"i work around my house to keep myself focussed on something (i have completely redone the whole inside of the house from laying ceramic tile, refinishing hard woods, painting, you name it... i have learned alot) and it does help. "

Ok what city and state are you in I need some home improvement advice ??? LOL just kidding

Well I am glad you were able to do that I just let my home fall apart literally I didnt do a thing too depressed. Now trying to play catch up sucks its seems to be one thing after another...

I agree once a man feels some other man is interested in you or You in another man HE GETS a smack of reality... hey if I continue to act this way then she will be gone for good someday. HMMM me never thought of that(caveman talk)lol

Man he is a major conflict avoider and I wish I could tell you how to make him get off the fence.

I know lots of men that would rather be homeless then address conflict or face the results of thier actions head on... Hello men out there things will not just go away if you ignore them or dont talk about them.

My husband refused to go to counseling because he thought the other person would only take my side LOL um if he thought that then maybe just maybe HE IS WRONG and the fact that someone else may point it out may make it a reality that he should maybe address LOL NO NOT HIM.

Sorry no real help here but just making my observation/opinion known.

Cordelia- I was also so depressed I let so many things go around my house! And like you, I am trying to play catch up, but now w/ a new baby. Help!!!

Anewmojo-Interesting that you say that you keep telling your H you won't date until the divorce is final. That's what I told H also. I don't believe in it. We had been separated almost a year. I finally filed for divorce and told him I was thinking of going on a date. I never did and in reality spoke w/ the man only one time on the phone. Interesting enough that seemed to be what did it for my H.

I'm not advocating this, as it seems like game playing and that WAS NOT my intention. I was truly ready to try to move on and get out of this mess. I think that is what H saw.

In whatever case he seems to truly be trying now.

I know wife30 I just had my baby in Nov and did most of the home improving that I could get in before her birth.

I am now back to square one too tired to do anything with a child that feeds every 2-3hours lol the joys of motherhood. Now trying to arrange child care to go back to work or not if not it will be tight around here to say the least. I wish I was one of those that gets depressed and sleeps or works around the house me I do NOT sleep and sit around being a big lump of nothing.

I really have to give you credit for fixing up the house if I could only disipline myself to do thAt or throw myself into work but no,

i do have my moments of sitting around like a lump of nothing, part of the motivation is that what i thought was a joint decision to buy this house was in fact not and at every opportunity he will make the statement that he doesn't want the house, the responsibility, etc... and that WE NEED TO SELL IT... hmmm, he has lifted basically no fingers in the total remodel of this house, i like this house, and have put many many many hours of blood sweat and tears into it and have been making the mortgage payments for almost a year now so no i am not selling it. thank god i have a good enough job that allows me to be able to handle this! last night, i was a complete lump... first week on the new job and i was exhausted so i basically napped 30 minutes at at time the whole night and got absolutally nothing accomplished.

he has asked if i wanted to go out to lunch with him yesterday and that did not happen because he still refuses to give up the password for the cell phone and admitted that he had called THEM (yes the OW and some other FRIEND...) and that was it for me. he thinks he wants to end it HIS WAY... why would you continue talking to someone you are "ending" things with??? OW w/ OC he thinks that it is ok to continue having conversation with her behind my back --- he says it isn't behind my back because "he is telling me about it" are you kidding? i don't trust either one of them... and i know she wants him to move up there with her and that "she could make him sooo happy..." yes he is still on the fence and i am just staying out of it... someone help me here, am i wrong for demanding the cell phone access and that he does not talk with her unless i am on the phone (until i get some sense that he is trying to rebuild trust and has in fact ended things with her -- i think he is still emotionally attached to her because he makes comments that i don't talk to him -- it is kind of hard to want to carry on conversation when i think he is still doing the same nonsense...)

gotta go to the gym ... today is going to be a better day.

anewmojo,

No, you are NOT wrong to ask access to his cell phone, his email, and/or any other ways of contact with the OW. IF his desire is to save this marriage he should be OFFERING any and all information to let you know he is committed and make you feel safe.

Do you have a counselor or any kind of support? When you are dealing with crazy people, it is easy to feel crazy. Honey, you are NOT the crazy one!!! I'm glad you can keep the house regardless of H. He is dead wrong in his behavior, none of which is recovery.

Have you read the MB principles, the Plan A and Plan B? It sounds like you might need Plan B to retain any feelings you have left for him. Could you consider calling the MB counselors? I hear they are worth the money.

I'm sorry life sucks. Hugs,
J

thank you so much for the confirmation -- i keep telling him the same thing and he just makes excuses that he is not going to be controlled blah blah blah... i am standing my ground on this one. he will say nonsense like he just needs to move back in and claim this marraige because i am not going to change... i inform him that he is not moving back in and that i don't have much to say to him until he decides he is going to be 100% open honest and accountable.

i need to just stop saying the same things over and over -- he should be just volunteering this information to try to start to rebuild trust.

anewmojo,

Tell him you have no desire to "control" him but you do expect him to be committed and willing to show it.

Is he willing to take the following steps to do so??

Answer every question your spouse asks, with patience and love - even if he/she
asks it over and over and over again (and that WILL happen).
Never be defensive in your answers.
Truth - always.
Don't ever try to protect yourself from your spouse's rage (as long as it's not
physical or abusive).
Accept the anger as evidence of the depth of the hurt.
Your spouse needs to know that you hear their pain - let your spouse see that you hear it.
Don't expect your spouse to heal on YOUR timetable - respect that he/she has to do it
on their own - and this may take a very long time, and sometimes it might even
feel like it's going backwards (it'll turn around again eventually).
Reassure him/her of your love - repeatedly.
Give up all your privacy to your H/W as long as it take to re-establish trust
(including all passwords, computer logs, cell phone info etc.).
If any part of your affair occurred at your house, offer to sell it and move.
If any part of your affair occurred with a co-worker, quit your job and find a new one.
If you have ANY contact whatsoever with the Other Person, end it now,
completely and irrevocably.
Offer to set up counseling for the two of you and for yourself,
individually ( and follow through with it!).
Don't ever blame your spouse for the choice YOU made, even if you feel he/she
contributed to problems in your marriage - you chose to have the affair; you
could have chosen a different, constructive way to deal with any
difficulties in the marriage, without betrayal.
Read After the Affair by Janis Abrahms-Spring.
Check in with your spouse often, so that he/she never wonders where you are or when you
will be coming home.
Give your H/W every reason to trust you and no reason to think they can't.
Just because your spouse might not talk about it, doesn't mean he/she isn't thinking
about it - don't make the mistake of thinking that your H/W has put it behind him/her
until you are told that it has been (and they may have to try to put it behind them
more than once).
Don't try to sweep it under the rug.
Show that you will wait patiently to be forgiven as long as it takes to do it.
Understand that while he/she might forgive you, your spouse will never, ever completely
forget what happened and that a part of him/her being has been irrevocably
changed.
Your spouse will experience triggers that will take him/her back to the initial despair
- please be patient and understanding while they works through these - the
triggers will lessen over time, although they may never disappear entirely.
Your spouse needs to know that you deeply and truly regret your actions - not just
because they were wrong (by betraying your marriage vows), but because you
realize how selfish you were in choosing a course of action with no
consideration for how deeply he/she would be hurt.
Finally, you need to show that - no matter what - you will never, ever
do it again - that your H/W is now safe in your love.

And in the case of the OC, the spouse MUST be included in any and all decisions regarding that child, any communications with OP and/or lawyers, C or NC.

Is he doing any of this? Is he willing to?

He should be.

great post, Nerly!

"that he doesn't want the house, the responsibility, etc... and that WE NEED TO SELL IT... hmmm"

Ok that is a big red flag to me I woulddv suggest you get your self legally seperated from him if you can so that he cant touch the house. Is it in his name as well?

I see that as a way to lay out a plan to leave you and clean up the financial tangles... just an observation from the wording you used.

I agree!

you guys are so right about his wanting to get himself out of this financially and i need to fix a couple of things in my credit report and just refinance the house into my name -- he says he is willing to sign a quick claim release and sign the house over to my name but i still think he is financially obligated to the house as i would be -- he is so wishy washy from one minute to another, one minute he is talking about wanting to do this and that to the house and the next telling me that WE NEED TO SELL... i have been very clear, i am not selling the house. i have been paying the mortgage for almost a year now and i am not going anywhere!

you are also right about the list of things he should be willing to do, i think i am going to reprint and type them up and email them to him and leave it at that. it feels so good that i am not crazy for thinking that he should be willing to do all those things... his big thing is that he doesn't think i am going to change (remember i don't discipline the kids enough and don't keep the house clean enough for him... he grew up in a home where his mom didn't work a full time job until he was much older and of course she had time to keep up with everything for the white glove test ... my house is not filthy by any means, yea there are sometimes dishes in the sink, the bathrooms aren't always spotless, the laundry isn't always done, the kids rooms sometimes are a disaster but we do get back on it every week (their rooms) and they always have clean, ironed clothes to wear, they always have what they need for school and they both get good grades (one straight A's the other A's and B's and an occasional C) and i am the one who takes them to their doctor appointments, practices, etc... oh yea and he doesn't get enough attention. hmmm he also doesn't help with any of this other stuff, doesn't pay the bills, doesn't help with grocery shopping, doesn't help with the kids or around the house and wonders why i am exausted at the end of the day... he is actually just like having a 3rd kid -- except he can drive himself where he needs to go.

every conversation on the phone at this point he is criticizing me for something i am not doing with the girls or the house. our last conversation i held my ground regarding the cell phone records and said that we really don't have much to talk about at this point and didn't talk to him all day yesterday. wonder what today has in store...

today is going to be a better day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />