You said:



and I wanted to comment here (so it would not get 'lost' on Mimi's thread) ~~~~

The sort of self-soothing I was talking about is not something you do alone ..... it is something you do [color:"red"] in the heat of battle [/color] .... KWIM ?

Heck, anyone can eventually learn to self-soothe in a candel-lit bathtub listening to Mozart!

But hardly ever do I encounter a bathtub/candles/Mozart when I find myself an anxious discussion with my husband!!! (would that it be true, but it's not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> )

The sort of self-soothing I am speaking about is not to relax, it is to alert myself to some *undesirable* part of myself that is taking over.

So first step is recognition. "I need to self soothe"

Second step is to compliment myself on the recognition !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> "Wow, good job Pep, you caught this before it took complete control" .... see, I am already soothing by acknowledging and recognizing.

For you, you may want to give yourself a code (Run and Hide) might be yours .... if you feel like running and hiding, time to compliment yourself on the recognition.

Then what. Don't run and hide, but stand still. Breathe. Feel and experience the desire to run and hide and NOT doing that. Wave to it. Stick your tongue out at it. Look at your desire to run and hide and flip it 'the bird'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Stand up to your *Run and Hide* code and say "F-Y"

It may seem silly, but it works.

What good is self-soothing if you can't use it when you are in the heat of battle?

I tend not to *Run and Hide* ..... nooooooo .... my code word is *bite* .... and you know that is true ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I can bite HARD (verbally) ... and when this *bite* code happends when I am in the heat of battle with someone I love, my *biting* causes harm to the relationship .... so I need to find a way to self-soothe right then and there. I mentally put myself in a tube. You know, like the transporters in old TV shows and movies .... where the body is then transported to a different location? Well, I am a very visual thinker, and I think myself inside a transporter, only mine is soundproof, and my words that *bite* cannot be heard .... so I just stand there in my non-biting solitude, until the urge to *bite* passes.

I KNOW this sounds silly .... but it works for me.

So, all the self-loving things on your list are wonderful, and lady, give these gifts to yourself out of love. But I suggest none of those things will be a damn bit useful in the heat of battle .... so find something else in your imagination, something to go to when you hear your code words [color:"red"] Run and Hide[/color]

Just as long as you don't mess it up.

I'd probably say "F-Y" to the W and then *run and hide* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm ALWAYS getting directions wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Bwhaaaaaaaaaaa

Hi Pepperband, and thank you for thinking of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Interesting about "in the heat of battle"... because... I don't *do* battle. LOL

You know, I used to be a real B****. No, seriously. Seriously. A real controlling snotty B. Then something changed... and really, it wasn't that long ago. So, something snapped inside of me and I became a real controlling UNsnotty UnB. (Yes, I became a passive-agressive conflict avoider.)

There is anger brewing beneath this uncalm, uncool exterior, and I could SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lash out sometimes. But I really do stop myself from going there and make an effort to use compassion as my yardstick. (If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all)

Now, the question then becomes... is compassion about being nice? And let me tell you that it has been mentioned to me a few times that my "niceness" feel false. Now, I do take offense to that because my motives are pure, but I do also understand.

Okay, so self-soothing as you describe it (along with my baths with candles <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) makes a lot of sense. I take the life-lessons when they come, and this thread (I suspect) will be one of them. I really hadn't thought of self-soothing in the terms you describe (obviously... duh...). I like what you've said and I'd like to see if I can incorporate it into my thinking when the going gets tough (i.e. I feel a fight brewing).

I do want to mention one thing for you to consider, also. I had this lovely cat about 15 years ago (dear Friskie, bless her heart). That cat, I swear, used up all her nine lives in accidents and weird things. She was an indoor/outdoor cat (I would never let my cats out now - too dangerous - but then, I did). Anyway, she got shot with a beebee (sp) gun unbeknownst to us, and we couldn't find her for days. When we did, she was really bad off, but we saved her with some medical attention and love. But the thing is, animals, when they are hurt, naturally go somewhere alone and try to heal themselves. Sometimes they sleep for hours and hours... it is the natural reaction to pain. Move away from it.

Just something to consider.

Thank you again for this, and feel free (I know you will!) to add anything you think of... I will, too.

I got to practice my "transporter isolation" skills with our son ... and I got a LOT of practice while we were getting things arranged for him to go into residental treatment ... and now, that he is well and functional ... I look back on those terrible times as nothing more than a living classroom where I had to find a way to conduct myself when all my hot buttons were being pushed over and over and over .... it was horrific .... and now my mind holds these memories in a much softer place.

You know, Pep, I've done all that reading of 'Passionate Marriage', and now I'm wondering if what he means by 'self-soothing' is the same as I mean?

I'd always thought of it as being 'getting myself back into a place of positivity and balance after I've been knocked about by events'. I understood Schnarch to be saying that the self-soother is able to rebalance without leaning heavily on the spouse to stay upright.

Your take on 'self-soothe' is one I hadn't thought about before - but I see how important it is. You're saying that 'self-soothing' is about noticing that you're falling into a pattern of behaviour that is toxic to the relationship and yourself, and finding a way to stop yourself from doing it.

I so rarely lose control of my behaviour (compensating for spouse/mother/father/sundry others), that I hadn't considered any need to 'identify an unacceptable part of me taking over'. But 'Run and Hide' DOES apply to me. When others bluster and threaten and act unreasonably, I effectively do run and hide. Gosh. What a thought. How many trigger-points do I need to learn to recognise? Like the moment when I'm turning into a scared little girl, just wanting Mummy to stop shouting.

This is something I really need to think about.

Thanks.

TA

Yes, I can imagine...

My son has disabilities and had horrible problems socially and in school. The one thing I would not tolerate is *using* his disabilities as an excuse for disrespectful behavior toward us (his family) or his teachers. While I didn't agree with the District on many of their choices for my son's education, I was respectful (when I fought them on behalf of my son and others with disabilities).

(As an aside: I suggested to lordslady over on the Dating/Relationship forum to look up your threads about tough love with your son. She's having a real struggle with her daughter. She has a very long thread over there, if you care to take a look. In fact, it was her thread that prompted me to reregister yesterday.)

Now, as far as your transporter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />: I am very visual too, so I can see this as an option, though I would probably choose a field of flowers (haha <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> How me)... but yes, moving away from the catalyst of an argument by going to my field might be very helpful, indeed. Truly, it is not something I'd ever considered.

So how long do you stay in your transporter? Minutes, days? What prompts you to go back out there and take care of business?

Pep,

What a wonderful piece of advice. I am, most times, a lurker here; however, today I felt compelled to thank you so for this wonderful tidbit of advice. There have been sooooooo many times in the past that I have (during an "exchange of ideas", if you will) felt like running and hiding out of frustration. Or, as TA has said, dealing with the "moment I'd like to hide until Mummy stops shouting". Sometimes, in discussion with my H, I am so frustrated and I'd love to lash out out of shear frustration. (I don't!!) And, further, I recognize the specific feeling and image that comes into my head when that is happening. I will now self soothe. I will stop and go to a quiet place and calm myself until it passes; which, in the past has been so difficult for me.

Your post was extremely enlightening to me and for that, I thank you.

good post pep, i'll have to mull this over some. what you describe here is different than the self-soothe i think about when i am internally off balance.

internally off balance not because of some heat of the moment event that is currently happening but more because of internal negative thinking that has sent me downhill.

i think the two are very different scenerios but i can now see how both can be in the area of self-soothing.

interesting reading. (not that i am reading right now cuz as FF knows, i'm focusing totally on work this morning!!!)

I have this issue, too. Are you fear-based? I am. Are you highly sensitive to stimuli, including people's emotional states, even if they say nothing to indicate what they are feeling? I am. Do you avoid risk at all cost and then throw caution to the wind and just do it, with devastating results? I do.

Ahem.

Well.

Interesting reading, indeed.

LOL, i'm not sure if you meant to make me laugh, but your post did, laughing at myself actually. and the answer to every question is yes.

I was laughing too, FL, so no worries.

In part, being sensitive is a very nice thing, because it helps us to be compassionate to others, I think. But it's a double-edged sword because *we* get hurt/ riled/ angered/ embarrassed/ so easily, and begin to take OTHERS words as the gospel truth about OURSELVES. **We** should know who we are and love ourselves, NOT because someone else says so, but because WE say so. (That was a mouthful!)

Of course you do battle ... I am not necessarily talking about an arguement or a fight ... the heat of the battle can also be a wrestling match with your anxieties.

Length of time depends on circumstances. I take care of business from there, it's not a time out ... it's more akin to a 2-way protective shield .... if nasty things are thrown at me, I have protection so they don't pierce my heart (and I don't fling nasty right back) .... It's a mental trick, to remind me that I can be self-controlled not other-controlled, when I need to be.

I have 4 kitties. My Simba had dental surgery yesterday. He's sorta pissed at me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> (into the transporter for me .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

I was joking when I said I didn't do battle. I know I do.

It's like I told you before (when you wrote something that was meant to be a joke but I took seriously). Remember how you said you'd put a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and I said I didn't understand that meant you were kidding. Well, I put a LOL after my remark about battle, so I thought you'd understand.

Ahem, anyway... I'm learning all sorts of things today. Now I see how misunderstanding with the best intentions can happen. My oh my. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Okay, I didn't understand it wasn't a time-out, hense the flowery field. That's a time out place, to be sure. But maybe I can do some work there, also. I'll have to think about that. I do understand what you're saying now, thanks for clarifying. I liked it when I didn't understand it, now I like it more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope Simba feels better soon. Sounds like HE should be the one in the transformer, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BWhaaaaaaaaaaaa

I messed up !

THANK YOU for the joke <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe .... but right now he's holed up in the linen closet .... he's the cutest boy ... an Abyssinian with huge ears ....

NBII are you around?

I'd like a word.....

Pep

Pepperband,

I'm limiting my time on the net these days...

But I'm here right now...

What's going on?

would you please email me at your convenience?

it's not urgent
and it does not bite

LOL

thanks

Pep