Post deleted by hurtingterribly

WTW--The "mountain out of molehill" statement is this: if you and he were communicating, these problems are really nothing special. Because you and he can't communicate, the problems become these huge issues.


Are you sure the A is over? This sounds like a cover to me. How do you know he isn't meeting an OW?

The simplest explanation for everything he is doing is that he is still having an A.

I gave my H an ultimatum last month -- spend 15 hours per week with me on a rolling average (first week is buildup of hours only) or we separate for a week. I'd had it.

It's too early to tell the outcome. We're watching a lot of movies together. But I have had it with neglect.

I'm in the same boat as you -- unwilling to give up hope and at the end of being able to cope.

Cherished

I don't have time to read all, but here is a loaded question. Is it possible that he is still having an affair with the same or another OW? In my research over the past 5 years since my H's affair, I have learned that sometimes there is a superficial recovery while the affair continues. The affair goes way underground. I'd go on the trip alone and hire a great PI to see what your H does during that time. Something is not right about this recovery. Men can put things into compartments. This may not be the case, but just another thought. He just may feel like a jerk that he had an affair and not want to be with your family because he is embarrased.

You think I'd know all this by now - esp since I already went through this once....... but, how do I find out if he is having an A stil/again? I am afraid to ruin the trust that we have amanaged to rebuild, so I don't know how to go about finding out. Hiring a PI is not feesable for me right now, either.

I'll admit that the fleeting though crosses my mind every once in awile, but it only has to do with the Friday night thing. The rest of his time is accounted for. It was not that way when the A was going on...... back then, he had all sorts of excuses regarding reasons that he was gone. His bahavior was different back then from what it is now. My gut feeling is that there is not an A going on, but I don't think I will ever be 100% sure after the last one, you know?

Jimmy, I know you are right. Communication is a problem. Since WH will not consider getting some help, what can I do on my own to improve this part of the problem?

Go to IC, not MC. If he isn't going to work to improve the M, then you need to work on yourself. You need work not only communication but with your own self-esteem.

The easiest explanation for his actions is that he is having an A:

He meets OW every Friday evening for a "date'.

He doesn't go with you on these trips so that he can some extra "free time' with OW. He is maintaining a relationship with the boys independent of you in case he leaves you for OW or you leave him. He stopped sleeping with you due to a warped "sense of duty" to OW.

He won't go to MC because he knows that, sooner or later, he will fess up. (The lies catch up to you real fast when you go to MC.)

He needs the "extra money" to cover the expense of hotel rooms and the meals. The OW goes with him on the school trips or he arranges to have her meet him on the school trips--or he simply talks to her all the time on the phone.

He is telling OW what he is telling you: He can never leave the M because of his kids. Like you, the OW believes it, so she tolerates a very weird relationship.

He verbally berates you so that you are too intimidated to question his actions. He knows that if you and he ever get into a dialogue, he will "get caught", so he goes nuclear very quickly.

And, he hates himself for his indecision and what he is doing to his kids. So, he over compensates for it.

Jimmy -
Read my other thread from this weekend:

OMG! OMG! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I JUST FOUND OR WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!

That contains the events of yesterday and today. I am now convinced that the A is still going on......

This s*cks! WTW

I think that this statement defines our situation perfectly. Sheesh.....