Thank you so much everyone! These are the specifics I needed to hear regarding dealing with WH using Plan A.

As far as a reconciliation, I don't know and will just need some time to process this. I'm hurting so bad right now for the loss of my marriage and family and for my daughter's loss of family. I need to figure that one out. I won't reconcile just to have a husband and family.

I feel different this time around. I was so raw with desperation the 1st time for a few months, wanted to die, had a plan one day, but logic kept me from doing it. Kept thinking that I hadn't changed the beneficiary on my life policy and certainly couldn't do that to my children.

This time I'm raw with hurt and disappointment but no desperation. I'm much stronger in my faith in God than the 1st time. Had only been a new born child of God for a few months and couldn't lean in. Instead, angry at God for allowing this to happen. Understand now it's WH will and no one can do a thing about that.

Meloday, I'm not really sure where he is staying. He did say he would be at F & J's house (parents of OW and owners of business he is consultant for, OW works there as well) or staying in our 5th wheel trailer that is parked at the business.

So now, would you all concur that Plan B is more appropriate?

Honestly I'm not sure what advice to give you on this. I've a good understanding of EA's considering what my wife went through...but multiple A's are kinda outta my league.

I think so, yes.

But, Plan B with an attorney's council...

agree to NOTHING of this sort without an attorney's advice .... OK ?

Plan B is to go dark and detach myself from the situation and be unavailable for WH?

Should I write the letter to him when saying things like I will not be in contact with him until his contact with her has ended, when I don't even know if I'm open to reconcilitaion?

And I won't have any discussion with him regarding splitting things but not because I will only discuss repairing our marriage. I don't feel like that. I'd hate to say that to him now and not really mean it.

I do not trust him and will not deal with him regarding negotiations.

The the FIRST thing you need to do is to make a choice yourself...do you want to attempt to heal your marriage, or do you want to end it?

Regardless if it's EA or PA, or whatever...that is the very first thing a BS has to do, regardless of anything else.

Until you know what your goals are, you really can't take ANY action. Perhaps you need to see a counselor yourself to help you sort this out?

Owl, I definitly need time to sort this out. Looking at the big picture, NC would be absolutely impossible. Too much invested, financial ruin. No one will be going anywhere.

So, that, coupled with the fact he distanced himself from me and D again and got emotional involved with OW after already knowing the devestation it would cause leaves me very little hope.

He called last night to see if we were home and that he'd be by. No other explanation. Suspect he's just trying to be pleasant so that I will be agreeable and "do it the easy way" splitting things ourselves. I really can't imaging what he's thinking, like a non-contested divorce or something? We have a child and will have to hammer that issue out. However, I am naive when it comes to divorce matters so maybe he does know more than me.

I have all his things cleaned and organized for easy removal. I want him to get it out and then I will go dark.

Here's a psyco twist in me ~ What I want is for him to come running back, begging me to give it a chance and me telling him no so he can feel some hurt. That's the hateful, vengeful part of me. It's not what I will do.

H came by Thurs. night. Comes in house and says Hi. Asks DD if she ate, what and could he have some. I initiated some pleasant chitchat, how was your day, things getting busier, etc... He asks DD if she wants to go with him over to Papa's (basically next door, country living) and she does but invites me too. I decline. He gets a bag of jeans to take with him. When they come back he comes in and just sort of sits around, kind of mopie acting, not sure how to describe it. Then when he leaves says he'll talk to me tomorrow.

Called me at work and told me that a friend's (who works at the store) mother had been diagnosed with cancer, 6-12 mos to live and could I pray. Sure I will and thanks for letting me know.

I'm in limbo. Not really knowing how to act. I'm thinking I should be pleasant until he moves the rest of his stuff out.

Having a very hard time coping. Shaky all the time. Couldn't work 1/2 day Tues after finding the evidence, not at all on Wed & Thurs and only 1/2 of Frid. Can't eat either. Uncomfortable all the time, can't sit or be in one place very long but don't know where to go once I leave.

Can anybody talk to me?

I'm in a state of limbo?

My DD and I were not around all weekend and I would not answer any of his calls. At this point, when he does call it is just to say Hi to DD. I could tell he was at the house Sunday but did not remove any more of his things.

This morning called, again to say Hi to DD and discussed with her that he would be picking her up from daycare. Hasn't done that in 3 months. But the thing that aggrevates me is he should have discussed this with me, not her. I will have to tell her that if he continues that she will need to tell him to discuss that with me.

It's so hard for me to be patient when I'm literally shaking.

Please, can someone talk to me?

Hi, I remember limboland. I'm on the far side of it.
What would you like from me?

Have you made up your mind on what you want out of this yet?

Reconciliation, or divorce?

I can't really give any advice until you've made that choice...and even then, the only advice I know to give is on how to reconcile...divorcing is something I know nothing about.

You still need to get a PLAN...and start working it.

Have you followed Owl's advice above? WHat do you want - you have to decide that. Then we can help with advice on action...

No I haven't decided if I want reconciliation or divorce or rather I want both.

I'm scared that I won't even have a choice. He's already decided he wants divorce.

I can't tell you how relieved I was to finally see some response to me. I was beginning to give up. I will take some time to try to figure out what I want and come back for direction then.

Thank you all so much!

Take all the time you need to make up your mind what you want, then.

And meanwhile, Read up on Plan A and Plan B and LoveBusters and Emotional Needs. Do everything you can to save your marriage.

Think of a zoo with two animals caged in it. In one cage is a fierce, vicious crocodile. In an other exhibit there is a docile and friendly seal. Now think: which animal is going to thrive?

Answer: The one you give the most food and care to is the one that will thrive.

So, put all your energy into the MB principles, all the positive work you can.

Later, if you don't want to accept your husband back into the marriage, it will be Your choice.

If you're thinking divorce based on "he will probably divorce me anyway and I want to beat him to the punch" you work against your own best interests. If you're thinking "He might divorce me and I need to protect the assets we have built up so that my family does not suffer" get a really good attorney. Be very careful about protecting yourself emotionally, financially and legally, so that there is something for him to come home to.

Work to protect yourself, and that can only benefit your husband if he decides to return to the marriage and restore your love. Do all that you can to keep yourself, the home and family in its best possible condition. That way, in the end, if he DOES continue on his wayward way, you aren't a casualty. You are the paradise that he stupidly left behind. If he returns, you will have your self-respect and his admiration.

There is nothing destructive or negative in the MB principles. Lean on MB.

Well, I both agree and disagree with Bell's advice.

All of it is sound, but one thing you need to take into account.

If YOU don't make up your mind about what you want, then your WH is going to push and get what HE wants. If what he wants is the same as what you want...no issue. But if you decide you want to reconcile and he is working for divorce, you're going to be moving in the wrong direction.

You need to work through whatever you need to in order to make up your mind about what you want to do. Even if it's only a short term answer, that's fine. But if you do nothing...it's all going to be moving in whatever direction HE is pushing in then.