Lu--<P>You're so right! <P>I was a happy person before. Ever since I've moved I've been depressed and unhappy. I'm unhappy with my job and with my life in general...which in turn made my marriage miserable. I kept looking to the OM to fill a void that I was missing.<P>If I could just be happy with myself everything else could fall into place! It's not easy making yourself happy though!

izzy -- We've been trying our darnedest to keep up with the Harley guidlines. We've been honest and have tried like heck not to love-bust. I think we're doing a good job in those departments. The time thing... well 15 hours is very problematic. We might average 10 hrs a week. This is if we count the time we spend together after my son goes to bed. <P>hum -- yes I've been keeping up with your story. I think about your situation alot and I hope things work out for you. Your husband worries me... I know how similar my story is to your OM's. Which is why I've sympathized with him on some of your other threads. I've actually been not responding to you because I don't want to say anything wrong.<P>Lu -- You know, I wasn't really all that depressed with my life before the affair. In fact, things had never been better up until I met the OW. We own a nice house, I had a job that I liked alot, I have a great son... I wasn't depressed at all. The only thing I knew was that I just wasn't happy with my marital relationship. I felt that I just didn't love my wife.<P>well, probably noone is reading down this far anymore... This thread has gotten way too long, and I think it's depressing too many people to continue anyway...<P>--andy

Andy,<BR>The last I had read from you, you and your w had not taken the emotional needs questionaire. Sounds to me like you need to start the work! A friendship is a great place to start. Now start taking the questinaires and building a plan. Go to the articles section here and read the article on "Building a Plan to Avoid Conflict etc" Start doing something. I believe that this relationship stuff takes a whole lot more work than anyone ever told me. Good Luck! You and your w can make it and you will love each other if you lay the proper foundation.<BR>

Airheart,<P>OK, I’m trying to redeem myself after my last post. I’m only in the seventh week and I get to work with my OW. As I continue to share the same emotional roller-coaster you’re on – I invite you to reflect on the thoughts I have. In terms of why I stay in my marriage<P>1. I have three little children whom I love. Best case scenario, after a divorce I maybe able to see them ½ of there life, more likely 1/3. For me any choice I’m going to make to leave my marriage has to be real good – because I’d miss my kids a lot.<BR>2. One of our main issues was sex – in the past 7 weeks I’ve had sex more times than I can could and in more places I can count. Sex isn’t an issue anymore and it doesn’t sound like it is for you.<BR>3. I developed a lot of hate and anger for my wife not meeting my sexual/emotional needs for most of our marriage. Because I didn’t handle these issues maturely in the beginning – I developed indifference and hate towards her. I’m choosing now to try my hardest to redevelop the love we once shared and this time not mess it up.<BR>4. The OW – no matter how perfect, how beautiful, how loving is never going to live in the same house and me and my children – so in a sense that relationship has a big negative for me.<BR>5. I choose to love my W, get married, fall out of love, and start hating her and then to give my love to the OW. I now choose to take my love back and give it to my W – whom it belongs with.<BR>6. God has a great big heart. Even though I gave up on him to save my marriage and I gave up on him to take away the emotional hurt from leaving the OW – he can still help. Every time I get drawn to the OW or start thinking about her – I ask God to take away the hurt and not to replace it with hate – but indifference. I also try to get myself out of situations that I know will remind or cause me to miss the OW more (I messed up last Friday).<BR>7. When I’m old and on my death bed or young on my death bed I don’t want to deal with regrets. I don’t want to say hey I was married twice and the first one I messed up but boy I sure did good on the second one, especially if the only reason the first one didn’t work out was because of the OW. For me I cannot live with myself and I couldn’t ask my children to respect me if I ruined their life because I couldn’t go through some struggle to try to save my marriage. And when I say ruin I mean ruin, obviously there are exceptions in emotional or physical abuse situations but that’s not my case. If the OW is preventing me from making logical and sound decisions because of my emotional feelings then I say drop the OW.<BR>8. Finally even if I don’t ever feel “in-love” with my W again but am otherwise happy in our relationship that’s OK. Let be honest with ourselfs the OW certainly would’ve gotten old after a while – for me I don’t want to dump my W, marry the OW and find guess what I have the same feelings in the new relationship – because I think I almost certainly would.<BR>9. The last thing I would add is deceit – have you been deceived. For me another couple I knew went through the same thing I’m going through except they are now divorced, actually my OW also got divorced pretty much for the OM (not me). When I heard their story I was furious how could someone place such little importance on their marriage. But I was almost ready to justify my actions – but nothing changed and it is still a bad thing to do. For me I’ve chosen to work through our problems and if they can’t be resolved – say good-bye. But I now have motivation to do this because the OW is gone. If I had her waiting in the wings guess what I’d make up my mind in about 3 days to get a divorce cause I couldn’t reconcile with my W because I was deceived.<P>

Airheart,<BR>I am on the betrayed side of it all. And after reading your post and thinking about it for the last couple of days. I would think that you should set your wife free. You might not have those feelings that you try so hard to get for your wife but....I bet someone else would truly love your wife in the way she should be loved. If my husband had to struggle so hard to want to stay with me and love me (which might be the case I don't know) but rather than him lie and tell me how much he wants this marriage to work after a two year affair. I would really want to know if he felt the way you feel. That way rather than sink anymore years into this marriage I could move on to something so much better than someone who does not love me or needs to make such an effort to create love for me (like you explain). SET YOUR WIFE FREE!!!!! She will end up in a beautiful place with someone that will cherish every breath she takes. And set your self free as well you only live once go find what your looking for and stop holding your wife back. What goes around comes around and I suspect that she has a lot of good to come from what she has gone through with all of this part of her life. The truth is what will set you free!!!! Let me repeat myself one more time. There is someone out there for your wife that would really want every inch of her she should get her chance rather than waisting precious time caught up in your struggle.

So Airheart,<BR>How would the above suggestion make you feel? I don't know if I agree with it or not, Guess that's not the point,but I wonder what emotions you would feel knowing that some other man loved your wife. Sometimes when I am feeling indifferent towards my husband, I imagine the other women that would want him. It puts things into perspective for me. Would you believe that the wife of the man I had my affair with was flirting hot and heavy with him, long before her husband and I ever even thought of having an affair? Used to infuriate me. Ironic isn't it? Anyway, something to think about.

Willy -- sounds like you've come a long way! I congratulate with you, and I happen to agree with almost everything you said!<P>KWAS -- Well, she doesn't WANT me to set her free. She wants to work on this. If I go to her and say "I'm setting you free. Go find someone who will truly love you." That would sound SO MUCH like a cop out to her. Plus there is the matter of my son. Don't you think we both owe it to him to try to make things right?<P>--andy

andy,<P>Don't get mad...

andy,<P>This began as the dreaded double post!!! Egad...<P>Anyway, andy... thing is this. It breaks my heart that you don't love your W like you want to... now how can that be accomplished? <P>I wish I could give you the magic words to make you see that you have a CHOICE here. I didn't think so either - you KNOW that! I thought I couldn't help how I felt. But when I began to concentrate on HIM instead of ME and my needs, everything changed. It was so easy that I still can't believe it! You loved her more than anything once... look into her eyes, really, REALLY look! See how she's trying SO HARD to make you happy. Try to live the pain you've given her, feel it. I know you feel terrible, I know you have terrible remorse... but on the other hand, you tell your W to her face that you don't love her like you should and still love the OW. I know you think your W is a saint, and she is. My H would NEVER have accepted that. You are so lucky, and again, I know you know that. I just SO MUCH want to lead you by the hand and SHOW YOU what to do so that you can love your W as you should. It is a CHOICE. I never realized and I feel like such a fool for not seeing it before.<P>Please don't be angry... I would never hurt you on purpose...<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 05, 1999).]

Sheryl,<P>Now why on earth would I be angry at you? Your advice is so good. And I agree with it up to a point. Yes, to love someone is a choice. But you just can't choose to love anyone can you? Some people are your type and some people aren't.<P>It was easy for you because you loved your husband before. So you chose to love him again. I'm truly truly envious of you.<P>I have never loved my wife "more than anything" as you put it. That is my WHOLE PROBLEM. I never had ACL (all-consuming love) for her. So we get back to the crux of the problem. Can I still fall in love with her when I never had ACL for her before? I'm not saying that it's impossible. But it will be harder for me than it was for you.<P>Also, I don't tell my wife that I'm still in love with the OW. I never ever mention her. If she ever comes up in conversation, it's because my wife broached the subject, not me.<P>One more thing. FWIW, my wife doesn't believe me when I say I never had ACL for her. She thinks it's still the withdrawal talking. Who knows, maybe she's right. We shall see. I am in this for the long run ya know!<P>take it easy Sheryl (and you too 3wishes!)<BR>--andy

andy,<P>if you didn't feel that ACL, what were you thinking the day you asked her to marry you? (don't read that sarcastically, it's meant as a reflective question). Were you happy that day?

What is the definition of ACL? Immature love (puppy) love, having that physical chemistry love, connected on emotional terms? I didn't have that with my husband when we first started going out but i do now and he doesnt, go figure. Maybe it takes almost losing your h or w (or losing them) to figure out what you had all along with them was what was real? maybe if someone is there for us we take them for granted? And maybe if that person finally tells us that they have fallen out of love with us and to go on with our lives that we realize that we actually do/did love them ACL-like?

*******Well, she doesn't WANT me to set her free. She wants to work on this. If I go to her and say "I'm setting you free. Go find someone who will truly love you." That would sound SO MUCH like a cop out to her. Plus there is the matter of my son. Don't you think we both owe it to him to try to make things right?<P>No, I think if you do not by now feel the feelings you should for your wife and you have never had those feelings then you need to take the time out in your life to figure out what you want....love comes from within there might be something deep down that causes you to make the decisions you do. You might need to take time out to love yourself before you search for love from anyone else. If you have unresolved feelings deep down and you do not love yourself then you will always run into this wall down the road you will never be able to really love someone else until you love yourself. Your son will do fine either way if he has two committed parents. But suppose your wife does find true love then that is much healthier for your son to see his mother cherished the way she should be. And what is he learning now (to bite the bullet and do what's right at the expense of all of the family) If you set any thing free....at first there is fear,hesitation,doubt but eventually it will work out. This is just my opinion, since I found out of my h betrayal I have read and studied a lot about why we as humans make the decisions that we make and treat people the way we treat them. What is in me that I excepted things in my marriage and did not pick up any warning signs (h affair was 2 years) At first I was so devastated that I felt I had lost my own identity but through searching and learning I have never felt closer to myself than I do now. How healthy can it be for anyone knowing that the other is "hangin' in there" just for the sake of a child. Don't let anyone hold you back from your true destiny. Lots of luck to you and your family. I do not think your lucky because you have someone accepting your feelings and you as is..like your wife is so willing to do, I think that's is weighing on you and you should pick yourself up and be true to those around you. I also have someone who does not ask me what I want but rather tells me that we really need to work on our marriage. He has yet to say "what do you want" I think he is avoiding that question! Instead he's pleading for us to make it work...and asking for forgiveness and one more chance. We are currently going to marriage counc. so we will see...but I refuse to work anything out just for our daughters sake it has to be for love!!! I'm worth that and so are YOU.