Although I began nc on 26 Dec, the official Plan B letter went out on 30 Dec. Since then, WH has rung four times (once, it was three times in one day) and I've seen him once. That's five contacts in twelve days, even though I didn't initiate them. Am I screwing this up?

Sigh... I feel like I'm obsessing about this nc thing. AM I obsessing?

It is essential to stay dark in Plan B. A few words aren't going to make a bit of difference though.

I loved Plan B. It is what saved me. But one thing about it is that folks expect something to happen too soon. In reality, it takes months of Plan B to turn things around. It is good that the WS gets a taste of their life without the BS. But the best part of Plan B is the peace and contentment that comes for the BS. Hang in there.

You're right, Plan B has brought a lot of peace already.

Ironically though, I'm stressing about doing Plan B right! Oy vay! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Quick update: WH just rang (S10 answered that time, thankfully) with the old "Did someone there try to ring me?" chestnut, and none of us here had. Umm... with caller ID and a missed calls record on his cell, who does he think he's kidding?

Plan B is to protect your love, first and foremost. It is good to stay very dark. But don't worry about a slip once in awhile. Your husband needs to see what life will be like WITHOUT you.

Yes; and I think it's about protecting the love I have for him AND for me. Submitting myself to his temper and knowledge of his A was not a way to show myself the love I ought to.

Thanks for the encouragement. I really need it, and I REALLY appreciate it.

You can expect Plan B to take several months. I think people want results too soon. My WH tried to contact me the first couple of weeks, and then I heard NOTHING for 4 months. Suddenly he called me at work and told me he was moving back in. Unfortunately, he still had OW, so I had to keep him out.

RT -

Relax, you are doing fine. Just try to take the focus of WH and put it elsewhere. If you have read my recent thread, you can see why it is important to know AS LITTLE as possible about the WH during Plan B. I would have been doing just dandy if it weren't for my intermediary.

As little contact as you possibly can. You don't allow him in the house, right?

Kim

Thanks, Kim and believer.

No, he hasn't been in the house since 24 Dec. Once after the PBL he walked S10 to the door, but night before last when dropping him off he didn't leave the car (first time ever), which makes me think that the reality of the nc is beginning to sink in. And I don't ask about WH from the children any more. He rings, or they visit together, but I don't ask. Don't want to know (although I do, if you know what I'm saying!).

I've just read your thread and am aghast at your intermediary. Damn! And yet - finding an intermediary is so hard. I've been considering this, but can't think of a single person we both trust and could remain neutral. That is... I can think of MANY people, but WH would object to so many of them. He anticipates judgement from so many people that he's dropped friends and acquaintances like hot potatoes.

Don't give him that option. You don't need to consult your WH and get approval of who you might choose to be an intermediary. But you are right, it needs to be someone that can remain neutral. I have learned that the intermediary really does need to be prepped. It needs to be like a business transaction and they need to be instructed on how to handle their job.

If you decide to use an intermediary, don't give WH a choice. Just let him know through a letter that this is what you have had to do to protect your love and John Doe will be the person he contacts if he needs to arrange anything.

Kim

Hey yeah? Well that changes everything! OK, I'm going to have to think about this, then.

It is good to arrange most things ahead of time in Plan B. But the Harleys approve of talking about kid related things, and financial things, even in Plan B. It is probably best to do it in writing so that other issues don't arise.

Ah - OK. So an intermediary to discuss kids and finances isn't really necessary?

Nope. The Harley's say both are acceptable items to discuss. HOWEVER, the WS usually needs to get some needs met by the BS, and the discussion can rapidly change to include blaming, relationship issues, etc. And I mean RAPIDLY. I was always getting sucked in.

OK, I'll be very vigilant about this. Thanks.

Actually, this has happened many times in the past couple of months. I'll be somewhere (usually away from town having a fine time w/o him) and he'll ring about some triviality. Then he'll ring with another triviality, but add a little snide comment. Then he'll ring with another comment, a really loaded and emotional one. And then BAM! It's on for young and old. My response up until now has been, "Shouldn't you go to OW with this?" but I think from now on I'm just going to say, very nicely, "Please go back and read the last letter I sent you" and hang up.

Hi everyone, just popping in after a break away for most of the week. I was at the mountains and had a lovely time. Also want to report that I've had NO CONTACT with WH for ten days! This is a record, well and truly. Kids spoke to WH on the phone while we were away and he gave them a "Say hi to Mom" message for them to give to me, but that was it.

Not sure how I'm gonna catch up with all the news here in the fast-moving world of MB, but I'll give it a go!

Hey... just wondering... did anyone find that after a little while in Plan B that they got nervous at the possibility of contact? I find even the idea of bumping into WH in town, or speaking on the phone, is enough to get my nerves going.

I'm HOPING that this is just initial jitters since this is all very very new...

Shoot. I was nervous at the possibility of contact with my WW while I was in plan A! It's a logical emotion in my opinion, a conditioned response. If you get emotionally disturbed (abused) everytime you are in contact with someone, you'll get nervous at just the thought of being near them.

Are you on any Anti-depressant medication? If you have been having lots of anxiety or depression, then those could definately help.

Thanks, Sundog, it REALLY helps to know that I'm not alone in this. I hadn't even considered that it would be a conditioned response, although of course I can see that it is.

I haven't been in meds all this time. The anxiety was severe for quite a few months at the beginning, and the depression lifted by itself a couple of months ago. The anxiety has been MUCH worse than this, so I don't know that I'll use them at this stage, but I'll keep them in mind. Thanks.

Hi RT!

Glad to see you are back & had a nice trip - I got very nervous and anxious when I knew I might bump into WH after being in Plan B. About a month after, I had to meet him at the bank to do some financial stuff. Luckily, the Customer Service Manger assisted me in arranging things before hand so I would not have to speak/see WH.

I was a bundle of nerves.

Way to go with the Plan B.

It's get better!!

Kim