You did very, very well. Don't call anyone else tonight. You need to relax. You caught him, but we don't know exactly what he was doing.

There is no other explanation. He is angry because he was caught.

Don't give him ANY money. This is a war, and you are fighting for your marriage.

Believe it or not, we have been through this. I caught my WH in bed with OW. Then I rushed back here to see what to do next. LOL.

You will have more chances. You've given him a good wake up call tonight. Give yourself a pat on the back.

So what time were you talking to him on the phone when he said he was at Place #2? Before 9:20? So you think he went there and got a TOGO order AFTER you got off the phone with him? Do I have that right?

I would not call the guy friend. You know he will either cover for your H, or be clueless. Either way doesn't help you; you know your H wasn't where he said he was. Just let it go and wait for your next opportunity.

I wonder, if you are legally separated, why does your WH even feel he has to tell you where he is? I'm surprised he even admits it's any of your business. Is it for DD's sake that he tells you?

And mojodiva is SO RIGHT, nothing has to be done this second. Breathe.

I am really scared now. My H is so extremely mad at me right now. I feel that if I did anything else right now, that he may kill me or completely cancel me out of his life.

I feel I may have done the wrong thing tonight, but he left her, so I feel better. Although she may be at his place right now. I almost want to go there to check but I kept DD up long enough...

I do believe that I need to contact OWH. I wish I knew where he worked... I do have the home phone - should I call him when they are on the trip to CA or should I just go ahead and do it now...

BTW - I am having trouble deciphering whether I am doing this to get the proof i need to be right or if I am doing this to save my M... Is that normal?? I am just so angry, and confused. What next??

Ok, I lost my post here. I'll try again.

Alison, you asked if you should call the friend, or have you ruined that, too. I don't think you are the one who has ruined anything. It's your H who should be worried about how you intend to respond to this, and the marriage after all the damage he is causing to it.

As far as calling the friend, I don't know the answer to this. The friend could end up informing your H, and another outburst could occur.

I'm not so sure I agree to all this detective work. It got me in even deeper to the situation, and caused enormous and overwhelming anxiety, with the false notion that I could control what was happening. It was until I realized that I could not control him, his actions, or the situation, that I found relief, by letting go and letting God.

But this is just me. I'm certainly no expert. Just whatever you do, proceed with caution. Take care...

(PS... I said that little prayer for you!)

Jennifer68

Well, let's see... how long has it been since WH left your house?

Refresh my memory, is OW separated from OWH? You could try their home phone; is she there now at home? Probably not...

You are doing this to end the A to save your M. In the event you decide you don't want to save your M, you are doing it so that you have the evidence of adultery you need in court for your divorce. But I hope you end up doing it to save your M.

I would NOT call OW's husband tonight. Either she was with your husband, or she wasn't. It can wait until tomorrow. If you call now, she may be home. You may have interruped the little tryst.

I would write the times on the calendar. You can still contact OW's husband in the next day or two.

Mrs: yes in the span of 1/2 an hour:
1.he called after many messages 9pm said he was at place #2
said he would check in in 1/2 hour.
2. i drove to place #2 (6 minutes away) - no cars!!!
3.got home around 920ish and he called and said he was at place #2 and he had to get his food to go. receipt said 928pm food was ordered. his car was not there from about 9ish to 915ish... FISHY~!!!

Mrs. He has always told me what he is up to. Just habit I guess. I think he knows that is he doesn't at least answer my simple questions ("cool, where are you guys headed), that he would seem sneaky??

Mojo, Mrs, Jennifer, & Believer, you guys are the bomb. I am breathing now. I did catch him doing "something" and that is what he is mad about. I think maybe I might be making it more difficult for this A to go on...

They have no idea who they are dealing with!!!

Mrs. H told me that OWH and OW are separated.

I am feeling better, stronger. I want the proof so that I do have the courage to expose. Until then, I think I am doing o?k? - maybe..

For being so new at this, you are doing just fine. You have exposed to his parents. And now they know that he was out tonight while your child was ill.

I'm sure there is something going on. I do think he was with OW. Don't know if they were at the restaurant, or if he went there after he talked to you. But I'm SURE you ruined his night.

Now try to get some sleep. I know this was extremely upsetting to you. The way your husband is acting is how they all do. They lie and are angry.

You still need to expose to the OW's husband, but I would give it a day or two.

Believer, thank you. Should I call when my H and OW are in CA or should I do it in the next day or two. They leave Friday at 10am...???

I am going to bed, but I have so much on my mind...

You are going to be fine. You are doing well.

Do things according to a Plan. Expose according to a Plan. Believer is right, don't do it on a whim. Do it according to your Plan.

[color:"purple"] James 1:2-8
Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.[/color]


Blessings, get some sleep,
MSA

Alison,

Now would be a good time to go blank, for a while. Take a break from this. Play some soothing music, take a hot bath, meditate on something pleasant, whether it's a mountain scene, waterfalls, or whatever it is you find as a resting spot. Some place where your mind can be free for a while. This really can help for sleeping! Which, I'm sure you're needing about now!

Jennifer68

Deep breaths and allow calm for yourself tonight.

Yes, I know its difficult. We've all been there.

I also understand the need to know that you aren't crazy and prove what your gut is telling you. My FWH was raising all kinds of red flags for me but was as cool as a cucumber until I had enough of feeling like an idiot. I placed a keylogger on my computer and got his passowrd to his email address. I was too chicken to check at first and gave him one more chance to come clean with me. We went to bed that evening and I simply asked him if there was anything he needed to tell me. I already knew about him looking at dating sites, but heck no, he wouldnt give it up. After he fell asleep, I checked his email accounts and my world blew up. Found out about his PA and ongoing ego-stroking affair AND another ego-stroking innapropriate relationship. I was devestated... but at the same time I was relieved to know my instincts were RIGHT.

I found MB that very night and used Plan A to get me through the next 48 hours. I confronted him within 24 hours because I am SOOO not good with secrets. I was 'lucky'- he caved as soon as I mentioned his OW's name and panicked when I asked him if he wanted a divorce. It wasn't what I was asking...it was HOW I was asking it that scared the ever-lovin' crap out of him. I was able to say it calmly and *seriously* and with no emotion. Absolutely diiferant from any other way I have reacted to his previous affairs. I was no longer a shrinking violet and he knew it.

I am mentioning this because I think its time you get a hold of yourself. You are a grown woman with an infant needing a stable mom. Its been a bit since he left the two of you. I have a STRONG feeling he knows that if he gets mad or in your face you will back down, beg and plead, cry and then wait for him to make decisions.

I have a STRONG feeling that he sees you in a weaker position due to having to take care of your baby and that he knows how much you want him home. Im willing to bet a big part of him is thinking he can 'always go back' because there is no way a woman with a baby can move on. Honestly, many men DO think this way. Would you believe my FWH once told me that he was glad I was fat because it meant I couldnt have an affair? These men (and WW, too) believe the DUMBEST things, you just can't grasp what is going on in their heads.

Promise us that you will use this evening to get some rest and in the morning focus ON YOU. Work with the MBers here and put together a plan that involves placing yourself in a position of power. You really have no clue how powerful you can be. Too many betrayed spouses don't see it.

I have too much adrenaline runnign through me. My eyes are tired, but my body and my mind are racing. I swear I want to badly to go to his house and see if her car is there.

I forgot to mention that I video taped the entire thing with a play by play of exactly where I was, where I was going, and what H told me...

I sort of feel like I really ruined my chances at a successful Plan A. What should I do? I do not think he would by it if I was all lovey again. Plan A was my plan, should I try something else?

Mrs...

AWESOME verse! This is where the REAL faith truly lies! This was a good reminder for me, when comfort is truly needed! Thanx!

Jennifer68

Yo have NOT ruined your chances. You have hit stumbling block by not knowing how to counter his wild overreaction (used to be a sure way for me to know hubby was up to no good). You dust yourself off and get back to it.

Your Plan A should be Plan Alison.

I agree with Mojo.

Ironically, once I stopped showing any emotion and "appeared", to not care anymore,(even though I did), is when he started to panic and STARTED to care. Weird.

Unfortunately, for me, it was too late. I eventually DIDN'T care anymore. Too much damage was done, and I could no longer trust him. I had 3 babies to worry about, and that became my main focus. I had biblical grounds to leave, and, eventually, I did.

Just do what's right for you! You have lots of support here!

Jennifer68

Good morning Alison,
I hope you got some sleep last night - how are you doing today?

MSA

Wow. I see I missed a lot over the last 12 hours.

Allison, I think you did great. There is no perfect way to do this. You now know H was lying about his whereabouts last night. You videotaped it, for Pete's sake. Good for you.

I would call OWH today, not waiting until H & ow leave for the trip.Keep the pressure on.

Your H is angry because the A is crumbling before his eyes. He is losing control of the sleazy fantasy he created. He is starting to see it for what it is. That is why he is acting out.

Stay calm. We konw how hard it is. He will put up a fight to try and maintain control. Don't cave. It's so hard. But, keep strong. We are all praying for you.

And, don't cave about the money/bank account. All of this was his stupid idea. Hand over only what the law says you have to. Is there a sep. agreement? If not, I would seriously question handing over anything. You have to think of your daughter. Have you checked your credit card statements? There will be further proof there of the A. That is actually how I found out oabout my H's A. He bought me a robe from Victoria's Secret, and when the bill came the charge was $200! Even at a ridiculously marked up place like VS, robes do NOT cost $200. That's all I had to confront him with, the charge. He admitted the whole sorry mess, had bought both ow & me stuff for Valentines Day Yuck!.

Hugs and prayers to you.

Alison -

The overwhelming panic and fear, that uncomfortable rush of adrenalin are normal. And they cause us to act in ways that we normally wouldn't. AND today is a new day! Try to put him out of your mind and do something for yourse;f today. NOTHING you do today is going to turn everything around in an instant, give yourself some space from him. Calling him, demanding answers, asking questions is only going to make him angrier and you more upset. I find tha tthe days when I have very limited contact with my WH are the best for me. Does it mean I have given up - NO, I just realize that I need to leave it be sometimes in order to get my head in a better place.

This whole thing has incapacitated me in many ways. What ever happens to my marriage (good or bad), will take time. And I need to take that time to settle my heart and head so that I can communicate with him without tears and anger.

I hope that helps some - This is not an easy road to walk, know that you are not alone - God is there with you. And you ahve this great community to help as well.

Blessings - Jan

Hi everyone, Finall got to sleep around 3am, not great sleep, but none the less, I rested and woke up - yep - I woke up for another day of this crap...

He called this morning and was just too nice appologising for everything last night. I was so calm and I just said I am not really sure I care anymore. I just don't see this happening if we you can't even control your anger at me.

I think I may try to do a bit more of a 180 with a tiny bit of Plan A...

My plans keep changing based on his actions. Any advice on what you guys think I should do would be appreciated.

He does know that I know - I know he does and he is getting scared. He has not mentioned the money yet today, so maybe that is why he is nicer. I will give him the portion of the account that is still owed to him...

Yes, we do have a legal separation agreement - so thank goodness there are some boundaries - I knew I had to do at least that to protect me and DD... Everyone tells me H was generous in the agreement because he felt guilty about what he is doing...

A FEW QUESTIONS: How to I act towards him today. He is really being too nice. Should he come over for wine this evening?? -- Also - there is a way I can find out if he did go out with that boy - should I do it? I would not have to contact the boy, but it would be a bit more "exposure" to friends???
-- Advice on which Plan I should be using - please!!

Thank you everyone for your support - I need it.. I am not sure I will call OWH today - I am not sure I have the strength or the will to do it today..