thank you

If you don't want opinions, why do you post?

the contact has ended... so I'm letting it go..
you guys are all however keeping me from still telling OM's wife about the emails..

What do I gain if my W has committed to me...

Risk/benefit?? I'm not worried about W starting up again...

She understands now that my trust level is at ZERO, that I'm cleaning the slate and looking at the marriage as a new relationship, children aside, and that while I do love her... it's up to her, not me, to rebuild that trust... there's really nothing I can do and I'm giving her that chance... she's begging me not to expose and thinks it's "in God's hands"... my true fear is not OM or OMW... it's my W and how my exposing this after she's committed to end the relationship, would impact our recovery..

you guys are good, but I'm not there yet.. sorry..

And do you REALLY think that I would post someone's name and number on an Internet board?? ;-/

Tell 'em tiger.

If she is begging you to not expose, I have a strong feeling it ain't over.

She's smarter than you give her credit for, Earthman.

she's not "begging".. she's saying it's in God's hands and that they need to work out their own issues.. that's how/who she is... I believe her... she's many things.. but she's not a liar.. she hasn't proven that.. yet...

I think she Does want it all over and wants us to move on and fears that my exposing this may cause quite an uproar since they both know many of the same people and in business, which would impact income, business opportunity, etc... they used to work together and everyone has moved on but still in touch...

My W wants it over and fears exposure to OMW will keep it going somehow...

I'm on the fence guys.... but not sold since M and W are all good right now..

Is exposure EVER counter productive post-NC???

Again, I'm confident it's over..

You know, EM, from experience, it may be over...for now. If it is, what will happen when she gets another opportunity? I was done once, too....

Thank God I was exposed!

Exactly how is OMW to know their relationship needs working on is she doesn't know about the affair? OM could be a serial scumbag for all you know.


Not to OP spouse. Never.

Expose.

Many times God works through us, His "foot soldiers"...Have you considered that perhaps God led you to this site so that you could receive and follow the advice that you are getting regarding exposure here? Something to think about...

Also, exposing to OMW is just extra insurance that it's over...Your marriage can survive your wife's anger, but it can NOT and will NOT survive an ongoing affair...be it an emotional or physical one...As a FWW myself, her protests about exposing smell pretty fishy to me...

Just my .02

Mrs. Wondering

Post deleted by sickofthis1961

Carrots and sticks..

For me.. carrots are working much more...

actually, the ONE and only stick I think I've made clear is that I will not tolerate inapproriate behaviour and that my W and my family are my life.. and I expect that same level of committment from my W. If she cannot sign up for that now.. truly sign up and demonstrate true change, then while I still love her.. and I do, we will NOT be man and wife and I will still be a great father to the children.

I think for the first time in many months, my W truly got that point since I delivered the message with "truth and love".. .and with my own fear that I felt it to.. she sensed that.. she didn't hear that.. she understands the seriousness of all of this and the responsibility that she has to the marriage, the family and to us.. and that I do not want to go on with someone that does not want to be or act married.. it's ok...

So.. when I let it go.. when I truly let it go in my heart... she came around....
Lesson to be learned... works for many things actually.... let it go...

Other lesson: Some people take a longer time to grow up than others.. no matter how old they are...

peace..

EarthMan,

I'm probably going to regret posting this. I have no desire to be drawn into this argument. Just take this as one more voice of experience, OK?

I'm going to tell you how this business of your W's affair will go down. You can take this to the bank:

Probability OM will do something rash if you expose: 0.0001 (one in 10 thousnad).

Probability OM will do something violent if you expose: 0.0000001

Probability your W is still in her EA at some level: 0.7

Probability your W will go underground and continue the A without exposure: 0.9

Probability your W will go underground and continue the A with exposure: 0.001

Probability your W will have another A with a new OM without exposure: 0.8

Probability your W will have another A with a new OM with exposure: 0.00001

Probably you yourself will do something rash on or right after DDay2: 0.99

This data comes from reading your threads and your attitude (all your talk of being armed, e.g.), from reading here for over two years and my own situation, which was a real doozy.

And it was a doozy because I did not expose after DDay 1. I heard exactly what you write your WW is saying to you. Exactly! She gave me the most heartfelt reassurances with genuine tears in her eyes. I heard that OM would do something rash. I heard OM’s wife would do something rash. I heard it all.

So I let it go.

Sheesh, EM. Don’t let it go until she learns something good from this whole mess. And she will not learn anything positive if there are no consequences. Consequences are a very strong argument, EM, for not having another A. I virtually guarantee you, she will do this again some day if you do not expose.

An ounce of prevention is worth a lot more than any amount of cure in these matters, EM. Trust me.

Your W needs to do it by the book, IMO. She needs to send an NC letter. She also should apologize to OM’s wife. This latter guesture is a major factor in recovery. Do not underestimate the healing power of the WS apologizing to all the victims. It provides tremendous healing for the victims and the WS too.

Please think of OM’s poor defenseless BW. She deserves your help, EM. She deserves help from all of us. Do not leave her twisting in the breeze like this. She truly deserves to know who (or what) she is married to.

With prayers,

ok. I gotta go to bed but I must reply to this one.. You guys just couldn't let me go could you... ;-)

Nice stats.. are you a CPA or an actuary?? are you kidding me? Wife's A was email chat.. I monitor everything so how is it a prob. of continued the so called A undetected? I have her monitored just short of having a GPS up her [censored] so don't insult my intelligience with your stats...

I'm hanging over at In Recovery and ENs from now on.. I see that there are some really hurt people over here (Like me) and you are all relating to the innocent victim a little too much for my taste. I understand the point but it's over.. she may have to find out what a scumbag her H is on her own.. He asked another women for pictures.. Let's remember that my W had actually sent him one during her DARK TIME, pre breakdown.. and I was not privy to the dialog back then.. either way.. I'm letting it go and would expose in a SECOND if I thought ANY communication was going on. It's not... and my wife teathered on a little setback when she realized that I felt I must expose.. and her setback, if bad enough, could land her back in a nut ward for a few days..

SO UNLESS YOU BS PROTECTORS ARE WILLING TO COME TO MY HOME AND PLAY SAHM FOR A FEW DAYS WHILE W RECOOPERATES FROM MY EXPOSING HER LITTLE EMAIL DIALOG TO THE OM'W AND POSSIBLY HER ENTIRE NETWORK OF CO-WORKERS, SOME OF WHICH ARE FRIENDS AND LIVE IN TOWN.. IT COULD GET AROUND THAT MY WIFE SENT PICTURES FIRST AND IS JUST AS GUILTY... WELL SHE IS AND HAS BEGGED FOR MERCY SINCE SHE WAS IN BAD PLACE AT THE TIME... I'M DONE WITH THIS FOR NOW..

PERSONALLY. I THINK I'VE SCARED THE ****** OUT OF BOTH OF THEM AND AS I SAID, I BELIEVE MY W DID NOT CLEARLY UNDERSTAND HOW WRONG IT WAS AND WHY, POST BREAKDOWN.. IT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID OR DID.. IT'S WHAT SHE DIDN'T SAY OR DO THAT IS HER SIN HERE....

NOW BACK OFF AND GO BUG SOME OTHER SOFT BS WHO'S TRYING TO RECOVER HIS MARRIAGE... I'M CONFIDENT I'M IN FOR A GOOD RUN THIS TIME NOW THAT "BEHAVIOUR BOUNDARIES HAVE BEEN SET"...

OH.. AND W'S FIRST EA/PA WAS A ONS AND WITH AN OLD CRUSH... THERE ARE MANY DYNAMICS HERE THAT YOU ALL ARE NOT PRIVY TO AS FAR AS W'S MENTAL CONDITION THAT I'M CHOSING TO ACCEPT AS PART OF THE CAUSE.. MIND VS. HEART.. IF I FELT IT WAS FROM HER HEART.. I'D BE GONE..

and W understands in no uncertain terms that their will not be a next time... I walk the talk..

one more strike and all bets are off.. that's the consequence... she understands that now... because I came to the conclusion that I can live without her and still be a father to my children..

I am NOT exposing..

and what was the exact nature/details of your W's A???

I bet it was more than email banter... which would make an easy case for exposure..

I give that probability a 1.0

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I "wonder" what Earthman's new posting name will be when he comes back for help in handling either the continuing A or OM#2???

I propose CROW_THE_OTHER_WHITE_MEAT...any other suggestions? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

What part of "their will be no next time" and "all bets are off" didn't you get genius?

We're done if it happens again... and she knows I do what I say... I will not be back here.. I'll be starting a new life from what I know today..

and thanks for the well wishes and optimism.. I really appreaciate it..

Man.. you must have gotten really burned to be so hopeless..

sorry for that..

LOL..

My W had sent him a photo first and is grossly embarassed over that fact.. she wants this matter over and she wants us to move on... she understands the severity of her actions and realizes now that it's not appropriate.. she didnt' up until last week.. next MC session will explore and confirm that for me..

I'm moving on..

bwahahahaaa I suspect you are quite right. Sadly....