H is a great dad. He really loves his kids and does alot more than alot of dad's I know of. That's one thing I don't have any issues about.

well i'm glad you are not wanting to talk bad about him because as you will see, his behavior is the LAST thing will help you try to change. at least not directly.

YOU change.

YOU learn how to be a healthier spouse.

and i garuntee, your marriage will change and so will he.

how much fight do YOU have in you???

I guess I prob don't have too much fight in me

That is good. At least you have that going for you. Some do not.

You know how I feel about being honest with him so I am not going down that road again.

I am going to tell you, that you need to work on you. Not that you are a bad person but all of us have issues and I think by you becoming a better you, it will show him you are worth staying for.

I know that is an over simplification, but I really believe that.

Scaredmom,

Has it occured to you or your H that his lack of focus could be ADD? Seriously children have lots of energy, 20 something do as well, but it starts to be more focused. Your H sounds as if he COULD read if he could stay focussed on the material but if he has ADD it is almost impossible for him to do so.

Now matter what he needs to address this if he wants to succeed in this world. As for telling him, I think it is necessary, but before that some changes in your marriage might make it easier. You probably don't have much in common other than sex, because of the kids, because of work, because of financial pressure, and because yes he is not as emotionally mature as you. (I am a male by the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).

However, before you get too puffed up about his lack of maturity, recall that you tried drugs and had an affair, which is NOT a very mature way to handle a unhappy marriage.

So you both have some growing to do in these areas. As for the arguing there are a variety of strategies that would be useful to stop these arguements. Good communications is one of them. For help on this we need more details and examples.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

ok, well he's always, always negative, I call this fussing,he argues that he's not fussin just stating facts, if he doesn't like something I cook, he has no problem telling me, maybe that's not a good ex. I guess he should be able to tell me things like that but it's like he does this all the time. We both work full time, he fusses when I wash mine and the kids clothes and don't wash his clothes

I have told him he has ADD, he just gets mad

gotta go to lunch, ttyl

Scaredmom,

Of course he gets mad. It is a normal reaction to deny something that makes you feel less than you really are. However, let's view this from a different angle. You have three children ADD seems to have a hereditary component to it, so it is important to see if HE actually has it.

There are are more reasons you can offer him.

1. If he does, and he addresses it he will be a better father, he will be able to read to the kids, he will be able to help them with their homework, and believe me he will need to especially if you to divorce.

2. He will become a better wage earner which is a very good thing for the kids.

3. He will find he can handle more difficult things better and that will help his kids.

In all there is NO down side to him finding out if he has ADD, and a huge upside for the kids if he does and addresses it. He needs to address this for the kids AND himself.

Do some more reading Scaredmomof3, I think you two may have a future, if you both decide to make one rather than argue about things. Recall if he has ADD his attention span is not going to be long, and attempts at long conversations will only frustrate him and mean you won't get the results you desire.

Just some more thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

regarding your example of his comments about your cooking.

first, that is a fine example. in fact, my H is not always the most gracious when it comes to realizing that my efforts to cook meals for him deserves his thanks, not his critism.

the question i have for you is when he makes a comment about how some food was not good, how do you respond??

if you are at all like me, you go into defensive mode on the outside and probably hurt on the inside.

here is something to think about. how about you just accept the information as just that. information. he did not really like the meal that he ate today. accept is as if he was telling you how he ate at some cafeteria that day for lunch and the lunch he ate was not good. de-personalize if for a second. (ok, for longer than a second). how would you respond if he were to tell you about a not so enjoyable meal he had from a cafeteria? i bet that response is different than when it is you that made the food. right?? and it only makes sense. it IS more personal when it is you that made the food. but start out by de-personalizing it.

then LATER, when perhaps the kids are in bed and the day is winding down. tell him how you felt when he said what he said about your cooking. tell him as if you were talking about some other person saying something not so favorably about something you have done.

in fact, tell us, how does it make you feel when he says he did not like what you cooked.

and then tell him too. but tell him later, AFTER you have already shown him you have accepted his feelings of not liking the food. and tell him in a way that is just to inform him, not to scold him for saying what he said. but instead, say "DH, this is how i felt when you said that" if he tries to say why he said what he said, don't argue with him. just say. i understand but i just want you to know how that comment made me feel. and then say "what you choose to do with that information is your decision"

repeat yourself CALMLY as many times as you need.

"i just thought you should know how that comment made me feel".

see, now you are not trying to tell him he is wrong for not liking your food, you are not even trying to tell him he is wrong for expressing his opinion. you are merely trying to inform him how his comment impacts you. for his own information.

what do you think??

by the way... how was your lunch today??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

lunch was alright, fattening but you know. Of course it hurts my feelings when he complains about stuff I cook. He acts like it shouldn't bother me 'cause he's not sayin I did a bad job cooking it, it's just something he doesn't really care for or it's just not juicy enough or whatever it might be. Yes it does bother me more than it would if he were talkin about cafeteria food, as long as I'm not in the cafeteria with him, lol. It's prob worse dealin with his dislike of cafeteria food if I'm there with him 'cause he will fuss and fuss and cause a major scene, and he does this all the time. He really is a very negative person. That's a good idea about waiting til the kids go to bed to try and calmly discuss it. There's always soooo much noise and just stress in general in my household until those kids go to bed then the stress is in the mess and the mess is endless. I do live a stressful life

my lunch was ok too.

i am leaving the office in a few minutes. i don't generally post over the weekend. just so you know.

so what do you think? think YOU can change and grow and possibly find some way to save your marriage???

tough question i know. don't answer it quickly. i hope you really think on it some. and i also hope you can find a way to have a less stressful weekend and enjoy some part of it.

you say you don't have much fight in you. i hope you can look in your kids eyes and find some fight. we can help you. but you have to be willing to really look at yourself and be open to changing.

I don't think he's completely against the thought that he might have ADD or in his case I'd call it ADHD but he just is somewhat defensive of it. Whatdya do about that though? I seriously doubt that he'd get on med for it. He's got issues with drugs for stuff like that. I think our oldest son might have it and in discussion he's told me he'd never let him take med for it if it was diagnosed.

Would he let your child take insulin if he were diabetic? sorry this is one of my pet peeves. I have ADD daughter and have been diagnosed myself.

I'm sorry he feels this way.

I may have missed this, but would he go to marriage counseling with you?

Hi Scaredmomof3 -
Which name fits quite well right now, but we hope it doesn't a year into the future.

You are starting to get suggestions now. They often come fast, and furious.

Lets kind of review a few things if you don't mind me doing so.

Marriage builders was founded by Dr. Willard F. Harley JR. He specializes in the very same problem that you are trying to cope with.

He and his staff are good at what they do. Think on that.
Dr Harley isn't working on theory "I wonder if this will work."
He uses years of experiance from both himself and others when he recommends a course of action (like telling a spouse.) Remember, this is a review, not a recommendation for you to take action - just keep reading, and thinking.

It has been suggested that both you, and your H will need to fix yourselves before going to another relationship. If not, the next relationship is likely to fail also.

I acknowledge that your H has faults, and failings. If I were God I could assign a percent of fault to your failing marriage. (But I am not, and I won't.) I just want to use this as an example of the above statement about fixing yourselves before moving on. Lets say for the purposes of this discussion that the problems in your marriage are 98% your H's fault, and 2% your fault. You have the chance to do something about the 2%. This may be the best chance you ever have.

At this site, You have helpers who have been where you are, and come through it, and you have a cheering section to give suppport.

Remember that we are fellow travelers. We do offer support, and advice, but I highly recommend calling the Harleys for counseling. You will get help from the fourms, but calling would get you a personal recovery plan so much more quickly. It would also help you manage the stress you are under and find a measure of happiness more quickly.

If you want to recover personally, if you want to acquire skills that will help you succeed as a parent, and a wife (no matter if with your H, or someone else if he leaves.) then stick around and learn all that you can.

I have learned (since I came here about 4 years ago) that I couldn't change my W. I learned that I could only change myself, so I work on that.

I also learned that almost everyone will respond to change for good. I started to meet her needs, and avoid love busters, and she responded by better meeting my needs almost as if by magic.

There really is something to what you learn here and it will help. It may not change your H, and he may leave. There is nothing you or I can do to force success in your marriage as it is now, but we can promise success for your personally if you will learn and change yourself. IN this case, success also means happiness.

You need to make a personal choice - but I promise you this material is worth the time and effort.

You are worth it too - that's another thing you will come to understand if you stick around long enough.

Pamper yourself a little bit. Stick around and you'll find out what personal recovery is all about. It won't be easy, but you are worth the effort. I am sure your three children would agree with me up on that.

SS

as I already said, he's very stubborn. It doesn't matter what kinda fight I put up, when he has an opinion about something he sticks to it strong. I'm not sure, I think there's a chance he would. We have met together with a deacon in our church about a year ago, (who knew my situation) and he was willing then but we don't have any $ and I've kinda got issues with counselors and stuff. Had a bad experience in a MHosp. over a year ago. The psych. told me if I didn't tell H what's been goin on he was going to. I totally lost it at that point, they made me sit up front for hrs after I lost it

I'm sorry you had a bad experience. Some insurance companies offer free counseling on a short time basis.

Maybe you could go back to meeting with someone from church?

Scaredmomof3,

You said something that I think really really needs to be discussed with your H.
So let's see. Your H is not a happy person. He has a W that has had an affair on him. She is so afraid of him that she will NOT tell him the truth. His marriage is going down the tubes. And he cannot read or learn much because he is hyper.

So to quote Dr. Phil "How's that workin fer ya or him?" The reality is IF your sun has ADHD, and I mean truely has it, not the stupid diagnosis that goes on in schools because boys don't act like girls, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> then you and your H are condemning your son to alot of failure in his life, and may permenantly deprive him of achieving what he is fully capable of.

Would either of you truely sign up for that? So what could be done. Given that your H may have the same ADHD, then the couragous thing for your H to do is get diagnosed, if he has ADHD or something like get the meds and take them. THEN, he might be able to offer some informed ideas about how to take care of your son.

I will tell you that many boys in our schools are diagnosed with ADHD, and many don't have it. But, for the few that truely have it, the medication has been nothing short of a miracle. I mean I have seen D/F students turn into A/B students in a matter of months. IT can be just amazing. To deny your son this, or even your H via his stupidity, and it is stupidity, is criminal.

You need to talk to him long and hard about it. Further, if divorce is truely in the cards inform him you will follow doctors advice regarding the children. Just remember young boys are developing rapidly and alot of the lack of attention is in fact due to the huge growth spurts they grow through.

I will offer you this experience with my kids. They all grew in huge spurts (an inch or two in a week period) and when they were in the middle of these growth spurts they could not spell CAT, if you spotted them two letters. Once it was over, then they returned to normal. It affects males more than females because males grow to a larger size and often do it in shorter time.

As you can tell, I am worried about alot more than your A here, and you should be as well.

God Bless,

JL

My son isn't really bad off at this point, it was just discussion about the possibility of ADD. I don't think I'd put him on med at this point as he's so young. But he hasn't been diagnosed or anything, like I said it was just discussion. Although I do seriously think my H has some form of it. He just doesn't like to address things that might be wrong with him, understandably, we all like to deny our bad qualities. But he buys into all that stuff you hear about how ADD drugs turn ppl into zombies and stuff. Plus he really just doesn't like drugs