Can you tell us what's going on?

Nelly,

I hope you are still reading here. If so, let me say that there are probably many here who have had these same feelings, myself included.

Something informative that I read recently...

Suicide - Read This First

6 years ago after my kids had left school i started working and ended up allowing a man to kiss me. I immediatly panicked and left as i love my husband dearly. after 25 years of marriage i had never done anything like this and was disgusted with myself but lied as to where i had been later on in the day as i had to go and see this man again to get some figures for my work. I swear i never let him touch me apart from the kiss. I was lonely my husband although loves me dearly has always been a man who lacks in giving me attention. Anything always came first, the car the garden, the tv, the football, the cricket, any sport infact. I just find myself waiting and waiting for something to happen. That night my husband went mad and accused me of everything. I held on to him so tight and swore my innocence. Years later i have had to put up with this being brought up time and time again being called all sorts of horrible names and i have took it but it has caused severe damage. I even felt that i may as well have gone the whole hog with this man then atleast i would be punished for actually doing something, and because i had no one to talk to i began talking to another man who i did not even like, I WAS JUST LONELY, I told my husband all about this too. After a few terrible rows i left my home 3months ago because i could not take anymore. I told my husband to get some councilling and give me some time and we agreed. Then my whole world fell apart.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. We can help you. There are lots of women here who have been through something similar, and have made it through.

It sounds like your husband has been using this mistake of yours for a long time to control you.

So let me guess - is he having a revenge affair?

Nelly,

I'm so glad you responded.

How have things fallen apart since you left? Have the two of you been working towards reconciliation? Where do things stand?

I want you to know that you can be okay no matter what happens with your marriage, if you want to. I know things seem uncertain and it can be so scary not knowing what lies ahead for you, but you can make it through.

Did you read the information in the link from my first post?

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

You've taken a big step towards increasing your coping resources by posting here.

I have found tremendous support, comfort, and opportunity for growth in the past year that I've been here. For me, it took a lot of courage to post for the first time, as I know it must have for you, as well.

I don't know how to reduce your pain. I wish I did. Reducing pain seems a much slower process to me than increasing coping resources.

So let's focus on your coping resources...

Do you have people you can talk to?

Have you thought about counseling?

Do you have funds available that might make it possible for you to afford a phone counseling session with Steve Harley, our resident expert?

What other coping resources do you have available to you?

Hi Nelly. I'm glad you found this place. There are a lot of great people who can help you on your journey.

Keep reading and posting. The information you'll gain will help you understand your feelings better.

-Fluke

nelly

We are glad you are here still reading. You said you told her husband to get some counciling and give yourself sometime and then your whole world fell apart.

Can you be a little more specific? Hang in there. There are people that can help you with your marraige. I am praying for you.

Hugs to you Nelly. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{nelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Nelly,

I wanted to add my welcome. I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. Please keep reaching out. I have said a prayer for you just now.

Hi Nelly,
I'll also keep you in my prayers. I know you have a lot of pain right now, but all things can be worked out and there is always hope. There are people here who are willing to care and write to you. So please keep writing back, we want to hear the things you have to say.

we can all help nelly---please keep posting....

Nelly, please keep posting. Please remember you're of infinite value, one of God's special daughters. You're NOT what someone else tells you you are!

While there is life, there is the chance of good things happening. Many of us are living testament to the fact that with time, and taking care of ourselves we can achieve miracles.

I left , he pleaded his undying love for me infact i did feel for him and had to shout at him because he went from no attention to lots of attention just like he did years ago. I knew it would end eventually so i told him to stop because it was an abnormal affection just to make me stay.It seems the day after i left he was so lonely he went on to one of these chat rooms and whilst i was still trying to speak to him he ignored me and was quite horrible to me. He said he had noticed i had took off my wedding ring so he thought i was not ever coming back. I did take off my ring as my mother always used to say if you have a bad patch take it off then when things are better put it back on the opposite way.Within days he had arranged to meet this woman and i knew just by the way he was treating me but he made up some story that he was going to see about A job. I went home and confronted him and he said to my kids how i was accusing him of seeing another woman when he was going to see about a job, i had a blazing row with my eldest son who said i was mental he swore at me and i was screaming with anger then i left. The following day after trying to text my husband and no sleep for days i was supposed to be going to a works dinner with him. Again i went home and i could see he did not want anything to do with me, out of sheer desparation i hugged him and hung onto him and we had sex for the first time in months and i said if he wanted to put my wedding ring back on he could. I was gutted when he said no not yet, i left and he went to the works lunch alone. I returned to my home numb at 10 am and got in bed.The most incredible pain i had held within me and it would not subside i was not myself, almost like i was one step behind.Just to get a drink it was almost like i had to think how to do it as my brain seemed not to be in line with my actions. I SCREAMED ALL DAY, then wailed then felt incredibly calm, then i realised he was on his way to see this woman. 6 Hours drive then i began thinking when did he in all these years spend hours talking to me and yet i have found the bill since and he was on for hours.Since when did he ever wake up and talk to me at 6.30am , this is the time of one of the calls. He never talked to me i just used to wait until he had time for me and he knows thats true. At 5.30 that day i preceded to take pethadin and just simply carried on. I knew he was a long way a way and could not help me i just wanted not to be here, not to be in this miserabe world. I texted him several messages i even talked to him i even told him what i had done and he turned off his phone. I felt like i had been dipped into oblivion so then i took more tablets. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY HE CARRIED ON WITH HIS TRIP. It seems he arrived then apparently reality hit him and he just wanted to come back not before having coffee and chatting for an hour or so. I by this time am found by my kids still wailing and in great disstress.

Sorry that happened, but it is quite common around here. It seems that lots of spouses will do something crazy to "get even". It always backfires and causes more problems.

Your husband's coldness is normal too. It is hard to believe they can be so uncaring, but that's how they are.

I hope you will continue reading here so that we can help.

What happened next?

nelly

beliver is right. Sometimes spouses can do things that are terrible and uncaring.

There are many stories similar to yours. You can make it through this. Please keep reading. I am still praying for you and will continue to do so.

i wanted him to combat the angry feelings he had when ever he brought up the thing that happened years ago and why he did it . He also made me feel like because other men looked at me it was somehow my fault and he would have a go at me. It got so bad that i was finding myself looking to the floor when i was with him,just incase i had eye contact with another man.

nelly

I am sure you are an attractive women and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I can understand though why you feel you have to do this. Is it possible for you to speak to the Harley's?

Even if your husband would not aggree to talking to them, I think you would benefit greatly.

My husband turned up at the hospital in the early hours of the morning after retrieving his messages from his phone he was worried but still did not admit to where he had been untill the next day when i again suffered this feeling again. The vile anger that came from me i did not know existed together with the panic and then i was questioning him.A little part of me was thinking this is just how he must have felt all those years ago but things have gone on to me feeling like this all the time. I have been told that he did not do anything but had arranged to stay with her for the night. Last night he gave me the telephone bills and i saw for my own eyes when he was on the phone to her i was texting at the same time and he was ignoring me. The early morning call sickened me as i cant ever imagine him having the patience to listen to this woman and yet he did. Why not me? i felt on the edge last night and again sat for hours in tears thinking of how many times i have yearned for something just anything a kiss or a kind word. We have an appointment for marriage guidance, and he is genuinly remorseful however stil defines his bad behavior as lonliness after i left. I may be wrong perhaps someone will let me know, it took me years of lonliness to resort me to talking to another man, when push came to shove i panicked because i did not want to lose my husband, nor did i want any thing else. He however just had 1 day of being on his own and he knew he just had to make changes, but he went and made those changes for someone else. I cant understand but i know one thing i am sick with anger i picked up a carving knife and sliced through a bottle of pills the other day without even knowing i had done it, like a kind of blind rage. I cant sleep and i am not eating what in gods name is happening to me?

I want to cut off all my hair and at this moment want to be ugly that is just how i feel.

Your marriage is at the point where it can be turned around. You have both looked for needs to be met through other people. That never works. Please check out the emotional needs questionnaire here, and see if you can begin meeting your husband's top needs. I know it is not fair, but you are here and we can help YOU.

Your husband will need to start meeting your needs also, but lets see what happens if you start the process.

Nelly have you thought about calling a close friend to come and be with you and talk with you? Sometimes it just helps having someone right there with you that you know and trust that you can talk with. If not we will still love to keep writing to you.

And those emotional feelings you are having, you are trying to externalize them. Cutting off hair, or harming yourself will not help anything. The best thing you can do is care for yourself. Others care for you, and you should do the same for you too.