got it. thanks a million. My Bro in law is supportive. Showed him the site/thread and he agrees with the concepts. In Laws seem supportive. She did not go to work today. I just went by her place. Blinds are all closed (not like her, she likes the sun) and her car is there. So she's either holed up trying to sleep this nightmare away and/or thinking what have I done or trying to plan something against me or the evidence. You're right about feeling better after the exposure. And just wanting to help her. I know she's scared and she has to know I'm not trying to hurt her. It's like it's not really her. Like it's someone else that took over her and she has to be snapped back. Like an exorcism. Or a intervention. But doesn't she have to want to come back or want to be helped to be able to open the door back home? Is that what the exposure is supposed to do? Do I keep exposing if she keeps denying? I'm 6-4 and 240 pounds didn't think I'd need help finding my balls. But thanks for helping me...

ltw, now that you have hopefully busted up this affair, there is a chance she will want to come back in time. As long as the affair was afoot, you had very little chance.

She is getting ready to take a hard fall, and you will want to be there to catch her by practicing MB principles. That means you avoid lovebusters and you be as supportive of her [her GOOD actions, not her bad!!!] as possible. Let her know that you and the kids love her and would welcome her back.

If her affair ends, she will go through withdrawal. As she withdraws, she should draw towards you. It will take time, so just be patient.

And yes, most WS are not themselves when they are in an affair. They are like completely different people. But she can come back, don't despair!

You only expose some more if the affair continues. And if she denies, just let her know that everyone knows the truth, they don't need her admission. Don't even ASK her if its true, everybody knows it.

Very glad your BIL is here! HE sounds like a great guy.

bump up for more input

Let it sink into her! I am so proud of you man! Damn I love when newbies are swift to the advice. Just prepare yourself for a lot of nonsense right now. Because none of it will make sense. Do not get discouraged by her actions. AND THOSE KIDS DO NOT GO ALONE WITH HER RIGHT NOW!
Okay?

Her brother talked to her today for a couple of hours. She was mad that he was 'on my side' He said it wasn't sides but just he didn't want to see us broke up. She says she can't stay in the relationship because we don't trust each other, there's something missing in our relationship and that she thinks I have talked crap about her. She says she is going to get a divorce. She has had talks with a lawyer about 6 months ago for info but didn't do anything but she sure could easily start the process these last couple of days. She is supposed to come over tonight to be with the kids. So now I just try to not make her any more angry but when do I start talking about stuff. She did admit there was the A to her bro but it's been not as intense lately. When he brought up the latest evidence (graphic christmas cards)she said she still has him as a close friend. To me that might not mean it's over. So now what? Just stand by and let her anger disapate and then try to talk to her? But if she has started D process is it reaction to the exposure or what?

ltw, has she called you to talk about this yet?


Did you burst out laughing when he said this?

not laughing but said I said how can we work on that if we don't spend time together. She hasn't said anything to me yet. She came over to be with the boys. She answered questions I asked of her, how's your day etc. no R talk. She wanted to take the boys snowboarding on Sunday but they didn't really want to go. So she is pissed about that. Probably blaming it on me. I triied to suppoet her with them about going. but they seem to just want to hang out with both of us together. So, they just went out to get some ice cream and will be back in a minute. We'll see how the night progresses.

If you read alot of the stories here you will see that MANY (majority) of Waywards who get defrauded and exposed don't FILE for the divorce they rant and rave about. Yeah, sure they talk a good game, but honestly, I think the actual case of a Wayward fully filing and serving a divorce to a BS after having been exposed is pretty low (initially at least).

Your WW is gonna eventually probably explode on you for this exposure....you could not have possibly thought any different right? I'd just bunker down, realize that she is gonna threaten everything under the sun, but usually like most Waywards she won't be able to keep her word on it (even the divorce threat).

I am actually interested in knowing how you can possibly even question that your WW's affair is still not over when OM is still a "close friend". I don't think you should even question this. ASSUME she is still "intensively" in the affair.

I think you have a done a great job in exposing this affair. Your WW may not still ever come back to you, but at the very least you have given yourself a chance. If you would have let the affair continue, you'd have never even got that chance. You have done good.

Time to take back your self respect and dignity.

You can't ever make anyone do something they don't want to do. You can't control if your WW chooses to serve you with divorce papers. You can't control if she flips out on you and is verbally venemous to you with anger, etc................BUT you sure as he** can control how you REACT to her actions.

You'll need to remember this over the ensuing days.

Goodluck

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Does she know yet that she has been exposed to the OM's parents and her parents? Do you know?

she should know that she has been exposed. When she took the kids out to get some ice cream last night they told me later that she was asking them what I would want for my birthday and stuff as it is coming at the end of the month. What's that mean? She really didn't say much to me last night. She stayed at our home put the boys to bed layed with them til we all went to bed and I heard her leave @ 11:30. Probably do the same tonight. I think I'll let her settle down for a while and try to talk to her at the end of the weekend. Her bro said he would be a moderator if needed.

ltw, I think you have good idea to wait until the weekend. However, you and your W are going to have to learn to communicate openly so maybe it would be a good idea to start doing that now, without your BIL there.

yeah I know, But it is hard when I ask her something (non R wise) and I just get a one word answer. She is really withdrawn. So do I keep up with trying small talk and then say we have to talk about our R at the end of the weekend. I could start with did she start the D proceedure. Seems like her biggest issues are how can we trust each other(her A, me snooping & talking to people, She's afraid she'll get these feelings again of wanting something else. She thinks I am the reason why the kids get pissed at her. That I say stuff to them.. Which ios not true. I try to support her withthem and I tried last night when she wanted to take them snowboarding this weekend and they didn't really want to go. Not realizing, I guess, that she is the one that moved out, etc. I seem to have no chance as long as she blames me for all the things that were brought on by her. So how do I get her out of that fog? If she does go to the mountains with her girlfriend and her kid they would spend the night up there. Should I talk to her friend and say she is real emotional right now and that she needs to hear that D is not the answer etc? And then when she gets back her and I can talk about everything. Maybe she will be cooled down enough. I saw on another thread that it could take about 3 weeks to start talking or at least to open up a little.

she's doing alot of the fog stuff I guess. Says she never was attracted to me from day 1. Says she had EN not met. I say we can work on those things, we can work on everything. She says it's nor in her heart. She says that in a few years she'll get bored again. She says sure everyone will be hurt if we D but in a few years it will all be OK. She is so convinced that it can't work between us. That she doesn't like the way i kiss. Well why didn't you say that before so we could work on it. She says you'll never have the chance to do it again so why should I. So this conversation ended with I'll never feel for you again. Or something like that. I just said yes you will. And she drove off.

Sounds to me like she's taking chapter and verse out of the WS handbook and spouting the words to you verbatim. Melody already told you this was going to happen. The road ahead has lots of curves, hills and valleys. Don't get caught up in expecting immediate and substantive behavioral changes. This isn't a computer game and things won't happen overnight. It took a long time for this affair to flower and grow in WW's mind; it'll take a long while for it to fade into nothingness.

Have you exposed to everyone whose knowledge would put pressure on the affair? I can’t find where you exposed in their workplaces. I was wondering if there was a reason you didn’t I’ve missed on your thread?

Hang in there. We’re with you.

Yes she does sound textbook and I keep telling that to myself to keep calm as possible. I haven't exposed to her work. I don't think there is that big a pressure connection. I know it got to her telling her parents because she is trying to blame me if her Dad has a heart attack. I talked to her Dad today and he laughed at that one. Her parents still want to sit her down but she is avoiding that. Should I check in with OP' Dad? Her brother had a 2.5 hour talk. She said that he wasn't going to change her mind, blah,blah. But he's going to talk to her again because of more research he's done. He's in med. field. It's hard to not give little LB's and it;s hard to make deposits when there's not much interaction. I guess I just stand by and try my best. I did leave a voicemail for her after she left today saying i love her I know she's upset and this is not going to be a easy thing but we can do it. So now what...

Does she know that her brother knows she is getting it on with a boy? Does she know that the boy's parents know? Does she know that her parents know?

Don't worry about all the stuff she is saying about your marriage, like Longhorn said, it is classic fogbabble that will all change once she withdraws.

yep she knows they know the whole story. Now we have to wait for it to die a painful death. Her world is rocked even though she tries to act cool. Lot's of fog babble I know but it stings none the less. She knows now that what rumors she has denied in the past are true. She hasn't gone to work. She's disappearred today. I hope not meeting with OP or his friend but who else can she talk to? Everyone else close to her would think she is totally f'd up. I'm sure she is going to try to spin it on me with the babble. Or she would go file D papers in rage but she has to think how would she ever win(for lack of better term). Help me keep my chin up people. Talk about drama...

The boy has a friend who is enabling the affair? I think that's the first mention of a friend of the OM's.

Also, I gather your wife has been throwing the "just friends" dogma around the last few days. How about getting the book Not "Just Friends" by (Doctor) Shirley P. Glass? It has a lot of information in it. I don't know if you could leave it laying on the coffee table as a hint or not. This soon, that would probably come across as too heavy handed. But you know her best.

He has one friend who knows about it. I doubt she would go to him though for comfort. Thanks for the book title, I'll look for it this weekend. As for first mention of the friend maybe it is here, but the OP Dad know's of the friend and I'm going to get an update from him soon. He and the Mom threatened the OP pretty good but you know how that is when 'you're in love'. I'm not dumb that it's gonna just be done like that. So I should check in with the Dad and see what the punk has been up to. I think you're right about being heavy right now as she is in deep fog. Like I said she's pretty much out of contact today. Drove by her apt. car not there. Not on line. Not at work. Etc. Her bro is getting ready to talk to her again. As well as her parents. I know she is doing all the textbook stuff but i still worry about her. She's either just by hersel thinking about all this, Or with OP. Or maybe revealing herself to a friend who would try to be comforting or say some things she wants to hear. Like 'you should follow your heart, everyone will get over this soon and then it will be all sunshine. Little does she know that road will be the darkest.

Ok she just called. Asked what the kids were doing. Sounded OK but flat. Asked if kids made any plans. I said not really, a bunch of their friends are over. Then I think she said she'll be over in a little bit and hung up. So we'll see how it goes.