Hi RT,
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Even now, when I see that he's initiated contact with me through e-mail, I get a knot in my chest, pounding heart, and opening the e-mail takes real courage.
I guess I have been well and truly traumatized. I never thought I would EVER be in this position.
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I know what you mean, RT.
We communicate by phone 'messages'.....and I still have to sit 'down' just in case...when I listen to his messages....waiting for 'bad news' I guess..... (good thing at the most it's 1-2 a week for the essentials!)
...knowing that WS is in denial about a lot of the consequences of his choices, that he is looking to put the 'blame'on others for why things are not the way he wants them to be.....makes me a little anxious.....
...also because once in a while WS "tests the waters" and tries to get me to break PLAN B, telling me that us not 'communicating directly' is not good for the boys, to get help to 'get over' it and/or accept the situation so that we can move on the some 'friendly' coparenting.....
...I take it as an opportunity to remind him and more importantly MYSELF of the minimum conditions to be met to my even 'considering' meeting with him..... him SHOWING that his family is once again a priority in his life.....that he cares and values us: me and the boys... (and were he to need suggestions.....ending A would be a good one for starters!)
You are right.....'traumatized'....I guess would be the word.....to try not to lose sight of the fact that major psychological and emotional damage has occurred.....
....I certainly know that right now I am very vulnerable.... I miss my S very very much..... and so to not 'fall' for WS's attempts at direct contact, to not sweep the whole thing under the rug like as nothing had happened and each go on our merry way..... makes me very proud of myself..
...to stick to my conditions....is not easy for me....it takes a lot of courage and strength..... but I guess I care enough about myself to know that a WS in my life at this point would be very destructive due mostly to the 'selfish' aspect of a WS, and the only way to protect myself from WS....is by keeping my 'distance'......and not put myself in a position of being easily 'manipulated' by WS
...I keep surprising myself at how well I can actually manage things on my own....and doing much better at 'tuning out' WS.....
....but let's not kid ourselves....there are those 'moments' (which for me seem to happen whenever I try to think too far ahead...or contrast how my life was and the present.....so I am learning to stop doing that!)..... but if before the pain was unbearable.... I know NOW that it will pass and that I will be OK...
..and try mostly to focus on today...enjoy what life brings to me TODAY.....as Dr. Phil would say....'manage' life the best way I can....
Tell me, RT..... how are you managing at 'reducing' the amount of time you focus on WS, or at least ..... managing to get him at the 'back' of your mind rather than at the front?
PLAN B may be a tough 'gig'..... but the thought of having to directly deal with a WS's "frame of mind" makes it feel like 'heaven'......
RT... be good to yourself!
