Post deleted by nelly63

Nelly,

Sorry u r not feeling well. Emotional pain usually makes any physical pain greater. There are some steps you can take to help minimize it from the mental and emotional side.

I know it seems overwhelming right now but take it one step at a time.

1. He says he wants to work on the M
2. U r angry because he still is not making u feel safe and loved.

3. He carries that phone around and that is a major trigger for you.

4. As he works towards recovery, your taker will start to get pretty demanding. Making up for lost time and all.

What t/d?

Call Steve H @ MB and get a recovery plan. 1st for u then for the M. Same with him but you can do yours at your pace and he will just have to catch up.

If both your takers are working overtime and no givers are working then diaster is in the making.

Please read His Needs/Her Needs along with Giver/Taker. Both are by Dr. Harley. Leave a copy of him to read also. Let him abosrb it at his pace.

You will realize you both learn, apply and communicate in very different fashion and timeframe. This is the key to recovery....learning HOW to communicate with your spouse or any guy for that matter.

This isn't superficial communication and it probably scares the pants off of him. Gals find it easier to deal with this type of task but guys find it much harder. When both are conflict avoiders it doubles the recovery tasks on both sides.

So read up and figure out what changes you need to make on your side. Give him time to learn. Don't rush him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. That should help pull the emotional and mental pain down a bit and make it easier to handle.

take care,
L.

Post deleted by nelly63

Ok, so u have taken the 1st step....realization. Now r u willing to take the next step?

Learning how to communicate. Trust me, yours isn't the only M which has communication as a problem. It is in many M's. Why? Upbringing, bad habits, being spoiled, being deprived, sometimes just learning t/b selfish. There are many reasons but none of them are the only reason for having an A.

Set that aside and for now concentrate at a level you can control.....u learn how to communicate with the male gender.

It is easy even for our H's t/b nice to other people, especially other women. Not a bad thing but the wife sure feels deprived. Some even disregard their own children and then expect all to love them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

The time isn't to find the reason, it is the time to learn to communicate and in time the reason will come out. One thing I see in many is the need to blame the past or others, when the real problem is themselves. It is a hard piece of reality to have in one's lap and major conflict avoiders have it the hardest. Yet it must be dealt with.

The real loser? Is the mate who allows him or herself to remain in denial and make excuses. Some make excuses so they don't have to apologize. Some make excuses so they don't have to do the right thing....and the list goes on.....

Finish your plan A Nelly. That's important. Then it will show that what is left is on his plate. At that point you w/b able to move forward with or without him. It will hurt but the guilt will be gone and you will find that the guilt is what holds most of us back.

Read up on plan A. Read His Needs/Her Needs. Identify your personal boundaries and move forward. He will see you changing for the better. Watch his reaction and actions.

L.

Post deleted by nelly63

Nelly,

Good post and like to hear your spirit is up. I hope he continues to make you happy but I must caution you to be prepared for some progress and setback. Don't want to see you hurting too much, ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Meantime, keep up the good work. Reality bites the WS hard. That's a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Post deleted by nelly63