No one can do it for you. You have to do it. Be strong.

You are not in the wrong here. The skank who is trying to destroy your family is wrong. Forget your H for a minute. Some trashy skank is wrecking your DD's home. Are you going to take that lying down?

Call the company. Get it out of the way.

Good morning, Alison. Hope you slept well.

2X4: I'm curious as to how your husband was able to get in and surprise you this morning. Haven't you changed the locks yet? Until he comes home, it's your house, not his. He shouldn't have access to be able to sneak up on you like that.

I’m still not completely sure why you’re curious about the company policies, but since it is, simply ask for their corporate policies on fraternization between managers (i.e., on the same supervisory level), and between managers and employees. Ask also for procedures they have in effect for reporting inappropriate workplace relationships. I think that’ll get the ball rolling.

Alison, you're a strong person. You keep forgetting that. Breathe deep, close your eyes and focus, lady. This looks like a mountain, it'll be a molehill when you look back at it. Come on, we have confidence in you.

Ok - I called and they were not helpful at all. She said she has no idea even if they have a policy. She said they have a pretty strict code of ethics, but nothing on fraternizing..... What the Hel*

Call his boss and express your concern about sending these 2 on trips together. And to give them a heads up that this inter-office romance may cause problems in the future (if there's ever a lover's spat, etc...)

So, how much of the website have you read? What books are you reading?

You may have gotten the receptionist or a flunky just hired in with no morals of her own. Call back and ask to speak to the head of HR. If you get nowhere, ask to the call to be transferred to the CEO. Now is not the time to be a shrinking violet. Protect yourself and your daughter.

They are all on the plane to CA. I am speaking to one of H's old employees and she agrees that he defiitely is having an affair. My H used to go to her and tell her what Traci used to say to him - She was trying to get him all along and she obviously did. She is a bad bad woman and this employee i am speaking to says she was really working very hard to my H to be her man...

Should I call OWH and tell him what I am going to do??

This sounds exactly like the ow in my situation. And my H was not her first conquest - in the company my H and she worked for - big, Fortune 500 company. Are you sure her name isn't Susan?

Seriously, this ow is a predator. It continues to stun me how many predatory ow there out there like this.

Call the CEO and report this. I absolutely do not believe the company does not have a policy about inappropriate relationships between married employees. Most companies have such policies because of all the lawsuits going on.

No. Do not call OWH. He can't help you. He is only interested in his family, not yours. And, who knows? He might spill it to ow.

Call the head of HR, or the CEO.

The woman you're talking to is splitting hairs. A "code of ethics" almost certainly contains provisions that prohibit fraternization--though they may well use another term. It may indicate she’s not very professional and isn’t going to handle this in a business-like fashion. Unfortunately, that means you may have to wait until the HR manager returns to get any decent information. In the meantime, perhaps you could ask for any printed material they have on their code of ethics?

On another matter, has your attorney taken steps to obtain that video yet? Your husband is awfully concerned about it; he keeps bringing it up. He even fabricated a “spy followed us” yesterday right. Personally, I think this guy reads too many mystery novels or something. He’s hooked on people accessing secret Verizon accounts, being followed, etc. Is there any history of paranoia in his family?

What would be the purpose of contacting OWH? Didn’t he indicate he didn’t really want to talk to you anymore about the adultery?

A Dr. Willard Harley quote:
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Should an affair be revealed?

I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.

Some affairs, those like the husbands of R.J. and M.S., are discovered by their spouses. But as R.J. and M.S. have seen, knowing about an affair is only the first step toward recovery.

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
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Also this from Dr. Harley:

Last week I got a letter from a man whose wife has a close friendship with his best friend (male). His friend and his wife do almost everything together recreationally. He wrote to say that I was dead wrong about his particular spouse, and that my advice that friends outside of marriage should be same-sex friends was paranoid. He trusted his wife, and she could spend as much time with this friend as she wanted to. My response was for him to write me again in three years and let me know if he felt the same way after he discovered that his wife and best friend were having an affair (be sure to read my Q&A columns on recreational companionship, Part 1 and Part 2).
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You need to read 'Surviving an Affair'.

It is unwise to give your WH the right to have opposite sex friendship that do not include you. We should have a strong boundary protecting our marriages from opposite sex friendships, especially when one wants to discuss their marital problems or other intimate discussions.

Read about the Four Rules of Protection on this site.

If you survive this affair then you want to understand all this stuff so as to try to affair proof your marriage in the future too.

I can't do it. I cannot do it... I am too scared...

I know i have to do this if I want to save my marriage. I know I do. I am not sure I want to save my marriage, but I do want to save my H from this woman...

That type of "predator" probably exists in most large (or even medium-sized) companies, and they can be male or female. It's likely the ONLY way to effectively deal with them is through disclosure.

I believe that my W was a "victim" of such a predator - in fact, the OM, a member of her staff, was involved in at least one other A while he was involved with her.

I believe that, had I found out about her A while it was going on, I was not have hesitated to expose the A. With knowledge of their A made public, it would been extraordinarily difficult for them to continue working together.

As it is, my W told me about the A months after it ended. My W is no longer working with the OM, but even now I wonder if I should have exposed anyway, to spare others in the office the pain that my W and I have gone through because of her A.

We are nearing 2 years past Dday and 16 months of NC, and I still kick myself for not exposing. And I still wonder if I should expose, even now, after the fact. Because I know, for a fact that ow had As with MM within the company before my H, and she has most likely started new one(s) since my H dumped her. So, by my not exposing, other families are at risk. For sure.

This skank is going to move on to other prey. So, get your gumption up and make the call.

Allison be the hero here -save others from this wh*re. Someone has to stand up and save their M. My god how many M and R has this woman (?) ruined? You are just going to sit there and let this happen. I know mine was so glad I stopped his OW. He actually said he was so relieved. He had been trying to stop her. I find that hard to believe. But stop it I did. This is so sad -its only one phone call -just do it and then come talk to us. We cheer you on.

I cannot do it. I don't have it in me... I feel it too spiteful and vengeful. I know it is the right thing to do to end the affair, but I cannot do it...

Isn't there something else, another way???

Realtor - if you want to do it for me, go ahead. I cannot do it... I just can't. I do not know what in the world would happen. Besides, they will just some up with an excuse and say I am a nutbag. and besides they will just say that I am paranoid and I have no proof... And that they work together so of course they are going to be "friends"...

Also - This is sales and my H and this OW are the 2 top producers. So the company may not do a thing about it.
Can someone call and just ask the ceo or who ever what they would do if managers were caught in an A???

No Alison there's no other way. Affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. By not exposing it to the light, you enabling it to continue.

Call your friend who worked with your husband and ask her advice. She knows the company and management.