IT WILL HELP YOUR HUSBAND LUST FOR YOU IF YOU STOP, STOP, STOP FEELING OLD!!!!

This has nothing to do with age!!!!

IT'S ATTITUDINAL!!!!

The FOW in my sitch was 17 years younger than me..

My FWH wanted SF with me!!!

She gave him ADMIRATION....

He continues to LUST after me...

Age-wise, I may be old...

Mind-wise, body-wise.. I AM A TEENAGER!!!!

DANG, WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT OR THAT TIME OF THE MONTH....

WHAT A RELIEF in the bedroom.....

Edited to add...WHATEVER ROOM YOU CHOOSE....

Thanks Mimi !!!! I really needed that. And what you say is true - about you. Not me. I do not know how to satisfy my WH at least in the way he wants me to. I guess him actually saying this to me... which he called today and actually said he was sorry and does not like to see me hurt and knows he hurt me.... but he can't take it back.. we both know it is the truth.

You said before that if we have alot of love that passion can follow and good SF maybe can follow too ??? But at the present time, I feel like crap. and I so thank you for trying to help me. I really do not know how to fix it. How to get confidence that I never had, nor the means to do what I would like to do. I feel so inept. (SP)

My son sent me a gift card to B and N, I think I know which book to get now !!! Thanks so much Mimi.

Best regards - car

arghhh....

Car:

Actually it is GREAT that he is being OPEN and HONEST with you...

Ask him WHAT TURNS HIM ON..HOW HE LIKES FOR YOU TO DRESS...

He has OPENED UP COMMUNICATION WITH YOU...

Don't shut this down..keep the lines of communication OPEN...

You will be attractive to him once YOU BEGIN TO THINK of yourself as being ATTRACTIVE...

What makes YOU FEEL SEXY and NOT CRAPPY?

I have tried to post this 3 times. Hope it works this time.

Mimi - I really do not think he said it for me to hear it. Kinda under his breath like to himself but I heard it and he knew I heard it. But we have talked of it since and he feels bad about hurting me. So yes, that can be a start. Hopefully.

Ever since finding out about the A, little by little, I have not felt sexy at all. I keep comparing myself to some unknown person and figure he compares me too. Not that before the affair things were any beter,but they were for quite a while, before the problems leading to the a. I guess there was a very short window of time where I felt sexually compatiable with him, do not know how to get to that place again. I know you can't go back, maybe I could get to a better, different place. But, I can't do it myself. He is really going to have to help me feel better about myself. Right ??

thanks so much, Mimi for helping me. You really have made me feel alot better, really.

Spin - why the sigh ?? Here you were trying to give me good, sound specific advice and I am off in la la land. sorry for not responding sooner. I have heard or read about those phermones. I will look into it. He says everything is fine, but he is a conflict avoider. I think what he means by that is that he is not going to leave me !! Well, there is alot between fine and him leaving. I don't know. I am really stumped and feel quite unlustful !! thanks for replying.

Best regards - Carnation

Car:

What's your plan?

I don't want you to just FEEL better.

I recommend that you work on this.

Your H is telling you something important, under his breath or not, that it's important for you to listen to. Don't you think?

Identity jack in progress.................


Even the keenest blade of Toledo steel will lose its well-honed edge if carelessly abused. Your husband, IMHO, has taken both his imagination and his desire, and dulled their edge by, (shall we say?) overuse, making it harder for any one woman (unfortunately, that would be you, in this case) to meet his exhausted expectations. I still stand by my position (and I'm not moving, either!) that, however willing you are to help him, and how able you eventually prove to be in this worthy endeavor, the problem is his. This isn't happening because you're too old, too crappy feeling, too insecure, too fat, too skinny, too anything. Help him, by all means, if you want and choose to do so. But don't blame yourself for something you didn't cause, and for which you are not personally responsible.

t&l

Ooops.

I missed that Car is WH's 5th wife...

My viewpoint on this has changed..

Mimi - What is your viewpoint now ? I know this is confusing as they usually are. Please expand on this for me.

Being wife 5, I feel that I have alot to live up to,so to speak. Yes, the man has been around. In looking for a mate who was the exact opposite of my xh, I fell for him instantly and was taken by his looks and charm. I thought I would just have a "bad boy fling" but it ended up more serious. But, I do believe now he has committed to me and he does love me like he has loved no other. This is what I have to work with.

I am just trying to be as open and honest as I possibly can in order to get some help on these issues. I mean, my gosh, I have totally spilled my guts on my entire love life here. In order to get some advice. I guess I am still at square one that he does not lust me. And, because of this, I am afraid that he may seek out another affair. Please help.

Thank you for taking the time to post and help. I don't know what else to do.

Thanks again.

Carnation

T & l - Thank you so much for responding. Your kind words mean alot to me. But, I just can't stop blaming myself for the lack of lust on his part. I so see where you say he has set of high standards and it is hard for me, nearly impossible, to compete with that. This I know.

I do love him, he is my husband. I do believe that the affair is over, not totally sure, it will always be a lack of trust now, which I had never ever believed that he would do this. I am just trying to get to a level of passion and intimacy with him that I now believe is unobtainable. Mainly because of my lack of .... um... performing in the bedroom. So, I blame myself. I understand that some of this is his fault, but not totally believing it.

I am an extrovert, (I think that is obivious !) and will discuss anything about me, anything until it is been totally devoured. I hold no secrets and am tyring my very best to be a kind, honest person and hold my life up for review and help. It is all I can do right now.

Thanks so very much for responding.

Best regards - Carnation

Did you mention what makes YOU feel SEXY?

Why wouldn't he lust after you?

I don't believe for one minute that he never did LUST after you.....

I will go back over this thread and see if I missed something that you have had to say..

For one thing, I think it is important for you to stop thinking of this situation as being HOPELESS...

Mimi - Thank you so much for replying. I do not know if I have ever told you this, I have been here for one year now, any way - the nickname that my Wh calls me and always has is Mimi !! It was a childhood nickname of mine, a distant variation of my real name.

As of late, the only people who call me this is my parents and my WH. He heard them call me this years ago when they were visiting us and it stuck. If he calls me by my real name, I know he is upset with me. He almost always calls me Mimi. I am listed as such in his cell. Just wanted to share that with you. I bet I made your day - lol !!!

He may have lusted me in the very, very beginning. But that quickly changed when he had actual SF with me. I just don't get it !! Seriously, I apparently have more issues than I am aware of.

You are right. This may have openned a closed door for us to talk about. Maybe if HE would go the extra mile for me... I could respond. And... with the legacy of the OW fresh in my mind and probably his.... I do feel crappy. So sorry to keep repeating myself. I am really trying here to get some relief in what is happening in my M.

Thank you so much. I think you should know how grateful I am.

Carnation

I really wish that more men would resond to my questions. I think that could be very enlightening.

Apparently I have turned them off too !!!!! lol

Thanks again, car

The reason that I keep asking what makes YOU feel sexy because it is all about YOU..not about him or the OW....

Don't wait for HIM to respond...

Don't worry about what SHE may have been like...

HE probably doesn't even remember..

From what I have learned from reading and from my husband, it's about the MOMENT with a MAN sexually. Other men's viewpoints may be helpful here. They are EXCITED about YOU wanting to be with them at THAT MOMENT.

So when he is with you, he is not thinking about HER or comparing YOU to HER..HE is focused on that moment of PLEASURE. The same should be said for you..the moment of PLEASURE....with YOUR MAN..

IT'S YOUR SHOW!!! As Pep coached me when I was at your stage, FOCUS ON WIPING ALL TRACES OF HER OUT OF HIS MIND... Since he LOVES YOU, YOU are FULLY CAPABLE OF DOING THAT...

BUT...YOU NEED TO FEEL SEXY..That will make you CRAVE SEX FROM HIM and IMO, that will make him LUST FOR YOU..THE FACT THAT YOU WILL WANT HIM...

I would say that this is different for different women..

That's why I ask you: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL SEXY?

I don't think that you have answered..

For me, I listen to certain music that makes me think of my H, I light candles, I use certain body washes, I put on certain outfits for him, I wear my favorite cologne..it's different on different days...

However, I always do the basics of lotion, makeup, lipstick, etc.

Do you see what I am saying?

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU and YOUR ATTITUDE about this....

Yeah, what mimi said. Sexiness comes from within.

Give yourself the gift of sexy (did that sound right?). Perhaps go to a day spa, get a facial or massage, buy yourself some sexy lingerie, get a new haircut.

If you are so hung up on age, I think it was the Dr. Phil show that had a bunch of 40- to 60-something women on there one day and they all got made over. I don't believe there was any cosmetic surgery or anything, just new clothes, hair, and make-up. You could have taken 20 years off any of these women (not that you needed to).

But do you get my point? Sexy comes from within. When you feel it, you look it. Like that Billy Crystal character on SNL "You look maaarvelous!"

Treat yourself to something nice and do it for you... not for him or anyone else. You sound like you need a pick-me-up. {{{Carnation}}}

Thanks so much Mimi. I have given this some serious thought, trying to take the focus off of him and her. Me, me, me. I am thinking maybe a bottle of wine, acutally I really don't care for wine that much, just sounds nice. lol. I am not a big drinker, do like M & R Austi, maybe some of that to get me in a sexy mood.

Maybe new lingere (sp) I have new flannel pjs and a couple of boxer shorts and matching tops, nothing slinky. Maybe putting something new and sexy on, something to drink.. shut my stupid mind off for once.... what do I have to lose ??

Should I have a talk with him about his feelings before this or just give this a try and if it doesn't work, then talk about what went wrong ??

I am really kinda faking it here. Don't know if I CAN feel sexy, but going to give it my best shot. Maybe get some books.

Thank you so very very much for helping me.

GBH - Thanks for replying and the hug. I do need it. I am going to give this a try. He won't be home for awhile and it has been a while since we have been intimate, so maybe this will work. thanks again.

Best regards - car

Hook 'em Horns !!!!!

Carnation,

Well, you asked for some guys to respond so I thought I would offer my opinion about this. I am thinking you are way off base on this. Permit me to list a few "facts" I think I know from some of your responses here (I have not read all of them so I apologize if I repeat what others have said).


1. You are W #5.

2. It is safe to assume your H has "some" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> baggage from the previous marriages.

3. It is also true, that he loves you, but does NOT lust after you.

Ok, that is all I KNOW. But, permit me to speculate based on what I "know".

1. Your H's previous marriages ended for reasons I don't know, but based on reading here for years and my own observations in life, there are several reasons.

a. He is/was not a good husband and did NOT meet his spouses needs.

b. He was an alright or perhaps a good husband, but his previous choices in W's led to them failing him. Suggesting that his previous choice in women was not good, and hopefully you represent his accumulated knowledge and lessons learned.

c. Your H has commitment issues is another possibility.

2. The consequences of the above "reasons" can be an inability on his part to get "close" to women now. Or it could be that he has lusted after his previous choices and he chose a W that was he was NOT as sexually attracted to but loves having learned his lesson to think with his BIG head rather than his small head.

3. With regard to your initial question he enjoys sex with you, and he loves you but he does not find you to be overwhelming as attractive as perhaps his "dream" woman.

4. He is still in withdrawal from his affair.

NOW, if YOU would be so kind as to look at my list NONE of the facts or speculations has a darned thing to do with you. NOT one single thing. It suggests NOTHING you can do or should do except for a few simple things.

The first thing you need to realize is that what he NEEDS in a marriage is not what you need. Further, given that you are #5 he may not be willing to throw caution to the wind and just LUST after you as you are with him, because it takes a certain vulnerability to do this. The next thing you need to realize is that if you lust after him (which is good in my book) and you seek sexual satisfaction and he provides it, then you are fine. He does seem to love you (apart from issues of the affair which we are NOT talking about at the moment). Just because he does NOT lust after you does not mean you don't satisfy him on many levels.

I learned here many years ago, if I want something from my W that she doesn't seem to be providing on her own volition, I NEEDED TO ASK. Yup, it is true about sex, and it is true about other things. We simply don't have the same needs and priorities on these matters, but we do on many others such as money, children, education, etc. In short we are NOT a perfect match, and it seems neither are you and your H.

The only difference is I have been married 30 years, so this can work.

My thinking is that you are worrying about something that has nothing to do with you. If it makes you feel better, dress up, wear a different perfume, smile at your H a lot, and ask for sex whenever you want/need it. I will remind you that THE biggest sex organ is the mind, and as you smile, as you are enthusiastic about things (yup even sex) I think you will see your H change. But, do these things for yourself, enjoy your life, your H, and your choices.

I think of all of the things you could do these would be the most important, but remember he is NOT you and while you two may be very compatible, you will NOT match up on all levels.

Finally, being a guy I have to admit I am jealous. You see most guys I know, and that includes me, do NOT have W's that lust after them, in fact the one they seem to want most is the pay check and help around the house. So in a funny (but not humerous way) you are on the side of most of us guys.

If you think I am close to right, read the advice most of the guys here are given when they complain their W won't initiate, or won't provide SF. It might be useful for you as well.

But, Carnation it seems to this guy the problem is NOT yours to fix.

Hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL