Hi all. Ok well, this is my second attempt at this post. I was typing a previous one when I suddenly realized it would qualify for book-status in 6 more words, so I'm trying to condense. (Really, I DID try! I swear)

Extremely Condensed Version :
I sucked as a W
H became emotionally involved with internet-girl
H met internet-girl in person
H's cousin (I know, eww) who he cheated on me with pre-marriage has returned to the scene in a LARGE way
I've made many changes, reworking my life
H says leaving is not an option
But I worry, and the cousin is this weird issue
Even the condensed version can't stay condensed =(
I'll stop typing now
I'm sorry this is so long! =\

I am here for my marriage. Reading here helps me feel calmer and more sane, and it helps me think more clearly which is a good thing. It also gives me the sense that I am not alone, and that is a wonderful thing.

To begin with myself: I have GREATLY contributed to the state my marriage is currently in. Over the past few years, I have been very depressed and very selfishly focused on my own issues rather than my husband or my marriage. When I met my husband, he did things like scuba-diving and fencing; he went out with friends and family. I felt comfortable hiding at home rather than going out, and I pulled him into that with me. I discouraged seeing his family (even though I love them dearly), I was HORRIBLE at house-keeping, I rarely wanted to have sex, I cried alot, I had meltdown after meltdown where I would end up hiding in the bathroom or a closet, I was self-destructive and actively harmed myself many times, I got to a point where I was drinking every. single. night. for a long, long span of time (I have since quit drinking altogether, except for the christmas meltdown). I walked around the house in his t-shirts and never dressed, never put on makeup, didn't do anything to even try and look nice for him. We both ended up spending the majority of our lives in-the-same-room but not-really-together. Several weeks ago he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me; I spent some time hysterical, we both cried alot, he felt bad, I felt bad (he has subsequently decided that no matter what he feels he wants, leaving is not an option). I stumbled onto this site, read and read and read, buttered him up a bit for a couple of weeks and finally managed to get him to sit down and talk with me, and read through some of the site. We made lists of things we can do to start meeting each other's needs better, we got ourselves onto a more normal schedule (we had been used to staying up all hours of the night and waking at 3 or 4 pm and being very lazy), we started walking together, eating together, going out together, etc etc etc. Then came the wrench his cousin threw into our lives (read below) and I ended up having a huge meltdown on christmas. HUGE. I had been drinking wine at his family's all day and neglected to eat, and that combined with the emotion of spending the day near his cousin (and he did spend much of the day with her, leaving me to sit alone or find other ppl to hang out with) was too much. I acted very badly on the way home, threw tantrums, etc. and even now I am ashamed of it. After this meltdown he has withdrawn in some ways. The day or three directly afterward he was visibly unhappy with me, was reminded of why he felt sometimes like he didn't want to be with me anymore, was very terse and angry toward me. This attitude has slowly improved and in some ways is almost back to normal, although he still feels distant at times and refuses to have sex, and he also does not want to "work" on things right now, presumably because he is still recovering his feelings or something after christmas. He is hugging me, holding my hand, eating meals with me, smiling at me and playing silly games with me, etc. I worry that his refusal to actively work on issues is a convenient excuse to allow him to blow me off in favor of spending as much time with his cousin as he wants without feeling guilty about it; but I also realize he could be feeling very tentative and wary and not wanting to invest himself again after he tried for a few weeks and I still had this huge meltdown.

A bit of a necessary history lesson: 7 years ago, about a month after we were engaged, my (now)husband cheated on me while on a holiday cruise with his family. He and his (somewhatbutnottoomuch) distant cousin got themselves terribly drunk and crawled into bed together. He came clean, cried, was remorseful - we decided to work through it if we could. We did, and were married a year later. I insisted he not have contact with her for the time-being, and he agreed. You'll see why this is important momentarily.

Now, fastforward to the present: The past year has not been pleasant, although it could have been much worse. My husband became very close to a girl he met on the internet. He and I are both computer/net/gaming fanatics, and until recently spent a lot of time on computers. The "recent issues" started in January, when he suddenly decided that I needed to change or "someday" he might feel like running away or "doing something" with some girl. In retrospect, most of the things he mentioned were legitimate concerns and I can (now) see how he was probably trying to express that he did honestly need things in our marriage to change; he just didn't do it in a very good way, and it didn't help that it came on the heels of his spending hours everyday talking to this girl who was very clearly romantically interested in him and with whom he flirted shamelessly and made comments about running away to vegas, etc. He made a "resume" of his past relationships (our marriage being the last one listed) to send to her as a sort of joke "applying for a job" type thing, he made comments to her about "picking a fight" with me so that he could run away to be with her, things like that. Yes, I snooped. I'm good at it.

So, it all escalated until one day when he said he was going out with friends, and when he got home he couldn't look me in the eye, and he inserted way too many f***'s into his conversation; I knew something was up. I waited for him to leave the next day for school, hopped onto his computer, and what did I find but a message from the little b*tch saying what a wonderful time she had had in Florida (we live in FL). Throughout that day I was feeling devastated; I did discover that the extent of their physical relationship had been a couple of quick kisses in public. I was relieved that at the least they hadn't had sex. Anyway, (I realize I'm getting long-winded again), long-story-less-long, that was sometime in the summer, and things have been on and off since. At one point I finally said, no more, I can't deal with you talking to her anymore, make your choice; and so he did stop talking to her. In some ways, things were going better, but we were not really working on any of the issues that had led us to this point, so obviously it was all bound to come to a head again sooner or later.

The sooner or later happened about 3 months ago, when the aforementioned cousin attempted suicide. This severely impacted my husband, esp. since she is someone who has meant a great deal to him for most of his life, and I know that he has missed her terribly during the past 7 years. (Around this time he resumed a very small amount of communication with the internet-girl, which he stopped at my request again a few weeks ago, and then resumed again after my christmas meltdown). He began emailing his cousin, and from then until now his interactions with her have pretty much exploded into something huge (from my possibly skewed perspective). She came down here a couple of weeks before christmas and apparently will be staying for awhile. The first day he went to see her, he ended up spending the night (she is staying with another member of the family that my H and I both like and trust). That was a big deal because I had asked him to try and not be gone for 12 hours, and he laughed and said he wouldn't be; he was gone for 27 instead. It is also a big deal because I have a horrible time spending the night alone and I felt very panicked and abandoned. Since then, he has been in contact with her by phone/text/email several times every day. She has called here at midnight wanting him to come talk to her, etc. He has spent time with her (several hours in some cases) on several different days. Tomorrow, he is going to pick her up at the airport at 6 am and he plans to spend the day with her.

I go back and forth between feeling like he created this situation with his cousin and that because of it he isn't entitled to interact with her whenever/however he sees fit; and thinking that I have no right to tell someone they can't see a member of their own family, especially when that particular member's life has been in grave danger and she is still in the midst of crisis in some ways. I would be satisfied with some compromises but at this point I believe he is reacting rebelliously (perhaps he sees it as self-protecting) to the way I have acted recently concerning this situation.

I want to stay strong and do what is best for my marriage. He and I are both Christians, though I know I have and I suspect that he has, fallen away in recent years; the one good thing to come out of this is that my faith and relationship with God has been restored in an unbelievable way, and for that I am thankful even though it has been painful.

Ty for listening if you got this far; I think I need to study what the word "condense" actually means.

We all contribute to the state of our marriage, yet your husband made poor choices that have led him into the affair. The responsibility of an affair is not the betrayed spouse(BS).

It seems like you have been making positive changes in yourself. That is a good thing.

If your husband is not in a physicaly affair(PA) it seems like he is surely in an Emotional Affair (EA)

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? It is a necessary read. Since you have been reading at the site, have you read the articles on infidelity?

Other, more experienced posters will be here to help you soon, I'm sure.

I hope the very best for you.

Blessings

It doesn't matter that the OW is in his family. Once the line has been crossed, they need to have no contact forever. That is just the consequence of their behavior.

You can start in Plan A. That is showing him what a great wife you can be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. Also it includes exposing the affair to the family and others that could have any influence.

Here's just something really really simple to start ... 100% stop drinking alcohol ... at least for a year

I don't think you are an alcoholic, but depressed people ought not to drink at all .... and until you get your life straightened out ... being alcohol-free will benifit you

Have you seen a Doctor about your depression?

Hi, ty for the replies to such a long post.

moveforward - I have not read that book but I am going to order some books today. TY for the suggestion and the kind words.

Pepperband - I agree and I have stopped drinking altogether; I did slip up at christmas but at that point I had thought it would be ok to have a few on holidays with family, but now I don't think that anymore and I won't drink, period. I feel much better physically and even just mentally about myself since I stopped. I don't really miss it except for when I get bored or nervous. I have not seen a DR but I am contemplating seeing a therapist to help me shape my life up.

believer - Yes in my gut I do also feel that way; I know it doesn't matter that she is in his family. I have not exposed this to anyone and I worry about that because of her mental state. If I did expose it and she attempted suicide again so many people would blame/hate me, probably including my husband. However I've decided anyway that when I find some good evidence I'm just going to; how she reacts to it is her responsibility, not mine.

And I worry that H (sigh, guess I should start referring to him as WH) will be so irate at me that he will leave or hate me. How does exposure fit into Plan A? Also, how do I handle things like, when I find some new piece of information. Just gather it and keep it to myself until I'm ready to show it to the world?

He has been telling me there is nothing between them now and that he will be careful; but there are at LEAST 15-20 texts/phone calls between them every single day, and just today I found this awful poem "101" that lists 101 things he loves about her; many of them are sexual/romantic in nature. I can't tell if he wrote it when they had their "thing" several years ago or very recently. I know that it was at least modified recently, and I suspect it was totally created recently as well.

So I found this poem, I don't tell him that? I just keep up the great wife act for now, until I'm ready to go to the next step / have sufficiently buttered him up?

I really, really wish I could get into his gmail account; I would try some passwords I know he has used but I'm afraid it would lock his account or something and he would find out. I would assume I need to keep my snooping very secretive; sort of blows the whole "wow what a great wife" concept otherwise.

::

He brought her by here this morning after picking her up from the airport so that he could pick up a few DVD's to take over to the place she is staying, and they're going to watch them together. She stood in my house and said "Oh, this place is so cute" and I wanted to strangle her. We don't have alot of extra money atm, but he went out and bought a bunch of new dvd's the other day; found out she happens to like them, specifically, and they are the ones he took over there today.

How should I have acted when they were standing together in my living room? I sat on the couch and was probably a little cool but I wasn't mean or anything.

You can let him know how much it hurts you that he spends time with her. It is at least an EA. He is taking time and family resources from you and using them on her.

Of course he will say that they are just friends. But friends don't cause problems in a marriage. They don't communicate many times a day.

Start your Plan A and watch for evidence. They will get careless. I would also continue letting him know in a calm manner that him spending time away with her is hurting you and his marriage.

Can you put some key logging software on his computer, to see what he's up to? How about a voice-activated recorder in his car? If he's alone with her and they're fooling around, you know that they're going to say something to each other the minute they're alone.

Your husband needs to remember that he's already cheated on you with this cousin of his. That all by itself is reason enough for him not to be spending all this time with her. The poem is just creepy. Does anyone else in the family know that these cousins slept together? How closely are they related? How do you think the family would react to them sleeping together? Are you close to his mom? Maybe you should confide in her and ask for her help. My MIL was a great comfort to me while my H and I were having problems.

It sounds like your H has real committment to you, since he's stuck by you while you were so difficult to live with over the years. You can turn this around. But, you've got to get him away from this cousin and break up the A. Do whatever you have to, to get to the bottom of this and to find out the truth. Just the threat of exposure will probably end it, since it's pretty shameful to be banging your cousin. Be ready to help your H pick up the pieces after the A blows up on him. He's going to need you.

Yeah, the poem sucked; and based on a few of the things mentioned therein, I'm 99.9% sure it was written in the past few days in its entirety. I also feel pretty sure that this has already gone into the physical realm, unless his little artistic masterpiece needs to be filed under fantasy. Well at least I don't have to wonder what his EN's are since he spelled out all of the ones she is oh so cleverly meeting in the poem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have let him know I am 100% uncomfortable with the time he is spending with her, and also the fact that he insists on always being alone with her; I haven't always remained calm, though, so that is something I will do from here on out.

Yesterday when I started putting my Plan A behaviors into action, he responded almost immediately. He went for a walk with me (not at my insistence, I told him I was going and he was welcome to join me if he liked); he asked me to watch a movie with him last night; he initiated cuddling and silly/giggly/joking behavior and chatted amicably with me about things like how scooby doo gave him nightmares when he was little, etc. They may seem like small things but they are things he hasn't done in ages.

The discouraging part is that, now that he has spent the day with her, his behavior will probably have deteriorated and the camaraderie of yesterday will be long-gone. I guess a difference is that I already feel less dependent and clingy; I can probably have a decent night even if he does shun me.

can you just not go over there? I mean you are married to him, that makes her your relative also. Hope on over there and hang out and watch movies with them. If nothing is going on, he should not object.

When I found out he was planning to spend time with her, I asked to go along. And I didn't do it in a harsh, demanding way. I said that I rather liked the lady she is staying with and I would enjoy the chance to catch up with her a bit.

Well, he flat out refused, and is still refusing. He won't let me anywhere near the time they spend together. I guess that's one of the things that got me really concerned, really quick.

We only have one car, otherwise I might drive over there and smile all bright-like and say I got lonely and thought I'd see what they were up to.

This is completely ridiculous. Has he said why you, as his wife, are not allowed to come with them? That's demeaning and rude to you.

Have you talked to anyone in his family about this situation? They must've noticed their completely inappropriate behavior.

That's a big read flag, his not wanting you to go along. That's one of the things that made me suspicious. My WH and step-daughter were going out dancing at the local club. I think it was the second time they went. I told WH I wanted to come too, and he said "No, you're not coming".

Soul, what does it mean to you that your "faith and relationship with God has been restored in an unbelievable way?"

What does your husband say about his faith and relationship with Christ.

So far I hear very little of either of you "submitting your will to God's will." If you want God's help and intervention, that's a good desire, but it's unrealistic if one is not willing to follow God's commands in humble obedience. God does NOT ask you to follow Him when you "feel like it," He says "If you love me, obey my commands."

If you and your husband are sincere in wanting to change things and save your marriage, then I STRONGLY recommend you both get into JOINT Christian Marital Counseling with a trained counselor immediately. If you don't know where to find one, let me know and I'll give you a link to the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors where you can search for a counselor in your area.

Your problems have been years in the making and you are both now apparantly looking for a "quick fix." There is no such animal. It's going to take work from both of you. It's going to take commitment from both of you. It's going to take CHOOSING who is going to be "God" in your lives, yourselves or God.

That may sound a little harsh and unfeeling. If it does, I am sorry. But a Christian cannot "play" at being a believer, either God IS Lord of your life or he isn't. As in all things, the CHOICE is yours.

What will you and your husband choose?

God bless.

FH, it doesn't sound terribly harsh, although perhaps a bit presumptive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

As I said, I know I have fallen away from my faith in recent years, and I suspect my husband has as well; it's hard to imagine following this route with your feet firmly planted in Truth.

What I mean when I say that my faith has been restored in an unbelievable way is that, for the first time in a very, very long time I truly know that God is there; that He has plans for my life and He will see me through this, whatever the end result may be. When I am in pain over something that has happened between me and my husband, I have Someone to go to; when I wake up in the morning and seek direction for my day, and comfort and protection and guidance, I know where to get it now. I believe I have depended solely on my husband to a HUGE degree, and I know God wants me to depend on Him instead; so I am learning to do that. I finally found out that all those years when I was dying for someone I could REALLY count on, all I ever had to do was go to God. I know that God demands obedience; I'll do my best, with His help. I'm not looking for a quick fix; would I like one? Of course, who wouldn't? But I'm not quite that naive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I know this will be a long haul and that's ok, only because I know with God at my side I can make it.

As for my husband? I don't know. If I try to bring up any issues of our faith or walk with God, he becomes very defensive; maybe I am just not bringing it up in the right way, or maybe he is defensive because he knows he is grieving God. I believe he is sincere about his beliefs; but I also believe he is being disobedient in a HUGE way, and he knows it. He is avoidant of church. He is studying/interning to be a chaplain, and I don't know how he meshes that with his daily activities.

I would go to a christian MC in a heartbeat; atm my husband most likely will not, although in the future it may be something he will come around to. He does not want to change things right now because he is enamored of this girl. If we get to a point of his being willing to work on things, I will snap up the chance to go to a christian MC in an instant.

I may not be good at being christian, but I'm not "playing" at it, either; I have found an immediate source of solace and strength. God came through for me and this has become an opportunity to find out who He really is; and that's why I say I am thankful, even through the pain.

GrownUp and believer - I agree that it is a red flag and also pretty ridiculous. Initially, he stated that he wanted to be alone with her because if anyone else was around it would impact the dynamics of their conversation. He is interning as a chaplain and he talks to people in crises every day; I think he originally thought he was going to walk into her life and be this wonderful listening ear that would help her through her issues and suicide-attempt recovery. But, I think his intentions changed drastically the minute he spent time alone with her, and he is just using his original reasoning as a good excuse to cut me out of the picture.

Soul -

Well the Christian's fall just has far as others. My WH has been a member of our church for 20 years. He was a deacon, and we were active in many ministries, both through church and on our own. He is still the chaplain for 2 secular groups that we belong to.

About 6 months after D-day, I put in a prayer request at out church. When the pastor's realized that my husband was living with the OW, they asked him not to come back to church until he spoke with them. He has never been back, nor spoken with them.

He used to say that the Lord's plan was for him to be with the OW. Now he says he knows that God hates divorce, but wants to get it over with.

It is so strange to me how a long-time, strong Christian can rationalize it all away.

No kidding. I know there are theological implications that are a big reason my H says that leaving is not and never will be an option. How exactly he fails to realize that there are also theological implications with adultery is beyond me.

One thing that worries me is that I think sometimes he wants me to leave so that he can be free of me without having the guilt of a D on his shoulders. Of course, that was pre-Plan A and before I started working on shaping myself up as a wife. That was back in my clingy BUT I WILL DIEEEE W/OUT YOU stage. ::shudder::

Afaik, no one in his family knows, and they would all be utterly devastated. I would talk to his mother about it, she is an amazing woman and his family IS my family; but she will fall to pieces around him I just know it, so I need to wait to talk to her until I am sure I'm ready to expose. I am contemplating speaking to the member of the family that OW is staying with and letting her know (maybe?) that I do not approve of his staying there so much / spending the night.

Oh yeah, looks like he isn't coming home tonight. ::

"One thing that worries me is that I think sometimes he wants me to leave so that he can be free of me without having the guilt of a D on his shoulders"

My WH did that. He turned into a HORRIBLE person. Also spent all of our savings, his retirement money, and every dime he made on his affair and the OW. It has been 3 years now that I tried to make it work. But I'm finally the one filing for divorce.

Soul, I don't much care if you are a "good" Christian or not. The reality is that none of us are "good." But there are 2 people in your marriage and you can only control the behavior of 1 of them. The drinking, for example, must end. God does not tell you to not be angry over sin, He tells you to not use that righteous anger as an excuse to commit sin yourself. That's the caution I am trying to give you with respect to your reactions to what your husband is doing. I commend you for turning to God. Remember God's promise in Romans 8:28....it's true.

Now let's spend a minute on your husband. He cannot serve "two masters," so this statement does not "mesh;" "He is studying/interning to be a chaplain, and I don't know how he meshes that with his daily activities."

"Thou shalt NOT commit adultery" is NOT a suggestion. It is a command. IF God is his LORD and Savior, then he does NOT have a right to choose to disobey God's direct command. If he does, he is NOT fit to serve in ministry. He can try to fool himself all he wants, just like Adam did, but the reality is that God MEANS what He says.

Someone needs to be counseling him and to be an accountability partner with him. The "model" for all of this begins with Matthew 18:15-20. The "circle of knowledge" of the sin is kept as small as possible, but how small is dependent upon him and his willingness to repent of the sin and to follow God in humble obedience, not willful disobedience.

IF that is "presumptious," then so be it. But it is Scripturally correct, and if God is the LORD, then God sets the rules, not us. Your husband should know that, but sin IS blinding in it's enticement and justifications.

So, Counseling is NOT optional if he is repentant and wants to recover your marriage. You both need someone who can be there, face to face, with you to help you through all of this. Do not make the mistake of trying to "do it yourself." It's going to take some major "soul surgery," and it's not a good idea to attempt surgery on ones' self without some help from someone who has the knowledge to help when you might want to "stop" because it "hurts."

God bless.

FH - ty for your input. I do not disagree with anything you said.

It is my prayer that we will get to a point where counseling is something he will do.

Right now I am feeling so weak and I just miss him terribly and want him to be HERE. I don't know how I can go through so many feelings in one day.

I need to get out and make some friends or something. I am totally isolated and have no one here and the loneliness of this empty house at night is getting to me.

The nights are always harder; it would seem that courage offers itself up to me during the day, only to sneak away and become irretrievably shadow-bound at night.

::

I will be ok; I will be ok.

I will be ok.

I will cling to Romans 8:28 tonight. Ty for the reference.