botis,

You're not alone. But you'd almost never know it. It's like it must be even more embarassing than impotence, or something. Do you have any idea how many Google searches I did before I found this place ... and I do web stuff for a living, and know how to find things.

In my case, I'm the one who stays home (my office is in the basement), and my wife is anything but lazy. And she at least says that she wants to lose weight, although she's been known to sabotage herself. I'm convinced that the problem is mostly a matter of too sedentary a lifestyle ... we generally eat a decent diet.

So with me working from home, the chances of me having an affair are pretty much zilch, which is pretty much a good thing, IMO.

Hang in there brother; I hope that you can eventually find the right lever ....

Your wife most likely feels you should be happy with what you have and stop fretting over what you don't have. I know that is how my husband feels when I complain about his TV addiction. He feels I should be grateful he isn't addicted to alcohol, drugs or other women. I can see his point but I also understand how difficult it can be to need something and not have that need satisfied by one's spouse.

Something you might not have considered is that your wife is likely getting validation from other men that she is great just the way she is. I"m not saying she is cheating on you but rather there is likely men that tell her she is great. I'm 5'5" tall and weigh 210 pounds. I work primarily with females but there are two men right now who are interested in me. I'm not crossing the line with them but I'm quite aware if I were to choose to cheat, I wouldn't have trouble finding a partner.

I agree with you that your wife's sedentary lifestyle is likely the problem. Have you considered taking up dancing? Most women love to dance and are quite motivated to do so. It is good exercise. Also I find that women who dance regularly kind of catch the bug of wanting to look better while doing it. It might be just the thing to get her starting to exercise.

Symphony,

Well, I can't answer them all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And most of the advice, so far, is pretty much stuff I'd do anyway. Some I'm not sure I *can* do, and some I have to think about.

Didn't seem to be much point in replying to those posts.

What has been invaluable, however, was finding someplace where I could even speak of this at all, and finding a few kind souls (like you!) willing to listen, and attempt to help. Sounds silly coming from a grown man, but there it is.

Just that alone has made me a

---- Somewhat Less Miserable Hubby

p.s. I lost a friend today. I'm posting this image in his memory. The boy is three years older now, but Riggs is no more ...

Oh my ... the divide between the sexes is truly something isn't it? I get that you just don't get it, or you could never have said this.

From my perspective, our marriage is currently a hollow shell. The guts have been scooped right out. If I am not attracted to my wife visually (and men are visual creatures, no?) then I have no desire to have sex with her, so neither of us get any sex (and she gets guilt AND rejection too). No desire means no "romance", and expressions of affection are few and far between, so we're both missing out on many of our most important emotional needs ... the very things that one gets married *for*.

This situation is truly horrible ... and because you are female, you can't see it. *Try* to see it.

For my part, I have to admit that I am struggling with the advice from many here that basically says that I should shower her with love and affection in order to affect a change (or at least have a chance to affect a change) in her behavior. It's not that I wouldn't want to ... I'm just not sure that I *can*. I do think they are basically right though .... since *she* is female.


Could be, but this probably just says more about the general horniness of men than anything else.


It's a thought, but a bit less practical than just making use of some of the exercise equipment in the basement, or going out for a walk. I'd also end up using a fair quantity of narcotics for back pain ... but it'd be worth it if dancing was what she really wanted to do.

Miserable,

The URL didn't work to see your dog. Again, I'm really sorry you have to deal with such a loss. Give yourself some time to grieve. A cherished family pet is a big loss.

One thing that is sticking out to me in your posts is that you KNOW what you should be doing and you are seeing that there are things you COULD be doing but you struggle knowing if you CAN. Man do I get that. It's really hard to give something and not get something that you want in return RIGHT NOW. It's hard to give more when you feel like you are getting less. It's hard!! It doesn't seem fair and I personally don't think it is BUT From my own experience I have to say it does often work. The main keys are PATIENCE (loads of it) and perseverance.

I wasn't getting much of anything from my M but after a couple of years of real work on changing myself, my convo style, my attitude, I am seeing change in my M. H is changing slowly. We used to not even be friends and even to say roomates...well we shared a roof and sometimes a bed. Now we ARE friends. Of course, I would like the whole fairytale package but that ain't gonna happen. I have friends here to remind me how important patience is. Some of the guys and even the ladies have given me insight into how H might be thinking and feeling and that gives me better understanding of him, our sich and what I can do.

MB- You are here, you have to do the work. WE can't address her, if she were here we would. You are. We will help you the best we can.

MB- You can't change your spouse but you can change yourself and that will change the environment in which you live and often bring change in your S.

MB- You are the one learning about the MB concepts. You get to go first.

For every time someone said I had to go first it just about killed me. It was my H who wasn't engaging in the M. He was the one who did the damage to our R in the beginning. He was the one who needed to change! I wasn't perfect but I was trying my hardest to be my best. It wasn't fair that I had to try even harder and not expect change from him. WELL I have to say, me "going first" and making changes IS what brought change to our M. I learned how to better communicate with my H. Even if I was doing it "right" before, it was WRONG for him.

I want to ask you some personal Q's. Before marriage and early on how was SF with your W? Did you have it on a regular basis? Was she interested in SF? High-medium-low drive?

The reason I ask is this. I do understand how you feel and it's possible I undestand your W too. My H and I had really great sex before M and after when it went away I tried everything to get him interested and suffered some pretty severe rejection for a year. Talk about depression and a real self esteem killer. After that I really had to shut myself down sexually because I wasn't going to get what I craved and couldn't take the pain of trying again. I really went into withdrawal and the body and mind has a way of protecting us. I went from a really high sex drive to none. I just didn't think about it anymore. I mentioned H and I are friends so there is still no SF. He doesn't talk about it and says he doesn't think about it. I hadn't been getting my needs for affection, Admiration, RC and UA met and I just gave up. I had to shut that part of me down as a way to survive. It was easier to forget what I needed.

H has always dated younger women. I don't think he's had a girlfriend over 22 (he was 36 when we got married). I've met or seen most of them. Typical thin, fit, young women. Talk about pressure. Talk about wondering how I would ever measure up to that.

FF to now. H started showing admiration and affection to me and my sexdrive started coming back. Can't fight nature. We've started spending more quality time together and I started to enjoy that time. Wanted to be around him more. He's kicked up the affection and my sexdrive has kicked in even more. Still we aren't having it BUT it has given me a reason to want to do more. It's made me see my roll in SF and weight loss. I now realize it's up to me to "fix" whats wrong. There is a chance that I can lose weight and H still might not be interested but it's a chance I have to take. I have to go first.

Knowing H isn't attracted to me is killer. It really does hurt and when I feel like approaching him I back off because of the fear of rejection and knowing I have some work to do with my own body and my own confidence. The difference is now I want it because the affection is there and I like it. I want it to go to the next level. He's now meeting some of my needs and it now feels worth it.

Am I making a bit of sense?

Another concern is your attitude. Yepp, your resentful and irritated. Of course. BUT those things, no matter how hard you try to mask them come out in subtle ways. You need to get your resentment in check. You need to focus on the ways you love your W and the things you can respect her for. Focus on the positive things and focus on a positive goal.
That will then come across in the way you think and the way you respond to your W. You have to swallow the fact that if you want change in your M you have to start. You have to go first and make the changes.

If you can eliminate LB's and fill your W's needs then you are in a position to be RH with your W and you have a WAY better shot at getting your need met. You can't ask someone to change when you aren't willing to have done it yourself. You have to eliminate the "but you!" from your vocabulary and your thoughts.

Maybe after everything it won't work. True, sometimes that happens BUT unless you try you will never know. You will be at a different place and you will still have choices.

Again, eliminate LB's, meet needs and then you are ready and the foundation is laid for RH and then POJA.

Has your W read the HN/HN book? Would she be willing to do that? How about the EN Q's? Have you both filled them out?

One last thing that was very important for me. I felt such internal pressure from H (not by his words but by the lack of affection and desire for SF) that the task of losing the weight seemed too much. It was such a weight on my shoulders that I just couldn't even begin to deal with it. After filling out the EN Q's I realized it wasn't that H needed me to be model thin or that he needed it NOW. It was the effort. Me eating healthy and exersizing regularily. The health aspect that is naturally followed by the benefit of losing weight is what mattered to him. Trying, effort. To see that I was going in the right direction. That took the load off, the pressure and the guilt went away and the fact that I could TRY isn't a heavy load to bear.

Symphony

I'm a fat woman. I was a fat child. I have lost and gained weight many times. Being out in the dating arena, again, the majority of men do not want "full" figured, plus-sized, fat women, etc. I accept that. I acknowledge that it really restricts my dating/marriage opportunities. I would be afraid of meeting a man during one of my slender times. My odds for maintaining that weight are not good...possible..but not probable. And, I would never want my appearance to disgust my spouse. I don't want them to "overlook" it. I want to be desireable.

Having said that, I've had more than a few men find me attractive, sexually desireable. I honestly don't get it. I don't see my body as attractive. But, I didn't see my body as attractive when I was slender either.

I was a teen in the "Twiggy" years. You know...when very slender was an exception. It's now the norm for models. And then there's the era of "Pinups"....women many would consider overweight, at this time in society. When I look at these two examples, I am aware that perception of beauty, desireability, sexuality, can differ.

MH,
You have never found your wife physically, sexually desireable. It's not that you've changed. It's that you've finally admitted it wholeheartedly. It's not that she's changed that much. You compromised your feelings back from the very beginning to not seem like a jerk, or shallow, or whatever. As you can see on this site, there are many who now label you as such. So, the concern, or "fear", or whatever motivated you to compromise yourself in the past, is here. Right now. It has happened. So??????????

Will you continue to compromise yourself because of others' opinions and values? That's still a choice. Will you leave because you find the lack of attraction and sexual fulfillment to be too great of a need for a good marriage on your part? The issue really hasn't changed. If you're here to get others' negative or positive feedback in order to make your decision.....you're still not dealing with the real issue. YOUR values, desires, wants, needs, feelings, etc. What actions or choices YOU make based on them. Not public opinion. That's what got you into trouble in the first place.

Obviously the issue is very much more complicated because of an innocent 5 year old you and your wife have created. Bottom line remains, however, what can you accept and what is unacceptable to you? You can't make yourself desire your wife. You can't divorce and have things stay the same in parenting your child. None of us can or should make that kind of decision for you. We don't live with the consequences. But, you must live with yourself...and any impact on your wife and child.

MH,

I think that we have offered what little help we have to give. I don't know what else there is for me to say.

Something has to change. You are not happy. I'm sure your wife isn't either. Two unhappy people seldom make good-stable parents. Your child will suffer in this situation if something doesn’t change. Do you show your wife affection in front of your son? Hugs? A kiss or two? A rub on the back as you pass? Don’t you think that your son should see this behavior modeled so he can get some idea how married people should treat each other?

Let's assume that you are not willing to divorce at this time. If this is true, I think you need to accept your life the way it is, for now. Treat your wife as you would a friend. Be kind to her. Let your resentment go, it will not help you at all. You will be bitter and angry and probably either self-medicate or be medicated professionally to combat depression.

If you stay, quietly steer your wife in the direction of an active life. Don't pressure her or judge her. You married a rather large woman because you found a wonderful person there under those layers, you need to find that woman again. I’m not saying you need to pretend to be sexually attracted to her. I’m saying that you need to find her core humanity and love that. Is she a good Mom? Respect her for that.

Whatever happens, be kind to your wife. When you are out at the grocery the next time pick her up some flowers. Express gratitude for the things she does that makes your life easier/better. Whatever else she is, she is the mother of your child, and with that title there is some responsibility on your part to try to protect and treat her kindly.

If she feels that you love her, she MAY feel secure enough to try to shed some weight. If she feels that you will only love her if she is thin she may not be willing to take the risk at failure. At least she knows at this point that you don't love her because of the weight, she doesn't have to put her self out there, and perhaps fail, and be back at the same spot. Finally, she has a reason now for your lack of affection, her weight. Maybe she feels that if she loses the weight you might not love her anyway . . . that there is something fundamentally wrong with her. At least in her fat state she has a rational reason for her husband being so unhappy.

This describes her to a "T". Also the way she feels about it.


Yes. And I've finally looked back, and really *thought* about it, and figured out what I was thinking that led us here. "Actions speak louder than words" ... when she dropped *almost* all that excess weight when we were dating, I really thought that it *proved* that it wouldn't be a problem anymore, despite what she said. Hey ... I'm a guy. We tend to look at what happens, rather than listen. I own that mistake. OTOH, I do NOT want to look at the marriage as a mistake. I want this to work, and the first step to that is, I think, understanding what happened.


Hmmmm ... but she has. In the last six months or so she's gained weight, which always precipitates a crisis for me. My reaction goes from tepid to terrible. There is definitely some sort of "threshold" appearance where it stops becoming just a "clothes off" issue for me and becomes an "I can't bear to think about this" issue. Right now, she's over that threshold ... I honestly don't know the specifics, because we don't talk about it, but I'd guess that she's somewhere between 90 and 120 pounds overweight right now.


I don't completely agree with this assessment. In all of life, in every situation, comprimise is ALWAYS there. I made a hopeful judgement based on what I knew at the time.

Where I have erred is in not dealing with the results, and yes, part of *that* is due to buying into the idea that what I (have come to openly ackowledge that I) needed was wrong to insist upon. Another reason for *OUR* failure is that in her heart-of-hearts, I think my wife has bought into that idea as well, and can fall back on that justification when weight loss is difficult. "He shouldn't ask me to do this! If he loved me it wouldn't matter!", etc, etc, etc, even though she knows it does, and it matters to her too.


To be honest, I'm not here so much for the advice (although I have to admit that I'm beginning to come around) so much as for the conversation, which is enormously helpful in clarifying my thoughts ... and the simple relief of being able to talk to somebody about the problem. Just that relief alone has been critical to defusing so much internal tension that I feel that maybe I can approach the subject again, without exploding, and leaving a big mess all around.

CN,

All good advice. Since the subject has already been addressed, I don't think I need to wait before reopening it.

Until recently, when this last "crisis" started, I have done all those little affectionate things.

And yes, our unhappiness occasionally come out in flashes of anger at small irritations.

No, I'm not willing to divorce, so the only path is pretty much what you suggest.

I am thinking that perhaps I ought to just go ahead and get myself on an anti-depressant ... it'd probably make me better company, which is going to be important, as well as just making the situation a little easier to take, for me.

That could be important, because even in the very, very best case, it sure ain't gonna improve real fast.

This is good advice. I have seen it work for many, many women and men too. Back in the "disco days" several of my sister (I have seven of them) got together with some friends and signed themselves and H's up for dance lessons. I remember watching them all dance at a family wedding. They moved great, knew all the steps and everyone was trimmed down and fit as a fiddle.

My friend was overweight and he had a mildly retarded young-adult daughter whose weight problem was causing serious health issues. The doctor said in another year she would lose the ability to walk. Dieting and other exercise programs were not working. She loved country music so dad started taking her for line dancing lessons. They loved it and were soon dancing 3-4 nights a week. They both trimmed right down and the dad, who had been widowed for years, got a cute young wife out of the deal (he met her at the dance place.)

In New England we have contra-dancing (it's a little like square dancing) and you NEVER see a fat person at those dances. The workout is great and so much more fun that other kinds of exercize.

MH, I am sorry to hear about your loss. A temporary AD may be an appropriate way to deal with the death of your dear dog.

But I've gone the route of taking an AD to take away that feeling of responsibility that your life has gone in a direction you don't like, and I wouldn't recommend it. You just get further away from where you are right now, knowing that your concerns are valid. A fulfilling marriage needs two active partners. Take the AD if you have a problem with depression that keeps you from resolving issues. But don't take them to cope with a life you don't want. Myschae posted an excellent response on Tama's thread about accepting your choices.

MH,

I cannot add anything to what has been said, especially from sages like Symphony of Life and Comfortably Numb. But I have followed this thread because I went through the same thing, except that my ex-wife was slender when we met and got married. I can understand your expectation based on her actions just before you proposed.

Unfortunately, I did not find this website or the books prior to my divorce and I sometimes wonder what if I had. I agree with the advice of meeting her needs and continuing to praise her and telling her she is attractive in order to create the environment she needs to change, although it seems to me like a lie and seems counterintuitive. In fact, as my ex was gaining weight and making excuses, I couldn't help slowly withdrawing comments and affection. I was aware of it and I was never disrespectful, but I thought (from a practical, rational, guy perspective!?!) that if I continue as if nothing was changing, then I was living a lie AND if she thought I noticed no difference, she would have no incentive to change.

So could I have done it the MB way? Not sure she would have bought into it because she gave me the old unconditional love argument more than once. Now I have a ten year old daughter who is borderline diabetic due to weight in addition.

So, the advice here may help and it may not. You can only change yourself, but for you to be happy, she needs to change. I say take what you've learned here and apply it and share it with her. Hopefully that will work. But if you are like me, someday you may tire of this stress. For your and her sake, I hope not.

I have a friend...she has gained A LOT of weight. The more her H hounds her or tries to help her, the more she gains.

I think one of the reasons I keep myself in shape is because the times I was heavier (During nursing school, after baby) he never flinched, never said a thing and continued to love me, tell me I was beautiful and sexy. Granted, we aren't talking about a ton of weight...probably only 30 lbs too much. Knowing he loved me regardless, made me want to present myself physically to him in a way that made him happy. It is a gift. Honestly, I didn't even know looks mattered to men that much until I read the 'For Women Only' book by Shaunti Feldhahn that someone here recommended. Now I don't let myself get more than 3 - 5 lbs above my ideal weight. Through Thanksgiving I gained a few...took them right back off. Over Christmas and New Years...I didn't gain a thing. It is now a conscious effort for me. I make sure I put me first and take care of me.

Dancing, I agree with Pieta! On top of exercise, it is an awesome bonding experience! H and I ordered a 'learn to Salsa' DVD and have been working on it. It is a blast, it is exercise (especially Salsa...it is fast paced fun!), and just as soon as he holds me to start dancing, I get this huge non-stop smile on my face, which he loves! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We have had a lot of fun with it. And it is one of the few things we can truly say was a first for both of us and that we learned together. I chose Salsa...next HE wants to learn to swing dance!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes!

I'm not explaining myself well. I do see it. I see it from both perspectives because I live it from both perspectives. Three years ago I contemplated ending my marriage because my husband wasn't meeting my needs for SF or RC. I felt I had done and said everything I could to get him to realize that not meeting my needs was destroying the love I felt for him. My marriage was a shell of a marriage. We barely spoke to one another. I worked 60 to 80 hours a week in order to stay away from home. I spent at least once a week and sometimes more out with my girlfriends. Truly our marriage was on its last leg. We didn't have a child at home to keep us together. What kept me in the marriage was I didn't want to leave him financially devastated and me leaving would have done that. His dependence on my paychecks left me feeling trapped in the marriage. I too considered antidepressants. I wanted to numb myself to the situation. Luckily in my case I finally realized that I had caused this situation as much as he had. My husband got scared I was about to leave and started to work with me to resolve the issues. We have resolved the issue of SF but are still working on RC and AS.


Exactly my point. You are telling her that you admire her but are not attracted to her sexually. There are most likely other men saying they are attracted to her sexually. She is probably thinking if these men who only want sex can find me attractive why can't my husband who claims to admire and love me? During my lowest point there was a man who kept telling me he would be glad to meet my need for both SF and RC. He was very persuasive. Everyday he would come by my office inviting me to this or that and telling me how much he wanted to be with me. I knew that he was only wanting an affair, but it was a boost to my ego that he was so persistent. Nothing came of this and my only point in mentioning this to you is for you to understand it is hard to motivate oneself to lose weight when there are people telling you that you are great just the way you are.


My husband also has a bad back and isn't in the least interested in taking me dancing. He too suggests I use the equipment we own and take walks. In fact I lost 60 pounds doing just that a few years ago. However what I hear in your statement is that you don't want to be a part of helping her lose weight. You seem to really just want to vent about it. That is very understandable. You have been dealing with this issue for some time and I know you feel you are at your wits end about it. I know you also want her to take the initiative to meet the need she knows you have. That is exactly how I felt about my needs for SF and RC. It is probably what my husband feels about his need for AS. However my experience tells me that the resolution to this issue involves the two of you working together and both owning up to their contribution to the problem.

Keep posting. I think the more you hear from others, the more you will start to see that you are part of the problem as well as part of the solution. It isn't a hopeless issue. At some point your wife may finally commit to losing the weight. The two of you just have to find the right combination of efforts that promotes that change.

I don't think you should lie to your W. If you don't find her sexy then don't say so. If you don't find her beautiful then don't say so. BUT do say what you can. If you think she is pretty say so, pretty hands, pretty hair, pretty feet, nice makeup, pretty laugh, pretty smile, etc. It's important to get the reinforcement. No one wants to be lied to.

Symphony

I think when a woman gets up around over 100 pounds overweight one needs to take another perspective. Her body is creating additional blood vessels and skin that will not go away even if she loses weight. Her knee and hip joints are being damaged beyond repair. Her pancreas and other organs are sustaining damage, especially her heart. For all practical purposes you have to accept the fact that your wife has a serious disease. It is not time to withdraw or get yourself some antidepressant because this is WAY beyond being about you and your needs, sexual or otherwise.

If your wife had a lump in her breast and could not deal with it--refused to confront it--would not even call the doctor--as a loving husband, on behalf of her, your child and yourself, you would step up to the plate and intervene. You would get on the phone and call the doctor--make an appointment. You would take the day off from work and make certain she got there.

A loving husband with a wife who is 100 pounds overweight needs to sit his wife down, look her in the eyes, take her hands in his and say to her: "You have an illness. I love you and I am going to do everything I can to help you through it. Together we will fight this and win." THESE are the kinds of confrontations that make marriages last a lifetime!

I don't understand people who are willing to be lied to.....not, in an intimate relationship.
to me, it's one of the most offensive things a (supposedly loving) partner could do.
but, interestingly enough, i had a conversation w/ a woman today who feels very differently, and that conversation has left me confused. so, now i have some questions of my own about how people view honesty and openness.

i felt that this woman didn't expect the truth from her husband because she used it to justify keeping her own affairs secret. she kept insisting that everybody lies and it would be much worse to tell someone something that hurt them.............well, that sounds compassionate enough... but, i say it is all about intent.

if you intend to hurt them w/ your honesty, that is very different honesty and openness.... and if you intend to shield them from your true feelings...that's not honesty and openness either.
H/O is my top need and i know that Dr.Harley advocates the policy of radical honesty for true intimacy.
i also know that that H/O isn't a top need for everyone.
but, i don't understand how you can build a relationship, particularly a marriage w/o it.

How do you feel about being lied to by your wife MH?
how do you view honesty and openness?
what if it is your wifes top need?? would you be willing to give her that?

do you know what your wife's top needs are?

Not to unearth an old topic in this thread, but I think everyone here is right. Assuming an otherwise healthy but obese person (taking out of the equation the obvious fact that obesity in and of itself is unhealthy for a moment), the only underlying cause of weight gain is calories in > calories out. As someone else listed, there are a number of contributing hormonal and disease factors that can contribute to weight gain and hinder weight loss. Metabolism also obviously plays into the mix, some people inherently burn a greater number of calories versus other people. Still, the basic argument, assuming no medical factors are involved, of calories in > calories out is a sound one and is generally the primary reason for obesity in most cases. All cases? No. Most cases yes.

Fluid retention, or edema as it's better known in the medical field, also has a list of known causes, the most common of which is too much salt in the diet, and for women specifically, PMS and/or premenstrual/menstrual cycles, and hormone therapies that significantly boost specific estrogen levels which in turn can cause fluid retention.

Well, you probably cannot build the theoretically optimal marriage without it. But then again, how many of us are candidates to build an optimal marriage? An optimal marriage requires that both spouses are basically healthy and well-adjusted. In a large number of marriages, one or both spouses have psychological problems. Those problems need to be overcome before the person is capable of entering into an optimal marriage.

The question then becomes, while the couple is waiting for one or both spouses to overcome their psychological problems (assuming that the person is even attempting to overcome their problems), is Radical Honesty helpful in maintaining the marriage? And even if it is in general, is it helpful as to every topic?

Now, I can imagine that some would argue that in those cases where honesty is detrimental to the marriage, then the couple is best off ending the marriage and perhaps remarrying later after the psychological problems are overcome. For short term marriages that do not involve children, I might agree with that view. But in long term marriages that involve children, it is not clear to me that ending the marriage is preferable to remaining in a suboptimal marriage.

Not everyone who has an affair gets caught or is wracked with guilt. Not everyone who gets divorced is happier. Not everyone who practices Radical Honesty gets a positive reaction. It may be that Radical Honesty improves the odds of a happy marriage. But it does not increase those odds to anywhere near 100%.

And all of the above assumes that emotional intimacy is a desired part of an "optimal marriage". That may be true for many marriages. But I know some people who are perfectly happy to have non-intimate marriages. Some people are not looking to share each other's hopes and dreams. They just want someone to split the chores and not have to sit alone at a restaurant.

I have some questions MH,

Before you proposed, do you know HOW your wife lost weight?
You have said that she told you up front that she had always battled her weight, do you know when that battle started? Was it before puberty, during, after?

I know that everyone here pretty much agrees that weight gain is caused by calorie in > calorie out. I am not one of those. My initial weight gain was caused by medication, which brought to surface improperly diagnosed medical issues. It has been a battle since. When weight started coming on, I stopped eating, it still packed on. That was 12+ years ago. I still don't eat much at all, the whole thought of calorie in> calorie out hangs out in my mind and I feel guilty for every bit of food or drink that goes in my mouth. I hate eating, I only eat anything at all when H is watching and insists that I need to eat something. This has just gotten worse and worse over the past year.

If your wife started battling her weight during puberty, print up some information on PCOS and Insulin Resistance, and read it with her. Ask her to make an appointment with her doctor to discuss having her hormone levels, her insullin, and her thyroid levels checked. Losing weight should not be a battle for any of us, and many many women have undiagnosed thyroid, adrenal, and hormonal imbalances. Have her take her basil temp every morning for a couple of weeks, to see if she has a low body temperature, that is often the earliest sign of thyroid issues.

It isn't unusual for people to just assume that we are fat because we want to be, or that we lack will power, or that we are lazy. That is so often not the case.

That said though, the best way to help any of the above mentioned medical issues is through exercise and diet. Weight training seems to be the biggest key to getting a body back on track. My 17 year old daughter was diagnosed with PCOS at age 14, in one year with no change in diet or anything she gained 50 pounds, and steadily gained after that, peaking at 240 by age 16. We eat a healthy diet(we follow the Insullin Resistance Diet), I tried to get her to exercise, we walked, we did aerobics, etc. It didn't help us to lose even a single pound. She decided to take weight training as her PE class this year, the class started the first week of September, she is now down 42 pounds, has dropped from a size 22 pants to a size 15. She has not changed her eating habits, which were great to start with, it has all been the weight training. We are now getting set up for her to help me here at home and pass on what she is learning in her class.