Hey 2 Long,

I cried last night. It was the first time in a while. I don’t “cry” easily, but boy I was glad I was alone. Maybe the beer helped. It was real one. (I feel like a sissy for saying so) I have bad sinus infection too so I was a mess.

I felt as bad as I did the first night I found out STBX was on her way to a hotel room to spend the next few days with Frisky OM.

I mean, I’m thinking this is finally IT. STBX quitting counseling for the second time was the last straw. It feels like a funeral. It feels like the funeral of your favorite relative, a relative who has gone away and you haven’t seen, or really know anymore. But you wished you did, you wished you still knew them, they way they were before. But they are gone.

The mediation lasted 3 hours. The bad Mrs. Joad showed up. You never know which one will wake up each day.

The mediator was in with her and her attny for 90 minutes before he even came into our room, he said they were still trying to decide what they wanted.

I made an offer. We kind of agreed on distribution of assets, but my STBX wants $2000/month alimony for the rest of her life. She wouldn’t budge. (That;s the bad Mrs. Joad, she will get what she wants or nobody can be happy, she’ll wreck the Christmas, ruin a birthday, ground the kids - whatever) She wanted that alimony on top of child support and another $1000 month of my retirement. Hey, I’m just a dang fireman. She can work, she’s only 40 years old. I made three counter offers, but absolutely no partcipation from her. So off to a divorce trial. I have to get depositions lined up, a vocational rehab study done, cost evaluations, etc. Just burning up the assets and creating even more hard feelings.

I might have to pay her alimony for life but I’ll never agree to that, a judge will have to force me. She cheats on me, violates our marital vows and promises, throws me out of my own house with nothing, makes me a visitor to my children, and she said I deserved it. I’m going to pay her for that?

I’ll never volunteer to pay her for cheating on me. She ruined my family, ruined my kids, all for her selfishness, for her webcam buddy. And she kept it up all through the false reconciliations.

So nothing happened. Spent another $1,200 for that mediation (her too probably) and am looking at another 5 grand for the divorce trial now. ( that's alot of counseling money) But I won’t let her try to boss me around anymore. I just wish things were so different. Good Mrs. Joad, Bad Mrs. Joad ... flip a coin.

I cannot believe that a FL judge would award her a life time alimony. When I went to a lawyer for a consultation to see where I stood in case we DV'd, I was told that I could expect alimony until the youngest turned 18...something like that. I doubt that she would get more than a few years alimony.

Maybe she has a multiple personality disorder...there is something going on in her that just seems very off kilter.

She can dream all she wants. It would be an awful slap in the face if the courts allowed her to get more than she deserves. I think they may take into consideration extenuating circumstances when deciding the equitable distribution of assets. Has she been working this last year?

What has your lawyer told you to expect?

TJ, do you have the same email address?

(this is maddyk, btw)

Hang in there Tom. Hopefully you won't have to pay her a ton, but continue with the D. Keep in mind that once you are free, you will probably be snatched up by someone who has a few assets and some income. I've noticed the men who divorce here tend to hook up with someone about 10 years younger who has it all going on.

One of these days they're gonna throw me outta here.

Trix,

I don't know what a judge would order, but it certainly can't be any worse than what she wants. And anything less would be a better deal, so why not take it the judge. I mean he can't order me to pay after I'm dead can he? I mean I'm willing to help with support until she gets on her feet but I don't want to pay forever. Her Internet "friend" that she cant stay away from can take her in. She said he would.

Yes she is working, but I think under-employed. But is a job with some benefits so that is good. She didn't go find the job until she ran through the money she took out of the bank before the divorce was filed. Spent it all before looking for a job.

She isn't psycho, but I worry she has trouble controlling or expressing herself right. I mean she thinks she can force people to do things if she doesn't get her way. She was never that way before we married. She was a little misleading but nowhere near bossy or demanding.

My Attny. won't commit either way, but says we have a case. I just hate all this so much.


((((ACE)))) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
Of course I remember you Maddy. I hadn't seen you on the boards at all and thought you were long gone from MB. Yes I still have the same and only e-mail.

Believer,

There was I time I never thought I could trade up. I thought I had the prize and was lucky lucky lucky.

But I was spoiled in some ways. And abused in others. A nice 30 year old ... hmmm. Just kidding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't mind paying whatever I should. But not more, she wrecked my home and my dreams. And laughed.

Tom - I'll say this quickly before anyone complains. I've been here for awhile. I've seen lots of marriages end. And I'm talking about ones where the BS was desperate to save the relationship.

Many of the men (and some of the women) ended up with someone younger, prettier, and with a GREAT job.

I'm not saying it happens to the men only. But I think they tend to take the plunge a little quicker than women. Also usually the female gets custody of any kids, and that slows them down.

Believer:

That true? (also said before anybody complains!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Ooooo Believer. From your lips to God's ear!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You know, I really didn't want the divorce. I just don't have anymore choice in the matter. If my STBX wouldn't have quit the counseling I'd still be working on the M and with her. I never stopped working for it, never quit, never lost hope.

Until now.

If I showed you a time-line for the past 12 months, I would have to guess that at least 5-6 of those months was the silent treatment and a complete withdrawl by her from her committments. (Of course she was still in contact with OM anytime she got the itch) She would be very nice for about a week, then more and more irritable until she would freak out and plain be emotionally dangerous to me.

I know we lost a month in April, lost a month in June, lost a month in August, and then she quit counseling in mid--October and we really haven't spoken since. That would be another 2 1/2 months of silent treatment, and legal bills. Now Less than a week before mediation more than 2 months later she makes overtures for reconciliation and acts nice.

I didn't have any choice. 6 months of every year? I mean she could get mad next week, for who knows what, and I wouldn't hear from her again for another month or two. I wanted to fall back in love with her and live with my kids, grow old and talk about how we "made it." I looked forward to standing in church when they congratulated the couples who were still married after 30-35-50 years. I had those visions when I got married. But I just have a torturous half-life here. I'm only 40, I got another good 20 years in me.

You can still make 50 with the right woman.

What's 40?

I've got ailments older than that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

More importantly, what's with FL? It's not a no-fault state? If it's not, can you sue for DV on grounds of adultery? Like Mortarman could have done in VA?

And alimony. Assuming she's awarded it, does she get it if she remarries? How long were you married? Does she get it past another x years, depending on how long you were married?

I don't know this stuff much.

-ol' 2long

Some beers are calling my name, walking out the door to see a friend.

I'll get back.

One reason you will do much better than let's say the average guy, is that you now know all of the MB stuff. How many people who don't read here know about EN's, the love bank, LB's and DJ's?

Plus, while trying to save the marriage there has been lots of practice - albeit with a not too willing partner. Imagine what happens when you meet a nice lady who DOESN'T think you're a bum! She's putty in your capable hands.

Believer, You truly are the "eternal optimist"!!! It's a great quality. Never change.

She's putty in your capable hands... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That would be a pleasant change. We should all get so lucky. Someone deserving to benefit from all this "training".

All the men always think they will NEVER find anyone that they can love like they loved their wife. And that is partly true.

But they will find someone who they love, who is different. I remember talking to Brett for months and months. He was a wonderful guy with a home and a good job. His wife fell madly in love with the maintenance man, who had been divorced twice.

Brett was heartbroken, didn't want to date - you know the story. Even when he met a young lady - 25 by the way (he was 36), he said their was no "chemistry". But one day while playing pool and eating hotdogs, their eyes met, and ka-POW!!!! They were madly in love.

Unfortunately(IMO), FL is a no fault state.

Believer:

Wonder how Brett is doing now. He was fun 2 post 2.

Trix. Don't no fault states NOT have alimony? I know that when my W and I met with a mediator last May, the guy surprised her when he said that, once we file, or finances and assets are split and that's it from then on - we're each on our own.

Hoping it never comes 2 that, but you never know (if it does, I want one of them 10-yr younger babes believer was aluding 2 earlier! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

-ol' lecherous 2long

2 long, your W hasn't been a SAHM for a while now. She has earning capacity. TJ's W has been a SAHM for a long time until recently where it sounds like she has a job with which she can't fully support herself.

I do not believe that any judge would give her a life time alimony. She would be lucky with 5 yrs and probably until the youngest is 18. She can keep their house until the kids turn 18 and then it would probably be sold and the assets split. It is pretty much a 50/50 state but I think they may look at it from an equitable assessment.

Did you give an account of your anniversary somewhere? I thought that was a deadline of sorts.

2-long - Don't know how he is. That's the trouble with these guys- once they fall in love, no more posting.

Well, I did something stupid, but than again maybe not.

Early last week when my STBX was offering another attempt at reconciliation, ( and offering to do whatever it takes , and really stop contacting OM, and getting her mood swings under control, etc.) I shared my concern that she had said all this before. And then changed her mind repeatedly. I said that if I did agree to another attempt, how do I know the next week she wouldn't just change her mind again. I told her I can't depend on her to have a constant belief, or an unwavering commitment.

Well, she was very nice last week. She made all the promises again, said I was everything she wants, that she was sorry.

I've been feeling really bad about the failure of the M. I breakdown and send her an email.

I mentioned before that I had sent her links to MB and encouraged her to come on here for support. Well I sent her a link I had sent last year. The one by Dorry that was a guide for WW by a FWW. I saw it on the board again and figured I'd send it to her. I had sent that link and a link by Frozen1229. I figure they are both women so she may be more apt to listen. One is a BS, on is a FWW. She can see both sides, maybe get help, advice, support, encouragement. But she ignored it. And of course she never got the counseling she promised.

I Tell her I wish she would have come here for support instead of from her sisters and friend Beck. (Sisters encouraged the affair and covered for her, and Beck is a serial cheater, former topless dancer, and was currently involved in active affair and DV procedings against her H.) These were the people she went to when she was feeling frustrated. She made contact with OM from thier homes, and recieved snail mail from OM at Becks. Is it any wonder that her commitment continued to waver week by week?

Anyway, Like I said last week she wants to get back together more than anything - she is going to control her mood swings. This week, she responds to my email by saying "don't send me anything or email me again, unless it is about the kids"

OK, familiar. Maybe I was hoping I would see some consistency from her, I mean in maintaining a constant state of mind. But what I get is her consistently being unable to maintain anything. Last week, she wants me, this week don't talk to me. It has been this way for the past year.

Why do I keep thinking it will be different? Its that stupid hope. I could pull a two dozen emails from her ... 12 would say she loves me and can't wait to be with me, and the other 12 would say she can't stand me and she never loved me like a husband. And these would alternate.

She would later say, that she didn't mean it. But I don't know which one is true. She hates me or likes me. (I won't even venture at love, there has been not demonstration of lovingness)