Your husband is having an affair with the sk*nk, and you "embarrassed" him? This guy is something else.

Was your marriage really happy before all of this happened? Was he a caring and thoughtful husband?

No he wasn't, but it only got really bad when this woman started at his company... He told me lately that minute we got married, that I changed and I made him feel as though he couldn't be himself... He says that he thought he could suck it up. He said he didn't want to fight about it so he figured he would just go along...

I am telling you - The only EN I didn't meet was the recreational companionship and that was 1. becuase I became dumpy and fat and then 2. I was pregnant. I felt so badly about myself that I felt I couldn't go out because my self esteem was horrible..

He told me about a year after we got married that I was not the woman he fell in love with that he felt like he got duped. He said it was false advertising.

I told him about my self esteem issues - he didn't care. I told him that was the most hurtful thing he has ever said to me... He said it again and again and again - even after I told him that was hurtful...

He has told me that he tries, at times, to intentionally hur me. Lately he has said that he does it a lot... He says that he did what he did in Mexico because he was resentful of our relationship and the fact that he could't be himself...

I asked him why you would intentionally hurt your wife. What kind of man would put another woman above his wife. I am telling you - I am not sure about this guy..

His father was a basta*rd too. Did the same thing to his mom.

His mother spoke with me today and cried saying she respects whatever choice I make, but that she is so sorry that her son is doing this to us. That she did not raise him to be this way...

Sorry so long...

I'm new to this thread but, if I may ask, why wouldn't you want to expose this guy? Why would you want to protect his image?

No matter what, he can not continue to work in the same place as OW. One of them will have to go. There would need to be NC for life. I really hope you understand that. If you guys ever have a chance at recovery from this that has to come first. He isn't even close to that. He feels totally entitled, and you've been giving him a green light. Do you think that this OW would put up with him having 'friendships' with OW? I doubt it.

I am just having an issue with it. I do want to do it, believe me, but I can't/won't/haven't mustered up the strength yet.

He is totally such an image guy too. No one knows he is sparated, he still wears his weading ring (for show and image only cuz he obviously isn't acting married)...

Not only do I wonder why I haven't exposed him, but I also wonder why I want him... At this point I feel I DESERVE better... For a couple years he hasn't been or even tried to meet my EN's even though I have pointed out how I was feeling.

I even told him soon after DD was born that I was depressed and feeling suicidal - he did nothing... He did not take me seriously - I am over the wanting to kill myself, but for a minute there, the knife was pretty close. I have realized since that I am an amazing woman who deserves the best and I want to live well and be healthy for my daughter... I am not sure I can live well and be healthy (mentally) with this man...

I realize they cannot work together. I am going, I think to simply lay it out on the line for him when he gets home. I am not playing around anymore. I will be calm doing this but he will be given his choices.

I am honestly feeling like I am at my wits end... I just feel like my choices are: 1. try to work this out - might/might not happen(possibly years I could be finding the man that will treat me correctly). 2. work on myself and move on without him. I know that I will be okay without him. I know I will.

I want him to decide to live his life honestly. I want him to stop being an idiot. I want him to want his famliy.
He so far, has given up his relaitonship with my parents, his parents, our friends, his good friends, and me for what??

If I may be so bold to ask, what are you looking for from MB? I mean, you have been given SO much love and support on this thread with so much sage advice. Take it and run....

Wow - ok, um, support and guidance. I am not looking to be pressured into something that I do not feel is right for me to do... FOR ME to do...

Alison,
Just typed out a great note of support for your side...not exposing until you are in a little bit better place. Went back to highlight where you kindly asked folks to drop it for a while and lost it. You have repeated yourself now! Good for you.

Please wait until you are ready. I really believe if you expose right now, while in MB induced panic attack, it won't work right.

Please try to relax and think on the next step.

People,,,,you probably mean well, but it is getting too harsh and almost mean in spots. Let the poor girl rest a minute. She needs to feel it is the right thing to do and get the timing right for it to be effective.


(((Alison))) Take care of yourself...and go give that cute baby a big hug. Just enjoy her as best you can. Let the rest fall into place.

OMG - Thank you... I am great under pressure in a work situation, but in this one, not so good... I swear, my gut instinct said H was having an affair and my gut instinct tells me also not to expose, RIGHT NOW!!!
I hope everyone understands that I am doing the best that I can... I have never been here before and as I do respect everyone here and I love the guidance and support, I am freaking out. I am in no state of mind to make any MAJOR decisions right now...

Please, everyone, understand, that I really am trying and I really am doing the best that I can for now... I understand that this has worked for many /most of you, but as you can see this is all happening so VERY fast and I am just not ready...

Okay, we can do this. I suggest that you start working on yourself until you start feeling better - and I promise you that will happen. Then you will be stronger to make good decisions.

I exercised, walked, lost weight, cleaned the house sparkling, organized, joined a women's support group, went to church, detailed the car, started a garden, painted, re-arranged the house, did volunteer work.

Now I don't want my WH back.

Alison, if you read back through my thread, you'll see that I went through almost the same thing you're going through now. Folks on here telling me I had to expose, expose, expose. I waffled back and forth over it, I didn't want H to lose his job. I was scared. He's at a small company and helped OW get a temporary secretary job there a couple months before he left, but OW was getting hired permanently in another position with more responsibility. And just like you, I was wondering if I really wanted him back at all. I ended up not doing it the way people here recommended. Instead of going to the boss, I mentioned that WH admitted to EA to the secretary as I was calling to leave a message for him. I felt like I totally chickened out, but it was the best I could do. The person I talked to is the wife of WH's supervisor.

Well, we're in the middle of a divorce now. I filed against him for adultery. I did it b/c I felt I had to stand up for myself. WH sounded so determined for D, and I knew I wouldn't get a fair shake if I agreed to sit down and work out a settlement with him on his terms. I figured if things are going to end, it needs to be on my terms. I know that as hard as it is to say good-bye to the life I had with H, I know that DD and I will be OK.

I learned tonight that the boss told her today she wouldn't be kept in her position b/c she's not catching on to it, but she could stay on as the custodian/errand-runner if she wants to. I doubt she'll stay.

Please give yourself some time to sort all this out. You are moving so fast, even faster than what's happening to me and my WH. Please take some time to do something for yourself and to enjoy your DD. I think you could probably both use some mommy-daughter time, a break from obsessing over all this chaos. Just b/c DD can't talk or understand what's going on doesn't mean she doesn't pick up the negative feelings. She's probably stressed out and upset, too. Even if it's just a few minutes where you pause and breathe, just really concentrate on breathing... that will help.

Thank you Believer, I do need to work VERY hard on myself right now... I know that. I have lost 45 pounds since I had my child and 75 pound since I concieved my child... No worries on the wieght front.... There are support groups I want to join, but I would have to get a sitter and the money for the sitter, I fear, would bankrupt me.

I have the gym. I am signing DD up for Gymboree, I am going online (obviously) to meet new people... I have signed up for touch rugby (sort of sporty girl we have here). I have tennis every Monday, and I play golf when i can (obviously not this season). I am trying very hard to get myself out there, but I still don't feel whole...

I really am, in the short time that this has been going on, trying to do the best that I can...

Sounds good. Now take some time and really look at the marriage. Often we want the WH back so bad that we are willing to settle.

After going through this, you need to tell yourself that you will NEVER go back to the old marriage. The only thing worth having is a better marriage.

Believer - that is exactly what I am struggling with this morning. I don't want the old marriage. When I ask H is he wants to be married to me he says yes, but I want it to e like when we were dating. -- UM - some things have changed since then- marriage, baby, mortgages...

I feel he has a distorted version if what marriage is supposed to be. I feel like he thinks that he should have no responsibilites execpt to bring home the paycheck and that entitles him to do what ever he wants, not matter who he is hurting in the process.

He is, we both are, selfish people. His selfishness at this point if off the charts. He is ONLY thinking about himslef and his own happiness with no regard for anyone else.

He is alienating so many people by his actions. I don't think he realizes the impact that his behavior is having on his friends and his family.

I worry for him. I do care for him a great deal although I am waiting for that to be reciprocated...

I don't want to settle. I didn't settle when I married him. He was a prince. Now he is a toad... He says that I have changed, but I am still me - he is not the man I have ever known.

The man I married would never have verbally abused me the way he has been. Can't say I haven't thrown out my fair share of nasty words, but only in reaction to his demeaning me...

This is difficult. I was just speaking to my mom and she is torn as well. She loved him and has no idea what in the world he is doing and she is angry with him for what he has done to the families that care for him so much.

Mom says that I sort of just really need to be very separated from him. Contact only for DD, and to be indifferent to H. I guess mom sort of wants me to do a Plan B...

I do agree that we do need to really be separeted and not see each other as often as we have. It is funny though - he still tells me what is going on in his life (not sure if he is lying) like what he does, where he is going. He doesn't have to do that - we are separated so why does he do that?? Does he still feel the need to be a part of my life?? Does he want to or is he manipulating me??

Alison,

What seems to make you feel better in this really sucky situation your H has forced you into, is to feel that you have some power and some control.

My advice may not fit into the MB-prescribed framework, but besides working on yourself and becoming someone you can be proud of, I suggest you slow down, catch your breath and become very, very calm and focused. Don't let your H provoke you into arguments. Stop letting him have one bit of control over how you feel or react.

Whether or not you expose at his workplace right now, I'm sure that he and his GF will continue carrying on. Right now, between you and her H, they probably feel under pressure and they're worried about being watched, so they may be covering their tracks better. So, why don't you back off a bit and let them get comfortable and back to their old ways. In the meantime, unbeknownst to them, start collecting information on them. Get a tape recorder and record everything that he says in your and your daughter's presence. Get proof of how abusive and cruel he is to you. Protect yourself and if he keeps this up, go to the judge and ask to have another party present during his visits or force him to meet you in public. His outbursts are trashing your self esteem, upsetting you and causing you to LB him all over the place and damaging your daughter. Become the queen of reverse babble, and instead of getting angry, amuse yourself about how stupid and deluded he is by reversing the idiotic nonsense he spews at you.

If you can hire a PI to get the goods on those two, do it. If you can't afford it, do you have some trusted friends who could help you gather evidence? Get an airtight case against them. Part of the reason you seem to be faltering at wanting to expose and why you are being bullied by your H, is because you don't have iron-clad evidence of the A. Get it and do it stealthily and quietly. Don't let them on to what you are doing. Let them become complacent that you aren't snooping anymore. In the meantime, gather all the ammunition you can and keep records and logs of everything that transpires. This gives you control and power. You can either choose to use it or choose not to--you are in the driver's seat. And when your H plays these pathetic, lying mindgames with you, just smile and tape it, gathering more proof that he's lying through his teeth, to use when and where you please.

I understand your hesitation in all this. I would want to build a really, tight case before I made certain decisions too. Become an expert on building a convincing case against him. And if you decide to expose at their workplace, make sure that you have proof that they are having their sleazy affair on work time, using work resources. That way, you can really hammer them, if you choose to let them have it. If you're going to do something, you might as well as do it right.

Have you considered yoga or meditation to help you stay calm?

I do want more proof and I will take your advice and lay a bit low for a while...
I do want to build a solid case. I feel that if I can show H how horrible this is and that his actions are killing everyone around him, then it may stop.
I believe that this woman has cast a sort of spell over him... I am going to try to get him out of it, but I will do it slowly and quietly...

Thank you, Grownup, for your kind words. Thanks for your support and you guidance...

Alison

So did you figure out which hotel they are at?

I just called the hotels and he is at the Hyatt in Irvine.

He laft me a message last night saying he would talk to me on Sunday...

I think you H is cake-eating. He doesn't want you gone, but is only holding on to you while he figures out what it is he wants. He wants both. And right now, it IS dependant on your responses to him (if you follow MB plan or not) whether you will find your prince in there or not of if you'll ever see him again.

My H too was the most selfish man I've ever met. But, hid it well while dating & most of our marriage by using passive-aggressive behavior to hide his true emotions (always agreeable, but never follow through with promises & doing the opposite of what he says). I didn't know the man I married (had clues, but didn't see it). He would purchase stuff without my knowledge & hide it. He would go places when running errands & take an extra long time (even if it was just reading magazines) & when I'd ask about the lost time, he make excuses about traffic or lines in the stores or something lame. I knew that didn't make sense, but accepted it because I didn't understand why he would lie about such small stuff. I would catch him lying a few times, but thought those were isolated incidents & not indications of his true character. He would also "give in" in arguments & agree with me when he didn't really mean it. And he would never REALLY tell me how he was feelings. It was his true character hidden in plain sight. He was controlling our lives with this behavior. Passive-Aggressives (P/A) appear sweet, caring, innocent with good intentions, but in fact, they are deceitful, selfish, backstabbers & great "victims" of everyone else. And most outsiders don't pick up on this & enable the passive-aggressive behavior by always praising how nice & wonderful they are.

My H placed blame on me for everything wrong in our marriage. What WE have both figured out now is that he was manipulating the situation to the point I would lose it, do LB's & he would play victim (winning in his mind because I lost it). Then, I was always looking like the bad guy. It was ONLY when I QUIT LB's & allowing his behavior to control mine, that a change started to occur. It was truly the hardest change for me. I had to change me to effect any change in him.

It took the past 2 years before he was ready to admit it either. He was still in a delusion about things until recently when he sat me down & was honest about what he had done. He realizes now that he created most of the environment of our marriage isolating himself, hiding his feelings, & looking outside the marriage to be happy. And I accepted the LB's that I did that contributed to the breakdown as well.

He is now working on those behaviors to change. BUT, without my change first, we would have kept on the road to destruction. This is why I URGE you to start working on yourself. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU. But, your personality WILL affect a change in others around you.

I suspect you have more of the passive-aggressive tendancies then he does. He seems to "lose it" when arguing because you are sending him mixed signals (classic P/A behavior). I suggest you read up on this so you can work on changing yourself.

Read this info & see if it fits you:
Passive-Aggressiveness results from feeling powerless and fearful.
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/DEFENDING.html

(also read the links at the bottom, solutions, suggestions & lori's story)

I hope it is helpful.