Just help... Just help trying to get through this. God knows I love the supprt, I need it badly... I am sorry I got angry, but I AM SCARED out of my mind right now. Do I want a quick fix - YES YES YES. I feel like if a year goes by, then it is doomed and I do not want that..

I feel I am doing what I can for now... More will come in time.... And yes I have very lofty ideals about fixing this - but come one - I believe in fairy tales - I thought I married my prince... CRAP I just mad myself cry..

I will slow down on the posts if it offending people - I am very sorry for that... I want this fixed yesterday and you can see I move pretty fast, so I guess that is the reason for all the questions...

I will follow through with Plan A and give you updates. I appologize if I have taken advantage of your support and guidance...

Ok, Alison don't worry about anyone here. Let's start with some simple things ok?

Read this thread The carrot and stick of plan A

We have counseled as recently as Oct.2005, and it is $185 per session (usually a session runs 60-80 minutes)

WORTH EVERY PENNY.

The things your IC is telling you are driving me crazy. I am spitting mad. I was told similar things by my IC... my response?

What does whether I'm happy have to do with anything???????????????????? I have two daughters who are DEVASTATED.

Sounds like a non-Christian counselor at their best. Me me me me me me me me me me me me me. Am I happy? Am I? Really??? Ugh. Selfish nonsense.

Read Judith Wallerstein's 25 year study, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce on Children and tell me if it's about if YOU are happy or not. I know your IC means well, and she's counseling just like she learned in school, but your counselor is driving me nuts.

The Harleys want you happy too! Happily MARRIED!

Alison, I don't mean to sound harsh, I really don't. I just worry that your counselor is not pro-marriage; it doesn't sound like she is. Getting strong for yourself and DD is certainly important, but that strength doesn't need to be at the expense of your marriage. From what you have posted here for the most part, I see that you DO want to try to salvage your M.

Taking a break, as suggested by your IC, is likely to result in distance from your H and lead to D.

You are doing such a good job with Plan A, give it a chance to work.

God bless,
MSA

Alison, Get back here!

I know you feel upset by some comments, but it really is out of concern for you and your DD. We care about what's going on with you.

Maybe you didn't take some of the advise here, and yes, that IS your choice. Nobody is trying to take that away from you. They are trying to help.

Do not feel guilty about the many pages of this thread. It's proof and shows that alot of people here CARE about you. I'm willing to read and post 100 more times here, I'm sure as many here are, to stand by and support you, as long as it takes. Sometimes, support doesn't come across the way we want to hear it, but it's still support. Don't let that scare you away.

Anyway, get your butt back here, and let's pick this up again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

From the top <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.......

((((((((Allison)))))))))

Hey gal, slow down. You are in crisis mode, running on adrenaline. You are a girl of action, you don't feel you are working on the problem unless you are DOING something. Trust me, it takes one to know one.

It is easy for us as posters to get caught up in this whirlwind, and for hte advice to come at you fast and furious. I have seen this before with quick acting BS's. We get invested in the outcome, in your story, and we think we see the resolution based on how you've presented it here.

You kow best about your situation.

I'm a little offended my past posts have been ignored, but I realized I am offering advice you don't want to hear, or goes against your action-oriented problem-solving techniques...but here it goes again...

Sloooooowwww down, this is a marathon, not a sprint, you are going to lose your love FAST if you keep going at this speed. Let it go for a day or two. It's not going to get fixed overnight, it's not going to change overnight...OK, maybe it will.

Read, read, read...and I don't mean just the forums. Read all the articles and Q & A and basic concepts on this website. All the answers are here. Get the Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". This will be an invaluable tool now, and in the future during reconciliation or *gulp* not.

Think things through.

Keep posting, but know that your situation may be triggering BS's and FWS's own hurts and situations.

I know, the last thing you want to DO is NOTHING, but sit back for awhile...

Okay - H of course came over for wine last night. We talked calmly (Still very much Plan A). He said now that we are separated that we can date/screw anyone we want and if we allow that to happen, then our marriage was not meant to be... I think that is a huge sign of where his true feelings are right now...

I had no response to that statement, because I don't want to do that. He said he didn't either, but if it happens then he knows "we" weren't right for each other.

He of course said he loves me and that is why this is so hard. He said he does think we do need to live separate lives for a while. he said that we should each our "our own night" where we have no responsibility to anyone but ourselves (ie: not having to call the check in, blah blah blah)... Load of crap -I was thinking, but smiled and didn't say much.

I asked him what he was doing on his part to try to save the marriage, he said I made an appointment for counseling.
We spoke about priorities and I asked him what his 1st priority in life was and he said that was a loaded question. I said, I feel it is not loaded, and I feel that most men who have chosen to be in a marriage and have a baby, would say that their 1st priority is his family.

He went on about how hard he works to give our family everything that we have and everything that we want. I said, thank you and I am very proud of you for working so hard, but we need you to be HERE and LOVE and EMOTIONAL SUPPORT from you as well.

I told him that I have felt as though he has not been proud of me in so long and that is something I need to feel. He said he is always proud of me for being a great mother - funny he said that cuz a month ago he told me all I did was sit on my as* at home with DD all day...

So - I am a bit down today. I have no questions, I am still in Plan A mode, but I feel like he is really slipping away...

Alison, in plan A it is ok to say that you do not agree with dating while married. As long as you are calm and do not LB you do not have to be a doormat. Did you read the link I gave you?

Faithful - I have read it and I would have LB'd if I had said anything, so I chose to say nothing at all. I will bring it up again tonight and see what he says... He did say that he wanted me to go out and have a great time....

He sooo doens't give a crap about us anymore...

H says he is coming over for lunch today, and I can only assume it is so he can meet up with Traci after at his place or something... Maybe I am paranoid...

Ok Alison..next step. This is a slow process remember? Plan A is what my friend bob calls a "heros gig". It takes time, patience and the willingness for self examination and change in the BS. It is NOT about the WS. Got that? Ok

Now, what have you identified about yourself that needs to be changed/improved? What problems did Alison contribute to the marriage?

Alison, let him know that you are married and it is NEVER appropriate for married people to screw around. NEVER. He is committing adultery if he does. So please don't let him think for a minute that you accept this self serving nonsense.

Well, I am like a mother to him. A bit controlling always wanting to know about where he is, who he is with, blah blah blah. I have always taken on this "worrier" role - nagging mother type, but always showed him love, but still quite controlling. I, through my IC am trying to let go of my control issues and let my H hold himself accountable for his actions instead of me holding him accountable...

I am trying hard to let go of all the questions I ask him, I am trying to give up a bit of my control. I guess I have always seen him as a an immature little boy (he friggin acts like it) and I guess I have treated him that way. He is quite resentful about that - I have probably made him feel like he isn't a "man"...

Okay Melody - but we are legally separated. That is his argument... I will let him know how I feel but I know the separation will be his rebuttle... I am truly feeling like he just doesn't want to be married - he isn't acting like he does, he isn't speaking like he does...

But that is no argument, Alison. That is silly. He is still married. And screwing someone while married is adultery. Plain and simple.

Seperation does not justify adultery.

When reading the separation agreement it states to live as "unmarried"... Is this a legal question for Mr. wonderings?? I would like to know if legally it is construed as adultery - yes of course - I believe it is adultery, but was just wondering legally incase i have to "go there" in the future???

Allison, the answer may differ depending on which state you live in. Do you have an attorney yet? Any attorney friends in your town? Whose attorney drafted the Separation Agreement?

My attorney drafted the agreement... I am in MD, so I am not sure... My "actual" agreement says nothing about being unmarried, but a "general" separation agreement does...

Alison, let's stick to TRUTH. Reality is defined by TRUTH. Truth should be the gage, don't you think? The TRUTH is that you are married. Your H is married. Having sex with other persons while married is adultery. That TRUTH is not erased by any legal document except a certificate of DIVORCE.

Let's look at the definition of adultery:

a·dul·ter·y ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-dlt-r, -tr)
n. pl. a·dul·ter·ies
Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.


Do you see any qualification that says "except....."? No, there are no silly qualifiers there. And I have no idea what "legal adultery" means.