Ding ding ding ding ding ding

That is the most accurate thing I have read!!!

Kiss to you too.

Yep - to omuch time on the autopsy block hinders recovery I think....many of us FWW's here are guilty of that...

What I try to do more than anything is work on the marriage - each day is learning, new ways to communicate. Being that H isn't as interested in new ways...albeit he is changing in his own ways...I take it upon myself to make as many changes as we need. And i am seeing progress. My needs get met sporatically...but not the dreamy way i would love. But I am okay. My sadness doesn't come from the needs not being met, but more cause I know my H is hurting when he is distant...and more my self confidence in taking it upon myself that it is my fault he is feeling that way.

i find the more I work on me and the marriage and rebuild my confidence, the more I am less effected by his distance - now dont take that the wrong way. I am very concerened for it and place it on the marriage recovery and what i can do differently in that sense - but on my more self-confident days I place less on me and what I have done wrong and as a personal blow. Because I realize it's not me - but what he is going through and what I can do within the marriage to help him...on bad days - I take it as a personal blow and trigger - he isn't happy with me, he doesn't love me, he regrets coming back - he is missing her, this is all my fault, I had the A...etc.etc.

I think though once you have discovered the real reason's deep in you - to make the changes but perhaps not dwell to much on it...or it might effect the maritial recovery part of it.

It makes perfect sense. My husband told me "But of course I love you" - he said he showed me he loved me through cooking for me. I needed different ways to be shown and he struggles with doing that as he wants to show his love for me his way.

His cooking for me actually got to be a huge problem for me...he gradually took over all cooking for us two. If I cooked he'd hover and make adjustments and comments and make me feel...well not as good a cook as he was/is....so he thought he was showing love and I thought he was slapping me down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> communication issues abound!

The needs issue I read in SAA started my awareness of where we had gone wrong. I guard my needs/wishes/buttons whatever you want to call them and like you get them filled elsewhere if I can through appropriate relationships.

Wow! SF, regarding the cooking...long ago my WH did the same thing! I felt incompetant as a cook and therefor as a W but he was trying to be helpful and loving in HIS way. Yes, guarding our hearts and minds is the answer since we know we were vulnerable once to me it could happen again if one is not careful.

The biggest thing I have learned is that my husband has always shown me his love - but in ways I never saw and in ways I don't really like or want. BUT they are his ways...and for the first time ever i started to look at those ways and accept them and appreciate them. In the beginning it felt wierd and no natural - but now - it's become second nature...for me to understand that his providing, or some of the strange things he does are his way of showing me love.

The same way I need to communicate to him how he may be putting me down, etc....I need to come half way and also realize it his way of showing me love...

dorry...This was me to a "T"...I admit it, I am a hedonist...

I have to say, that my needs haven't changed...my biggest need has ALWAYS been conversation...It's why when I met Mr. W I KNEW he was the ONE...When he and I broke up while dating I remember lamenting to my friends and family that the only way that I would ever be happy was if I could find someone to talk to like I could with Mr. W...As I have said before, he is the greatest conversationalist that I have ever known, I LOVE talking with him...He and I just got into a terrible rut once our daughter was born...We had both just dropped out of the race...

The OM met my needs, but not even close to fully, the way that Mr. W did and does now...the only one that I have to remember to remind Mr. W about is the admiration...Now, OM was great at this one, but here is why, he was incredibly insecure himself and needed constant ego stroking...don't we all try to meet our own needs by giving what we need to the other person? I think it's instinctive...it wasn't that OM was good at this because of me, it just came naturally to him...It means so much more when Mr. W meets that need for me because I know that he is really doing it because he knows that it's important to me...he cares whats important to me and wants to give it to me...for me that is HUGE...it shows me just how very much he loves me. OM was and always would have been such a poor substitute for Mr. W in more ways than I could ever type.

Pep...Thanks, I'm going to look for that thread now...

Mrs. W

Gosh, Dorry, in my first marriage I had my A after my hysterectomy. Wonder if that's a trend??

I had also lost my closest relative- the only person who loved me and showed me while I was growing up- my grandmother right before.

It's not that I'm not taking responsibility- it's just that i believe other issues made me "ripe" for an affair.

here's a thought for yall.

Om wasn't ever really good at meeting my needs. I was just good at allowing him to.

What happens if I allow my H to be good at meeting my needs?

I do believe that part of my self destruct was allowing resentment or problems of he said she said, one ups on my H, I put up a guard and a bit of a wall...meaning H couldn't have met my needs even if he tried...

and if he didn't try - he naturally still met some of them - just I wouldn't let the small tries in...

Make sense? less of what Om did for me...but more of what i did to myself....Converstion is a huge one for me as well - but i can get that from anyone - ya know - I LET OM do it...as I wasn't really letting H do it...not what was good about OM, but what I made good...and I would have made good out of anything if it hadn't been him....

Hey everyone,

Catching up here and having a very rough past week. Things are looking so down that I don't know if we will make it. I think my h is just starting to become extremely resentful. I can't sleep, eat or find peace in anything. Nothing I did before was right and it is definitely not right now.

I absolutely hate my life right now. I am usually an optimist. Not anymore. I feel hopeless. I am NOT having a pity party...I just need guidance and strength. It does not help that my emotions are everywhere since surgery 7 weeks ago. (everything gone...ovaries included so no hormones).

I don't want to be a downer...if you want me to post over on recovery I will.

My h hasn't spoken to me since yesterday. He just left home...I asked if wanted me to make lunch he grumbled yes...I amde him something and he left without a word.
Last night after the little one spilled milk on the carpet he went through the roof. Said I was neglectful...which is just irrational IMO... He went out and said he wasn't coming back. He did....but slept in the guest room.

I am giving him his space. I think I know what it is. My best friend's h is having an affair. Possibly it is triggering my h?
He and my friend talked on the ph for about 45 min yesterday. She said how sweet he was. I was stunned. He is hardly the communicative type. He will talk to others but push me aside.

He hasn't seen me cry but that is all I have done for days. I think that now the surgery/cancer appears behind us...he is letting it all out on me. I am not physically prepared for this anger. I am angry enough at myself. This fuels my self hatred.

Sorry again...losing my hope. But, I am still praying.
Brandi

{{{Brandi}}} the anger will come and go and yes it is possible he was triggered. BTW, do NOT allow your H to counsel your friend. This is a prime situation for an A. Don't give up, just come here for a shoulder and to vent ok?

FF...this is exactly what I was thinking when I read that...

{{{{Brandi))))...You are welcome to post here...think of it as your MB home...Do you think that you could get your H to read and post here? I think it might be of great benefit to him, as well you...

Mrs. W

Brandi - you are always more than welcome on this thread.

The surge of hormones after a hysterectomy can be VERY dangerous for you - watch yourself and talk to your doctor. The depression rates are unbelievable after a full hysterectomy.

There is a FANTASTIC support site called http://www.hystersisters.com/ that may help you through it all.

My heart breaks for you that during the time that you need the extra support you can't have it as your husband also needs the extra support - so i hope that WE and perhaps hyster systers can be the support you need so you can support your husband but still support yourself.

(((((BRANDI)))))

Thanks FF and Mrs. w

I know I too am concerned about my friend and h talking.

I can't get my h to go to MC. He knows I come to MB...he has read here some ...we did the en's questionaire last summer etc...Foreverhers offered email w/my h. But, he thinks that people who can't think for themselves are weak.
He talked to one of Dobson's counselors just after dday and they advised him to get into MC ...
He thinks counseling is a waste and sends you to D-court. I did christian IC fo months...am thinking about returning.

Do I give him his space? I don't want to LB... We had a 5 minute r talk over a week ago. It was short but sweet. He can't handle anything more.

I guess that I will see how things transpire tonight. I am going to make a fabulous dinner. Maybe his mood will be lighter when he gets home. I feel like I just don't know what to do at all. It is hard for me to initiate affection as I sometimes get rejected. but that won't deter me...unless it becomes a LB...
If only he would talk to me.


Thanks for the hugs and support.
Brandi

Dorry,
We must have been cross posting. You are right on...I think this is post op depression. I am a member of hystersisters. I love that forum. I am sometimes there more than here. Those women are wonderful!!

I am discussing things with my dr. and oncologist about what I can do. Sometimes w/certain cancers and chance of reoccurance you cannot take hrt/ert. I am on supplements. I am not sleeping well due to the post op insomnia and the marriage worries.

I placed a call into my dr. last week...they are getting back to me tomorrow about what they can do for me.

Thanks so much for the support and thoughts.

Your FWW thread was so timely for me.

Hugs to each of you.
Brandi

Brandi...

Sadly, because so many counselors aren't pro-marriage, this can be true...The Harleys are definitely pro-marriage...Have you considered phone counseling with them? Your H might appreciate their style of marital "get to the point" coaching...from everything I've read here, it's money VERY well spent!!! Also, it would require much less effort on your H's part to take part in a phone call rather than going to counseling...something for you guys to consider perhaps...

Mrs. W

He cheated....and I suspect more than once.[a year ago]
We have two children; I'm financially stuck.
I asked him if he saw us together a year from now and he hesitated...after the awkward pause, I told him not to answer. [Let me clarify, after my first two suspicions of him cheating, I had a one night stand. 6 months later I discovered he'd been having an affair for over a year with someone else] I want to follow God's will and stay in the marriage, I just don't feel anything being reciprocated...

Any ideas, suggestions, thoughts...

Again, I'm totally OVERWHELMED.... I don't even know if I love him --- I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him though.

gods_child, welcome to MB. Is your H is still actively involved in an A? Does your H know about your ONS (one night stand)?

I told him about it after I got tired of him trying to 'explain' everything. He says he's not involved in an A and he says he hasn't heard from her since I confronted her. (Quite reasonably calm at that)

Unfortunatley, the OW that I had suspected he was seeing, has popped up in our lives again. I feel stupid....

I didn't yell, I didn't scream.... I even apologized that I failed as a spouse to have him step outside the marriage.

Now,I'm just....here. We attempted Dr. Harley's questionnaires right before he started the A. Obviously it didn't take..

Gods_child~


Sorry to be dense, but what exactly does this mean...Is he in contact with her now? If so, in what ways...phone, e-mails, in person??? The more details you give, the better advice you will get...I welcome you to post on this thread, but I think that you would get more advice if you started your own thread that included your story, as well as specific questions, if you have any...If you are having trouble starting a thread, just say so here, and I'll be glad to get one started for you...

Best,

Mrs. W

Mornin' ladies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />