I have a question for anyone out there I am confused about something. At one point Dr. Harley says in one of his letter on surviving infidelity (In part 4) "After all, an affair is hatched with full knowledge of how much pain it will inflict on an unsuspecting spouse after it's discovered. It reflects a wanton disregard for the feelings of someone that was supposed to have been cherished and protected for lfe"
then in another letter, (and I cannot find it now, it figures)he states something like "Affairs were made to be kept secret from the BS" or something to that effect..... so I ask, ...
"Which is it?"
Both. Neither. I think what you're seeing in those conflicting statements is descriptive of the conflict in the WS. Unless it's a
revenge affair or something of that nature, the WS doesn't engage in the affair specifically to hurt their partner. In most cases, they've simply given up on the marital relationship as one that is never going to satisfy their needs.
That said, they're not quite ready to throw in the towel altogether. More often than not, there are some practical reasons for that...shared children, mutual assets, etc. But there's also something less tangible at work. It's my belief that oftentimes the WS truly IS still in love with their partner. They still have some small secret hope for reconciling the relationship.
After reconciliation, a WS who has stepped out of the
fog will often report that he "just wasn't thinking at all". He can't even identify with his previous thought-process. BS's often say that "it's like their mate was abducted by aliens". Interestingly enough, a recovered WS often feels that way too.
I think that in some ways, the problem is NOT that our mates don't love us anymore. It's more that they can't
feel their love for us. That certainly goes a long way to explaining the old
"I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" junk that most of us have heard before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
It could be that there are more urgent feelings at work. Not just the "feel-good" emotions that the WS associates with the affair partner, but the negative feelings that the WS associates with his spouse. These feelings will
block the more tender emotions. It's hard to feel 'love' when we're angry or resentful.
There's lots of time in a twenty-year marriage for unresolved petty conflicts to evolve into anger and resentment. There's a certain amount of complacency often at work too that can leave both partners feeling undervalued and left wanting in the fulfillment of their ENs.
Add to that the Midlife Crisis. This is something that you absolutely cannot be dismissive of. I truly believe that their is something physiological at work here...a temporary imbalance in the body's chemical makeup. The symptomology is just too universal to be explained as anything else.
Men in MLC are looking for those 'feel-good' chemicals in order to feel better. 'The little red sportscar' is practically a cliche' that we can attach to the phenomenon, as is the extramarital affair, and increased libido. These guys are looking for that quick-fix they can get in the release of dopamine to their brains.
I haven't got the
science for you, but the imbalance seems to be caused in the midlfe guy's available levels and usage of neurotransmitters...seratonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, etc. When these things are out of whack, he's just not feeling like himself. He's subject to depression, and he'll be subconsciously looking for ways to make himself feel better.
Anyway, all I can say to you is that my marriage has survived the male midlife crisis and my husband's subsequent EA. It was hurtful for me, but at the same time there's been a remarkable healing in our relationship.
When I recognized that my husband was going through a crisis in his life (and in his health), I was able to access my
sympathy for him. I was comforted to have some kind of explanation for his bizarre behavior, and more willing to comfort
him in turn. This was really sooooo much more preferable than believing he was just a JERK who didn't care about hurting people.
There are lots of folks who aren't nearly as lucky as me in the transitional nature of the problem. Those BS's who are dealing with narcissism and other psychological deficits affecting their parner, will have alot more difficulty in resolving the relationship.
All that said, you still can't chalk it all up to MLC and neglect ENs. Plan A is an important strategy in breaking up affairs, but it is ALSO instrumental in the reconcilliation process.
Just because you've gained some ground doesn't necessarily mean the the 'crisis' is past. There's still work to be done. Sadly, the BS ends up doing more than their fair share here. Afterall, the BS isn't the one who's having the mental meltdown. It takes time for a former WS to start reciprocating fully in the process.
What helps alot is to realize that your partner can NEVER pay you back for the hurt he's caused. There is NO COIN for something like that. It's a debt that must be 'written off'.
That doesn't mean that you have to lay down like a rug and let him walk all over you. It's a new day...with new accountability. But forgiveness IS necessary if you're going to continue in the marriage.
My husband and I reached an agreement on this. I forgave him for EVERYTHING in our entire 20+ year history. He would never hear another word thrown back into his face about any previous transgression, no matter how big or how small. But then I asked the same of him. Total forgiveness for EVERY previous transgression. No more baggage to be carried forward for either of us.
Amazingly enough, it's easier than you would think to clean up all those years of built up resentment. All it requires really is that you remind yourself DAILY that you elected to forgive.
The only other thought that I have for you is....that it's important to separate your 'needs' from your 'wants'.
Wants are nice, but they're just a condiment. For right now, it's good enough to be addressing the 'biggies', the deal-breakers in the relationship. For me, those are things like fidelity and fiscal responsibility. It helped me alot to recognize that my truest needs were in actuality being met again. I was able to get some perspective and adjust my expectations in a way that allowed me to be more aware of my husband's contributions.
No, I wasn't getting everything I wanted, but I was getting what I needed. As time went by and the relationship continued to improve, I was able to notice that I was starting to get some of my 'wants' met too. And while I still don't get every little 'want' met today....I AM getting most mine met and continuing to meet most of his.
Anyway, that was a long ramble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> But the bottom line is that developing some understanding of
why your partner went awry will help you utilize sympathy for him. When you can sympathize to a greater degree, your Plan A will become easier to accomplish...both more constructive and more effective.
