Man, do I know THAT feeling!

Maybe if you AND your husband sit down with the manager - have your husband explain that he's done something that has put your marriage in jeopardy and because of that needs a hardship case transfer ASAP?

MB'ers - thoughts on this?

Fluke, I think that if she tells him beforehand that it will create an obstacle. HE will not likely agree to it and she will end up with an angry H and no agreement whatsoever to reveal the affair to his employer. On the other hand, if she just reveals it herself, she ensures it gets done and ensures the boss gets the correct story. Then afterwards the WS will be angry, but it will be worth it because the marriage can benefit frm the exposure.

I have told him before that I would contact his job and he freaked out. And he said "I don't want to get anyone fired." uhm...HELLO!! This should be a wakeup call to me! I am going to tell him that he has to transfer and I want to move and be closer to "home" (closer to our friends and my family). And that's it. I know what you think Melody, I should go do it myself...but I will bring it up tonight and if he agrees to go together and say what Fluke said, then we'll do it. I have no other choice in this matter. He MUST leave his job. I've just had enough and I'm tired of feeling like I’m competing with the OW....who is SOO much older than me. It's just ridiculous....

Okay…now I have another question…I have read several strings about exposing the A to pretty much everyone. D-Day for me was 9/17. His mom and step dad know, my family knows, a few of our friends and one of his sisters. Do I need to expose this to his other 2 sisters or does that do more damage? My other friends back home have NO idea any of this is going on….does it just do damage to expose the A to everyone….

MelodyLane, are you here? I know you have given me some good advice. i can't talk much right now...at work. But i need to know why it is important after my WH leaves (Plan B) to tell his mom and step dad. I have read that in addition to the letter to my WH i should also let the inlaws know he is not at the house. what is the reasoning behind this?

KDee, you don't wait AFTER he leaves, the affair should be exposed to his family as soon as you find out about the affair. You should never keep his secret for him. Its also helpful to expose to the OP's parents. Affairs thrive on secrecy and you shouldn't facilitate them. Exposure is ruinous to affairs.

Well his family already knew the affair happend. they just haven't know that my H was still in contact with the OW. I'll have to explain in detail later....but as of last night he's gone...lots of things to discuss with you guys...but no that he's gone, i'm wondering if i need to contact his mom and his sis (because they knew of it before).

Yes, I would let them know. Will watch for your update. Hope you are ok.

Thank you so much for your advice. i have finally started taking it! i have already talk too 3 of my close friends and they know the situation. I will be contacting his mother this morning and updating you guys later. It will be hard to do it at work, so it may be tonight before i get back. Thanks again and i'll talk to you guys soon.

and i AM doing okay...and WILL be okay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I am back. I can now talk. As of last night Plan B was put into action. I used one of the Plan B letters I saw on here. I tried to search for it and see who wrote it to say I used it and how great I thought it was. Here it is. I saw everyone's responses to it and it seemed like everyone agreed it was okay. This is what I used:



My Dear ****,

This is one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written. It is with heavy heart that I sit here and put my thoughts and feelings to paper. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and to us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation.

I know I have made mistakes in the past and I am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that has made it possible for your affair. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in being in control. I helped create a void in our marriage that helped lead us astray. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us.

The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only relief is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to commit to spend my life with you and thoughts of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.

As you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, and cherished. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with another person. And by involved I mean any form of contact. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage, together, when you completely end your relationship with her.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I continue to stay at our home. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. You must know the deep pain and humiliation I have endured because of your relationship with her. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and her may be talking, text messaging or seeing each other. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid poisoning all that we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery.

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are:

•Willing to permanently separate/have absolutely no contact with her

• Willing to remove yourself from your work situation. Whether that be transfer to ******or move out of state and

•Willing to construct a plan to ensure a complete separation from her.

I have loved you in many different ways; as a girlfriend, as a wife, as a confidant and as a friend. I still love you today; I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with someone else.

I would also like any regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. If you have any emergency matters, you may call or email me.

In my mind I will keep the vision of a happy and loving marriage where our needs are being met and of a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! I still love you today; and I will still love you tomorrow, but I just can not be with you or help you as long as this is still going on.

Your loving wife, friend and companion,

KDee


SO that is my letter. It’s pretty much like the letter this other person on here used. IF you read this THANKS! Anyway, I handed it too him last night and he read it. He was sad and then it turned into "Can you handle this." "You're going to try to follow me." etc...My H said "this is Bull****" and I said” what you have done to me is Bull****, and I’m tired of it and I can't help you anymore. He washed his clothes and packed up. He said he was staying in a hotel close to work. I told him I didn't need to know where he stayed etc....He gave me a kiss this morning before he left for work and told me he loved me. And that was it. I told him until he could meet my 3 criteria above, not to bother to contact me. I feel okay today. I have an awesome support system of friends who have already made plans for this weekend. I'm going to start looking after me now.

I told him NO contact; I didn't care to check the credit card bill or cell phone bill etc... But I’m so tempted to look. Any advice?


BW 26 me
WH 29
Married 06-20-2003
Moved to this state 08-01-2004
Friendship between my WH and the OW began in 11-2004 then the A began i believe around 03-2005
DD 09-17-2005
Plan A - didn't work...still contacting the OW
Asked him to leave (Plan B) 01/11/2006

bump^ for KDee

Love in Christ,
Miss M

bump^ for KDee

You have done the right thing. Hope others can help you. You are WORTHY.

Come on you all, help this gal!!!!


Love in Christ,
Miss M