Hey Alison,
I just ran by the house for a few minutes. I hope you are ok.

I know you feel like you are on the world's largest, scariest roller coaster.

My first instinct when I found out about my H's A was to kick him out. Right then and there. But something inside of me said not to do that. I have alwasys been rather a logical, balance it out kind of person.

I had a choice to make, so in my regular way to do this, I weighed the pros and cons. I guess, in reality, I weighed my H with the Ws who had invaded his body.

I figured out the amount of time we had been together vs the amount of time with OW. We won.

I thought about a father in the family vs a family without. Having him won.

I considered how much of an investment I had in him and and in us.

I decided that I was going to invest every possible bit of effort into the marriage and fighting to have my Husband again. Have there been times I wonder if it is worth it? You bet. Have I regretted fighting? Nope - not a bit.

You have to make the decision on exposing, but you have to make the desicion on whether or not want to fight for him.

I think you do or you would not be here. Don't give up on him- not any time soon, anyway.

Hang in there!

Thank you, Moveforward. i think right now I am weighing the pros and the cons of having him in DD's and my life. I do not know this man. I do not like this man. I realize he is not "himself" right now, but there is something in him that allowed this to happen... He is wrong. To be honest, I had a bit of trouble with who he was even before the A... The things I had a problem with we could have worked on, but instead, H told me that he didn't want to change and that he never would. That said a lot to me... I feel, at this point, I have been to hurt by him to make any sort of rash decision. I am not saying we won't work things out. I am not saying we will work things out. I don't know what will come.

What I do know is that I am learning a lot about myself and I am proud of who I am becoming. Whether or not H and I stay together, I know I will be a better person either way...

Big question: If you could have the man you married back in your life would you work for that?

The fog changes many people and become the person you don't like. Do you realize how many people here would have bailed on the attempt for recovery if they thought they could never get their loving spouse back?

You will need to give it some time before you can say that the attempt for recovery is not worth it. I'm so glad I did not give up on my M or my FWW. I thought for a long time about drop-kicking her into the street and starting over. Glad I never acted on that.

Hi Hopeful, I cannot answer that question right this minute...I am sorry, but I can't. I have a lot of thinking to do and it is not going to happen over night...Nor do I feel that it has to... I realize exactly what I am doing, but I am choosing to do so for now...

Alison - take your time in answewring that question for yourself. And remember the pain of the alst few days is still very prominent. You will need to take time to heal - and that will not come overnight. This is your time to find YOU and feel good bout who you are. Take a minute to make a list of things you can do for yourself - not in hopes of atracting your WH back - but something that makes you feel good - then DO IT!

For me the realization has hit me - I will be OK with out my WH should he decide to not come back. But I will not just survive, I will THRIVE!! Right now I am focused on making this time as easy for my children as possible, I have been able to engage them ways I never thought possible (read todays posts on my thread) and it feels so good.

I actually had someone tell me it was good to have me back, smiling and laughing again. Yes - I found my way back. Three weeks ago I wanted to kill myself - stood at the sink with my hand full of pills. The only thing that stopped me was knowing my children would find me. But today - I have too much to live for, to many good things to look forward to and the knowledge that I will be ok!!

Take your time - learn about yourself - what do you want!

Jan

Jan - thank you. I needed that... This is hard enough as it is. I have realized that after all is said and done that my DD and I will be great no matter what.

My DD has been my savior and she will know forever how much I love and appreciate what she has brought into my life.

I realize that this is not my fault, H is the crazy person, and I know I need to work on myself...

He continues to play games with me and I have yet to figure out how I will handle him or his games, but what I do know is I am a better person today than I was yesterday and I am getting happoer and happier as every day goes by...

Alison -

That is a wonderful attitude to have - Yes!! You and your DD will be o.k. without WH. I think it is great that you have realized this early on ---- it took me a while to get to that point.

I know you are going through so many emotions right now. You have a lot to sort through. But I hope that you will move on the suggestion to expose your WH and OW at work. Yes, it's hard to believe that the M is worth fighting for right now. It's hard to think straight at all at this point.

I love Healing's posts to you - I know you will think hard about this decision. This is an addiction. Your WH is a different person, not the man you married. Think for him right now & help get him out of this hole he has dug himself into.

Kim

Alison..want me to give you the biggest motivator for exposing them at their workplace? If this affair is not busted and they end up together, would you want your daughter to spend every other weekend and Wednesdays with this woman? Would you want your daughter to have a half sister that is mothered by this woman?

This is what I wanted to say all day, but thought it was too much.

Think about looking at that skank at every birthday party, Christmas/Chanukah pageant, piano recital, parent-teachers conference, Confirmation/Bar/Bat Mitzvah, graduation, your DD's WEDDING (it's coming), not to mention every other weekend/Wednesday nights.

Do you want your DD to have 2 sets of toys/books/clothes? Because she will need them for her father's house.

Do you want to drop off your DD to the skank? Do you want the skank dropping your DD off to you? At 7AM, when you have no makeup on?

There is no way your H is not going to get visitation.

Please, look into the future. You say you and DD will be fine; you'll be great. And you will be. But, it's not the same. Read the articles about kids and D. D changes everything forever.

You still have one day to expose before they go to CA. You can still stop it.Consider the conversation in the hotel room out there...Don't blow this chance.

I think back to when my H went to "say good-bye" to the ow; on a business trip; overnight. You guessed it. He came home to confess to me they'd spent the night "together". I look back at that and I know I should have done whatever it took to stop that trip. Don't make this mistake.

And, if that all is not enough, consider what it's going to be like for your DD when your H and his new "W" have a new baby half-brother or half-sister to displace her.

Actually, Alison, this trip to CA may work to your advantage ...they are going to their company's corporate headquarters, yes? If they show even the remotest amount of attention to each other beyond that of coworker to coworker, if there company is at all like mine, it will draw suspicion, speculation and talk from all onlookers, including higher ups....

Regards,

BB

...and they will have ******* one more time (or, for the first time, maybe).

My H and the ow were co-workers, carrying on their PA infront of other co-workers on business trips for over a year, and no one "figured it out". And his company had very strict policies about "fraternization".

Alison, you should break this up before OW gets pregnant.

just give me all the info and I will call for you...if thats what it takes to stop this torrid affair. If it is allowed to continue will only hurt your daughter...this man needs a wake up call...he needs to have this shattered before he delves deeper into the fog and will let it start to affect his daughter...trust me my ex husband is one of those...thinks of himself only with hardly any regard for our son...and it affects my son greatly....i've had to watch this happen....squash this now before it hurts both of you any more.

You're right Alison that he is NOT himself right now; when the A really ends you will see the eventual return of your H. Break up the A, break up the A, break up the A!!! My H worked for a public company, and if his boss didn't care (according to H & OW, he didn't) I should have called the president and the board of directors... what was I thinking, allowing their collusion and carrying on, that no one at the company would care??? It would have ended it there and then!!! And you know what, maybe it would have affected their careers, but my family was worth that.

And yes, the A ended up breaking up anyway, w/o exposure at work, but it took a lot longer, and OW got pregnant. THAT is a problem.

You are going to be in emotional he[l while they are in CA, why not break it up before they go??????????????

Hi everyone. I am doing my reserach on how his company treats affair between coworkers. I have not made up my mind yet because again, I am not sure I want this man or the man I married...

Question for today: H is coming over to meet with me this evening. How do I handle him? How to I behave since again, I am just not sure what I want... I cannot honestly tell him that I want to save our marriage, so I think Plan A may be out the door. So what do I say. I know I have to be calm and I will do no LB's, but again - what do I say??

JUst be nice that is all -do not let him know what you know. Mine just went deeper undercover. Be pleasant, no lB's. Why is he coming over - to meet about what?

To hang out I guess, but yesterday he asked if I thought we could talk without arguing and I said, "H, I have stopped my arguing about this days ago"... I don't think he has ever seen me so unemotional and detached. I really feel like I am doing a sort of 180...

Alison,

I know it seems like everyone is riding you pretty hard on this exposure bit but many of us are living with regret over our own lack of action in dealing with our WS's. Exposure truly is a light of truth. That is sin's greatest enemy. To allow the sin to continue by not taking all possible action goes beyond the idea of enabling the WS. It must, by definition, be a sin itself. God help me for not using that light when I had the chance. I WASN'T here on MB and I DIDN'T know how effective exposure was. Still, I could have done more but didn't. I'm sure fear played a big role in it but regardless, I didn't save myself OR my wife a ton of regret. That's still, 2 years later, a stifling burden for me. It contributes to my depression and compounds my stress level. We're all here to tell you that our stories are similar and that we want to save you from carrying what we carry today.

You say that you want is a healthy environment for you and your daughter - the best possible environment IS A RESTORED MARRIAGE. In order to have the opportunity to give her that you have got to get the poisonous OW out of the picture. You've got to take away their fantasy. That's what the exposure does. Giving in to your own fear and trepidation ONLY puts them IN BED. I don't have to point out to you what they're doing there. It's not Bible study. Don't be an accomplice to their actions.

When it's all said and done it's your decision but frankly, to many of us, this is like watching a someone starve to death because they won't take the food we're handing them. It's painful to watch.

Still praying for you and DD.

I think I will call the 888# to find out what they do in the situation. That is a big step... I realize H can get another job, and not another marriage. but again - I must stress that I am not sure I want even the man I married back in my life.