Hi Bronwyn,

Please, Please, Please, just keep posting and venting, posting and venting, posting and venting. Anything you can do to ease the unbearable pain. How many of us have not been where you are?????? I would say the greatest majority. If I would not have had MB, I don't know what I would have done. Go to the Dr., explain the situation. If you need to cry thru it then cry thru it!! Usually this is a pain beyond all pain that anyone could ever feel. No human should ever have to endure this, I know. We all know, we have all been there. Alot of us have had these thoughts. This total dispair. BUT IT DOES GET BETTER. AND YES IT IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. I have been and am praying for you. I KNOW that God will help you.

Hugs and more Hugs and
Blessings and more Blessings,
Tarehurts

You guys are going to think I'm nuts, but I've decided to go this med-free for the time being. The reason is simple -- there is a very slight chance that I might be pregnant. We had been trying to have a baby (can you imagine?!) for the past year and a half since our daughter was stillborn and I was actually taking fertility meds to try to expedite the process. I'm not dwelling on this possible scenario at all -- I can't imagine what I would do -- but I just don't want to take any meds that would interfere with a pregnancy, even if I didn't go through with it. I hope that makes sense.

Otherwise, I was able to eat a piece of buttered toast this morning, so it seems my body is finally getting ready to accept food again. I stepped on the scale this morning and found that I have now lost a total of 7 pounds. 2006 was supposed to have been the year that I finally shed those pesky 10-15 lbs. that have creeped on over time, but I didn't imagine losing them all at once! I do fully understand that once I start eating regularly that the weight will come back (my metabolism must be absolutely f*cked at the moment), but for the time being I'm getting a bit of boost by seeing the lower numbers on the scale. I've got to take my little pleasures where I can get them these days.

The veil of the unbearable pain of Monday and Tuesday is slowing starting to lift, but it is still so very difficult. My emotions seem to come in 2 sequential waves. The first is just a feeling of not wanting this to be happening, of doing anything to make things go back to "normal" (not that there ever was a normal). The second is all the anger, rage, hurt, despair and sadness. I don't know what to do with these waves, so right now I'm just letting them wash over me. The only thing that is starting to give me hope is that there are now gaps between the waves, and they get longer every day.

Shattered -- it's funny that you mentioned getting a dog, because we did actually get a puppy just days before DDay #1 two months ago. I wanted to take him back almost immediately because I couldn't deal with all of the training and care that he required on top of all of the emotional crap that was going on. My husband convinced me to keep him, so he's still around. But quite frankly, I don't think we're going to keep him. He's a very high maintenance dog (Boxer/Terrier mix, heavy on the terrier) and I need to focus on making myself better right now and not worrying about whether the dog needs another walk. I do have a cat who I can turn to for some unconditional love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, thank you all so much for your support. It is very useful to come in here and vent, as I'm sure I'll be doing often. Just knowing that others have gone through similar experiences and survived and been stronger for it is very inspiring.

Bronwyn
Me - 36
WH - 40
Married 2 yrs., together 7
2 concurrent PA's, one the entire length of our relationship

If you are going to do this with no meds, I suggest lots of exercise. Keep that dog, and start walking it.

If you think you may be pregnant, time to take pre-natal vitamins and start eating. Force yourself. Also, don't get your hopes up on having another baby, just in case you are not.

I had a miscarriage with my first child at 5 months, and I know how you feel. I wanted so much to have a baby - was obsessed about it.

Hi Bronwyn,

So glad you are feeling slightly better. When we said feeling better takes time, we meant months, not days. Prepare yourself for the next downward roll and have a plan in place. If you are not going to take meds please set yourself up with a counselor to call in emergencies in case you have suicidal thoughts again.

You have an extra responsibility to take care of yourself if there is the possibility that you are pregnant. Take Believer's advice and get the vitamins and force yourself to eat.

Brownwyn, Do you have any hobbies? Any close girlfriends?
Take care.
S.

Bronwyn,

I missed your post yesterday and was relieved to see that you are doing at least a little better. Please, please, please do not consider suicide an option. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

In Dec 03, 18 days after d-day, having told no one about my FWH's a, I took about 70 extra strength Tylanol PMs. I had not found this website and was so ashamed that I was a victim of infidelity....I didn't yet understand that it wasn't somehow my shortcoming.

I only have a distant memory of the experience. It comes in brief snippits that still have a nightmarish quality to them. I remember being taken away from my home in the ambulance. I remember hearing the sirens of the police car that was with the ambulance. I remember sitting on the floor vomiting black liquid (I later learned that was charcoal, which they give you to bind the drugs so that it doesn't destroy your liver). I remember the horrible pain of having tubes forced thru my nose all the way to my stomach when I couldn't keep down the charcoal.

I remember being told after more than 12 hours in ER, that the tylanol level in my blood stream was so high that I had a better than 50/50 chance of my liver being so damaged that I would be dead within 3 days.

I remember, the most horrible fear I have ever experienced when I thought of my daughters, my mother, my brother and all of my close friends and how terrible it was going to be for them. OK, so now I am crying at the memory of this.

I spent 6 days (including my birthday and Christmas) in ICU being administered the antidote several times each day, all the while with a paid babysitter watching over me 24 hours a day.

In case you are wondering, my FWH was by my side every minute that the hospital allowed him to be, and obviously, I survived. The memory of the horror of this experience is in some ways is far worse than that of my FWH's infidelity.

Pay close attention to those folks here who have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some of their marriages didn't survive, but they did. You can feel them recovering, hear it in their posts, and you know that they are going to be just fine. This can and will be you too.

Keep hanging in there, we are all here for you.

Who

{{{{{{{{{{{{WhoMe}}}}}}}}}}}}}

WhoMe -- Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate how difficult it must be to relive that dark period in your life. You must have been so scared! Everything still feels pretty bleak right now for me, so hearing that you were able to move on and feel better down the road is very encouraging.

Anyway, I am fairly confident that I will not actually commit any self-harm, but the despair is still pretty heavy. WH and I have come to an arrangement where he is going to keep living here while we prepare the house for sale. Even though it will be a platonic relationship, the rule is no overnight disappearances and NC with either of the OW. Given that they both would gladly see him dead right now, I'm not too worried about that part. It's just for my own peace of mind. In the meantime, we are going to do some self-counseling and use an hour or so each evening to talk and try to get some clarity about why everything happened and what it means for both of us in the future. There is no real hope of reconciliation, this is just a post-mortem. Even though I'm disgusted with what he did and how he treated me, it's an odd comfort to have him around the house. It may not stay comfortable, so this arrangement is subject to change at my say-so.

Someone had asked about hobbies/friends/etc. I do have a strong network of family and friends to rely on, which is a plus. My brother and SIL are coming to visit this weekend (WH is going to stay with a friend for the duration) and I think it will be good to have their support. Starting next week I will have a new work project, but it's a remote contract, so I'll be working from home. It's still pretty hard to be in the house, with all of the memories haunting me. I'm doing my best to get out of the house often (just walking the dog a couple times a day helps), but my bravery doesn't usually last very long. I get tears in my eyes almost everywhere I go and I'm afraid people must think that I'm a total nut-case.

I guess what I'm most angry about right now is having to change my life so dramatically when I don't want to. A few months ago all I could think about was having a baby, fixing up the house, getting my business going -- building a life with my H. Now, I've got to think about where I'm going to live and how I'm going to start over without my H at my side. I don't want this... but I know that there's no other way. The man that I fell in love with and wanted to spend my life with is gone and he'll never be back. And that just makes me really, really sad.

I wanted to share a few of the things that are helpful to me when I am going through tough times.

A brief background - 5 years ago my mom passed away (on January 7 in fact) after a long horrible illness. Two years later my H left me for OW, and the follwing year my only sister died in her sleep. Went to bed one night and never woke up.
So the following suggestions are things that I figured out during each one of those traumas, and in fact I am using these same techniques now that my 15 year old son has "run away" to live with his Dad.

In a nut shell, I decide to try to do "all the right things." Of course, I am not able to always do all the right things, but at least that is my goal.
So, I start be eating better. More fruits and veggies, less sweets. I drink more water. I don;t like to drink water, but I know it is good for me, so by drinking it more I am doing the right thing. I try to exercise more (at least some) I do things like park in the furthest parking spot when I go to the store, so I have to walk more. I take the stairs, stuff like that. When I sit down to eat I use my best dishes, I drink from my best cups and glasses. I buy sparkling cider and drink it from a champagne flute. I only drink really good coffee. I paint my toe nails. I wear my best clothes. I do not put on baggy sweat pants. I find that when I dress in attractive clothing I feel better.
I read my bible more, pray more. I play music in the car that gets me singing.

Each one of these things, alone, is a small thing. When you add it all up together, it makes a big difference. By taking care of my physical health, and my spiritual health, my emotional health improves.

it also gives me something else to focus on. instead of focusing on the negatives in my life, I find myself thinking about what other small positive changes I can make to improve my over all health.

Getting more sleep will be huge for you. you might try drinking peppermint Tea at night before bed. I use it to help settle my stomach, and to help me sleep. I used it while I was pregnant to help with my nausea, and I use it now anytime I have trouble sleeping.

I hope this helps.

Each morning, make a decision that today you will strive to do "all the right stuff" for you.