"I do think in my H case, it was about not have EN's met at home (sex). I was also pretty distant as affection was going to lead to pressure for sex so I avoided kissing & hugging a LOT!!! I also had LB's as well. He told me mostly it was "lust" with the OW & curiousity about what it would be like & nothing more. He liked the attention, too & how she looked at him (without reality). "

Want2BeStrong,
My marriage was similar to this. My H worked grave shift Thurs-Sun nights, leaving me home to deal with 2 kids and I was pregant at the time. I was resentful, angry, depressed, and very lonely. When he would come home, I would be angry that he was away so much and would do lots of LBs. I was distant with him, not much affection, because I also did not want it to lead to sex. I wanted him to talk to me, and appreciate me. He got tired of hearing No, and felt rejected. He thought that I was no longer interested in him anymore, and there she was, younger, and looking up to him, giving him the attention he needed. He knew that she was not someone he would leave his wife and family for, because she was not even raising her own child because she had so many issues.

I agree with you too that working on yourself makes you feel much better and I applaud all your efforts and getting attention from other men, as well as your husband. This is something I have been working on also. Pre-A, my H would complain that I looked nicer when I went to work than when I would go out w/ him. That I made more of an effort and would do my nails for work, but not when we had plans. When we were home, I would wear old clothes, and no makeup. I guess I was trying to make him feel sorry for me as too how bad I looked? No more. Now, I make sure that I do my nails for myself. Now, I wear the sexy underwear (even thongs, that I had but never wore because they weren't comfortable! I have even found that thongs can be comfortable LOL), I wear the sexy bras that have been in my drawers for months and years. I make an effort to put makeup on even when we are not going out. He has definitely noticed and it makes me feel better about myself.

I have also made an effort to be more affectionate and give him kisses in the morning, when leaving for work, etc, and saying ILY more. He has responded similarly. Both of us had stopped these little gestures Pre=A.

Just these few changes have made quite a difference in the daily life of our marriage, and we are no longer taking each other for granted.

Harmonie,
I love the name IT to refer to the OW! That is a good one. I cannot even refer to her by name, she is just HER or SHE and he knows who I mean. I say the same thing, how could she do this to me? Stupid, because she did not know me at all. She wasn't doing this to me personally. What is HER problem? Well, my IT had a lot of problems and was messed up and looking for someone to rescue her from all of them. My H stepped in, and he now regrets it every day. Some coworkers of his that knew about the A tried to warn him to stay away from her due to her reputation. For whatever reasons, he could not until he hit rock bottom. Now, he no longer works there and there is NC.

good moring everyone.

I'm glad to see so many wrote back.To tell you the truth when my H says it was her pursuing him,In the back of my head there was probally sommething that said o-kay.Since when do female act like that.Then i read here and so many stories are so alike.

I'm trying to understand how.How can my H stank so low.He knew it was wrong.Yes i know he works alot had to go to school full time.Yes his job gave him stress.Why he gave in i'll never know.Why after he told he ni many of times did she not leavr him alone.(UNLESS SHES A PRO AT THIS)After all she did tell him lies.

I even asked why after the first time,when you knew it was wrong did you go back for more.(4 more times)He said something like well you were suppose to leave me anyway once you were to find out.He said no one would stay with a fool like him.He also said it would of ended with her rather i found out or not.His brain was starting to fuction right.He was done with school.Has more time on his hand to think what a dumb A** he was.

Let me tell you i found a reciept for a 5 dollar bear just before x-mas of 04,when i did'nt get it i asked.He did'nt say much but right then and there i knew,I just cryed,It was'nt what he suspected he thought i would get made and throw him out and that whould be it.Instead all these feelings we kept locked up for 12 yrs just came pouring out.We were so in love and did'nt know how much till this day.

Talk about him feeling like sh** now.I actully did love him,more then he knew.He just would'nt take the time to find out,because he had so much going on around him.Since all are feelings came out first he did'nt have the heart to tell me they did have sex 5 times.It toook her telling me.Hwe said they tried once.He did'nt have the heart to tell me.Now hes so mixed up with dates and details.I'll probally never know everything.Maybe its for the better.

Just like everyone here.I do not know what she looks like.Not like me.The only thing we have in common is we are short.He says she is heavy set,short hair earring all the way up her ears.Total oppisite of me.He says she would'nt win any beauty pagents anytime soon.This is how low he went.

Someone should take a poll on how many men got dragged in while trying to help a so called co-w or if you want to say friend.I would like to know.

If anyone knows how to get the alien out of there heads please let me know.

Thanks,#1mom

Good advice and well taken. We have not discussed this aspect ( no female friends, no discussing personal matters,etc). In my case, my H did not work directly with OW. He worked in a large casino and she worked there also in a different area. He has always been a friendly person who will talk and say hello how are you to everyone. He can also be very charming, and a bit flirty, which never bothered me before. I never had a reason to be bothered by this before. He does not have any female friends. He has told me that this was the first and only time that he cheated on me, and I believe him.

We do need to work on this part of setting boundaries so he knows that he cannot respond to this personal type of talk (as your H now knows).

Mamafish,
Eveytime i read your stories i see myself there.My H and me had hard times with ILU.hardly said it.I showed in many ways.He said after words he now sees it for what it was.In bed i would kiss his hand.That was my way of telling him to.I wished i told him why i did that to.

I to wished he would of talked to me,showed me he loved me.I did'nt want to have sex.I wanted to make love i wanted to feel love.It just was'nt there so i hated sex.He knew it to.It was like he did it because i had to make him feel good.

Let me tell you noe( I LOVE MAKING LOVE.)What a feeling what a high.I don't believe i am 31 and saying this.What yrs he missed out on.We have plently more to make them up.

I too went out bought clothes,before i made sure my H and children had what they needed.I realize i need to look and feel good.I wear more make up.even thro he says i don't need it.I do my hair.I do more for myself.

Another good thing is he so helps around the house for twelve yrs i did almost everything.I thought it was my jib since i stayed home.I learned him cooking,doing dishes etc.does'nt kill him.He actully likes it.That makes me less stressed,and less tired at night.

I asked my H the other day if that will be the lowest he ever sinks,hwe says it better me.He rather die before hurting me again.He says you never know you could hurt someone so much.

#1mom

Hi #1 Mom,

Glad that you are back this morning. Your question, why did he go back for more when he knew it was wrong? As the Harley books say, it is a type of addiction. He was not thinking of anyone but himself, and my H was the same. This is a hard thing for me to deal with. But if you read the books, all the WS's are basically the same. They are not thinking of their spouse, and are being selfish. There is no rational explanation.

I only know from my H's description but My OW looks somewhat like Jodie Foster but not as pretty. He said that before it started, he told her that she looked like Jodie Foster and she replied "I'm a much better actress than she is", Boy, was she telling the truth there. She is more petite than I, and I am pretty normal to thin size, dark hair and eyes. She has blond hair. He said there is no comparison to me. Seems like the OWs are not always meeting the EN for Physical Attractiveness, going by the descriptions I have read here. I guess that's why they are the OW, they have to try to steal other women's husbands because they can't attract any single men on their own!

As for how to get the alien out of our heads, I could use help on this one also. How to get the picture of her touching my H, and her feeling like she owned him, out of my head. She used to get mad and jealous when he would talk to people about me and the kids and show pictures of us. She wanted to tell everyone about their R and he didn't want anyone to know. This makes me so angry that I could scream just thinking about it now.

Mamafish,

I think it also has to do with someboby wanting them other than their wife.It must of made my H feel good to hear i want to have sex with you all the time.She even said i won't tell your wife.She will never find out.After it came out many people that worked in a group with my H fouind out.Serves him right.He was this type of person who had to be perfect who did everything right everything he was told to do he done.Ohh hes so nice i would hear.Now people saw him for a low life.He no longer works there So no one can see how he has become a better man than ever before.Which sometimes is fine with me lets leave the impression someones always knows.

You are right they thought of only themselves.My H admitts to that.I know i mentioned him and how much he liked his sex.You know with being online,the books the moves.Well for over a yr now,its been gone.He thinks that played a role in it.MEN!

I think you mention your H working at a big casino I have one by me.I'm in the north east.

You know sometimes i wished i could actully talk to someone.See no one knows about what happened in my life.Sometimes i think its best other times i could use a friend.But i want someone thats knows were i'm coming from someone that has been thru it.

hope to talk to you soon.I have to make lunch i'll be back in a little bit
#1mom

Hey #1 Mom again,

I just read your post about our situation being so similar and I agree with you so much too. I wanted to make love, not have quick sex and then he falls asleep. Many nights he would fall asleep and I would be awake, wanting to wake him up to make love, but knowing he was tired, I would just go to sleep also. I would not initiate sex directly, I was too shy to tell him that I wanted to make love. If he approached me with love and tenderness, I would respond that way and we would make love. This even happened while the A was going on. But before that, he felt like I viewed sex as a chore, that I did it only to please him, that I wasn't into it and he could tell. This is why he felt rejected and that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. When the A started, I was 3 mos pregnant, feeling sick and emotional, depressed, etc. Once I got into my 2nd trimester, I felt much better, sexier, wanting to make love. He actually said to me that he understood if I wasn't interested in sex because I was pregnant, as some women had told him how hard it is to be pregnant and you don't feel like having sex. When he told me this, I thought he was not interested in me anymore because I was gaining weight, not attractive to him. This, of course, was the OW's way of keeping him away from me.

Now, our sex life is better than it was pre=A. I am initiating it more and because of that, he is more receptive to making love as opposed to just a quickie. I have to remember that he is not a mind reader, and that he cannot read my signals. I figure, the worst possible thing happened when I didn't show him how I felt, what do i have to lose now? That helps me to get over my shyness. At first it was hard for me because I just thought about her and compared myself to her, but he told me that there was no comparison. I never really felt Sexy before, even though he told me that I was and that I always turned him on. Now, instead of thinking I'm too fat, not sexy, I think, he says I'm sexy so I must be sexy. I am 38 so we missed out on a few years too, but it's fun making it up!

I did the same thing you did also putting my H and the kids ahead of my needs. I did not have my haircut for over one year. My H got his haircut every 1-2 mos. I did not go clothes shopping for myself but they got what they needed. When I would go to the store w/ extra money, I would buy things for them, never ever would I spend money on myself. This has also changed now. I try to put myself first so that I am a better woman/wife/mother. My H also says I don' t need makeup, but I do it anyway. I do it for myself so he can see that I take care of myself and I am putting forth the effort.

I am not a SAHM but I also did EVERYTHING around the house, while working full time with 1, then 2 kids, then pregnant with 2 kids, working full time. The only time I did not work was after baby #3 was born. Even then, I tried to do too much too soon and had to stay in bed for a couple days due to excessive bleeding. He would cook occasionally on his nights off if he wanted to. He would not do anything around the house because he was too tired from working. It was all left up to me. I tried to explain at the time why I was so tired, too tired for sex, but he didn't want to hear it. Now he understands. Now he knows how hard it is and the reasons why I was overwhelmed.

I feel like we have been given a second chance, not to go back to what our marriage was before, but to make it a marriage that we can both thrive in and be fulfilled. We used to be best friends and when we started a family, we put the kids ahead of our relationship. We lost each other in the process. I felt like he was a stranger a year ago, and he felt the same way.

I know that my H feels like yours, that he would rather die than hurt me again. There is alot of pain on both sides and it's easy to forget how much pain they must have been in to do this to the person they love the most.

Hey number 1, the OW told my H the same thing--I was never meant to find out about it. Everyone at work knew my H as a family man (HA!). He would carry pictures of us with him and only a couple close friends knew they were seeing each other. She wanted him to make it more public, and he refused. My H says it was a mid life crisis with him and he was turning 40 and lost his damn mind. She made him feel like he still had it, like he could still interest a young chick, he wasn't old when he was with her. No responsibilities, no nagging. Then she fell in love with him even though they agreed from the beginning that it was just going to be a physical thing. Once she started making demands on him, he began backing away, and they went back & forth for a while before it finally ended for good. He no longer works there.

I know what you mean about wanting a friend but wanting no one to know about it. I could not bear to tell anyone about it. I discovered this website and found that many people are going through the same thing, and I got better advice from these people than from any friends I may have talked to. After reading for a while, I started to write back and post. No one I work with knows what I have been through. I have told a couple close friends who are understanding (they live out of state) and have said they are supportive of me, and will be supportive of my H if we stay together. I did not share all the details with them. Sometimes I wish that they did not know about it but I needed some support of my own. My H's friends all know about it, and knew about it when it was going on.

I never thought that I would be able to accept an A in my marriage until I discovered MB. It's nice to meet someone that knows what I am going through , and it helps me to see that I am not alone. I am glad that we are able to help each other through our situations as there are many similar aspects. It also gives me hope that you are making your marriage work for you after the A.

I'll be back later too--gotta get some work done after all.
Will check in later.

Mamafish,
Well i made lunch for the kids i watch,now they should be sleeping but i hear them talking.I'm glad i'm able to have someone else here a few times a week it keeps me busy why my two are at school.

What this with mid life crisis,My H too says that in a way.On his 30th b-day was the day he went thru with it.Her H was out of town like the other times they did it.He got out of school early and knew i was at basketball practice with r son.See invited him at work that day.Of all days.Thats not onethoing i want to have on my mind.This was in 04,.So in 05 he took his b-day and we spent the day together.Just us.From now on if at all possible every b-day of our family he will take off.

That was another problem we meant at 15yrs old.Got married at 18.He did the military thing we had our son ten months later.Never had time for just us.He got out came back to NY has our DD.We never had time for ourselves,never had a honeymoon.So when the A came out,Two months later we took our first trip to niagara falls.(ALONE)Oh my god we loved it.We connected in such away.Of course when we did things we would say are kids would love this.So in apr of 05 we took the kids back.Now this Feb we will go back alone.

Just that time alone helps.We go out alone as much as we can.Depending on babysitters.Its what we needed.I even have him going to bingo at the casino.Which i never thought possible.

My H always spent time downstairs in our basement singing playing his guitar or on the computer.Hardly ever with us.I think everything downstairs is now collecting dust.He sees what is important.I never thought he would stop with going to school but in may 05 he got his B-degree and said he will not go back for a while.Which surprised me he wants his masters so he can teach.I think he wanted to be better than everyone who knew him.He wanted to be smarter the know it all.Now he says it don't matter.That all these degrees would'nt matter unless i was in his life.

I still wonder how A change people for the better.Have them wake up and smell the coffee.My H is such a better person.I love him i'm in love with him.Just like you said we got this second chance.With all this love between us now nothing could come between us.He would be a fool to let it.

With the sex thing i think we even had names for things because we did'nt know how to talk.Words like quickie or treat.stupid things like that.I'm sure there were more,but we don't use them anymore.

I have a question.What do you think about renewing your vows.This is something i feel i have to do.I ant new rings to.I tell my H the rings on my finger makes me feel betrayed reminds me of what he did.He wants to renew them to but says he wants me to be fully healed.I think i want it now.I think it will help.We are older,we know what to do this time.I want to do it right.Just the too of us.He says he wants us to write our own vows.

I have to ck on the kiddies.
#1mom

EXACTLY the same in my marriage. My H told me a number of times that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I said "that's not it", but I couldn't tell him what was it. I didn't understand myself - on the one hand, I was lonely, sad, depressed & needing his touch, yet, on the other hand, rejecting his advances. I was certainly confused until understand EN's & realizing that I was feeling used for sex & getting NO affection that I needed so I shut him down. I did notice, though, when he quit asking for sex. He would say "maybe my sex drive is changing" when in fact he was having an A. So, I did iniciate sex then. He told me during the A, he would have sex with me to keep me from figuring out what was going on. Now, sex is completely different. I am always involved emotionally & physically. Before, I was lending my body to the cause, but that was it. And it wasn't meeting his EN's that way. Now, we are both completely involved & it is wonderful for us both.



Mine too. But, then, my H got saved & our pastor taught for months on the book of James (which is about how to be a good Christian) and my H knew he had to tell me. That's the reason I have the verse in James in my signature. That is the verse that convicted him.



I never felt like that & that is what made it so hard. I was always being open & talking about things. We were always together, hanging out, going to movies, shopping, etc. We spent ALL of our free time together so I was blindsided when I found out. He told me ONLY yesterday that I am the love of his life (for the first time ever) and said all these years he was holding a little of himself back. Now, he is no longer holding back - I'm getting all of him.

Last night, I had downloaded some songs and saw our wedding song on there so I downloaded it (Shania Twain - From this Moment). When I played it, I burst into tears. I haven't listened to that song in years and the words of promise & commitment - I meant them all! It was just so sad.



I ended up telling one friend, but seriously, it didn't make me feel better. I was able to vent & chat, but then she seemed to want me to move on & forward. Like when you're done saying what you've got to say, it's time to move forward & not go over any of it again. It didn't help. I'm not saying my friend wasn't supportive, she was, but everytime I would go back to something, she would say "you need to look forward". This group is MUCH more understanding in a way she cannot be because she isn't going through it. I understand it is through our computers, but I feel YOU know what I'm feeling. I feel blessed to have this site.



You are not kidding here. I felt the same way. The day after d-day, I was looking for information so I found this site early OR I think it would have been a different situation . Of course, I didn't react like I thought I would when he told me. I ended up asking for sex after we talked extensively, then cried during most of it. It was HIGHLY emotional. It was one of the most intimate times we've ever had together. I wasn't angry like I thought I would be, I was SOOOOOO sad & disappointed. I'm glad the news came from him & not someone else for me.

As for the OW, sounds like H lose their sense of selection when they "fall" into an A. My H told me he was so picky about who he dated before we met. Literally, he told me he had opportunities for sex and/or girlfriends that he turned down because they didn't meet his standards (even when he went without sex for a year). Then, a piece of trash, loser girl gives him a little attention & it doesn't matter how she looks. This girl was about the same height as me (tall), overweight & not attractive. He said her face is not attractive and even her body shape was not attractive.
I don't remember her well enough to know. He said she was his rock bottom & I believe it.

Also, what it is about H getting everything confused. My H doesn't know exactly when A started (after our anniversary sometime (Valentine's Day) & ended before fourth of July). Maybe our house construction was already started (May), but cannot say for sure when it started. He's not sure what he was feeling about OW at any point in time. Then, he talked about this management thing he went to where he claims they were seeing each other & he tried to throw me off the scent by telling me about them going together. He took her home that day. HOWEVER, when he got his certificate out, it was dated September AFTER the A was suppposedly over. Then, he changes that & says they couldn't have been together, but then why did he go with her to it?

The most damaging thing is that he said things like "I did it, but I didn't want to!" HUH? He meant "I wanted to do it, but I knew it was wrong!" He also told me about oral sex: "She wasn't good (no technique), I had to concentrate, I could only climax because I hadn't had sex in a long time". I thought....hmmm, we had sex every week to week and a half. Not long enough in my mind (knowing him). Later when I was talking to him about oral sex (previous to our marriage and setting him up), he said something about not being able to climax with a woman who had great technique (and he hadn't had sex with anyone in a very long time when this occurred). So, then I knew I caught him in a lie (and he knew too right after I mentioned not having sex for a long time). He then says "well, she would have to be good [color:"red"] to some extent [/color] (his favorite line) in order for me to climax". All these "lies" about the details have made it even harder to forgive. I go crazy when he's manipulating the information on the one hand, then says he can't remember on the other.

That's why I know I'll never KNOW or fully UNDERSTAND everything that happened. I just have to quit getting bogged down in those details because I will only make myself feel worse.

People at his old job also knew what was happening. One woman (who my H didn't like at all) had made comments about the two of them (in which my H told me to keep me from suspecting) acting like she was nuts. Another co-worker was a cousin of the OW & knew everything. Then, my H (after my insistence) told OWH (who is also a manager there) and he was shocked. He kept saying "this isn't ***, he wouldn't do something like this". But, then he confirmed it with me, then with OW (who admitted to it when caught), so I would imagine that since both of them OW & OWH both work for the same company (different locations) that the whole company now knows. They believed my H to be better then that. Some men there made inappropriate comments & flirted in the open. My H never did that. He was discreet & looked to be the model H.

I would LOVE to go & talk to a few people there & find out who knows what & what happened between them (OW & OWH). I hope he leaves her. She is a serial cheater (as are both her druggie parents) and she demonized her H (then BF), but when we talked, he was about to cry talking about his kids. She made him into something he was NOT. He was & is a victim like me. She was not he victim as she claims to be. Okay, enough venting. It feels good though!

Hi #1,
Glad you are back, and the kids keep you busy during the day. My kids keep me so busy and I don't know how I would have gotten through this if not for them.

I'm so happy that you and your H have rediscovered each other, and he has even realized that you are the most important person in his life, not school, not attaining a degree. My H spent his time at home watching tv--sports mostly, but was also kind of isolated from the family. If the kids were watching tv or a movie, he would go in the bedroom and stay there for the night. He has also realized what he was missing when he was like that.

I think that men are more obsessed with midlife crisis and age (turning 30, 40) like they feel like they are missing out on something, or that their life is not what they expected it would be at that age. In your H's case, maybe because you married young and have been together for so long, he thought that maybe he was missing out on something. It's hard to take that he may have felt that way, but at least he realized his mistake. And he has tried to correct that by spending birthdays with you and the family.

My H and I are trying to spend more time together now. Since our son was born almost 6 yrs ago, we have not gone away on our own, or even gone out for "dates" by ourselves. Any vacation we took, we brought the kids. We don't even have a regular babysitter. We are making this a priority now. We have gone to Marriage counseling 3 times and it is set for 8pm on Monday night. H said that the time was not the best (due to Mon night football and wrestling) but the marriage was the most important thing right now and he didn't want anything to get in the way of that. That in itself was quite an accomplishment. We never had a honeymoon either. It's nice that you and your H do things together, even going to bingo at the casino. I always wanted to go to the casino since I hadn't been there, but he didn't want to go because he was there working all the time (this was even before the A) so we never went together. I am also in the Northeast--in CT.

As for your question of renewing your vows, I think that would be a terrific idea and expression of your love for each other. I think that only you know when you are ready and if you feel that you are, go ahead and do it. Write your own vows too and get new rings--whatever it takes for you to feel like you are making a new start. I lost my wedding ring on vacation and have not replaced it (5 yrs ago). so I want to get a ring , and he never wore one so I want him to get one also. He told me that he wants to do this too. But I think that we should renew our vows when we do it, not just buy the rings. It will be a while before we get there. Are you going to renew vows on your own, or have a ceremony and invite people?

I have a question for you too==did you and your H follow the Marriagebuilders program? Filling out the ENs questionnaires and making the agreements? I'm wondering because I don't feel that the MC we are going to is really helping us, and I think that if we follow Dr. Harley's plan and really commit to it, we would be better off. It sounds like you and your H are recovered so I wonder what worked for you. Did you go to counseling or do it on your own? My H is willing to commit to a program but I am having to push him to read the books.

Want2BStrong,

I see so much of me in your post about shutting him out for sex because you were not getting affection. Same here. I also noticed when he stopped asking for sex or even making comments how we didn't do it often enough. He withdrew from me even further when he started the A. I'm not saying that we never had sex during the whole A, because we did. We weren't having it frequently enough for either of us but we just didn't talk about it. I noticed that sex during the A was less frequent and more to fulfill his needs then mine. This just made me more resentful. Then after I had the baby, I couldn't have sex for 6 wks so I didn't think anything unusual. When I had my postpartum checkup, we had sex that night. Come to find out, he had sex with her the next day, and the next day and the next day... With her, it was every day or almost every time they were together. I asked him if he felt guilty having sex with her, and he said that sometimes he couldn't get it up because he was thinking about me. I have not asked the questions I would like to know about the sex they had, but I feel like I am justified in asking them, since this was THE reason he cheated.

My H also doesn't know exactly when it started. It was after a huge fight with me and he was so angry that when she invited him to meet him after work, he gave in. I honestly do not remember the fight, there were a lot at this time. He would also try to throw me off the trail by saying all those things the WS says to get us to stop asking questions.

As for telling friends, you are right, my friend told me the same exact thing about moving forward. She would say, I understand how you can get caught up in the details but you can't allow yourself to do that. You have made the decision to stay with him so you need to just move on. I don't know if she had ever experienced this type of betrayal, but she was never married although she does have a child. I don't feel that she truly understands how I am feeling. The MB board members are much more supportive than anyone else that I would ever speak to. I have gotten more support from them than I get from our MC. It's tough to tell friends because the first reaction is why are you staying with him? So I have only told 2 very close friends that live out of state and that I have known for many years. Every BS here has expressed similar feelings of betrayal and anger, regardless of the individual situations. I look forward to this board every day, and am spending way too much time on it today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />. Gotta go but will check back again before 5 pm.

One more thing: I haven't quite got the hang of using the "Quote" code . How do you do that?

Mamafish,
Hey me neither,i never figured out that qquote thing either.As for a MC we went twice,It ended up being a co-w.Thet job my H had requried concelers.So he got her card and went.He felt funny,She said she could'nt see him with this person.That made me feel better.She also said she seen a change in him.He soon got a new job,so we did;nt have ins for a few months.He did'nt want to go back to her.I think because he tries to lie about them having sex,and maybe she found out after he left.We talked about going,we just never made it back.To anyone

I think they make things worse sometimes,they don't know your whole story.They don't know your H.I also did all the things here.I read alot of books.We done alot.I think the best thing we did was be there for eachother.We now know eachother inside and out.Its funny he will say stuff now and i swear sometimes i'm thinking the same thing,or vice versa.I always new him well,he be looking for something i would say where it was.He never said what is was.now he is like that at times.

I think you are your own healer.I still come here hoping to make friend,or see stories like mine,or see real success stories.They always make me smile.I will stay out of any one that sounds negative.I used to go in them now i stay away.I don;t want to be brought down.

Maybe later i will write from these other web sites i found eariler this week.Well it just one but site with two stories that touched me.There from the wayward point of veiw and the other one was a story a XWH wrote his wife.There long but hopefully tomorrow i will have them written for you.

I even had mu H read them both.He said the one explains some of his feelings.

Well i have to go i have six kiddies to deal with and they are all fighting.

#1mom

#1,
I'm tending to agree about the MC not knowing your story and in our case, he just wanted to focus on the future and moving forward, and not letting me deal with my feelings about what happened.

I also used to go into a lot of the more negative stories, that I would start to read, but then would get really involved and I would get depressed. I find it better and more useful to read the success stories or even the ones that are more like mine. I even find that I have offered advice to some of the newer people here.

I gave my husband one letter that Trueheart wrote (it was a link I found) to all WH's that I think may help him to see that his feelings are not unusual. He hasn't read it yet,but will be this week. I gave him a bunch of printouts from the MB site with the EN questionnaires and we are going to go over it this weekend. Thanks for your insight and advice. I'm glad to meet you and make a connection with you. It helps to know that I am not alone in feeling the way I do. Especially when I try not to vent to H and go off on LB's.

Have a good night. Will be back in the am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow, it is hard to keep up with your posts today you guys!

Mama fish, I read in one post you wrote about the "midlife" thing. I totally had the same impression the first 2 months after d-day. H was in his fog still I think, and we had a talk one day about " what he was thinking about"...
He had made some comments about how now that he is "sober" the way he sees his life NOW is so different than what he had REALLY wanted it to be like.
WTF??????
Says the Talking Heads song would stick in his mind "this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife,... How did I get here?"....
I was really hurt that he said that. I felt it was "fog babble" though and didn't let it hurt me too much.
He met me when he was 21 and we married when he was 23. I already had 2 children and he was always fine with this! Even said he didn't care if we had more or not. But we did and he always said marrying me and having all the kids was the best thing in his life and couldn't imagine life with out us!
Now I know he had other thoughts of how he would have lived had we never had met. I told him we all do! But I wish I would have asked him if that meant he regreted US???
These passed 2 weeks H has been working the day shift and I am so thankful and grateful for this. (his boss broke his leg) H has said that he has missed being able to tuck in the little kids at night and going to bed with me at a NORMAL time. I have made it a point to make dinners for him and spend all evening time with him.
I was on the computter 2 nights ago and when I got off I went to cuddle with him. I asked if he minded that I was taking over his space on the couch and he said "no, it is better than watching the back of you at the computter" I felt bad that I was there as long as I was but happy that he cared and was able to tell me.
I am glad you guys are here to talk to , too. I am very uncomfortable talking about this and updateing my friends about all the horrid details some times. I sometimes feel like they think I am an idiot for putting up with all the crap I have from H all these years. I pray they never have to walk in my shoes, cause no one truely knows WHAT they will do and HOW MUCH they can put up with when they truely love someone. And I think my H finally understands that concept now, too, about me.

Be Well, and have a nice evening ladies!

Mamafish and Harmonie,

Guess we have written alot today.How are stories are the same.I think this is the most i have written.I never had three pages from one question.I have something here i found from another web site.It comes from a wayward spouse to his wife.It made me understand more.I even had my H read it.It was along how he felt.

Posted: 9:58 PM, December 30th (Friday), 2005
I walked thru dark shadows thinking I was basking in sunlight, and attention.
Instead it was an evil darkness, one that overcame me, one that overpowered me.
I heard words that I wanted you to speak, that in the past you had spoken.
But in the comfort of an established relationship, you had forgotten to speak or I had forgotten to listen.
I started out seeking the attention I wanted from you, attention you were giving me.
But it was an attention in another form, one of the caregiver, the provider, not the new lover.
I allowed myself to get sucked into a sinkhole, and got sucked in further and futher.
I would come home at night and try and wash myself in the cleanliness of our marriage, our love, just to get dirty again the next day.
I began to rot from the inside out, slowly at first then faster as the days went by.
It festered my night, and was bandaged by day, to be unseen by you, unfelt by me.
My esteem, which was low in the beginning, was now nill.
What pride I had in myself was now totally gone.
I made myself not think of it, and if I did, I was lost in a nightmare.
One I couldn't share with my best friend, my soulmate.
How lost do you have to feel, when you are with someone, but so alone?
Alone, because of your own actions, you own dirty deeds.
Yet I tried to convice myself it didn't matter.
You didn't care, you wouldn't care, it wouldn't hurt you.
Knowing it would, deep down, but when you are wrong, you try to justify.
Try to shift blame, because, who wants to admit their own stupididty?
Did I think about loosing you?
Yes, and my world became covered in tears and fear.
But the spiral had become a nonstop fall, and I couldn't figure how to get out.
I couldn't ask you for help, I had hurt you, before you even discovered what I had done.
I knew that, I dreaded that, I was scared of that, I caused that.
I would swear tomorrow would be different, then one word, one action from you, would give me a justification in MY OWN MIND to do it all over again, still knowing it was wrong.
I was weak, I was stupid, I was my own downfall, in your eyes and in my own.
You discovered, you confronted, THANK GOD!
I can't explain why I was weaker than you.
I can't explain why I did it.
No explanaiton makes it right.
I hope one day I can see myself in a better light, because as low as you think I am as a WS, I would bet money I think of myself much lower than you do.
I am not professing to know your pain, I can only imagine how betrayal must feel.
But not only did I betray you, I betrayed myself, and I am sorry.
Just my words, on how I felt upon discovery, and still do.
Often BS wonder how they can forgive, true regretful WS, wonder everyday when they look in the mirror, if they can ever truly see themselves as "a good person". It is a very large and hard pill to swallow that you are a bad person, one who has inflicted pain and hurt, and then double the size of that pill when you see the hurt reflected in you partners eyes, words or actions, knowing we only have the power left to say we are sorry, but have no power to remove the pain.

Let me know what you think.I had another one but could'nt find.

Hope you ladies have a good night.
#1mom

Mamafish,
Where is this letter?I like to read anything that could make me smile,or see things thru a WS mind?

Harmonie,
This is why i am glad we told no-one.This way no-one will judge us.No-one will talk behind our backs.Only we know.

For a long time i wanted a friend to know.I now think that maybe i just wanted someone to know what my H did.Like i wanted them to think less of him.I'm glad i did'nt.

Well talk to you tomorrow
#1mom

Wow! I wish I could show this to H. He has told me he dosn't want me to print out these sort of things for him to read. That was about 2 months ago. I had left him a different letter from a WS about his apoplogy to his BS.
H wrote something in a notebook on his bed side table, last Nov. It was about his feelings living "day By Day"
part of it had said, "I am not a good person, and that in my heart is true to me. I am not proud of what I have done, but this is the life I have begun and now I must live day by day"...
He also spoke once of how he loathes himself, that if he were to meet a guy like him who did what he has done , he would have nothing to do with that kind of person.
His hurt hurt me when he showed it. He does not show his emotions often, except angry outbursts...:(
Those he has no trouble expressing. But he is working on that, too.
One of you mentioned you were hoping for a renwal of vows. That would be my biggest dream come true if my H would only ask me to re marry him and we could renew our vows. Then I think I'd beable to truely re cover and belive in his comittment again. Only time will tell.

Harmonie,

My H too will not visit this web site.It makes him nervous when he knows i comw here.He don't want me getting upset.I tell him now i go only to possitive threads.I told him last night about you and mamafish.How are stories are so alike.I told him he could read them.He says he don't want to invade.Maybe there my thoughts.I would love for him to read them.

It was me who talked about renewing vows.I want this so badly.I was hoping it would happen at x-mas time of 05 since i found out about x-mas of 04.You know give me new memories.I finally told him what i was hoping for a few days ago.I cryed i guess for days on and off since x-mas over this.He said he thought it might upset me if he did it around that time.

He says were almost there.He knows i want the whole down on one knee with a speech.New rings,i want silver this time.We were married young so i real never got the real purposel.

No one will know we re did our vows.they will just see our rings.I hope to do it in niagara falls.One of the first places we went by ourselves after 12 yrs together.

Talk to you later.P.S If you don't mind from where about are you from?
#1mom