He just called me after he finished dinner and now on the way to the movies to tell me that I should think about packing a bag for the hospital since the baby is due soon now. And he is really excited about the new name I picked. Although I told him I wasnt for sure yet. I told him that it was really nice that he took the time to call me (becuase usually he wouldnt even think of calling me) and he said of course he called, becuase all he really wants to do is to make me happy. I told him that I wanted to do the same for him and told him I loved him and to have fun at the movie. He said he'd see me soon and hung up.

I am so confused by his actions sometimes I feel like I am going crazy.I dont know if he is being sincere or if he is blowing smoke up my ***. I hate the suspicion without knowing for sure, because the truth of the matter is as my father pointed out to me is that it is possible that I am reading into all of this way to much and making something out of something that doesnt really exist the way that I am seeing it. These guys that he has become buddies with aside from them being his employees all lead lives of doing as they want without their wives involved. My H has always been with me and if he wanted to go do something he always wanted to include me in it. So now when he wants to go out bowling or whatnot with these ppl and doesnt even think to invite me with, it raises my suspicion flag, when maybe he just wants to be part of this "boy club" thing these other guys have going on. Prior to this current suspicion, I would have never put my H in the realm of possibilities of being a cheater. Although in his youth he was quite the ladies man, in the 10 yrs we have been together he has never once strayed despite many offers from many women. And several that have even made comment to me about wishing that they could clone him because he is so wonderful.

And now I find myself continually questioning the man that he is/was and I dont even know which end is up anymore. I only know that I love him so much it hurts so badly to even think this is happening (or is it). And I just want it all to go away and to have my H back completely and have things be new and wonderful again with our soon to be new baby joining our family.

Stay calm and see what evidence you uncover with your recorder. I know it feels deceitful but you have every reason to suspect him and every reason to know the details that effect/affect (whatever) your life.

By the way, a devious idea I thought of and just wanted to put out there lest I forget or you dissappear...you said your father and brother are doing the work on your home. At the end of their work they could always present you two with a bill for their work. Such bill could be paid from the proceeds of the sale of the home and given back to you by them after the divorce. Plus it diminishes your marital estate. If your bro or dad are licensed then even better...slap a lien on the house. It's just an option IF things get really bad later.

Stay calm...be patient...plan A...fight the good fight. His niceness may be genuine or manipulative or guilt. Just keep your eyes and ears open and don't let on that your spying on him and even if you catch him do not divulge your source...just wait a couple days and he'll have no clue how you got the info or where he was when he had the conversation. He'll suspect you bugged the phone first.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- My wife totalled her car last April. Car accidents are very common in these situations...lost of distractions...be careful driving yourself and take care of that baby...he/she is way more important that whatever is going on with your husband.

Mr. Wondering

Funny you mention that devious plan, lmao, my father said something similar to me.

I just finished reading up on a thread about MLC...
I went to the link and took the test for my H, he scored a astonishing 62. Is this a real possibility, that I am misreading MLC as an A? He recently turned 30, has the added stress of a life long medical illness (diabetes) and is in the process of trying to make the business his father began to run into the ground thrive and has done a damn good job of saving the business and is about to double the business' size and more than double its value.

He also has the stress of his father's illness and that he is to take over the business entirely as his father is slowly phasing himself out.

I also saw a thread refering to ( i dont remember exactally what they called it, I lost the thread and cant find it again) but something like "rescue syndrome" or something.
That is so my H. If there is some way that he can help someone or so something for somebody he is the fist in line to do whatever he can to help that person.

I dont know, maybe I am getting my hopes up, but this makes so much more sense to me and knowing the type of person that my H has been for all these years....and then if this is the case then it sure adds lots of insult to injury when I went asking him for weeks if he was still in love with me, and asking him and his mother if he was having an EA with this OW. Maybe his actions have been truley innocent. And maybe once again I am fooling myself.

Well I thought I knew he was being honest last night, my parents followed him to the place he said he was going and he actually went there, and had dinner with his father and friends like he said he was.

But then the lying beigns, he called me at 7:18 and you see the restaurant he ate at shares a parking lot with a theater that has 20 screens and an Imax. He said that theater wasnt showing the movie they all wanted to see so they had to go to another one further north. I was like ok well what are you going to see, and he said they were going to decide between 2 movies when they got there.

He called me back at 10:15 to tell me he was on the way home, I asked if he enjoyed the movie and he said yeah it was really great, just his type of movie with blood and guts and horror and sadness. I asked him what the movie was called and he said he didnt know the name of it, because they were a little late getting there and missed the beginning.

He later told me when he got home at 10:45 that he left the movie half way through cause he wasnt feeling good and wanted to come home to me and the kids.

He caught me in his wallet this morning, as I had already seen the receipts from his night out which included no movies, but did include a restaurant in the town next to the town the OW lives in.

anyhow have to take my daughter to school and go to the store, be back soon.

Did you have the tape recorder in his car?? Ok noiw is the time ti start seriously writing things down -get a journal and write his daily activities what he tells you and what you find. I suggest taking the receipts if you can and clkipping them with your entries. Just to let you know later down the road alot of this gets confussing with all the lies they tell us.

Who is staying with your children when you deliver this baby? I would make sure someone stays in your home. That way WH can not bring OW into your home while you are in the hospital. You never know what they will do. Ok

I am so sorry for your situation Heidi.

You are getting great advice from a pro, Mr. Wandering.

My fws was a stand up kinda of guy too. I would have never believed he could have an EA a year ago.

You are very intelligent, and have been doing a great plan so far.

I also see, you have been keeping things to yourself. This is great.

I know every BS's first impulse is to let the ws have it, and then some, unfortunately, tell the ws how they got their information, thus, ruining the opportunity to use that source again.

I see-sawed back and forth, wondering if fws, was in fact having an affair.

I confirmed my suspicions with cell phone records and my ws inability to stay away from my MIL's Assisted Living Facility where she worked.

Hopefully, you will use the digital recorder, like Mr. Wondering suggested, so that you can once and for all, recieve confirmation of what you have suspected for so long.

There is relief in knowing. For me, the relief was, in part due to, finally, being able to show that I was not being paranoid, or jealous, but in fact, was right on the money.

BTW, my grandpa was jewish.

He was my model for what a man should be, honest,loyal, and sincere; smart in business and concerned for others, putting family ahead always, and handing his children and grandchildren advice, based in wisdom, love and concern. He was also a shrewd man and never allowed others to take advantage of him.

What I wouldn't have given to have had him around during the last few months. He has been dead for thirty years now, but I will always honor the man that promised to be the father to me that my own father couldn't be.

Oops sorry for ruining your thread, I just loved my grandpa so much.

I will be rooting for you,

Sincerely,

K.D's Heartbreak

Trust what your gut is telling you. Even Rabbi's and Pastors have been known to have had affairs. No one is really immune...although many of us hope we are. It is amazing how humans can rationalize, compartmentalize, and justify to allow themselves to continue on the path toward full blown A's. Your H probably enjoys the thrill of being able to 'control' his life. Many an A has started as a result of a man wanting to rescue a damsel in distress or from empathising with the plite of a lonely woman and wanting to be a 'friend', and comfort, and listen...

I just bought the digital voice recorder today. Now I just have to find the ability to get it into his car.
I also got a digital camera to take some pictures of their cars and whatever else I may stumble into.
I have a handful of ppl now that are willing to help me follow him around on nites that he says he is going out.

The problem I have now is that i now suspect his father of foul play too. If he went to dinner with his dad last night, and then didnt go to the movie with him...did his dad know what he was doing? I dont know for sure if his mom knows, but H did tell me that his mom and the OW told him that pregnant ladies can be a bit crazy and maybe i'll get better after the baby is born and stop being so suspicious about everything.

He called me from his office this morning to tell me that he is going out on wed nite for a quarterly meeting after work. And continued by announcing loudly in his office that he will be sure to bring home a recipt so that I can know where he was.....there were ppl in the office with him cause I could hear them laughing.

It so fabulous to know that Im being badmouthed to all these ppl, when he is the one having the A. I can only imagine what he must be saying about me.

I need to get a copy of his keys made, and I have no idea how I can get them away from him for long enough to have a set made.

I want to get the picture proof of his affair and then get poster size copies made, go to his office and then super 77 them to the walls!!!! Lets see who's laughing then.

Grrrrrrrr time to put on my doormat face, he should be home soon.

Be back later tonight ----im sure after he calls to tell me that he is going to blow off me and the kids once again to go bowling and drinking with his new found friends and the OW.

Hilarious...KDSHeartbreak called me Mr. Wandering not Wondering.

Heidi - I just posted to Hopeful4future requesting he come over to your thread to help if you need it. He lives in the Chicago area and may be able and/or willing to do a little snooping or spying on your WH...if you want.

He'll maybe stop by your thread or you can come over to Flukeboy's thread about Affair busters.

Mr. W"o"ndering

*BTW, his movies excuses are just so lame that I know it is difficult for you NOT to believe him sometimes because it is sooo transparent but it is very typical for a WH to throw caution to the wind in order to get their affair "fix". If he was rational it would be sooo much easier for him to hide his affair...but WS's are never rational.

Ok thanks so much once again.

Today went so badly I dont know how I am goint to go on. Tonight he was playing a game with me, a game which he had clearly discussed with his "friends/co-workers" First the OW called here, and I had answered the phone because he was outside getting the present I had gotten him out of my car. He heard it ring and walked back to get the phone and talked to her outside.

He played with our kids tonight (which was his main goal) he was acting like he was trying to win the "father of the year award" with them. The kids have been asking him for weeks to play a board game the 4 us. He has continually blown all of us off for other more important things. And then tonight he said he'd play. Well 2 min into the game and the kids cant even focus because he is too busy being a jungle gym for them. So we had to stop playing.

Then we went and put on a movie for the kids and all sat on the bed, where he continued to let them jump all over him and the bed, my son was so wound up, he jumped right on my belly. It hurt so bad I couldnt believe it. I had to get up and walk out of the room crying from the pain and worry if the baby was ok. He didnt even get up to see if I was ok.

He told me tonight that all he wants to be is friends. But he also added in how much he loves me and that he has never loved anyone as much and as deeply as he loves me...and more blah blah bs. It hurts to hear him say that. Especially as he hangs up the phone with his friend Mike, the a** who calls and says to my H (loud enough that I could hear) how are things going at home? H replys "just like I expected" Mike laughs "so are yah ready for another trip to Green Bay".

It makes me sick, Mike himself who has his own pretty severe marital problems, and a pregnant wife. What a pos. He sits and lies to my face too now. He lies for my H.

Up until last night my WH would come home and at the very least id get a kiss on the cheek, now he wont even touch me

is there a way to find ppl's address and phone numbers if they are not listed?

And what if I dont know how to reach the OW's H, i only know his name and the kind of job he has, but not where he works or where he lives.

And what if my in-laws already know of my WH's going's-on, and are being supportive to him, what would exposing him to them do me any good...talking to them thus far has only gotten them to tell him that pregnant women can be crazy.

He says he is going to a business dinner on Tues. night, im sure its a lie.....i am working to assemble a mob of ppl to tail him from his office to wherever he may go and hopefully I will be able to get some photo proof finally.

To search for addresses and phone numbers,you can try to use zabasearch.com. Put in the first then last name. You can also try theultimates.com which has lots of search engines as well as reverse address/phone search. Those two are free.

Thanks so much for the info...I am trying to track down info on the OW and the OW's H.

any update???

Tuesday's the day you bust him???

Well Saturday night was eerie and amazing all at the same time. Sunday, well I dont know. I tried to make a copy of his keys, but they couldnt copy them for some reason.

I came home and helped him with his workout. He has been working out as often as he can lately.

We went to lunch with my sister and her family, and then bowling, which is my WH's mew foung hobby. He was being polite to me, but thats about the extent of it. I kept cheering for him strike after strike, and even for the gutter ball =) He said hed love to see me bowl after I have the baby cause he thinks I would be good at it.

On the way out he asks we stop in the game room, he wanted to play pinball. He asks if I remember the 2nd time I met him. I think about it and ask him to remind me. He says it was here. I instantly remembered the day. We talked about it and had a few laughs.

The kids had a great time. He seemed aggitated and nervous the whole time. He kept bitting and picking at his finger nails. When we left there and headed home, he said he wanted to take a little detour. We drove to some condo/townhomes that had an open house and he went in to look at. He even took our daughter in to one with him.
He said they would be perfect for us.

We got back home, had some dinner....I feel sick to my stomach all day.....at 6pm he starts saying how tired he is and needs to go to bed. I ask if he is ok. He says hes not sure, maybe he is drained from the outpouring of emotion the night before. So I go to the bedroom with him, and he gets ready for bed, and I tuck him in and give him a hug and a kiss as he closes his eyes and tell him that I had a great day with him and that I loved him so very much.

I read the kids some books, and get them into their beds, and I callled my sister (who has been an amazing support to me through all of this, im sure she and her H are sick of hearing the phone ring from me at this point, and Im sure are looking forward to the day I stop calling at 3am crying my like crazy.) At about 8:45ish H wakes up and comes out for a snack and a drink.

We sat at our make-shift kitchen table and talked for about an hour and a half. It was really really nice. Mostly he talked and I listened. He barely looks at me through the whole conversation. There were no other distractions in the room so he'd look at the floor, the table, anything but me.

He first started out down his favorite path of making fun of my family, tonite it was specifically my brother. I chuckled along. After a bit of that we moved on to the OW and her H. I was kinda shocked he was telling me anything about her. He was telling me what a whacko her H is and his harsh behavior. How he calls to tell her he will use his gun to kill himself, or threatens to kill her. How he calls her on her cell and yells at her. (Funny, he yells at her things like - are you sucking his ****, what are you doing are you f*****g him, so on and so on --all of this refering to my H -- my H makes a joke that he and the OW sit and laugh that both of their spouses are accusing them of something they arent doing. I just smile along, laughing at his jokes as I can.

Then he tells me about her living conditions, and her financial situation, the way she has to budget her money, tells me her plight of getting preg at 17 (inside I feel bad for her, and my H knows that I can sympathize with what she is going through) but I dont tell him that. I ask questions instead that keep him talking. Like I now know that she lives in Park City and he lives in Antioch.

The segwayed into the OW's best friend Courtney and her wacko H. He told me how her H beats her, and demands things from her or he beats her. He told me of their bizarre sexual fetishes (well at least bizarre to me an H, to each their own). Then went on to Mike and his wife. And how horrid his wife is to him, and that he has advised Mike to leave his wife (she is also preg). Then went onto his friend Brian and his odd life of marrying Russian women for $$, and has a live in girlfriend and a sex-partner girlfriend in addition. He tells my H that is the only way to have a wife, is to have a few girfriends on the side.

We talk about when he was a medic and one of his co-workers stabbed her H and then later her H stabbed her back. (They are still married) He says to me...."I look at all these ppl and then I look at us, and say our problems really arent so bad" He looks away from me and asks if what happend last night broke through to me at all. I told him that I thought it was really nice that he could show me that much emotion and feeling. I told him that I understood what he was saying and the way he felt, and that I am trying my best to take care of the things that he needs, and going as quickly as possible with getting all of the construction done on the house. Mind you we completely gutted our kitchen and family room, there is nothing there, wires hanging out of the ceiling, nothing, lots needs to be done.

He asks "You know I am moving out the beginning of March right?" I ask where he is going and he responds that it depends on me.

Im due January 31st. If I have to be induced it will be on Feb 14th. Home from hospital Feb. 16th. He wants the house on the market by end of Feb. He says this is a deal breaker for him. This house or our marriage. My state of pregnancy/birth of our child does not matter, despite being told by me, the MC, and his mother that this request is very unreasonable.

I have had a sick feeling in my stomach since Sat nite. Inside I feel certain that I am getting served D-papers on Monday. I asked him if Sat. nite was his way of saying good-bye, he says no, that he wanted me to know how much he misses me, and how much I mean to him, and that he wishes we could go back in time and never have moved here, and how much he wants out of this house.

The subject went back to my brother....(you know the tv show friends? My H is a combo of Chandler and a Ross with a bit of Joey.....my H cracks jokes in uncomfortable situations, is very intelligent, and quite attractive) so he turns into chandler again. He mentions how he is going to get together with another one of his old high school buddies. And we have a few more laughs, its almost 11pm and he says he is going to get to sleep. I go with him again, and tuck him in, hugs and many kisses, and I love you. I rub his back as he falls asleep.

It seems like he is trying to relive his youth lately. All these ppl: OW and her H, Courtney and her H, OW's brother,
Brian, and now another H.S. buddie, they all went to high school together, and now they are all reuniting and this has become his new social group.

Side note: My H and I used to sleep with nothing on, a month ago he started wearing his boxers to sleep, then a week ago added a tshirt, then saturday added shorts. A few more weeks hes going to be going to bed fully clothed. He says he is just trying to be comfortable.

Saturday night he held me and spooned with me like he used to all night. Last night he wouldnt even let our bodies touch. I woke up at 4am and tried to cuddle, he wouldnt. I was thinking about D-papers and if someone is going to be at my door today. I couldnt go back to sleep, I came out to pc to vent here.

Part of what happened on Sat nite and the conversation we had Sunday night made things seem almost normal again. But the fog certainly hasnt lifted, it still seems kinda thick.
He did give me a great hug where I could actually feel him hugging me, as opposed to the dead fish hugs I had been getting. That was right before he got into bed the 2nd time.

His both sides of the fence answeres are making me feel insane. And after this weekend, I really dont know what to think.

I asked him if he would like to go to the movies with me. He said sure but I dont know when we are going to be able to do that. He said there is things planned almost every night this week. He says:

Monday - well I have to check my calendar
Tues - I have business dinner in Carol Stream
Wed - Business Quarterly Meeting
Thrus - MC (he asks if we are still going)
Friday - he says hmmmm maybe friday

Oh yeah!! - LOL - we are watching tv and a commercial for the movie he told me he saw the other night comes on, and then says "Coming to theaters Jan 20th" I didnt say anything. A few min later he says "Thats not the movie I saw, but it looks great, I saw a different movie with werewolves." me "do you remember what it was called" him-"no i still dont remember"

Have I mentioned that my H has a near photographic memory.
He can tell you the name of a movie based off hearing one line. The same with music. He can recount entire conversations that we had 10 years ago.

My mom called me yesterday morning. She told me she just wanted me to know that no matter what happens she and my father will be there to help me in any way that they can. She started to get teary.

My H hates my mother, and lately when he is angry, he keeps comparing me to her. Where as previously he would tell me how I am nothing like her.

I feel sick to my stomach. I have to force myself to eat, I cant sleep.....I am so greatful that I finally found this website, and I feel like I owe my sister (and her family) the world for what she has been putting up with me for the past few weeks.

I asked my H if he has told his parents the way he feels about me, and if he told them about what he said to me sat morning, and all....he said "no" they only know what you have told them. He said I only talk to "OW, Mike, and Brian" i giggled inside.

Here I am talking to anyone I come across that I think might be able to help us save our marriage, in anyway shape or form. And he is getting all his advice and help from, the OW - a woman who's H beats her with a bat and threatens to kill her and himself and is in the process of a divorce. Mike who hates his wife because she treats him so poorly, hides money from his wife so he can go gamble, and buy prostitutes. And Brian who has a wife for $$ so she can stay in the country, and 2 girlfriends. I cant help but laugh inside.

And he says it helps him a lot to talk to them and hear what they all have to say because they all have such different advice. I'd love to hear those conversations, lol.

Until later....we will see what the day has in store for me.

Always me. <<hugs>>

Well another day...

He started going to the gym again this morning. I called the gym at 9am to see if he had been there, he should have been at work by 8am so I thought I was safe to call....what are the odds, the guy answers the phone and says yeah he is standing right here talking to me!!! I was like ok thanks, I knew he would be mad and think I didnt believe he went there. He called me from his cell phone and I said I tried his cell and it went right to VM and he wasnt at work.
I told him that when our son woke up he was really upset that dad wasnt here and he wanted to talk to him, so he talked to him. And then he said call me later if you need anything.

He gets really mad if I call him at work lately, so I have been trying to not call him at all unless I really need to. Even then he gets kinda annoyed and talks to me rudely and then says he has to go and hangs up. Im sure because the OW is there.

I was expecting to get served papers today, I have had that feeling since saturday night. Its 3:45 nd no knock on the door yet.

I dont know how to get the digital coice recorder into his car, i think he would be suspecting something like that, since he knows that I am suspicious of his behavior. I thought about putting it in my own car, on the days when he is with me, because I know he calls her while I am out of the car.

Im going to follow him tomorrow night to his "business dinner" My sister and her H are going to help me too. Hopefully I can get some proof. Im not sure which will bring me more relief if I get proof, or if he was telling the truth and it is a business dinner. I think I will need to go to a mental institution if I cant prove what I suspect is going on.

My kids are noticing his lack of envolment in our lives. I told him that they miss his attention, they have been acting out. He got mad at me for suggesting that he needs to spend more time with them.

My daughter is old enough to vocalize that she is upset that he is gone what seems to her like all the time. He assumes that she is parroting what I say. Which isnt true, because I try to protect my kids from what is happening by not talking about it infront of them, and being supportive about him being gone by telling them ohh daddy just went bowling with big mike from the office and he'll be back sooner than you know. Or daddy just had to go do something at the office really quick and he'll be back in a little while and then we can all play a game together. I try and sistract their focus. It works for a little while.

Until my daughter says something like why cant daddy take us bowling with him. Why wont daddy ride in the car with me and my brother, he is going to forget about us and forget that he has fun with us. I was crying my eyes out, and so was she. 5 year olds know a lot more than you would think. My 3 yr old son doesnt want to go to bed at night unless he is so exhausted he cant keep his eyes open, he protests for what seems like hours, just to get some attention from dad.

He acts up a lot around my H lately, H asks why he is acting that way. When I tell him its because he wants your attention he gets mad and says its not fair for me to bring the kids into our problems, and what am I trying to achieve by telling him that. He's like are you trying to make me feel bad that I am being a bad dad. I told him that I was trying to let him know that his kids miss his attention and maybe he could spend a few minutes paying a bit more attention to them. He said he doesnt have anymore time than he has already given us.

The kids miss him as much as I do. Nothing seems to make an impact though.

Heidi,

Your husband likely has no intention of filing for a divorce until he suckers you out of the big house into a townhouse or condo. That is also probably the timetable he has "negotiated" with OW...which is why he also gives you that March 1 date.

Waywards are too busy covering there own tracks to worry about you planting a recorder in his car. He likely views it as the scene of the crime and in his topsy-turvy world worries there might be a paper or hotel receipt or something that will bust him in his car. He might be on guard but not cause he suspects anything like a recorder.

I did have an idea on the key thing. Since you couldn't copy it maybe next time you go to the office go at the end of the day and unlock the side door or unlock a window. Then have your bro or sis go there and get copies late that evening. Leave an item there that they could indicate they went to get for you and have them carry any key they can say you gave them to get in. They can say key didn't work so they climbed in window or went through unlocked door were they to get caught. Very minimal risk, but risky nonetheless...the key idea would be cleaner. Where are any spare keys???? Finally, did you try to copy at a quality locksmith shop as they will have a bigger variety of "plugs" or did they say the key was simply not copiable?

Mr. Wondering

I have to come here to vent, its one of the only things that helps me get through the day, but now I feel like I am talking to myself. ugh.

When I went to the doctor for my 36 week check-up I got weighed and I lost 5 pounds. Ive lost 12 pounds in the past 3.5 weeks.

I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant even think clearly, I feel like I am going insane.

My due date is coming soon.
I'll be 37 weeks tomorrow.

Ive never been so scared in my life.

Hi Hi Mr. Wonder,

Well I went to home depot, but after thinking about the keys a little further, I know that he has to get copies made from the building owners because they use locks and keys for the building that are much thicker and wider than normal keys I guess. i know it cost them like $25 a key last time they needed a set made.

The windows are all stationery, you cant open them. And H does not ever let me come to the office anymore, so I couldnt leave something there. And there are also some employess that show up sporatically to work on whatever. So its a very risky situation. You need a key to credit card style key to get into the building after hours. You need a key to get in the main door to his office and then he has a separate key for his/his fathers office. It would be very hard to get in.

His dad has a set of the keys, he has a set and the office manager has a set, and the building owners, thats it.

Oh and the key to his private office says do not dup on it anyhow. ugh.