The last time my H and i went out for Recreational Companionship, I found the text message to the OW saying, I miss you baby"

SOOOO - how can i get him to, #1 - be willing to hang out with me - we used to have a ton of fun together... We hang out at home & have wine, but what if I want to go out and hang??

#2 absolutely enjoy his time with me & want to be with me.

# 3 How can I ask him to go out with me? If I do or should ask him out, should it be something we have always enjoyed doing or should it be somthing new & interesting??

Is it too soon for this since the last time we did - it totally blew up on our faces??

Alison, my 2 cents is that until the affair is busted up I would not encourage dates between you. He will see it as desperate/clingy I think - it violates every 180 approach rule / Dobson principle / Donald Harvey principle I can think of... is it Plan A? I don't know. I would let HIM come to you about going out, then I think going every so often is okay. He's having an affair, not much you do will be taken in a good light by him right now. JMHO.

MSA

Okay, that is fair. But now I MUST go get the books. i am not too familiar with the 180 approach. Do you know of any threads that may be able to clue me in on it??

Desperate at this point!!

Allison,
Did you confront him about the text message? That message IMO is a dead givaway of an A, either E or P.

Read all you can about Plan A and Plan B. Work on yourself and be courteous and accommodating but not clingy. You need to find all the hard evidence you can and then confront and expose. Expose, Expose, Expose!!!!!! To everyone he cares about. What keeps an A going is the secrecy and the lies. Bring it ALL out in the open.

I am sooooo sorry you are going thru this. You are in the right place at MB.

Did I get it right that he denies profusely?

Blessings,
Tarehurts

Yes, Tare, you did get it right that he denies that anything is going on. He did not deny the text message, he said it was an inside joke and to call OW and ask her about it. KNowing full well that I wouldn't but of course he would say that...

I believe that the path I have chosen - which is to get more "hard evidence" and then I will expose expose expose.

Although, I have told all our family and our friends. I have not told his work ( I don't think I will) and I have not spoken with OWH. Before I do these things I believe I MUST have tangible proof...

Alison, it's early to do a 180 approach 100% (usually after Plan A & Plan B?) but there are things you can glean from it that are off-putting to a WS.

The 180 Approach

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from their family members to convince them they are making a big mistake
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

OMG - So basically I must become a mute!! LOL - just kidding. Now - how does everyone know that I follow him around the house when he is here. LOL - Just teasing.

Thanks - I will try to put some of those into play. I know that GOD is going to lead me through this. I know He will. He just needs to shake the SH*T out of my H!!!!!

Thank you for your continueed support. I have so many questions, and feel I am getting so much help, support, and guidance here!!

BTW - I may be staking him out tonight with the video cam!!! I will let you know!!! Would have to get DD out of bed - she will sleep in the car, but she is so young, thank God, she will never remember!!!

Allison,

I did about the same things as you when I suspected my H of having an A. (I am completely convinced that he had only an EA and is sometimes sitting on the fense even now) They all seem to deny deny deny ANYTHING inappropriate.

Mrs. Stow is right in her list of do's and don't's, but I think (at least for me) it is a very difficult task to meet them all when you are in a state of complete turmoil and devastation. I did better at these several months down the road after D Day but at the beginning I was a COMPLETE CRAZY WOMAN!!

You are on the right track however, and seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Keep plugging away and don't hesitate to post and ask for help. It was (and still is at times) a real rollercoaster ride for me.

Blessings,
Tare

BTW Alison, my WH said the very same thing. "Call her and ask her if there is anything between us!!" -----knowing full well I wouldn't do that. As I've read on this forum time and time again "Uncanny how they all say about the same thing"

Blessings,
Tare

It's a long list isn't it? But a good one I think - even in Plan A I think a lot of these things are important - you don't want to look weak or desperate or needy or clingy.

A sample message to him:

"I love you, I want to work on our marriage, but I will not be part of a painful love triangle. You say there is no affair. Don't lie to me (look him RIGHT in the eye when you say that!), we both know you are involved with 'name', and whether you admit it or not your relationship with her is affecting your feelings toward me and our marriage. You are going to have to make a choice, I will give you some time to decide, but at some point my patience will run out. Up until this point I have been in shock at your unexpected behavior, and hurt beyond belief at the thought that you would cheat on me and abandon me and DD. I now see that I have not handled everything in our marriage or met your needs perfectly and I am willing to work with you on those areas. In the context of a MONOGOMOUS relationship, a marriage. I have gotten a grip on myself and my emotions, and I am going to rely on God to carry me though this most difficult time. DD and I will be okay with or without you; I realize that now. I want our marriage, I want our family. But I will not wait forever."

Something along those lines, very Dobson-esque, I know... that doesn't mean you don't Plan A when you see him, avoid lovebusters, and be sweet as pie. You can be sweet as pie and not having sex with him, know what I mean? He's cheating. He needs to stop that before he gets all of you. Beware, he WILL sit on the fence for eons probably, and you probably will have to go to Plan B at some point - but it's way too early to worry about that yet. One day at a time.

Just be safe if you stake him out and you have DD with you. Don't be all crying and outraged and stomach churning and driving in the dark in the rain and make us worry about you!!! Is there anyone that can go with you? Or watch DD so you can go alone?

Do not confront them if you see them - play it cool, drive up, get your video, drive off.

Gosh - if I could just read that to him... I don't have anyone to help me here with DD. At least not this late. I wasn't even going to try to catch "them". I was going to video cam their cars in the same place... I figure - baby steps. This is how God is telling me to do it. I have to trust him and I have to trust myself...

BTW - I asked him for the extra key to his car and he just gave it to me. I said, since we weren't living in the same house that we both needed each others keys in case something bad happened -- oh and something bad IS going to happen when I get the truth!... HAHA - silly H - your AS* is grass!!!

Sorry - in a wierd mood this evening. feeling a bit confident for some reason. Maybe it's MB and all the support I am getting, but darn it I feel GREAT!!!

You're running on adrenaline...it is getting caught up in the drama of the A. I think it is pretty normal about now. You will have many ups and downs before this all plays out. It can be quite a rollercoaster ride. Usually when they want to separate it is so he can spend more time with OW.

I wouldn't doubt that he is with her tonight. It can be difficult to catch them though. They may have met someplace and taken one vehicle....should be interesting.

It may be a good idea for you to stick with one thread and just let your story be in one place. Try to use the thread where you introduced your story, update it and then continue. Then when people read they can easily go back and get caught up. I believe you can keep changing the title of the thread when you want to get attention about something in particular you need at the time...or some new turn of events.

Thank you - I was wondering about the thread thing. I wasn't sure if I could change the title and I have so many questions, I feel like I am abusing the site, but I really am feeling desperate and don't quite know what to do...

Anyone know how to chnage the title on a thread??? So I don't have to keep posting questions???