<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is GREAT! I'm so glad you didn't settle!!

Shattered -

I am doing the MB dance right now! Go girl, Go girl......

Stick to your guns!! And one step at a time!!

Kim

Thanks SendMe! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />I'm still reading your story . . . . .

Confused, Believer and Kim, Thanks so much for the support. I really need it. The closer we get to getting back under one roof the better my memory becomes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Hi Shattered05,
If I was him, I’d be wondering what is going on with you. He probably thought you would welcome him like the Prodigal Son of the bible. The conditions you place on him must feel like you are manipulating to him. It feels like he is giving you some of what he thinks is the same medicine. If I was him I would be disappointed by the conditions put to him. Now how do you both get over this hurdle?

You could try some more plan A and explaining what you can and PMA.

Take care,
DLK21

DLK,

I can see what you mean. I am going by Steve Harley's advice so I don't know what to do. I am in unchartered waters for me and the going is very rough.

These are some of the issues:
He wanted to move his stuff from storage to save himself $$. However, he was still living with OW and gave me a vague date of exiting that relationship. We all felt he needed to remove himself from THAT relationship before he could move home. I don't feel that is asking too much.

Our attempt at reconciling is not going very well from my POV. WH moved out and is staying at friend's house. He doesn't have much time for me. We have not had any time together to be alone. The other day he told me Thurs. he couldn't take DS to BB because he was going out w/ friends. Maybe he could sleep over Friday? And Sat. he had a hotel room for the evening for that charity event on Sunday. He wouldn't see us for Sat. or Sun. Well I met this with dead silence. How am I supposed to take that? A friend told me he has a male roommate for the hotel. He does not want me and DS to come to event because he will be too busy to spend any time with us. Then he wouldn't return my phone calls and went MIA on Friday. I wonder if he contacted OW. When he finally called I had a breakdown crying. I know I'm not handling this right but I am soooo vulnerable right now. I can't completely open up to him because I don't have the sense of safety that he's 100% committed to us. He wrote me a fine letter but why isn't he making plans to be alone with me? Once again friends and other commitments come first and if I say anything about it, he withdraws.

Last night he did come but he spends his time with our DS and then falls asleep. HE slept over but by his choice slept in our son's bed. He told me before he left that he won't see us for two weeks because he has training for work and it is very stressful. I asked him if he needed a place to stay and he said no. He told me he can't talk to Steve for two weeks. I am not getting a good feeling about all this.

DLK says that he would feel manipulated. I am standing here asking for nothing really except counseling. He doesn't feel "he" needs it. He lied, cheated, screwed around, divorced me, and now wants to come back and pick up where we left off. I can't do that. I want to get back together but I need to know he is sincere and committed. This man doesn't seem to want to be alone with me.

I think you should probably go into Plan B but I would like to hear what Harley says about it. What happened with the OW? What was her reaction?

I have this feeling that things were getting tense at the OW's so he wanted to come back home and flop there for awhile. You sort of messed up his plans by asking him to move out first. I suspect the affair is not over.

Hi Melody,

Thank you so much for replying because I am really struggling right now. Plan A was much easier. I asked how she took it and he said "not good". The friend he is staying with, I'll call her intermediary, said he told her OW knew something was not right because he had been kind of cold. She asked him if he would try to contact him and he said NOPE. He moved his belongings from her house here. His clothes, motorcycle and kyak are back in our house. I don't think he is staying at the hotel with her, although I could be wrong. I am not concerned about her showing up there but more about him distancing himself from me and not finding time and energy for our relationship.

Melody, You say that you feel the A is not over. It is obviously not going strong either right?

Do you agree or disagree with this (Mel or anyone else) :

The Affair is probably breaking down but not quite over. He may go back to her before he is thoroughly convinced it is over with her.

Isn't this somewhat normal before a good recovery? This hesitancy and going back and forth? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

bump

Need some advice/support

Yes, this is exactly what I suspect. But I also think he is still on the fence gaming the system as long as he can. He still isn't quite ready to come back. This is why I think you should go to Plan B to yank him off and take back control of your life. But I want to see what SH says about it. I fear if he comes back tomorrow, in this state, he will continue to piddle around with the OW, which would just kill you.

Thanks Mel. What Steve told me was if he wants to come back here are my conditions, and if not,it's "plan D". Live my life as a divorced person.

I'm afraid that if I go to a plan B/D now, it will kill off any chance of ever reconciling. That he might be too afraid to try to overcome the hurdles to come back and just try to make the best of his situation with OW.

However, if he moves back in and toys with my emotions without being fully committed, it WILL kill me.

So I don't know whether to attract from a detached distance as before or to cut him out of my life and hope he wakes up.

Hi Shattered, sorry to hear your WH is back on the fence.

My fear is you could be playing that game a long time and that will eventually kill the love you have for your WH.

Honestly, I'm suprised SH suggested you go the Plan B/D route, but he knows what he is talking about so you might want to seriously consider it.

Personally, I think your WH know you will take him back and doesn't feel the need to make the effort with you. If you go dark on him it sould eat him up. I know it's hard to do and you risk loosing him for good.

Why do they have to make it so hard for us?

I think it will kill me first.

It is hard. The only thing I hold onto is that I have the house and I have our son. I think those are a natural pull. There is also the love letter, which BTW, I can't find. I'm wondering if he took it back. If he did that would be awfully low. Anyway, one day I'm back to being the love of his life and he wants to get married again, and the next - he's done a disappearing act.

I guess I LBed with my cold silence. That is why I want counseling. I'm afraid if I say anything that isn't nice and loving he will withdraw and run. So when he says something that sends up a red flag, I become paralyzed and shut down. I guess I will know more in the next two weeks.

Thanks for dropping in Hope. I don't know why this has to be so difficult and why they can't just love us for who we are.

S, I think your greatest risk is staying in touch with him because it allows him to ride the fence and not make any decision at all. If forced to make a choice, he would most likely choose you becasue he is fed up with the OW.

However, if he did choose her, that would be preferable to having him sit on the fence for another 10 years, unless you are into sharing. At least that way, you could move on and make a clean break.

I see no downside in Plan D, but great downside in continuing on in this manner with him getting his needs met by TWO women. He just doesn't want to give that up. And who could blame him? He will keep you both on the line as long as he can!

What ya wanna bet that he moved out of OW's because now that you are divorced, she is pressuring him to marry her?

Hi Shattered -

Just saying hello --- Sorry you are having a rough time. It sounds like your H is back to his old habits(has more time for everyone else except you). I wonder if he did that to OW too & that caused stress/LB for them?

Kim

Shattered05...

Here's my take on your situation. Take it for what it's worth.

Your H is in a transitional period, still in the fog, but seeing the merits of returning to the M. The OW is not looking so good to him now, and some reality has crossed his mind. He is in a state of flux, and doesn't know exactly what to do. So, as people often do, he's compartmentalizing the whole mess, and focusing (either by need or by "perfect timing") on the training required of him at work.

In the mean time, he's moved out from the OW, so all is not paradise there. That's a positive. Melody is probably on the mark, OW is looking for a committment that WH is not convinced is the right thing to do, and is putting a lot of pressure on your WH. That, too, is a positive. (can we say "lovebusters")

Something a BS tends to do when a WS shows signs of returning to the fold, is to let their Taker loose. BS's have gone so long without having any needs met, and at the first inkling of the possibility of a return to the marriage by a WS, the BS want to be held, cuddled, loved and have many deposits in their Love Banks.

This just isn't possible. The WS is not mentally prepared to do this. The state of flux in which they reside does not bode well for a needy BS.

My thoughts are this. Stay in Plan A for about 4 more weeks, and see if your WH begins to emerge from the fog. Put your Taker back on the shelf, under lock and key, and be courteous, kind and loving to your WH, and see if this committment he's made to his job will allow some more reality to sink into his foggy head. If it does, then he will be more receptive to your requirements for returning to the marriage. If he remains fogged out, and shows no signs of taking any ACTIONS to fulfill your requests, then Plan B is certainly in order.

In the mean time, don't pressure him. Don't force him out of his self-inflicted exile. Allow him time to decompress from some probably very tense and emotional exchanges with the OW. As this cooling period progresses, I think you will see him begin to show some signs of interest in the M.

This could be an excellent time to prepare the Emotional Needs Questionairre for both of you to fill out. This would give you both a foundation to hold future conversations about regarding your marriage.

I know this is a tough go. It's a difficult "dance", and both of you are approaching it from completely different standpoints, emotionally speaking. You are hurt, grieving the loss of innocence in your M, and have endured a great deal, while he is going to be in Withdrawal, and wondering to himself if he's giving up something (OW) that might have been "special" in his life. He also has feelings of having betrayed you and probably a great deal of shame. And most WS's are not to eager to face those feelings. It takes a fair amount of time for them to process all of that "emotional cocktail" before they are able to get into the proper state of mind to earnestly re-engage in the Marriage. In the mean time, they will just go through the motions, in order to "please" the BS.

I hope some of this makes sense, and there's something here that will help you along this difficult path.

Remember, this is still a marathon, nothing will develop overnight. Measure success by the month, not by the day or week. Patience!

Best wishes,
SD

^^ bump ^^

Hi shattered 05
Sorry you are having a rough time, but remember things will get better. I'm so glad he has moved out from OW...its a beginning. Suzet posted a link for withdrawl on one of my threads I'll bump it up for you. Hang in there you have come so far. One step at a time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />