I have nothing important to say, especially currently while under the influence of Ambien, but need to make a post in order to save this thread to my favorites. Fait accompli!!

t&l

carnation

after my A both my H and I went through a number of periods where one of us could not STAND to touch the other... sometimes it was so bad I would feel like puking at the thought .. yuck ...I'm pretty sure my H felt similar and with more reason

Of course it was the emotional ups & downs we were going through ..which I suspect you & your H are going through - maybe delayed a bit with all the ending of 1 M & the new etc - and if I am very honest I also used it as an excuse to hit my poor H with.
That way it wasn't ALL my fault was it? But of course it was and it takes time to admit it to yourself.

I think tl has a good point.

if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, looks like a duck..then its probably a duck ...ditto for excuses.

My H & I both got the same advice from different places..he from here & me from my IC ...fake it until you can make it.
It did work for us but I don't know enough of your sit in detail to advise on that.

DONT LET IT FESTER THOUGH rng your H and let him know it was ok to be honest as it means there is a good chance for a good future together even if it did hurt..... but I would advise you both go to MC asap.

T & l -- Thanks so much for the morning laugh. Your phone conversation last night was um.... priceless. Glad I am not the only one who makes crazy blunders like that. Too funny. Thanks for sharing that.

A little background on the mess over here. I am...drum roll.... my WH 5 wife. Granted he is now 50, another problem, but yea, this guy has gotten around. Plus, numerous gf inbetween. He also used to be (he hates it when I say that) a biker. He rode a HD most of his life. When I came along, he sold it to change his ways.

When we met I was fresh out of an abusive marriage for over 25 yrs. to a very successful businessman - Saw a very good looking "bad boy" with the southern drawl to match and I was hooked. Since he had been with ..... alot of women and me being with only my xh, we were no match in the bedroom. I guess opposites attract and we have stuck it out ever since. kinda

He says he loves me for what is on the inside, which I take he is not attracted to me. (picture in MB photos taken last summer) He keeps saying I am a good woman !! Sounds like you are talking about your grandmother (which I am now and loving it !) Sometimes I just don't want to be a good woman, sounds like the kiss of death. I wanna be a sex pot. (sorry)

Thank you Not so you neek for the link. I definetly need to look it up after posting this. In fact, thank you so very much all of you for trying to help me out here. I thought for some of you who are not familiar with the sit. here I would explain.

So, I do not believe there is any underlying problem with him (not outruling it thou) but just a life of alot of girls flashing him... etc. It always came very easy for him... kinda hard to compete with a history of that. And, I am certainly no vixen. figures. hench the problem and the a with a younger ow. thanks again so much.

Best regards - Carnation

NSYN - WOW, thanks for the link !!! Alot of good ideas in there. Thanks so much.

Actually (I can't believe I am saying all of this, so much for keeping a low profile !) I can do all of the foreplay pretty good. That is really not the problem here. It is um..... well.... with the moving. He ends up saying to me -- oh, just lay there !!!

So, since he already knows what will happen, he really isn't that interested. I assume that is a big reason why he sought out a younger (alot) woman. Heck, any woman would be better than I am in that dept.

Now that I have scared away the man who was posting to help me, lol - see what I mean ?? The more I think about it.. he really doesn't lust me at all. Darn it.

Thank you so much for the link though. I think I need a video (lol) thanks again.

Best regards - Carnation (blushing)

I'm missing something. Why do you seek out a younger woman? Remember the OW in my sitch was younger but I met the SF need better SO...

What's age got to do with it?

I'd put in a smiley face but I'm using the QUICK REPLY option.

Later...

Wow! Past promiscuity AND emotional distance. I can't tell you how to solve it, but I will say, with whatever persuasive force I have in me, that this is not your fault. It would be a shame for you to keep beating yourself up for what he has created for and in himself, over a lifetime. The lack is not in you. That hollow place, the one that can't be filled, is in him. Quack.

t&l

Thanks for replying. Mimi, I suppose age really has nothing to do with it. I read somewhere on here describing an affair and I (IMHO) totally agree with it - For an affair to happen think of the Perfect Storm. All elements are there. All. At the same time. I feel some comfort in this meaning because I certainly can not stop the perfect storm! Takes some of the (some) blame off of me.

About a younger OW, age - perhaps they were just attracted phys. to them, etc... not sure. The older I get, the older I feel.

T & l - Thanks for replying. Very perceptive of you to zero in on his emotional distance. I suppose I am too close to the sit. to see it all. I do believe that was (is) a problem with him. Although, and he has told me repeatedly, that he never felt love before me. This I also believe.

And, I do believe that he was in love with the OW. At least he thought he was. This is all very confusing and hurtful to me. So, couple it with he fact that he doesn't lust me -- hard to feel good about it. But, thank you so much for trying to ease some pain here. Your kind words are so apreciated. Thank you.

Best regards - Car

Carnation,

I saw your picture and there's no doubt that you're an attractive woman. Your H must be aware that you are very nice looking.

I told my H a bit about your posts and asked for his male perspective and his take is interesting.


Are you saying that he doesn't want you to move at all and show enjoyment during SF? If so, it may well be that your H thinks of sex as something that is defiling and something that is done with woman he thinks of as impure. He obviously loves you, so maybe he feels if he feels lustful towards you, that this would lower you in his opinion? Is that possible?

After my H said this, I looked up the Madonna/Wh*re Complex, where men separate love from sex in their minds. If he's like this and he thinks of you as "good," he may think of the women he has sex with as "bad."

I googled it. Take a look and see if you think it fits.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/sexualproblems/a/madonna.htm

Are you attractive? do you keep in shape? Men are turned on by physical looks much more than women are. My Ex is a very pretty woman, we alwasy had an active healthy sex life. After she had kids she put on some weight, started dressing less sexy and my desire for her went away. I didnt stop loving her but I really had very little sexual attraction to her. I didnt understand it at the time, my sex drive remained as high as usual but not towards her. Eventually she lost weight and started wroking out again and my desire to have sex with her returned. I dont know about your situation but you might want to find out of you are physically attractive to him and if you arent try to work on that. It could be as simple as changing your chothing style and putting on some makeup.

What do you mean by this?

Are you dressing and acting "OLD"?

ATOMIC SPIN might be onto something....

It's important to work on your PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS not just for you H but also for yourself....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you so much for the replys.

Grownup - And, thanks for the compliment. And, for asking your h for his thoughts on it. I read that article on the link. Very interesting. This MAY be the case, not totally sure though. Thanks for sending it to me.

Yikes, I just can not believe I have started such a personal discussion on my sex life here. But, I really am upset with him, it and me. I so value all y'alls opinions on these subjects. Thanks again.

Grownup - I think he wants me to enjoy it, but 1) knows that I probably won't 2) my moving distracts him and brings me no pleasure any way 3) he wishes we "clicked" but isn't willing to do what that would take 4) now after the a, I have a VERY bad self image. and I mean bad. while I do want him to touch me, I don't want him to touch me.

Aspin - My WH is 50, I am older than him and the OW is 29. I think I look attractive for my age. This winter/spring I lost 25 pounds and was skinny. I felt good about myself on the outside, but not on the inside.

I think he is attracted to me, with love in his eyes. I really think the problem is me, I feel bad about myself.

Dang it... now I am crying....

thanks so much for responding

Best regards - carnation

sounds like you dont enjoy sex much, personally I have a hard time getting into having sex with a woman that isnt enjoying herself. Maybe you need to figure out what is wrong with you, have you thought about testosterone therapy? If a woman wanted to have sex with me but it was obvious that she didnt enjoy it that would be a major lustkill.

How often do you masturbate? Can you have multiples when you masturbate? Maybe you need to work on enjoying sex by yourself before you are able to enjoy it with him. Do you have any "toys"?

Well - that sounds horridble !!! Please do not think I am some kind of ego manic. Far, far from it. I just wanted y'all to try to get a good picture of what is going on with my M. Trying to describe me, him.... probably making it worse.

I do so appreciate all the help. Lord knows I need it.

Thanks again - carnation

Spin - yes to all questions.

Carnation

Carnation:

You didn't answer me about the AGE thing....

About what does that have to do with anything...

You have MORE EXPERIENCE than a younger woman...

I knew my H and what he liked better than the younger woman..

What is the significance of AGE to you?

Carnation, I feel so for you because I could have written almost everything you did. My husband feels the same way about me and it kills me. Granted, we aren't very far out from D-Day, but he says it's been that way for as long as he can remember. If I am honest with myself, I know that is true. It totally sucks, makes you feel like the lowest thing on the planet. I don't have any adivce, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

I hope I dont make you feel worse but Im tryin to figure this out and you said that you were older than him and while Im not saying that sex with an older woman cant be good from a biological and possibly subconscious perspective it is kind of pointless. Once you are out of your reproductive cycle that aspect of it is totally removed from the equasion and that is the strongest motivator for having sex, that is why men find some women more physically attractive than others, it all centers around reproduction. Sex with an older woman, while physically pleasurable looses all the animalistic drive and much of the passion. When my wife was pregnant I had a substancially lower attraction to her also, even when she wasnt showing, maybe its a phermone/hormone thing, but physically she looked the same and was very attractive yet I wasnt into having sex with her. Now that I think about it, buy some quality phermones and put them in a new perfume that you havent worn before, clinical studies proove that sex phermones increase sexual attraction. I dont mean to put you down but Im trying to find a solution or at least the cause of your problem.

I have never tried the phermone thing but I know that I am much more sexually attracted to my ex during certain times of her menstrual cycle than at others. There is a period that I need to try to avoid her because, now that shes my EX, I end up touching her way too much and it pretty much concided with her ovulation. Even tho I know she cant become pregnant, it is still a bad time for me to be around her. People are much more animalistic than we like to believe much of the time, I have learned that in the past few years.

Mimi - I am sorry I wasn't clear to you, or didn't answer your question. I feel in my WH case that he may have sought out a younger woman, or a younger woman may have approached him just at the right time. This I do not know for sure as he will not tell me anything about the A.

I am sure that it really does not matter what age your WS choses for an A, it would still hurt the same. I do know that him being with a younger OW makes me feel old. One of the sweetest things in life is to hear your grandchild call you grandma. I waited a long time for that and it was music to my ears. But -- after finding out about the A with Younger OW, I do have to admit that sometimes when they call me grandma now, it makes me feel old, where it did not before.

If he would have been with a OW closer to my age or his, maybe that would be confusing to me and hurt even more. At least this way I can say - hey, duh, he cheated with a girl half my age. I may be able to justify it in some tiny, teeny way. Maybe someone my own age would not make any sense to me, and even make me feel worse if he left me for someone older. I am really guessing here, because this is the only A I have had to deal with with him, and I know how much it hurts. I am sure any age OW would hurt regardless.

Maybe it has to do with his age. The old mlc. Although I have never really seen him have any signs of this - except the A. Maybe he chose someone younger to feel younger himself. I am sure this happens alot. Since I can not talk to him about any of this, I am grabbing at straws here.

I can talk to him about the sex though and I know what his reply will be. Everything is fine. Well, everything is not fine when he says how much it hurts him that he does not lust me. Maybe that was the reason for the A in the first place. This I do not know.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me.

Best regards - Carnation

Hope16, Thank you for responding and letting me know that I am not the only one feeling like this. I really don't know the answer either.

During the A and shortly there after, I was Plan A ing like crazy which included doing my very, very best at SF. It probably was not enough but I sure tried, and he knew I was trying. But now that some time has passed, I really feel bad about myself and old. I want to want him to touch me, but I really don't. I just want the pain to all go away and of course it won't. Especially in my case because my Wh will not admit to anything. So -- nowhere to build to and from. I knew this would happen.

Thanks for posting to me and did you click on the link You Neek sent to me ?? Pretty good suggestions in there.

Keep reading and posting here. It is a wonderful place to learn and communicate.

Best regards - Carnation