b0b and Aphelion - how lovely to hear from you both again - my favourite MB guys! I hope things are going well for you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Most of what I post on here now are pretty minor gripes compared to the agonies of last May - it's just nice to come on here and know that people know my story and understand what I am going through.

It's probably pretty obvious to most that I no longer have any hope of saving my M - nor, indeed, much desire to, truth be told. I have lingering feelings of affection for STBX (as the father of my children), but no respect whatsoever - and that's the death knell in my book.

Despite everything I've been told, everything I've learned here, I've never felt that he would come back. As crazy as it was that he left, after everything we had and had shared; no matter how much he saw me and the girls suffer, he never looked back and never felt remorse. He and the Omelette want to get married and have children. In all honesty, I am beginning to feel that I wish them luck and happiness. If they are happy together, then my girls are much more likely to be happy when they go around there. If they can move on and be happy, it will be easier for me to do so.

I'm still right at the beginning of the D process. STBX seems to be stalling - not because he still wants to be married to me, but because he's scared I'm gonna tear strips off him! Still a very rocky road ahead, but at least I'm almost over the emotional hurt of the divorce, the loss of the love.

I do wonder about STBX's drinking. I wonder if Omelette has really put her foot down about this. The last time I saw STBX, he had gained more weight, but that's the only indication I have that he is still drinking. He looks old and tired, certainly not someone who should be considering bringing new life into the world. Still, that's not my business, is it?

LT - Hi. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When I read about your situation, and a few others on the boards, whose WS's are beginning to peep through the fog and make strides towards reconciliation, I do get a little sad, I must admit. I wonder why my STBX never showed any desire to come home, why our marriage was killed the day that he left. I think - we had SO MUCH, our kids were SO HAPPY, but such thoughts are pointless. I can't explain what he did, and I can't make it right or erase the past nine months. All I can do is move forward, for myself and my kids. Be the best I can be for me, for them.

DD12 and I had the greatest time last night, just browsing on eBay. It was such fun! Looking at all the crazy stuff they have on there, DD12 trying to convince me to bid on an utterly unsuitable pair of red kitten-heels! We get on so well together at the moment - most of the time, anyway. In my heart now I know that the Omelette can never replace me.

Alph.

Alph,
Not strides, but baby steps: the frog prince is still deep in the fog and still has this very sickening sense of entitlement and no remorse. It's like I should feel privledged that HE is giving Me a second chance... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It's still a long road ahead and lately I have occasionally felt that I should just bag it and move on.

We deserve better than this. We both do. So do our children. I do hope this year brings a new beginning for both of us and a bright future for our girls.

HI LT.

But those baby steps of yours seem like strides to me! Not that I would be jumping on any 'second chance' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> from my STBX, but at least the 'gesture' would be something.

I've said before that just a simple sorry from STBX would be enough now. Then people have replied - yeah, but it doesn't mean anything unless it's backed up by action. Actually, a sorry would mean everything to me - because I know I'm never going to get even that.

A WS taking baby steps, entrenched, entitled baby steps admittedly, is very different from one who has shown no sign of moving back to the marriage at all - nothing from day one. This is why I've never really had any hope at all for my sitch - STBX has never been sitting on the fence - he jumped right over it and is so far into the other field I can't even see him any more!

He's never looked back.

Alph.

I wonder if anyone has had a similar experience?

Since STBX left in April, he has, almost without fail, called the girls every evening find out about their day. The only times he hasn't done this have been if we or he have been away. He still rang when he could, though.

Now, since the girls have met OW, he has reduced the frequency of his calls. He hasn't called them at all this week (although he still sees them at the allocated times).

STBX pushed very, very hard for the girls to meet OW from the very beginning. Eventually, he just made up his mind one day to introduce them, against my wishes, and that was that - nothing I could do about it anyway.

Does he feel like he has 'won' now? The pressure from OW is off, I guess - or maybe it's back on in a different way? Maybe she's telling him to back off his kids now the 'battle' is won, and they can see them on their own terms?

Maybe he's just extra busy at work? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Just speculating. But the kids don't understand why he hasn't called them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

ALph.

Alph, never mind. Let's find something you can believe and not have any doubts about.

He knows what he's doing is no good. He wants it to be good. He can't make it be good.

That doesn't mean he can't make himself believe it's okay, or more likely, make himself believe he's got no choice in the matter.

But Alph, try and stick with the things you know. There's nothing wrong with trying to find rational explanations for behavior that has not rationality, so long as you know it won't do much for you.

((Alph))

GC

Alph

Your H has consistently shown himself to be someone who puts his own satisfaction at the top of the agenda, so I think it's unlikely that anything he does is altruistic.

From all you've said about her, it does sound as if Omelette places quite a lot of value on children and parenting (sorry - that's painful for you, but could be good news for the girls). If that's so, her lover's abandonment of his kids will sit heavily on her, and he may well have been trying to make himself look like a deeply concerned father by ostentatiously ringing every morning. That may have been behind the pressure to have them meet OW; he wants her to see him as a committed father who longs to have his children with him.

Now that he's established the 'right' to have them round, the pressure is off. Note that he's changed his habit without bothering to notify or explain it to the girls - it's only his own interests he's considering.

I have a suspicion that she is a much more responsible guardian than he, and that his own shallowness will eventually be exposed through that.

But that will be his own problem to deal with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

TA

Very true. I try not to be surprised or annoyed by what STBX does, but it's hard when it concerns the kids.

TA, what you say about the Omelette valuing kids and parenting - I've long suspected this to be the case. I've often wondered if the fact that STBX so obviously loved his kids and talked about them so much was one of the things that attracted her to him in the first place. I don't want her to be the 'wicked stepmother'; although I am dismayed about how this mess has panned out for the kids, I's much rather they were happy going over there than miserable.

Certainly, at this early point at least, they are happy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Ok let me tell you a few things. OW does not have children right? So not having children she does not know the whole in's and out's of raising children. A 5 yr old can wear you out. A 12 yr old preteen can get moody. She may even get jealous of time dad spends with OW. I can see big provlems coming with them spending more time with WH and OW. When children get sick and are up all night and they have to bath, clean sheets, give meds ect is when the honey moon will end. As far as WH drinking -well honey he is trying to be 29 again. It will not last long.
When my kids father began taking me kids to see dad and OW(Xbest GF) they had a ball. But the idiot forgot OS got car sick and they took them to mcD's for lunch on the road back home. Something I tried to keep kids from eating. XH had a brand new truck - and wanted to show it off. Well OS got sick and the truck was standard -so guess where he was sick -right all down inside of the shifter. I felt so bad for OS but had a very good laugh over it. There were many other evenful things. YS got ear infections - WH had to bring him home even at 1 am because OW did not want to take care of him after he got sick all over their house. He had projectial vomiting. Many things. Besides they liked to party. Kids were not used to that either. Used to call me to come get them sometimes late at night - I would tell them to be ready and when I flashed head lights to come out to my car. He did not even know they had left some times. Not saying these things will hapopen to you but our little ones as we know are full of surprises.

Hi realtor.

How interesting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I know I said I don't want the kids to be unhappy, but if the kids can make things a little less heavenly in la-la land I won't be complaining!

OW doesn't have kids, no. But she wants to have them with STBX, because he's her 'soulmate', ya know? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It occurred to me the other day, that if they do end up having children together, the best revenge I can have is to live fabulously when they have my girls staying with them - because I will be single and free and can have so much quailty time doing things for me, just for me, on my own. Even when the girls come back to me, STBX and OW will still have their own children to look after. STBX is going to be retired before any children they have leave home.

Needless to say, I don't intend having any more children myself... health-wise I don't think I can hack it, my age is against me now, and you kind of need a man to help you out with that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Nah - I'll be single and fabulous, thanks (part time, anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

Alph