Good luck. Hang tough. The rollercoaster could be about to start.

So far the rollercoaster is pretty flat. WW is around. Acting OK. Not too friendly. Pretty much only talking when she has too. All expected. She and our kids and some of kids friend went up to the mountains for an overnighter. Another Mom went too. Don't know if they'll get into R stuff. I think WW just wanted to get away from town. So I'm keeping up with plan A, just wondering how long I should wait to start talking about R . Don't want to be pushy and turn off. Guess you just have to feel these things out.

ltw...

I believe the best way to go about it, if you can, is to let her start the R talks...you just go about things as normally as possible, essentially ignoring the elephant in the room...

The time in our relationship when my H made the crossover from what I viewed as "needy"/"clingy" to the confident man that I've known since the beginning was the turning point for me. He has said that that was essentially when he had "given up" so to speak, and began to think, "I'm just going to enjoy the time that I have with her, I don't know what the future will hold, but right now, I have my family intact." That gave him himself back in some ways, which is the person that I originally loved...does that make some sense to you?

For us, that time period was during the summer, and he began to do things like cook out on the grill for us...we joined a local community pool...he made plans for us to go to Cedar Point(amusement park)...went to movies...anything fun...It worked "wonders" for us...A lot of our relationship talks came when we had been having a good time...to me that made them the best that they could be...

Mrs. W

Agreed, I have been just going with the flow since the exposure. WW brother is riding her [censored] about what she did and the consequences. Having her home when the kids and their friends are around having a great time is hopefully making her think. You're right about R talking when doing something together etc. We had a good one while wrapping Christmas presents a few weeks ago. That's when I know of the A but was waiting on the proof. So played it cool and got more info from her and told her how I felt about rebuilding us to where we once were and beyond. Hopefully soon she will agree to go to the movies or dinner or something. I think maybe the first time we do, there should be no R talk. YEs? So no pressure. But I do want to know what she is planning on doing or if she even knows yet.

OK guru's, here's the sitch. Lst night we got along fine. Packing all the kids and their friends stuff for the snow. No R talk. No real connection but at least talking and working together. Then they went up there and she called a couple times for advice on things and then called again tonight. Talked for awhile about theior day. Not just a yes/no/we are fine, talk but with a little detail. That sounds good but I'm not taking it to seriously. Still on the watch for OP. I don't think they, especially him, could drop it this quickly.

ltw...

Good...stay vigilant about contact w/ OM...let her be the one to bring up the R talks...if you've been doing a lot of that, and now you back off a bit, then she'll start to "wonder" what's up and hopefully be inspired to get the ball rolling in that direction...Kind of a Plan A/180 thing...

Mrs. W

yep, I haven't said anything about the R since the exposure days. But that wasn't too long ago. I've been real nice talking to her on the phone. Tip: smiling while you talk DOES come over on the phone. So I think plan A is going OK. Don't want to seem clingy. So do I bring up OM and say have you seen him and of course she's going to deny. Or do I just keep eyes out for clues etc.

Asking her about contact with OM is pretty pointless, as it is unlikely that she'll be truthful about it...your best bet is to snoop...keylogger, cell phone records, voice activated digital recorder, etc. Remember, should you discover something, do not reveal your sources to her...you just say, "I know that you've been in contact with OM"...you don't have to prove the A to her, she already knows about it...but we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it...

Mrs. W

I think I'll check in with OP's Dad. I have been thinking about it but haven't. Just have to break the ice. Don't really feel like calling and saying 'so do you know where your punk [censored] kid's been today' but I'd like to work in the thought that I'm watching so he's never comfortable but then that blows my cover so to speak.

ltw...

OP's dad is fine to check in with...she already knows he's a possible source of info because of exposure...when you talk to OP's dad, just reiterate that you are doing whatever it takes to save your marriage, and enlist his help by asking that he contact you if he learns of contact between his son and your w...OP's dad should be amicable to this...as he doesn't want his kid involved w/ your wife either...can you talk to the boy's mother at all?

Can you put recorders in her car and apartment? In reading your thread, I am really surprised that there doesn't seem to be an explosion of anger from your W regarding exposure...has she said nothing, or did I miss something???

Mrs. W

Sure I could talk to either of the parents. I could put one in her car but it would always be going if sound activated because of radio on, etc. As for the anger, yes there was a pretty text book exchange with the why did you have to tell my parents, I'm not attracted to you, you don't know how to kiss me the way I like, how can we trust each other, we have no respect for each other, blah, blah blah. It settled down but I think it will rise again once her brother talks to her again and says some stuff that he didn't say the first time he talked to her. Actually he's writing her a letter and then he's going to follow up on it in person. Her Mom hasn't sat her down yet I don't think. She was avoiding her but we saw them at our kids game and WW acted like everything was fine so I don't know if they talked but I'm going to check in with them today too. Her brother is also going o talk to her best friends. He doesn't care if she is pissed at him. And says that will basically save some LB on me.

Okay, I'm not sure about the tape recorder thing...since I am the FWS, I haven't been on the right side of one...others could advise you better where that is concerned...

Would the OP's parents be on board with telling you of any contact that they discover? Ask them...

Did your W mention your contact with OP's dad?

Remember, you exposing your wife's A is NOT a lovebuster...even if she thinks so now, she won't see it that way when her fog lifts...

When is she getting back from her trip?

Mrs. W

I;m sure they would be fine with helping out. My W does know that they know and said that they were the only ones I should have went to, blah blah blah. The Dad threatened to throw the kid out if it didn't stop. Got back from trip today. She was pleasent. Went over her trip and how hectic it was with all the kids and other stuff that happened. I listened well gave feedback. She stayed here at home and did laundry, we all played with the kids. Then real tired so went back to her apt. So I'm still just going with the flow waiting for her to bring up relationship talk. But she's not one to like conflict so I don't know if she will bring it up soon. But she did stick up for herself with some neighbors when the each of our kids went a little too far in a water balloon fight. So I was thinking of saying 'good job' on that. Just rying to keep the Plan A going without being too over the top. When ever I feel down on the plan I read these lyrics or listen to the song She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. It's a great plan A song for me and I plan on sending it to her maybe in a few days...

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
I was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loveed

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Don't try so hard to say goodbye

This morning I went out to work and WW left a note in my car to listen to this song Burn by Usher. Here it is, is this 'fog' talking? Is there hope?
Girl, understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

[Verse 1]
It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think ya gonna change ya
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

[Chorus]
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for you except but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

[Verse 2]
Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same find myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-eleven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

[Chorus]
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gon'learn)
Let it burn (gotta let it burn)
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
you know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

[Bridge]
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

[Breakdown]
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh
Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?)
Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh

So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

[Chorus]
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

well the sh*t hit the fan today. It was a little settled but then WW totally went off more than ever because apparently the OP Dad went blabbing that she was a slut stc arouns a hair salon in town and you know how those places are. So it's all back on me because I exposed to him. And he's saying that she's been sleeping around with other guys etc. She says that I started that and I said untrue. Why would I say that, what benefit would it have? anyway talk about taking 1 step ahead and then 5 back. This sucks.

Well I guess all the exposer got her pissed off enough to file D papers and have me served. She went to her brothers and he said she was doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choices. Then our kids got on her and said she never really tried to make it work and that they know we have faults but they can cancel each other out and that she should really try. She said she would but then she got the news of the OP Dad spreading crap about her and of course went off on me and what progress our kids and her brother made was thrown out the window. LAst night she was at our house and she was going to leave earlier than she usually does and the kids got on her again saying that this wasn't trying like she said. She told them she needed some time. (because of what happened today with OP dad). So I guess I'll just 'be still' and see what comes next.

.

Stay with it, ITW. There's lots of time between a filing and a decree for her to come to her senses. Things have to percolate sometimes...like steam building up in a pressure cooker. It's unfortunate OP's Dad is spreading rumors...or have you validated he really is? Remember truth and WS's are total strangers. Her anger is going to go out of her eventually too. No one can stay mad forever. Hang in there, pardner.

ltw...

I haven't forgotten about you I've just had a rough weekend...kidney stones yuck...felt better today, but was gone all day...I can't post much now, but I just wanted to remind you that your wife chose the behavior, so she chose the consequences. Exposure to OP's Dad was a consequence of a married adult having an affair with a boy. Don't accept the blame...she's a grown up and should have known better. Please don't beat yourself up over exposure, you did the right thing...just because she filed doesn't mean it's over...don't give up, keep Plan Aing...

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

P.S. Weekends are always slow 'round here...

thanks guys, for your quick posts while your own lives are busy, I needed a boost. She has seemed to cooled her jets a bit. But I'm spinning inside but being cool on the outside. Her brother has been a big help. She is confusing me with some of her actions, planning stuff for here at home yet still having a 'separate' life. I know, patience and faith...