I still don't know what to do about H and me when it comes to little things right now. I don't hug him he hugs me. Little things.

I assume you mean you're seeing the commander? Excellent. You can keep the chaplain in reserve then. Don't be too concerned with their religious function, if that's what disturbs you. They also have responsibilities for very broad based secular counseling in addition to conducting services. Treat them like any other officer on the installation. Is your husband in the Army or Marines?

Now, when you go to see the commander, dress well, in a business suit if you have one. Don't worry if you don't, just be very presentable. Hold your head up and don't be needy. You're there to solicit his assistance in making his subordinate a better soldier/marine by reconciling with him.

If you have children, don't take them to the meeting but take a logical moment in the conversation to mention the impact your husband's poor choices have had on them. The children will get in the way in the orderly room and any sympathy you'd get from their presence will evaporate immediately. Remember you're going into a business office and it's similar to any other business office in the civilian world.

If the slapping incident happened on base, he will already know about it from the military police blotter entries. Be prepared to discuss it logically and clearly. Tell him you were so infuriated that your husband would bring his partner in adultery into your home that you momentarily lost control. You regret it, but that's all. You were provoked.

You are concerned about the 1/Sgt's professionalism. Disregard it. You don't have time to worry about it. Also, be prepared for the 1/Sgt to be in the room when you talk to the commander. It’s routine; the commander is almost obligated to have the 1/Sgt there. In contrast to his lack of professionalism, YOU be the consummate professional when you're talking with the CC. Act like you're in an interview for a job. You're trying to present yourself in the best possible light and you want this guy in your corner.

If you have questions, I'll be glad to answer anything I can.

Thank you, Longhorn. You advice is most helpful. I have been working on my confidence and I will hold my head high when I walk in. Do you have a suggestion on do's and don't on what to say?

Longhorn has some great advice for you!

My ex was a reservist who had an A with an active duty girl he met while deployed. I reported it very late out of my own fear, so I'm glad to see you taking this important step!

I didn't meet with the commander but I did talk and email with her 1st SGT and Captain.

Every conversation and email was very professional and businesslike. I clearly stated the problem and laid out the evidence. In my case I had dates, times, emails (many sent from her army email account that were VERY sexually detailed), pictures and videos (hard to deny adultery when you have video's they took of themselves with a date imprint on the video). In the letters I laid it out very matter of factly. In the conversations I reiterated my desire to save my marriage and conveyed the information as non-emotionally as I could.

She was ordered to have NC with XH. She continued contact, which I also reported, which led to another issue for her - disobeying a direct order from the 1st SGT. Not a good thing.

It sounds like you have a similar situation. Use it to your advantage.

Good luck to you. You have a very powerful tool at your disposal to stop this affair.

FIM

Be factual.

Start out by telling the commander the problem as you see it. He already knows some things but it doesn't hurt to summarize all that you know as a lead in to the interview. Tell the commander how you found out, who the adultery is with, and her husband's unit, if you know it. If your husband has admitted it, include that information but also tell the commander whether your husband is still in contact, and whether he is actively working on your marriage.

Let him know how devastated you and the children are. It is, after all, a betrayal of the most sacred trust a man and woman have between each other. It's a highly emotional issue and don't avoid letting the CC know the pain this has caused you and the children. But do your best to keep it on a high plane.

Don't use "four-letter" words when talking about your husband or the OW. They may be awfully descriptive, and highly accurate, but they'll not be productive. Do NOT be spiteful. It won't advance your case.

Now, all you actually have to do is start explaining what has happened. The CC and 1/Sgt will have questions before you get too far and you should answer them as truthfully as you can. The conversation will take on a life of its own after what I'm sure you think right now will be an awkward beginning.

Again, are we taking AUS or Marine Corps? The handle their people a little differently.

I know what you mean I am former Marine and he is army but he is an E-6. WH has already gotten an NC order from command and as far as I know he has not seen her. but then again I have not been able to see what he has been up to since he has moved out. He has got a barracks room but stays at a friends house. I still belive he has not gotten physical but then again I did not see the EA till he told me about it.

His grade was going to be my next question. At about E-6, the military starts expecting a little more maturity from their NCOs. Let the CC know he's not staying in the barracks. Is the OW on base?

Yes she is and it is a very small base. He has notbeen commanded to stay at the barracks so he not disobeying order and I like the thought that a friend of mine is watching him a little. But the friend has been gone on leave for 2 weeks but came back today. My WH also up until this event has had a perfect record w/awards and accomidations. I am not saying this is all my fault but I must admit I did not work on me or the M in a long time.

Well, it wouldn't do any good for the CC to order him confined to the base then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You can be honest about not having been a perfect wife, btw, but fix it firmly in your mind that nothing on God's green earth justifies an affair...and you can make that opinion clear to the CC when you talk to him.

Also thank you faithinme, I welcome all support.

Oh, before I forget. If you know for a fact your husband is using his computer at work to send emails, etc., to her, mention this to the CC. That's a misuse of gov't property and he'll be interested. It's part of the MB principle of making sure there is no contact, period.

Do you have any ideas on talking to WH or do I just wait? He will be leaving for 3 week training in 2 weeks.

This is exposure, right? The rule of thumb is to not forewarn the spouse. Off the top of my head, since the CC knows you’re coming, he would have notified your husband if he thought it was appropriate.

I asked the CC not to tell WH I was coming in and I don't belive he will.

I'd follow your instincts.

That's just it I am not sure if I can trust them any more if I did I should have seen this EA right? I also want to snoop but everything is at his work. Or his car is always with him. What to do?

I am going to put my two cents worth in since I am the wife of an active duty Marine. I understand the whole exposure thing, but it sounds like your WH has already been told to stay away from the OW, right? I'm not sure what else you are trying to accomplish.

Just be careful because if your WH is the primary bread winner you do not want to lose that income or the benefits.

There are many here who will say tell everyone at work, he deserves it, and maybe he does, but just make sure you think of how the consequences will affect you and your children.

Just something to think about.

I meant your instincts about not telling husband you're going to see his commander.

Affairs happen only when the BS trusts the wayward spouse. It's not at all unusual not to see it coming and not recognize red flags except in retrospect. In other terms, your trust blinded you and he was able to use it to betray you.

Lost, I do understand what I am getting into when it comes to his command. The basic point I want to say to only his boss is to lay off my WH because my WH says it is getting to him and he being enlisted he feels that he can only back talk so much. His boss is a young unmarried officer that just keeps bugging him and I feel if he has question he should ask me to.

Ahhhhhhh, mhwag...that isn't going to fly.

Your husband is required by regulation to get involved and to make sure the offender's behavior changes. Frankly, his commander is doing him a BIG favor by not requesting charges be brought against your husband by the post commander. Adultery is a crime in the military, it affects TWO servicemen's readiness and they're not going to let it slide. The OWH, and HIS commander probably aren't going to let this get swept under the carpet. It's too bad the pressure your husband is under is "getting to him." He should have thought about that before he made his choices. He's an NCO and he knew the regulations on the subject. Unfortunately, he's going to pay, perhaps even with a shortened career, for the poor choices he's made. That's what happens with such choices. They have to be paid for sooner or later.