Ok now it is time to start taking care of YOU. Go get the P.T> job. Save some money. Get hair done, take care of you. What ever makes you happy ok? I put music on the dvd and cleaned the house with it on loud, cried when I felt the need. Get a journal and write -my journal was my best friend and went everywhere with me. I wrote alot somedays and none on other days. I cleaned this house alot and seperated our photos and my personal items of my memories. I was really making my plan and not going to go thru my stuff when emotions were at their peek. I can always put them back. I also stopped talking to Wh and pretended he was not there. He never heard a darn thing I said -if then house had been on fire and I screamed get out fire fire. He would have just sat there -saved himself and after it was out said where is realtor? So you see you need to just do for you. Go for rides in car and scream all you want.
Now listen your children are not babies -they can see what is goiong on. My sons I finally talked to them when I knew I was leaving and one was in Iraq but I had to tell hi. You know what they became my best friends thru all of this. We talki now 2-3X's a day. They have never broken my confidence in what they have been told for 3 yrs. So maybe one of them would be a start. My youngest and I were even thinking about an apartment together. It may be worth a try.

realtor,
Well, that makes a little sense. I am spending a lot of time next door in my office/vacant rental under the pretense of doing bookwork. I am doing some, but mostly posting here and cleaning and dreaming of a time I can move in here.

I don't feel I can tell my kids about this right now, as I mentioned above the impending divorce of BIL/SIL and the nervousness of the kids about that. I want to only tell them if I am seriously gonna do something and after I have had time to set money aside, so if anyone spills the beans I am somewhat prepared. I also don't want them to carry the burden of that kind of secret right now.

Part of the reason I feel my time is better spent at home right now is I am cleaning and sorting. That is something that seriously lacks in the busy season, so it is catch up time. Also, thinking ahead to who gets what and where do I keep it?

I may be getting a reprieve...H is really getting serious about this job for him and his brother out of town. If it goes like I'm hearing, H will be gone 5-7 days a week, every other week. So, that will give me a little breathing room. Also, it is pretty big money and we should be able to make some progress on a few things (nothing is behind by any means-just uncomfortable debt) and I can start stashing some. I don't want to walk away empty handed.

If he will go for this job, I will have some space. And let me tell ya, when we are snow covered, zero degrees and feeling a little cooped up, I want to strangle him! A bit ago we were having a late breakfast (internet was down) and he heard on cnbc a stock name and the price and he jumped and squeeled (sp), because it was doing what he wanted and he owned it. He went on and on and I finally said SHHHH! He knows it drives me crazy and sometimes I just have to do that...it is pretty lighthearted and a way to tell him to cool it.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm going to go find out what he learned about the job...he was just on the phone with his brother, who started the job for this company today. He was calling H to see if H had done his end of things...uh, no...he's trading. I'd put in the roll eyes thing but I'm on the wrong screen. Maybe BIL will see what I am talking about with this...no time for reality...only time for trading.

Well if he keeps trading BIL may not want him for the job. Tell him that and he will hear after all it is about him. I talked to my kids and they surprised me how much they already had figured out all on their own. So they know and as they freak out they know somehting is up and they are worried. Just ell them you are worried about H laziness. That should help them. Now you just relax and make a list of what you want -start small -new face cream ect. Maybe a hot oil treatment for your hair. Mine all of a sudden ntoiced after a couple of years that I was 75 lbs thinner and wearingNEW sexy undies and bra's -had a pedicure, new hair style, all of a sudden he asks me " What is going on?" Why all the new undies ect. (worried Honey?) I said what NEW stuff I've been wearing these for months and its all about ME now. WOW did he stand up straight or what. I continued and bought more. Found them at Ross $2.00 each so I bought as many as I could. He watched and watched then slowly very slowly came around. You see my hadstarted showering only in the am not at night. He works outside and we live in Fl. So who wants to have mr. stinky and have SF. Not me. After a few -not tonight dears you smell -he got the pic and took showers before bed - funny all of a sudden he is interested enough again but I held out for the showers first. See this is what is ment by your boundires.Little by little -you have to train them sometimes.

Hi SnS ~


Sure you are.


This is you trying to get your needs met by your husband.

You don't have anyone else to talk to? Well, thats your responsibility to find someone else.

I can't talk to my husband about alot of stuff. I save those conversations for another confidant...like my best friend, or my Al-Anon sponsor.

You can reach out and create those relationships for yourself too.

I used to have alot of reasons (all seemed very reasonable) why I couldn't have a job and be fully self-supporting.

Once I was forced to get over myself, and go get a job, I found out, that I was much happier and felt much more secure. I have my own 401k that my husband can not touch. I have my own income that I can support myself and kids if I need to. I no longer have to panic over whether or not I am going to be left financially destitute.

I guess my point is ... how do I do it?

I take responsiblity for my own happiness, and I make choices based on the reality of my situation, not on the reality (or husband) I want to exist.

While I can see how it would be beneficial not to be starving anymore, I'm finding it difficult to see the how this would not be a situation where one would become resentful.

I understand the acceptance portion of this concept...someone would only have a couple of choices, given this situation or a similar one. They don't have bread and milk at the power tools counter and no amount of banging your head against a wall is going to make it suddenly appear there. It just isn't there.

Somehow, it feels like accepting this would be like saying I think it's okay...that it's enough, even if it isn't.

Isn't the point to be each other's greatest source of happiness?

If your H isn't the central figure of your life, and you look to friends and others to meet those needs, what is the point in being married?

It seems like a H would benefit more from a situation like this.

It sounds empty. It sounds like someone doing this would be choosing not to have an empty life, but resigning to an empty marriage.

I'm not criticizing...just trying to understand.

Hi Froz ~


Acceptance means acknowledgement of the reality of what is, it doesn't mean that one agrees or likes it.


Is this the point of marriage? Sure. Is that achievable in a marriage with addiction? No.

The original question is "How" I "do it" in a marriage to an addict ~ not whether or not one (myself or SnS) should choose to stay.

The fact of the matter is that one can be happy, joyous and free, no matter if the addiction is active in the spouse or not.

Which ever choice is made, there are no victims, only volunteers.

Thanks for your response, BrambleRose.

Why would one choose to stay?

Would the same apply in marriages where an addiction was NOT present?

I understand that there are no victims, only volunteers. I've also been told they don't give medals to martyrs (my mother told me that).

So, in staying in a relationship where your EN's are not met, wouldn't leaving be choosing a life that isn't martyrdom? Or do you simply decide that it isn't that important to you, after all? What if it IS that important to you?

Thanks Rosie, that is going to be my new tag line!

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well ~ I choose to stay in a marriage that is not "perfect" and certainly one which POJA can not be practiced 100% of the time.

That doesn't mean I have to be miserable!! I am most certainly not miserable. I have many good things about my life, many reasons to be happy and grateful. There are many ways to find happiness and peace.

Yes, it would be really wonderful if my husband could be what I want him to be. But because he can't, doesn't mean my life is empty or miserable.

Why do I stay? For many reasons - primarily because it is, right now, in my kids best interest. But the idea that I stay for the kids means that I therefore must be full of resentment, and misery is a bunch of bunk.

It is what it is, and theres no point in sitting around being miserable that my needs aren't met by my husband.

Would it be wrong if you decided that a marriage like that is not what you wanted?

I really need some help to try to decide what to do with my situation.

Not accepting the situation for what it is is driving me crazy and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Trying to force it to be something it isn't is useless. It only serves to hurt and frustrate myself and to make him feel like an utter failure and I don't want to continue to repeat this futile cycle.

I know that my emotions cloud my judgment frequently and I really want to make a logical decision about this, rather than one based solely on emotion and I do feel as though I am at a bit of a crossroads...that I can continue on the current course of trying to make this something it isn't, or I can accept it for what it actually is, rather than what I hope for it to be, or I can choose to leave, if the first two options are not acceptable to me.

Honestly, the first option sounds more appealing than the second - continuing to try to hope that it will be a different situation (obviously, since that is what I keep doing).

Accepting the situation and resigning myself to a life where I look to find my greatest source of happiness outside my M sounds empty to me. Patriot and I don't have children together, so it wouldn't necessarily be a reason to stay together, although my children do love him. My kids will both be gone in just a few short years and if I stayed for that reason, it wouldn't be a long-term decision.

The financial contributions are nice, but not necessary. I can provide for myself. I really wouldn't want to stay for any other reason that to have a rewarding fulfilling marriage. A rewarding and fulfilling LIFE - I can pursue that one on my own.

I feel more than a little mixed up and I don't want to live this way anymore. It's already been a long time - and it's hurting me and hurting him to keep trying to give what he has to offer and it not be enough.

I really don't know what to do, but I don't want to continue on the current course. I fear the change, but I don't want to perpetuate misery. I want to do something different, but I don't know what to do.

I apologize for the threadjack...would it be appropriate to take this somewhere else?

Hi BR,
I saw this last night shortly after you posted it but I couldn't get to my computer to post. And, I have been thinking about it real hard.

That bit you quoted...well shortly after I posted it, it hit me between the eyes. Duh. I am trying to get my need met by my husband. So, yes, I understand that one. It still strikes me as sad that I can't get that from him. And that is why I am frustrated.

I do not think I need to get over myself, as if I'm that important?, to get a job. If I go get a job it will be for space, independence and time away from husband. I believe it would help in a few areas, and hinder in more.

H and I decided to conduct our family a certain way as it was getting started. He would work and I would stay home, and it was very important for us for me to be home. We are still committed to that, as we have one more in school. I could go work without a lot of harm to him, but like I said, there is alot going on right now with our own kids and my niece, BIL, impending divorce etc. to rock the boat too much.

After d-day I wanted recovery. I wanted change in behaviors that led up to the A (#3 by the way). He wants his needs met. I want my needs met. I have changed a lot...he has changed a lot. But, trading was a big issue before and it is a big issue now. And it gets in the way of US. I can be happy by myself...I have to. But that isn't what I want. I want to be happy with him. Does that make any sense?

So, I can sense you may say, that is my responsibity. And that's true. This is what I am trying to decipher for myself...how important is it to have him be part of my happiness?

to be continued...

Froz,



This is what I am struggling with. I feel resentful that he isn't meeting my needs. He wants his met. I want mine met. If it is ok for me to get my needs met outside the marriage, it would then be ok for him as well. And we had a problem last time he looked outside for his needs. It doesn't make sense to me for that to be ok. And that is why I feel vulnerable. Letting someone else meet my needs could lead to problems I think. Because I'm lonely. And not just for female attention.



Yes, that's how it seems to me too. Entitlement. He gets his needs met. Do I? That seems like the selfish nature of an addict.

BR,



Yes, I wanted to know how you do it because I obviously have chosen (volunteered) to stay. So, I need to make the best of it. I just ain't that good at it. I have mad progress on me, but there is a way to go.


Was gonna edit out above...I said I have mad progress...I meant made. Hmmm. I kinda like mad better so I'm leaving it.

sugar

I bumped a thread up for you to read

"Willard F Harley is a smart man" ... weird title, I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Froz,



This is why I posted. I am right in the middle of my sitch all day every day and I don't always feel like I see it clearly.

I don't know if my sitch is different than other addicts (probably not) but if my H's current addiction were still alcohol, and he sat around drunk rather than trading, what would I do? Why is it different because it is trading. And what would others advice me to do then? The behaviors are the same, the excuses etc are all there.



You don't have to take it somewhere else. Please stay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bramblerose,

I admire you for your decision. I understand it, I really do. I am trying to figure out if I can or if I want to do it too.

Thanks Pep,,,,I'll go look it up.

You are feeling very lonely in your M. Have you told this to your H ? I sometimes used to write things to my WH -talking seemed to just go over his head. I would write and hold onto it and reread it several times -to make sure I did not LB. I would explain just how I felt and what I needed. It did seem to get results.

I wish I could buy milk and bread at the local hardware store too. But I can't. Instead of frustration over that fact, I simply get my milk and bread where it CAN be found, and let go of my self-will. Sure it would be nice to have the universe revolve around MY personal desire to find milk and bread sold at hardware stores, but since that is outside of my sphere of control, I don't waste my time being frustrated and angry.


My comment was about ME. *I* had to get over myself.

I too had an agreement with my husband when we got married that I would stay home and take care of the kids. I was at home for 10 years. During those 10 years, I worried constantly and often fought with my husband over money. I refused to get a job because I believed that I was so important in my children's lives that they couldn't thrive without me at home every day.

When I got over my ego, I found that my children actually DID BETTER when I went to work and let other adults interact with them. My husband and I both look at each other and kick ourselves that I did not go sooner. This is simply my situation, my family, and my choices that I am describing.


Thats fine. I don't know what your answers are, I can only tell you what mine were. But....you can't change your mind?

You do know the definition of insanity?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and yet each time, expecting a different result.

Of course, those crushed expectations lead to grave anger and resentment.


Not quite sure why someone else's divorce is keeping you from taking responsibility in your own life...but ok.


You want...


"I want, I want, I want..."

Sure it makes sense that you want those things. I completely get that.

I too want lots of things I can't have.

I want New Jersey to be 75 degrees and sunny on Christmas day.

I want to be at least 4 inches taller.

I want my husband to be emotionally and phsycially freed of alcoholism.

I want world peace.

I want lots of stuff.

None of which I can control.


Only you can make that choice. Me...I just chose to be happy.

It's not about fair.

Uh...there is nothing virtuous about my choice to stay. But thanks.

You won't be able to understand it until you've let go of self will, learned acceptance, and handed over everything to someone or something more powerful than yourself.