Dear All,

I am the WS in this relationship. I read all your responses and before you get to judge me, maybe you want to hear my side of the story.

Yes, it is true. I was married for 7 years before and I left my pregnant wife. My marriage was abusive and I tried to work on it as much as possible but it has gotten worse and worse with time. My wife at the time wanted to have children but she had trouble getting pregnant. I stupidly thought that I could work on the marriage, and at the same time, work on having children. As things got worse and worse and my wife refused to go to counseling or do anything to improve our marriage. By the time I could not tolerate it anymore she was pregnant. I moved out of the house for a couple of months trying to convince her to work on the marriage, not to end it, but she refused. Only after months of asking to work things out I finally gave up and filed for a divorce.

Anybody who went through a similar thing would be shattered as much as I was. I thought my life collapsed. When I met “Cantdecide” I was scared of a new commitment. I wanted it to be perfect so I would not have to go through the horror again. I did not now if I was ready, but We were was so good together with “Undecided”. We had such a good connection that I thought my anxiety about a new marriage would go away. It did not. I thought I wanted to be single for a while (as I never was- my first wife was my high school sweetheart, and my only girlfriend) It started bothering me and I tried to fight it. The new relationship was so good on all levels and yet I was afraid to commit. I tried counseling, prayer, I told my girlfriend about my anxieties and I tried to break up a few times with her so that I could find out what I really wanted. The break-ups never lasted any more than couple of days as we both were so attached to each other that we wanted this relationship to work so much.

At one point my anxieties got better of me and I saw a few escorts (at the time we had a long-distance relationship). These experiences were horrible. Out of 5 or 7 times, half of them did not result in sex and quickly I was so repulsed by myself that stopped and have not gone back for the last 3 years. But my anxiety did not stop. It got worse. I wanted to get married and have a normal life and “Cantdecide” was so perfect for me, but I could not bring myself to propose. The insecurity was eating me away day by day.

I knew I had to resolve it. I thought that I put myself to a test. I thought that I would go to Rio and if I could resist an affair while there I would come back and propose. I failed. So I came back and broke up with “Undecided” as I felt I did not deserve her. Then I tried the single life like I imagined it would be and quickly it turned out to be just smoke and mirrors- inflated fantasies that could not match the emotional feelings of a long and committed relationship with “Cantdecide”. There was a profound change of heart in me with this realization, and I came back confessing everything and asking “Cantdecide” to give us another chance. I have followed all the requests she made, going to a couple therapy and trying to work it out. That was 3 months ago. You know what happened next. I still love her very much but two people are necessary to rebuild a relationship, and it cannot happen while one is involved in another relationship at the same time. I have done everything I could to get “Cantdecide” back but I cannot wait forever, especially when she is involved and falling in love with someone else. I feel I need to admit that I lost her and move on. I still love her so much and I am positive there is bright future before us. People make mistakes and I made them too, but people also learn from their mistakes and they change. I did.

Bigdran,

Welcome to MB. I am glad to see you understand the issues you had and the mistakes you made and hope that reading here will help you. As I said to Can'tDecide, I don't think the issue is you...it is her. It is good that you have learned from your mistakes, it is better than you are addressing your issues. But, right now you exGF seems to have her heart elsewhere and until that changes you are not going to have much of a chance.

Further, since you two are NOT married, there are no children, and there are issues a lot of things we would recommend for you to do are not really applicable. Neither of you have committed adultery in the legal sense as you are not and were not married. In fact, as I understand it you were not even engaged. Thus, it is perfectly permissible for people to change there minds about the person they are dating.

In fact it is encouraged because when on of the two people see traits, behaviors, decisions that they don't like, they should leave the relationship.

So I don't think you are the "bad guy" in this relationship, but it is clear some of your decisions have led to the ending of your relationship with Can'tDecide and her beginning a new one.

I do hope you do some reading here, and ask plenty of questions.

God Bless,

JL

I believe you would be foolish to marry him after the years you have wasted with him. He has developed in negative ways whereas it appears to me since you have left him you are developing positively - seeing the two sides of your previous relationship, looking at yourself & your X, looking critically at your actions for improvement etc.
Thats important because you cant change HIM, you can only change yourself.

When you begin to sing his praises here its sounds - well to be honest a bit submissive the one giving up everything to make the R work - when you talk about this new bf you sound excited, at least to me.

Maybe if it was once only failure you could work through the pain & hurt together, build on it create a good M SADLY I think his history speaks for itself between you two.
IMHO hand the ring back if you took it and see where your new relationship goes.

I think your X may be or was a serial cheater - doesn't matter how that came about vis Dv or not - and has some big problems to resolve. Its not that hes 'bad' perhaps but needs to work on himself before he can commit properly to ANYONE. That he wants to is great. But perhaps not for you or your future. We may be overly harsh but we can only go on what you post

In the end YOU need to decide.



well you asked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Am I right in assuming that for both of you this was intended to be a "committed" relationship or were you simply dating? Help me understand the nuance here.

We were together 4.5 yrs always admiting how much we love each other. Exclusivity was never questioned, always assumed on my part.
"Bigdran" knows that it was wrong and out of the question for me. Our relationship was a committed one, not open.

Bigdran

good to see you post.

I too was a WS and understand stupid mistakes and yes callous behaviour.
Its great you want to work on to resolve your issues so you can be in a healthy relationship.

I wonder if you are in a good place to commit to anyone right now? Maybe you are right when you said you need to admit that you lost her and move on.
But I CAN"T MAKE A JUDGEMENT ON THAT.

Sometimes Bigdran we destroy the things & people we love and we have to accept it. We did it no excuses.
But we need not make the mistake again.

May you find opeace & resolution.

Bigdran said:


How about THIS for a lifetime committment ~~~>>> YOU become someone's DADDY for the rest of your life!!!

Committ right now to being ~there~ for your child. Your child is not a mistake. other than mentioning you child in passing, you make no mention of being a father ... a real in-the-flesh NON absent Daddy !

'nuff said