he knows. Tell him - without telling your means - that you are getting ready to find out much more and ask if he is interested in seeing what you find? [don't tell him anything you don't want the OW to hear] It would be ideal if you could befriend him and work together to bust up this affair.

GEt your plan together, Alison. Its time to make a plan and start action.

I am going to call the OWH on Tuesday. Should I say that I am trying to fix my marriage or that I am trying to find out the truth. I have a tendancy to say too much so I may need help with a script of some sorts. I can do this calmly, but my emotions sometimes will make me say too much and I don't want to blow this.

Also - what if I AM wrong about the A. Then what? What have I done if I go through with this if nothing is going on? OMG - I am so naive??!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And you won't get the truth from her. I spoke to my FWH's OW and all I got was lies. It is not worth trying to talk to her. They have a way of just making fun of you and thinking you are a pathetic fool. You are better than that.

Do you have a friend or relative that can help you with staking him out?

Tell him that you strongly suspect they are having an affair because of XYZ and are in the process of gathering even more evidence. Ask him is he is aware of the affair and what he knows about it. Tell him you want to save your marriage and offer to work together with him to bust up this affair.


I thought we already covered this? Start a campaign of snooping to get the goods and then launch the exposure nuke.

I can try to find someone to try to stake him out with me, but there is DD to think about. I would have to stake him out late at night when she is sleeping.

Plus, I am not sure they are dumb enough to go back to his place - even though it is the only place they can go since her kids are with her at night. The night I am thinking about would be Sunday evening when they get back from the CA trip. They arrive back around 930 and maybe I could wait at his place for them, but what if she doesn't come back with him? I want to go to the airport and see if they kiss eachother goodbye, but I won't know where they parked their cars. what do i do about that?

What if this is an EA and they are just talking all the time. what if they are only doing bad things on business trips? how will I catch them in CA??

What if he doesn't care to help me or care about the affair. My H told me that OWH told her that she could do what ever she wanted as long as she came home to him and the kids. What kind of pathetic dude is that??

I feel like I wouldn't get anything from him...

You can't catch them in CA, so don't even try. Can you hire the PI to follow them at the airport and then see where they go?

What about putting the recorder in his car?

Your H could be lying about what OWH knows or thinks.
WS's lie...all the time. They make you think you are crazy when you aren't.

Post deleted by sickofthis1961

Do you believe your H and his sleazy GF are reliable sources of information? You must be kidding.....

I am sure he lies about a lot of things. i will try very hard to figure out what that is when I speak to OWH, but what if he doesn't want to cooperate??

That is just what I was thinking I'd try to do. If he is out of town he can't catch you doing it and their are some really small digital recorders that are silent.

I do not have the money to hire the PI right now. I want to do the tape recorder thing, but I would have had to do it this weekend when I had his car for a while.

And what do I do, just tape the thing under the seat and pray to gosh that he calls her. And is I get the small digital recorder, where would I get it and how much would the thing cost, and how much recording time does it have?

And I am still very concerned that OWH will not want to speak to me at all.

You are getting great advice from Melody and the others. I am moving your last post over from JFO:

"""I can't go on his trip. It is not that kind of deal. Plus I would hate being there around OW. He is asleep right now in our bed and I had to get the heck out of there. couldn't sleep. We drank some wine and since it is New Years I and he felt he should not drive home. He is using me like I have never been used before. I hate him for this.
I am so angry right now. i swear I am about to go wake him up and scream at him.

I have decided that I am going to lay into him tomorrow and just lay it all out on the line. I am over it. He needs to know that I will be fine without him. I can;t even imagine why I would want to be with a man like this. And what kind of role model would I be for my DD to stay with a piece of sh*t who doesn;t give a dam* about her mommy.

What are your thoughts on that one?? Sincerely pissed!!! """

We can all understand your anger, rage, frustration. This is the worst thing to go through in a marriage. You did not deserve it.

But, screaming is going to do nothing for your marriage in the long run. It is a lovebuster (LB), and while LBs feel good when you do them, they are destructive and leave damage behind.

Your H is wrong. Totally wrong.

You are going to have to focus, with laser intensity to break this up. You are going to need to expose, and I think it's great that ML is helping you with that.

Self control is called for. Control your emotions, your tendency to "say too much". Never divulge your sources.

And, a word about the cell phone: Your promise not to look at the cell phone was a mistake. Take that promise back. Don't say anything, just take it back.

Your H is not worthy of trust right now. He is in an A. He is an alien right now. He is sick. He has to earn your trust back. Changing the passwords - that was an untrustworthy act. And while we all understand the feelings of questioning the marriage, you are married; you have a child; a child who deserves an intact family. Your H is sick. If he had cancer, would you kick him to the curb? Major depression? What illness could he get that would justify your abandoning him? I will tell you that my FWH was so grateful at the point where we reached 6 months of NC. He thanked me with tears in his eyes for not running away. But, Dday and its aftermath were purely hellacious for me. I really don't know how I lived through it, and I am a brain tumor survivor. Compared to the A, the brain tumor surgery/recovery was a cakewalk!

I would, while he is sleeping, or in the shower (in fact, that is exactly what I have done!), go get that cell phone, and scroll through every call he has made. Do this every time he's with you. It is the only way you can verify what he's saying. Don't tell him you're checking, just check. Assume C is ongoing until you can prove to yourself otherwise. Yes, I know there are MBers out here who will say that is sneaky, too. But, I disagree. The only way you can be sure there is NC is to verify. Even if your H is trying to break it off, he's going through WD, which is horrible for the WS to go through. Lots of relapses. So, you have to check.

There's a great saying for this: "Trust, but verify."

Good luck with everything. You are on an emotional rollercoaster. Hang on tight!

Ask the OWH if he said what your H says he said. If he doesn't want to cooperate, then say thank you, good bye.