Stay very, very calm. He is angry because he is guilty.

If you check and the food was bought there, then he was there, but in someone else's car.

Alison, we need to have a strategy session here when your H leaves.

When you are staking him out, it is REAL IMPORTANT to not announce to him that you are staking him out. That defeats the entire purpose.

Post deleted by sickofthis1961

Okay he just left and he was mad. i just cried and said it is too hard being a mother by myself and having to deal with the health issues of my family. I said you are my husband and I rely on your for support and I couldn't find you... I panicked...

He is mad because when i couldn't find him, I called his parents - they are the closest kin, so if DD is ever in trouble and H is away I would call them... He said they called him screaming - OH WELL!!!

OH LORD - no what - i think i may have blown this one... Please lead me on the right path!!!!!

He is mad because I did not tell him that I staked him out, but when he said he was at 2nd place I said again Where are you??

I told him goodbye.

LORD I LB'd all over the place...

PS: funny thing. his order was placed at 928. i got home from checking the place at 920. is that fishy?? And yes the food was from there and yes the bank debt wad from there as well.

He probably was there in a different car. I must admit, I truly was looking for either his car or his guy friends car. I did not look hard enough for OW's car. darn it!!!

Allison,
When you called his parents, did you tell them he is having an affair?

Alison, the idea is not to notify him that you are staking him out. Now his guard will be up and he will just be sneakier in the future. He probably was with the OW but we won't know now.

I just don't know what else to tell you. I don't think this is going to work.

You're doing fine. Stay on to him. THIS IS EXPOSURE..

Allison,
Are you ok?

Melody, I did not in any way notify him. I asked him where he was 2 times - he freaked!!! I feel that since I could not get a hold of him at the first restaurant (I called there because I was panicking about DD high temp). so I feel I had every right to question him about 2nd restaurant.

He is madder than mad. He hates me, and I feel like I almost don't care because I cannot take his lack of respect and his dishonesty...

He did say that I questioned him because I thought he was somewhere else with someone else, and because I NEVER lie - I said yes - that was definitely on my mind...

Listen guys - I am trying very hard here. I am not trying to make excuses, but I have a ton going on and I cannot help getting a bit freaked out and panicky. This is my life, my future, my love. I am just doing the best that I can..

I love you all for helping me. Please do not stop. I need it so badly. I know that I make bad choices sometimes, but I will learn from them.

I am not sure. I think I really may have done it this time.. I don't think I can handle his betrayal and his anger and his lies.

I am not sure how I feel. I am sort of numb. Part of me says just let go - you can and you will have a better life. But another part of me says fight for this, fight for you and him and your daughter.

I cannot make up my mind. I know that I push him away when I panic. But I AM TERRIFIED, so i panic...

I am calm now, but numb. I don't know what I want..

Alison, does he not KNOW that you were staking him out? Did you not call him and question him? THAT is what ruined this plan and tipped your H off.

And if your DD had a high fever, why were you running around town with her?

Alison, this will never work if you are going to abandon your plan at the first frantic feeling that hits you. You ruined a perfectly good plan for no reason. If you want to save your marriage, you have to CALM DOWN and stop bouncing off the walls when the spirit moves you. Otherwise, this is hopeless. Do you understand? Hopeless.

Alison,
If he had nothing to hide, he would not be mad.

So, in your gut, do you think he is having an affair?

If you do, what are you going to do about it?

Did you tell his parents?

I understand. Please remember, I am a rookie here, and I really have no idea what I am doing. He has no idea I drove over there. I did make up a lame excuse about driving DD around, but maybe he bought it (maybe). I don't care. I don't know what I want anymore.

His anger has really hit me hard tonight and I feel sad and I feel I just want to give up. I will wait for God to tell me what to do, but LORD hurry!!!

I told his parents the night I found the text message. That was the last straw for me... They are very angry with him for leaving his family. They know how I feel and that I feel that there is another woman. I seriously have exposed to a lot of people, I promise, but maybe not the important ones... Not sure...

PS: he asked me tonight for his 1/2 of the checking account and I told him that the actualy day we were supposed to split it 12/7/05 that I would get a certain amount and That I would not be paying for his apartment, and all the other stuff that is in the separation agreement. So basically - the account is about 1/2 what it was on 12/7 and he wanted his share and I said based on what we have in there now, you will get this amount. He got mad and told me to just keep it all... HUMMM - Do I change the online password and take him off the account or do I give him some money. -- He can't pay rent if I don't...

OMG - That is really mean, but I feel like I have to play dirty...Darn - I guess I threw plan a right out the window after tonight...

Alison,

It will be ok. You'll have another chance, (unfortunately). And if he becomes sneakier, then you'll have to, as well. Don't beat yourself up over this. You are in pain with good reason. We all react differently to these situations. Just remember, you are doing the best you can right now, with what you're having to face. As time goes on, it will get better!

Take care, and I'll pray about this!

Jennifer68

Thank you Jennifer. Is it too late to think about calling the guy he was supposed to be out with??? Or have I ruined that as well???

Please keep sending prayers - I need all I can get!!!

Just wanted to let you know that all of us BS have been throught exactly what you are going through now. Don't feel bad about checking up on your spouse especially when you have every reason to. If our WS's would do everything that they can to regain our trust then it would be them calling and checking in every 5 minutes, instead of the other way around <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alison,

So why exactly did he come storming over? For what purpose? I'm confused.

Here's his version:
He's at a restaurant with his guy friend, just like he said he would be. A different restaurant, they changed their mind, no big deal. You call him freaking out about DD's temperature. So he offers to get medicine, "do we need to get medicine? Did you call my mom to see what she thinks of that temp?"

Oh, no. THAT would be his story if he were telling THE TRUTH. So he got busted, and comes rushing over to you because why??? HE is the one freaking out here! You stay calm.

I'll give you a visual that kept me sane during this period of my life. Picture your husband is in the eye of the tornado. Chaos just swirling & whirling all around him. (Yes, it's satan's chaos, in case you were wondering) - wind whipping around, lies, confusion, disarray, you get the idea.

And here's you. You are in one of those tornado-chasing vans with the expert weather-watcher guys. You're just driving around in your van, letting God lead the way, watching your H's chaos from afar. DO NOT LET HIM SUCK YOU IN TO HIS CHAOS. God is NOT the author of confusion.

The only difference is that back when I was watching the tornado, I didn't have the expert weather-watcher guys with me (hadn't found MB yet). You do, it's going to be okay!!!

MSA

This is exactly how it transpired:
he called me telling me he was at place #2
So I asked him again, you are place #2 right - I did that twice? - his car was not there.
He starts screaming at me. I said do not scream at me over the phone. If you need to talk, come home. I wanted to get him away from her if I could.
I got back to our house at 920, from place #2.
The food he brought over from there was a togo order which was placed at 928.
I said nothing of that.
Anyway - sorry rambling...
he came over yelling
"i can;t take this anymore. all the questioning. why in the ****** did have to call my parents."
I said, "I am terrified of being a new mother, I am by myelf and I couldn't get a hold of you. I needed help, I called your mom"

I did not mention that I was at place #2, so I doubt he knows that I am "snooping", but he is royally pissed that I am questioning him and ruining his night with OW...

That is why he came over = to try to prove to me that he was at place #2... I know he wasn't so that is more evidence. I just wish I knew where he was... I know he was with her though - I feel it in m gut. And I felt it today when I asked him to have wine with me this evening and he said he just couldn't...

SHOULD I: call the guy friend and ask him about the dinner??
Wondering what the heck I am supposed to do now.

This is where I wish you had a connection with the OWH. You could easily call him and ask if his wife is with him. It may be time to contact him. NOt necessarily tonight, but soon.

Just remember, YOU have all the time in the world. Nothing has to be done THIS SECOND. You can give yourself time to put together a plan. You need one.